Saws and Claws

Finally got a decent night of sleep last night. It helped that right before dark the guy that owns the company that handles my mowing stopped by and we came up with some plans for some of the other things in the yard. It’s one thing when I was younger and just didn’t like doing yard work, but it’s a different thing now that I own a house with a half-acre of stuff growing on it that I just can’t physically tackle myself. My grandparents always made the place look so beautiful too, which makes it feel a bit heavier to me that I can’t keep the place up like they used to.

So it just helped me rest easier last night, knowing that everything will be taken care of… including bigger projects like removing a couple of unused clothesline poles, across-the-board weed whacking of everything once a month, and most importantly – the removal of an entire line of spirea bushes along the back of the property. They’ve grown out of control over the past many years, and having them trimmed up at the end of the season is an expensive all-day project in itself.

I don’t think he even remembered that that project was on my potential to-do list, but it worked out nicely because over the winter his company had purchased a new tractor with attachments for just such things. And since it isn’t something they’ll have to do completely manually now, it helps to make the cost of it more reasonable. Hoping to have it done within the next couple of weeks.

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New Rule

I have to stop letting how I feel when I wake up each day be an indicator of how I’m going to feel for the rest of the day. 🀨 Especially since I usually have the luxury of waiting it out… taking my morning meds, giving it a little time, and eventually feeling at least somewhat better. And yeah, I know that this is such a “Yeah, no shit.” thing for normal people, so of course my brain just instinctively resists the idea. πŸ™„

I’m gonna be so bad at getting older and more broken if I don’t keep trying to recognize my flawed ways of thinking and trying to change them. πŸ‘¨πŸ»β€πŸ¦³ The other thing that I have to work on is learning to accept that some of the physical things just aren’t going to get better. What’s that Garth Brooks song? Much Too Young (To Feel This Damn Old) 😏 Heh… I really hate that my blog is like 90% “bitching about things” these days though… like today, it was only four hours of sleep, waking up because I could feel my pulse in my friggin’ jaw, and then (when I got up to go to the bathroom)Β discovering that my back is trying to re-fuck itself.

I swear, there’s an invisible hat in my house somewhere, filled with bits of paper listing all of my various potential ailments or irritants for the day, and some unseen force just grabs three or four of them at random and there ya go. πŸ€•πŸ€’πŸ˜–πŸ˜·πŸ˜ŸπŸ€’πŸ˜“β™Ώ The unending uncertainty of each day is such shit… so waking up depressed or mad is understandable, but I gotta stop letting it stick… especially if that’s the only thing that seems to be triggering it on that particular day.

But it’s been a few hours now since I woke up, my meds are kicking in, things are sucking a bit less, but I’m still gonna take it easy today. I’ve got another appointment tomorrow, plus I need to build up some positive juju because I wanna get back in to see Dad again next week, Bri is gonna be induced and have her baby next week as well – starting at 6 friggin’ AM, then on Saturday Jim’s going to Buckeye Lake to meet up with his dad, brother, and Adam at Pizza Cottage and I’ve also been invited. I’ve missed the last couple of hang-outs with them, so I really wanna try to make it this time. πŸ˜”πŸ€žπŸ»

And that leads me back to the new rule. Well, let’s call it a guideline, since I know that I’m going to fail at it at least as often as I succeed…. but without being able to “shake off” how I feel when I wake up, none of that fun stuff on my potential to-do list will be possible. History has proven that more times than I’d like to admit. πŸ˜’ Trying to adjust my attitude each day will let me hopefully be less flakey to my friends and family, and being less flakey to my friends and family in itself will help keep my mood going in the right direction. I just have to hope that my meds decide to start pulling their weight again soon too.

Five? Damn. Okay…

My apologies to anyone that’s had to deal with me, tried to deal with me, or wanted to deal with me over the past few days but couldn’t… I was kinda going through a thing. 😟 Pretty sure I’m still going through a thing – but tonight I’m feeling slightly better, or at least good enough to bang out a quick blog entry.

My first appointment this morning… when I made the appointment, I was sure feeling a whole lot better than the past few days – but I had already cancelled it once a few months ago, so I had to just suck it up and get it done. 🀨 Getting me out of the house to blow some stink off and interact with the humans was just a beneficial side effect. But yeah, this morning was reserved for my dentist. 😳 This would be “step three” of a four step plan that we came up with many months ago.

