Every Time

I had a couple days of feeling good at the end of last weekend and beginning of this week, and so of course… when things don’t hurt, that’s when you do things that you may have been putting off for a while. But, as usual, I’ve been completely fucked since then… physically and mentally. I think the steroid injection gave me another little boost of false security, since I was actually doing things without hurting, but then I died the next day – just like it always is. That shit will mess with your head eventually.

Living in a big house with a big yard and lots of trees and lots of bushes and lots of stuff inside… literally being able to do only the slightest amount of physical work each day before you know it will really hurt is defeating. The false, or at least temporary feeling of accomplishment, followed by at least a day of pain, followed by several more days of being super depressed about the whole situation.

It was only just today that I was able to force myself to go into town, and that was only because I needed pop and wanted to get something to eat so that I didn’t have to cook and dirty any dishes. It took all of the oomph I had to just go through a drive-thru for pop, and through Rax for sandwiches. I didn’t even have to get out of the car, but that took absolutely all of my will to be able to do even that.

There’s obviously more to my “spell” right now than that, but once something legitimate triggers it – it can take on a life of its own and stay as long as it sees fit, even if I physically feel better. Being broken, friends struggling, family sick… sometimes it’s like the thought of all three of things things align at the same time, and boom… I’m down for the count. And then I screwed up and told Dad I’d try to visit once a week, when I know I’ve got no business promising something I actually can’t guarantee. I can’t guarantee that I’ll even be able to leave the house on any given day, and that’s where I’m at right now.

I feel bad about that, but I can’t feel guilty about something I can’t control. And I know it will pass, because it always does… it’s just a shame that I can’t get off this roller coaster. At some point I’d like to schedule my doc appointment, get my wisdom teeth out (which I was supposed to do a year ago), and then get a couple fillings worked on too. So hard to do when your brain and body are both fighting against you.

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