I’ve Got Too Much *clap clap* Time On My Hay-unds

I’ll do this and that on any given day, but overall, my life feels like it has been on pause for a long time now. 😔 Three big things are much of the reason behind it. Getting diagnosed with thyroid cancer two years back and then surgery to have that removed, my workers comp situation that’s been going on for well over a decade, and then waiting while my lawyers try to hammer out an agreement for the medical portion of my WC claim. 😐 So, technically, it’s guess it’s just two “big” things that have me on pause. 🤔

I mean, like everyone else, I’ve got a billion other little bitty tiny things that will pop up and add to the stress or anxiety whenever they feel like it, but it’s those things mentioned above that feel like they’ve put the brakes on “who I was” the most. 😕 This entry isn’t about getting into the finer details of how or why… even though it’s relatively obvious, at least on the face value things, how it would make life different for anybody if they had to deal with them as well.

I’ve got a “checkup” ultrasound scan that I’m supposed to schedule sometime around the end of spring / beginning of summer, and I’m not super excited for that. 😬 My yearly check up last fall, which included a second dose of radiation and a gamma scan, went fine… in so far that there wasn’t anything to be immediately worried about. 🤔🤷🏻‍♂️ But of course with something like this it’ll take a few return trips before anyone’s gonna be so bold as to declare me cancer free… and it’s hard not to be anxious about your future with that just floating out there. (It is a good sign that I’m only getting an ultrasound vs the whole other shpeal.)

And then the workers comp stuff, which (considering the above) should feel smaller than it does… but it’s another thing that’s been hanging over my head for what feels like forever, and as some of you may know – it has a way of being a thorn in my side almost every month, so it’s something that once it’s “solved” that month – I immediately start thinking about next month and what dumb shit I’ll have to deal with then. It’s just another “always there” thing. 😠 It’s a shame what a pain in the ass it all is, considering how great my doctor is. And it’s been the same d00d for all this time… 👨🏻‍⚕️🙂 I’m lucky, there.

Even though I probably won’t, I could say that I’m gonna start tomorrow… trying to change whatever it is that needs to be changed in order for me to feel like I’m restarting things. 😕🤷🏻‍♂️ Granted, not the best time, given the stay-at-home stuff goin’ on… but still, I’m gonna at least give it a little more of a shot. Tomorrow, the next day, the day after that… while allowing myself to have days where it’s just not working, but without letting those days totally sink the idea of getting myself headed in the right direction. 🤞🏻🙂

I gotta get out of this trap, where just because I know that some big shit is gonna go down soon regarding my WC settlement talks, it ends up causing me to waste most of my days as I sit there just waiting and wondering when “the next thing” is gonna happen. 😒 I miss so much of each day because my brain is looking too far ahead, fearing the worst. I suppose that applies to both of the examples that I mentioned in the first paragraph.

It’s not that I’m feeling sorry for myself or anything like that. I look around, I watch the news, I read the articles, and I know that I’m extremely lucky compared to a whole bunch of people. That’s all the more reason that I need to figure out how to stop being so affected by my stuff in the way that I am. 🤷🏻‍♂️😔 Meh… so yeah, this has been bouncing around in my head all day… figured I better put it in print so someone can remind me about this post and rightfully wag their finger at me if it seems I’m not doing what I said. 😏👍🏻

Sunny Sunday

It sure was a beautiful day today. Almost unfair, considering that we’re not really supposed to be out in it… at least not around other folks. 72 degrees, sunny, big poofy clouds, and lots of gusty wind to blow through the house. I ran out of pop last night, so I knew I was gonna have to go somewhere today, and that somewhere ended up being the gas station / quicky mart up the road.

They had the front double doors and the side door propped open, so the wind was blowing through the store just like it was outside. They also had signs that let people know that they only wanted five people at a time in the store, and asked folks to wait outside until someone left if the store was already “full.”

There was only one other customer inside the store when I went in, and she was over in the Subway part of the store. (I can guarantee you that I’m not buying a sub with fresh, cold, been-sitting-out-in-a-bin-all-day toppings on it.) So I grabbed some pop, some pretzels, some smokes, and then hit the road. The fella behind the counter didn’t seem too stressed, even though we both stood back from the counter except for the few moments when it was unavoidable.

