Setting Myself Up To Fail

Gonna try to get caught up with all my shit a little bit tomorrow. Lots of unplanned or unexpected things have been keeping me on my heels lately, but I took today to basically do nothing, so tomorrow I’ll have the mental energy to get back on track.

Gotta call about the recalls on my car, and that oil change that I keep pushing off… gotta call about the AC at the house, which is no longer an urgent matter since it’s fucking cold outside… heh… and then I have an obscene amount of mail and bills to rip into and take care of. So far the financial assistance program at the hospital is really helping out, but I’m waiting for that one bill where it doesn’t, where I’ll choke on my pop and cry a little bit as I read it.

Maven hasn’t been feeling good, so she’s all stressed out… the meds that I ordered from some online pet store never arrived, so I had to order again from Amazon and now wait another couple of days. I just hate seeing her all twitchy and unhappy, so that’s really stressing me out too.

I dunno… there’s just a lot of things that I really need to get behind me, so I just need to feel like I’m kinda turning it around tomorrow, even if only for a few days.

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I’m Tired, Boss

Nothing much going on around here… at least nothing good…

Went back to the dentist to get the last bit of my root canal done and was fitted with a temporary crown. A temporary crown which feels like it’s squeezing the life out of the little nub of tooth that it was mounted on.ย ๐Ÿ˜’ Jaw aches… head aches… I’m just hoping that the final version ends up fitting more comfortably than this one is. I’ve got to wait aboutย  a week and a half to find out.

Shortly after that it’ll be time for the radioactive iodine treatment. That means in the next couple of days I’ll need to start my low iodine diet. I guess the thyroid tends to attract all the iodine that enters your body, so you basically want to starve it for a couple of weeks so when the radioactive stuff is introduced – if there are any thyroid / cancer cells left, in theory they’ll be destroyed.ย ๐Ÿ˜ I’ve chosen not to google too much about all of this, so I’m not sure exactly how the full scan will go afterwards, or how nervous I should be.

But in preparation for that I went grocery shopping today and picked out some things that are on the “okay” list. I don’t really eat much anyway, and the stuff that I’ll be allowed to eat isn’t that bad… just different from the normal canned or boxed stuff that I usually eat. Fresh meat, salads, fresh vegetables, meh… it’ll be fine. Just more dishes than usual.

My friend that was diagnosed with lung cancer a little less than three years ago… she entered hospice care over the weekend.ย ๐Ÿ˜• She actually had to go into ICU for a bit, but they got her stabilized enough to return back home. It just is what it is. And what it is, is scary… seeing what has happened to someone that was “fine” and just went to the doctor for a cough three years ago, having never smoked, having never had any serious health problems… and yeah… fast forward to today, three years later.ย ๐Ÿ˜ž

Self-Preservation

Sometimes when you hear people talk about emotionally abusive relationships, they might say “Well, she knew what she was getting into when she got with him.” which implies that it’s the victim’s fault.ย ๐Ÿ˜Ÿ But what I see is someone who may have been willing to give someone chance after chance to prove they weren’t that emotionally abusive person, because they care about the person and want to believe that things could change.

Well, sometimes they don’t change.ย ๐Ÿ˜” And eventually, even though it’s difficult, even though you care about that person, if their actions are really messing you up… you do have to take responsibility for how you allow yourself to be treated and get yourself out of that situation. That person might actually even care for you as well, but if it doesn’t prevent them from saying or doing hurtful things, why would a person want to keep subjecting themselves to it?

They may not realize how much what they are doing is affecting you, or they might not even realize that they are doing it at all.ย ๐Ÿ˜ Who knows… they might know exactly what it’s doing but not be able to stop themselves from doing it. No matter the case, you have to do what’s right for you, even if that makes you “the bad guy” in their eyes. And if they don’t think that what they’re doing is that bad, then “the bad guy” is exactly the way you’ll seem to them.ย ๐Ÿ˜’

*sigh* …ย ๐Ÿ˜ž and in almost all of those types of cases, it didn’t have to be that way…

Overheard

I hopped in line for the concert with about a half hour until the doors opened, and once they did I was inside within five or ten minutes.ย Jim and Adam, however, had taken a “park and ride” bus, so they ended up waiting outside for almost an hour before they got in. Having found and claimed my seat so early, I was left with nearly an hourย all by myself – which basically forced me to sit and listen to the random conversations that were going on around me.

