Christmas Eve

I don’t think I’ve ever had a Christmas Eve that felt so much unlike one than this one. I didn’t come here to lament that though. Well, sort of, but not really. I came to try to make it feel a little bit different while I’ve got a few hours left. A lot of things have plotted to keep this from feeling like Christmas. I’m not even going to talk about the personal things, since I’ve spoken on many of them several times before, but really just the incidental things that were the icing on the cake.

Nobody seems to put up Christmas lights anymore. The three houses just down the street from me, who seem to have lights to match every holiday, decorated beautifully as always… but when I’ve been in town, it’s almost like everyone has forgotten the holiday is coming. I guess I can’t talk, since I don’t even have a tree up in my own house – let alone Christmas decorations or lights on the outside.

It’s barely been cold on most days, never mind any snow on the ground, and since I rarely watch traditional TV anymore I haven’t “accidentally” run into any of the old Christmas specials I used to watch as a kid – nor did I seek them out, I guess… also my own fault. And in the same way that I don’t watch TV anymore, I don’t listen to the radio either… instead, just sticking to my normal playlist of a few thousand songs – which up until a few days ago, when I added Step Into Christmas, didn’t exactly have any holiday music in it.

I probably subliminally avoided all of it, since it’s hard for me to listen to any song or see any show that reminds me of back then. Because “then” was so good, and “now” is so not. But I need to take the advice that I’m happy to give out to others, and make sure that I appreciate how much good I’ve had back then and throughout my life, rather than focusing on how shit things seem now in the current time.

It’s strange to think about it now, how the time when “Santa” was delivering gifts was really only a few limited years, but somehow it also feels like it lasted forever. Probably because Mom and Dad did such a good job of making it real for me… and then even as I grew up, Christmas still came with almost all of the feeling as when Santa himself was involved. And I’ve got friends who never even got the Santa experience at all… and I can’t help but feel awful for them, knowing what a huge thing it was each year for me, and how I held on to that feeling for a long, long time.

It’s late now… so I don’t think that I’m going to try to seek out any of the old Christmas music, or search for any of the old Christmas specials… it’s a little late for that. But I am gonna try to go to sleep being appreciative of all the amazing Christmases that I’ve had in my past.

And before anyone thinks that tomorrow is going to be a bleh-fest for me, it’s not really like that. I’ve got plans with Cassi and her family again, just like on most holidays over the past few years… and I’m appreciative of that. So Christmas is going to be fine… I just miss when I felt it for the entire month of December, rather than for one single day. I guess we all just miss “the way things used to be”, especially for those of us who don’t necessarily have a family of our own to replace or continue that feeling. Meh… it’ll be fine.

I still know I’m lucky.

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