But I was so distracted by the amazing weather that I found myself just sitting out on the porch, messing around with the phone to make a crude 3D scan of the house (works best w/touch interface), taking the cat out to smell the trees and the grass, and generally not doing anything productive the whole day. It really felt like a weekend day.

Oh, I did watch the iRacing NASCAR 125 race from “virtual” Texas in the afternoon, and it was pretty darn good like last weekend’s was. The race even had a sponsor, although I can’t remember who it was, and it looked like drivers and teams had some sponsorship deals going on as well. Looks like it might be sticking around for a while.

So yeah, it was nice to “waste” a day when it was as nice as it was, and when there was good stuff on the TV to distract. Getting ready to watch “Bad Boys for Life” here in a few, and then I’ll gather up all my mail and bills and shit so it’ll be ready for me sometime tomorrow after the grumpy from waking up wears off. I hope y’all were able to have a decent day as well.

Moments

I mentioned elsewhere that I wanted to make a positive blog entry today. It’s just that yesterday was relatively good, and it gave me time to reflect on some things during / about our current “shelter at home” situation. First thing was that it’s not a whole lot different than my default condition… heh… but now everyone is doing it. And as an introvert that hates being in large crowds, I do have sympathy for the extroverts who have to endure what must be a pretty awful time, being at home by themselves or only with their family.

But the first thing that I realized, despite not talking on the phone with anyone a whole heck of a lot, it does feel like I’m doing a lot more texting with Dad, Genesee, Amy, Cassi, etc. 🙂 And with the world feeling a little more heavy right now, I think it’s also making people appreciate even the “light” conversations more than we usually might.

Like I said, it hasn’t been that big of a change for me personally, spending so much time at home… but the different state of mind we’re all in, it’s been making me think much more often about Mom and other relatives that have passed. (Not in a scary or negative way.) Like I was telling someone earlier today, even from my front or back porch I’m noticing more of the little things in nature that Mom would always notice and love. 😌 Whether it’s crazy flocks of birds, weird cloud formations, birds buildings nests, etc… for some reason those things jump out at me and definitely make me think of Mom.

There’s a whole lot of anxiety in me, and a lot of negative feelings when it comes to many of the decisions that are being made by the current administration, so maybe my brain’s just trying to look out for me. 🤷🏻‍♂️ Helping me to also see the positive things that I might normally miss. It’s hard to describe… having a couple of days in a row, feeling pretty good in my thoughts despite what’s going on around the world… 🤔 Oh, and my kitty sure helps too… 😏

BIRDS

Yeah. I had a feeling this wouldn’t be very impressive… and it isn’t. 😏🤷🏻‍♂️

It’s just too fast, even at one frame every 1/3 second, 30 frames per second… and there’s nothing to really show scale, so the birds look way smaller than the beasts that they are. 🤔 It’s a little better full-screen.

Spring Birds

I noticed yesterday evening that my “spring birds” are starting to return to the big pine tree again. I’d say that it’s been five years in a row now that they’ve chosen that tree as the place where they spend their nights. 😊 They haven’t reached their full numbers yet, but I think that I still might try to do a time-lapse of them all landing tonight. Not sure if it’ll be that good, but it will at least serve as a test in case I wanna do another / better one once the tree fills up. It makes a person wonder how and why they chose this tree, and how they know or remember to return to it in the spring. 🤔

Had a really hard time falling to sleep last night. It was after 2am, and my anxiety levels were at their lowest point for the day… so I kinda hated to “give that up” by going to sleep. 😕 Days are more anxious than usual, for obvious reasons, so once you’ve reached those early morning hours it just feels nice that you “made it” through the day, everything feels like it has calmed down, and the chance for any unexpected BS popping up feels a whole lot less.

Meh… that’s all I’ve really got at the moment… 🤷🏻‍♂️🙂 So, no rambling… unusual, eh?

Manufacturing War Efforts

Factories changing the things they produce…

I love the music that plays during the above presentation. I gotta find some on Spotify…

It’ll take my generation (and younger) a while to wrap our heads around such change…

Granted, if Trump activates this authority now it’s for a war against a virus instead of a war against another country, but still… this is is something that really could happen soon. Hard to believe.