The star of that show was this drunk old redneck a half-dozen seats to the left, in the row directly behind mine. Now, everyone was talking, sometimes with the strangers nearby them, but this guy was three or four steps louder than everyone else in the area… and the first thing I heard him say to a group of people seated next to him was, “Do you know if he’s a fag?”ย ๐Ÿ˜ฏ๐Ÿ˜ฌ

“Yeah, I was at this Judas Priest concert, and the lead singer said that Phil Collins was a fag. I mean, I don’t know if I believe it, and, you know, it wouldn’t bother me if he was. I don’t mind being around them, but they don’t need to be kissing all over each other like that. It’s just uncomfortable, ya know?”ย ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜‘ One of the other guys near him said, “Well, you do know that it’s his son that’s playing the drums, right?”ย ๐Ÿ˜

“Well, that’s just what the singer of Judas Priest said, so I dunno. He (Phil) better play during ‘In The Air Tonight’ ya know? It’s kinda important.” The same guy next to him then informed Drunky that Phil had the back and foot injury, which seemed to confuse him – but then he noticed the photo slideshow that was playing on the monitors and said, “Do you know how long he was with Genesis? I gotta say that it was at least five years… but I’d really like to know. I do know that he got his start on Miami Vice though.”

Now, I thought that the idea of Phil Collins being on the TV show Miami Vice was some goofy fever dream of Drunky, but it turns out that he actually was.ย ๐Ÿ˜ฏ However… and this is a big however… he most definitely didn’t get his start on, or because of, Miami Vice.ย ๐Ÿ™„ Right around that point was when Lurch came and claimed his seat next to mine.ย ๐Ÿ˜  Drunky looked over at me, as if he was wondering why I didn’t scoot to one of the empty seats next to me (Jim and Adam’s seats) because Lurch was really crowding me.ย ๐Ÿ˜ฃ The seats were definitely not designed with larger humans in mind.

The main guy that Drunky was talking to then asked Drunky if he had seen the Journey or Def Leppard tours last year, because he had gone to both of them apparently. He went on to say how bad Journey was, but that Def Leppard really “brought it” with their performance.ย ๐Ÿคทโ€โ™‚๏ธ Drunky inquired if the show had all four of the original guys from Def Leppard, saying that he was pretty sure that the original drummer had died.ย ๐Ÿคจ Guy responded that yes, it was all four original members, and Drunky asserted that he was pretty sure the original drummer died in a tour bus wreck. Of course Rick Allen was in a bad wreck, but rather than dying he “only” lost an arm… forcing him to learn how to play again – but with one less appendage.ย ๐Ÿ™

As they were continuing to talk about Def Leppard, a Russian family of five sat in the seats directly behind me, directly next to Drunky.ย ๐Ÿ˜Ÿ As the family laughed and smiled and talked with each other, all in their native Russian language, Drunky got quiet and kept giving them the side-eye.ย ๐Ÿคจ Guy kept trying to continue the conversation about different concerts, but Drunky remained quiet and focused on Russian family any time that they were all speaking and laughing together.

It was around then that I started playing on my phone and actually minding my own business, because Drunky was making me nervous with the way he was acting.ย ๐Ÿ˜ฌ

Phil Collins: Not Dead Yet

Last night was concert night in Columbus, seeing Phil Collins with my friends Jim and Adam at Nationwide Arena.ย ๐Ÿ˜Š I was already nervous the day before, thinking of the handful of things that could make my day difficult, and despite doing my best to screw it up from the start – waking up at 4am and not being able to fall back to sleep – everything ended up alright and the show was great.