So what type of fun stuff was included in step three? Four injections of novacaine to numb the entire top half of my mouf, two hours in the chair, and five of my teefs drilled and filled. πŸ‘©πŸ»β€βš•οΈπŸ˜¬ Yeah, not the ideal appointment when you’re already anxious about shit. The first four were what people would consider “normal cavities” and were filled with the typical nasty tasting filling material. 🀒 The fifth one though, it was actually on the front of the toof at the gum line. 🦷 But just like the one last year, they were able to match the color and smooth it out in a way where you’d never even know that it was there. 😁

I’ve explained it like this before, but I look at these dentist appointments the same way as I’d look at taking an old car into the shop for maintenance. πŸ€” It’s less about trying to get things looking “beautiful” or “perfect” again, and more about “Hey, let’s just try to keep this thing running as long as possible, okay?” πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈπŸ˜ But the extra care that they show doesn’t go unnoticed. There really is an “art” to much of what they do, and you can tell that they’re justifiably proud of that.

Maybe Nobody Will Notice…

The twitchy snuck up and got me over the past 24 hours. 😟 It’s funny how even being anxious for someone else’s “thing” can cause my brain to act up. My evening meds did zonk me out last night, earlier than anticipated, but I still didn’t sleep through most of the night. I kept waking up every couple of hours, thinking that I slept through my alarms and was gonna be late for Bri’s shower. πŸ˜’Β So, that didn’t help…

But I did get up and make it on time, and I felt about as out of place as I assumed that I would. Dez didn’t make it since she worked the whole night prior, but Bub, Jake, and John were all there… so at least I wasn’t the only d00d there. I dunno… it was fine, Bri was happy, but it was a bunch of people I didn’t know, all the kids running around like tiny crazy people… heh… it just wasn’t for me. In fact, I bailed after an hour. Went outside for a smoke break and my brain was like “Psst… you’re already in your car… you know you could just leave now, right?” 😏 And after messaging Bri to let her know, that’s exactly what I did.

Whatever was wrong with me today, I couldn’t even make myself drive just a couple blocks over to drop off Anna’s birthday card and gift. I just needed to get back home. 😐 Bri understood, and we caught up through messages after everything was done and she seemed happy enough with how things went – and with the goodies that she got. But I know that I’m her person, and sometimes she needs her person… but today wasn’t one of those times, because there was a whole room full of people there just for her. So she didn’t mind that I decided to dip out early. 😌

It’s late in the evening now, but I still haven’t been able to shake this weird mood. I think I’m a bit anxious because I’m behind on some things, and this coming week already has a couple important appointments scheduled, with a couple more calls that I still need to make when I wake up to set up a few more things. I swear though, for someone that’s essentially retired, I sure manage to allow myself to feel a lot of unnecessary pressure sometimes.

Lather, Rinse, Repeat

As usual, while I’ve been getting a little of this and a little of that done, it hasn’t been at the pace that I was hoping. πŸ˜’ Some of that’s my fault, some things just take a while, and then Bri’s baby shower is tomorrow so I’ve been spending a little extra time with her for support and a little bit of planning and such. Shit’s about to get real for her, so I really want this one day to go as nicely as possible for her.

I’m gonna stick at the house today though and try to get some more done around here. Nothing different than what I’ve already been working on, just continuing to make progress. With Bri getting her apartment at the beginning of the month though, I’m able to donate some of the extras around the house – which not only helps her (until she can get stuff that she actually wants) but also makes my brain a little happier, getting rid of pieces of furniture in the basement or extra rooms that I never use. That strange “Ugh… I have too much stuff.” feeling that I sometimes get.