For anyone that’s a fan, it’s common knowledge that Phil is pretty gimped up from a failed back surgery and a “fucked foot” as he put it, so I really wasn’t sure what to expect.ย ๐Ÿ˜ณ But despite remaining seated for almost all of the performance, he seemed to get along reasonably well with a cane, so it didn’t feel as… um… I guess I was just worried that it would feel a little “Wheel the old man out and make him sing.” but that wasn’t the case at all.ย ๐ŸŽค๐Ÿ‘ดย It was a relatively long show too, playing his stuff and some Genesis songs, and he seemed to be enjoying it all. (And another “bucket list” concert checked off for me.)

Since he’s unable to play the drums, his son Nic filled in for him.ย ๐Ÿฅ๐Ÿ˜Ž The kid is pretty amazing… he’s 17 now, he was 16 when the tour started in the UK, which means he was probably learning and perfecting all of his dad’s songs by the time he was 14 years old… knowing that he’d eventually be going on a huge tour like this.ย ๐Ÿ˜ฏย (Oh, and he plays piano too ๐Ÿ™„) It was all the way back in May of 1992 that I saw Genesisย in The Shoe at OSUย (26 years ago… holy shitballs)ย but I never thought that I’d get to see him perform his own songs solo, since he swore quite a while ago that he’d never tour again.

Jim’s an awesome friend, surprising me and Adam both by getting us all tickets.ย ๐Ÿ˜ƒย (Five years ago this month we were in Kansas thanks to him as well) And like I told him, I have enough “concerns” about myself that I wouldn’t have even thought about buying a ticket for myself if he hadn’t. The neck and shoulder pain, the thyroid stuff, the random back stuff, the anxiety that comes in times and ways of its own choosing… I don’t think I would have trusted myself to be able to go – but when a friend makes not going not an option, you just put your head down and keep moving forward.

Oh, there were moments that I still wasn’t sure… even up until the point that I was standing in line, waiting to get in…ย ๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜ฌ๐Ÿ‘ซ๐Ÿ‘ฌ๐Ÿ‘ซ๐Ÿ‘ญ๐Ÿ‘ซ๐Ÿ‘ซ๐Ÿ‘ฌ๐Ÿ‘ซ๐Ÿ‘ญย … but I’m absolutely glad that I went.

I’ve been a mess since getting home last night around midnight though.ย ๐Ÿ˜• The “post-concert buzz” ended up keeping me awake until about 5am, and man did I hurt.ย ๐Ÿ˜ฃ๐Ÿ˜ข It’s mostly better now, but between the cold, the sitting, the standing, the singing, the recording of video, the crowds, the traffic… as usual, my body and brain eventually weren’t having any of that nonsense, and they let me know as soon as the show ended.ย ๐Ÿ˜Ÿ I think Jim and Adam could see it in me once the lights came up, so we all sat for a bit and let the crowd clear. After we left the arena they walked along at my pace until we parted ways at the parking garage. Luckily Jim gets me though, so he knows that all of that “beat-up old man” stuff doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t do it all over again.ย ๐Ÿ™‚

Mean

Sometimes I wonder if people who are married or in relationships remember what it’s like to try and keep up with life all on their own. I think that people who have been married for decades, and have had the benefit of a “better half” for all those years, probably can’t even relate to what it’s like to not have someone to lean on if they need to.

I think that’s why my patience drops to zero whenever someone in that situation offers their opinion on how my best isn’t good enough. It’s always great when you’re doing everything you can to make it through each day while handling the variety of things that come along with friends, family, medical issues, etc… and someone points out a certain way (or ways) in which you’re sucking at it.

I’d wager that 9 out of 10 of those folks… the ones who either have someone currently or had someone for most of their life… I’d wager that if you go back and take “their person” away and asked them to start over and do everything on their own, they might reconsider sharing their opinions about what other people are doing wrong. Okay, I should shut up now… I’m in a bit of a mood. Obviously.

Why Am I Bothering Again?

I’m thinking about pausing the blog again. I don’t wanna make post after post about negative topics, and I can’t post too much about any positive things that I may be involved in without certain folks getting butthurt, so it’s starting to feel like a no win situation. When part of the purpose of writing was so other people could enjoy seeing me do things that I enjoy, and that doesn’t seem to be what’s happening anymore, that takes away one of the big reasons that I do this. Meh… we’ll see, I guess.

Or I could just stop censoring myself and post whatever the fuck I want… that’s an option too.