Still wanting to paint and put in new carpet, but also still wanting to maybe move… things just feel stagnant, so either of those options are appealing – and the less stuff here and in the way, the better. The weather is getting nicer, and that’s helping my motivation, so as long as I’m “doing something” it feels like I’m doing something… something leading to feeling different than I’ve been feeling for quite a while. 🀨 It’s weird to really want change but to also have no idea what you want that change to be. Meh…

So yeah, gonna spend most of the day off of the electronicals if possible, then hopefully before bed tonight I’ll get back on to catch up on emails and knock out a couple bills that came in recently. Life’s just got me feeling restless right now, with much of that restlessness stemming from health issues… which also prevents me from doing a lot of the other things that I could do to help reduce my restlessness.Β  Heh…Β  I know, “… said every old person ever.” 😏 I guess step one should be acknowledging my age and embracing the unpleasant facts that come along with it…

Meh… rambling again… okay, time to do something with my day off.

Sooner Than You Think

I actually ended up taking Brianna to her OB appointment today. 😯 Unfortunately it was one of the “not really fun” ones, not one of the ones where they do an ultrasound… but it still ended up being an exciting visit, for lack of a better term. Exciting, because they’ve actually decided that they are going to induce her and they scheduled the day. 😊 Our circles don’t really intersect, so it’s not that any of her friends would learn about it here, but I’m still not going to mention the day… just in case.

Somewhat like me, she’s got her own “other medical stuff” going on… and some of those things can’t be addressed as effectively when there’s a baby in her belly, so between it being “almost time” already, and her doctors wanting to be able to treat her other problems, the decision was made. But it was nice to be able to put my own “stuff” out of my head for a few hours, and just be with her and see her being all excited about her soon-to-be-arriving baby, with both of us noting how much more “real” it makes it feel when you know the moment that it’s going to happen. πŸ™‚

Like I’ve been with most everyone else lately, I haven’t really spent much time with her… so after her appointment we went and got some ice cream and went to the park and did some people watching and talked about all of the changes that are coming up for her very soon. Her baby shower is actually coming up this weekend, so we hit a couple of thrift stores looking for an outfit that she could wear, but nothing really jumped out at her. But it was still a nice way for us to kill some time together.

Rather than getting her something for her shower, I decided to order some of the decorations that will be used. I’ll probably get those over to Chelsea by Thursday so they can figure out exactly what they wanna do with them and what kind of games they wanna come up with. She wants me there too, but what the hell do I know about baby showers? πŸ˜„ Actually, if Dez or Bub goes I’ll be fine… I just need a person to kinda glom onto a bit, since I won’t know most anyone else there, nor they me. 😐 (A couple of years ago I’d probably have seen this as “an opportunity” 😁 lol … these days, not so much)

I dunno… it was just a nice way to spend part of the day. Lots of “happy” and “anticipation” and the like. 😌 Not something that I get to see or experience a lot of these days. I just hope everything goes to plan, that the people who say they are coming will actually show up, and that she gets all the “goody” out of her day that she deserves. πŸ™‚ But I’m back home now, gonna take a short break, then collect all the numbers and questions for the people that I need to call tomorrow morning, and will hopefully get into my email before the night is over so I can get caught up on my messages. Gonna try to ride the wave of this decent day…

I Want Smear

Every now and then I muck around with a new time-lapse app to see if I can get a really “smeary” lighting effect that I want – but for whatever reason I can’t figure the shit out. It makes sense… on a bright day, even at the lowest ISO, you can’t have a long shutter speed because everything will just get blown out. So I try to do it digitally, but you can still see too much clarity in the smears… but still, this is an interesting looking video.

(This should be available at 4k 60fps, but you can at least change to 1080p 60fps up here β†—)

Once it is actually night time you can use much longer shutter speeds and the smear looks like a true smear, so next time there’s a perfectly clear night and decently “full” moon I’m gonna maybe have to try it again – but only after dark. Another option is capturing a sunset (and clouds, and car lights, and plane lights) from Mt Pleasant… but that means, a) climbing the damn mountain, which I haven’t done for a couple of years, and b) hoping that they don’t have those damn LED flood lights lighting up the face of it while I’m trying to do my shit. I’ll have to see if there’s a schedule for when they do or don’t do that.

Oh, and obviously if you lock the shutter and ISO for the brightness of the scene when it starts, you’ll probably get some super dark and super bright parts as clouds pass. The alternative is auto exposure, which causes some off jumping around of the exposure during the video – as well as making the whole thing look considerably less dramatic since the phone is always trying to make the exposure appealing. Meh… this is me, trying to find something fun to do… something to have interest in again. Carry on.