Saying Goodbye

Yesterday was rough. 😐 I woke up and hit the road shortly after dawn, because I wanted to allow myself plenty of time to compete with rush hour traffic heading towards Columbus. I just wanted to get up there early enough so that I could spend a while with Cassi and Lily before we had to head to the vet’s office. 😞 Once we were there, I couldn’t make myself stay in the room when the time came – but thankfully Cassi was strong enough to stay in there with Lily through all of it. As I sat out in the car waiting for her, I found what I felt was the best way to think about it…

Cassi loves Lily and didn’t want her to go, obviously, but she knew that for Lily’s sake – that’s what needed to happen. And Lily… I like to think that Lily didn’t want to go, but only because she didn’t want her adoptive mommy (and the other kitties in the house) to be sad and miss her. 😒 But Lily herself, I’m sure that if she would have been able to say it, she’d have said that it was time to go.Β  Thinking about it in human terms… as all of us approach our final years, there’s a pretty good chance that we ourselves will go through days, weeks, or maybe even months where we’d probably like to ask God to go ahead take us – due to the discomfort that often comes with that old age. πŸ‘΄πŸ»πŸ˜Ÿ

We were sniffling and sobbing all the way back to the apartment, and she was telling me even more little stories about Lily and some of the other cats that I hadn’t heard before… kind of a rolling “wake” of good kitty memories. πŸ™‚πŸ˜Έ Of course I couldn’t help but start thinking about Maven’s age, wondering how I’m going to be able to face it once that day comes for her… but luckily I’ve got both Cassi and Genesee who said they’re willing (and want) to be there. I wish I could have made myself stay in the room for Cassi, but she understood – and actually said that she never expected me to. 🀨 She basically said it in a way to let me know that she stayed in the room not only for Lily, but also so that I didn’t have to.

Advertisements

Skip This Depressing Shit

Some of you may know that I’ve got an issue with being able to check my email. I had to deal with quite a few “unpleasant” things through email, so apparently my brain just had enough and now it won’t let me use it. Despite that, I’ve recently (begrudgingly, with difficulty) been checking my messages out of necessity, but last night I had another setback when I checked my junk folder for a message that I’m waiting for, but instead saw an email that was allegedly from my mom. 😐 Now, Mom is quite sick, has no computer access, and even if she did – she wouldn’t be capable of sending anyone any email messages.

Even though I haven’t used email in ages, long ago I set up filters that would automatically trash any messages from people who I thought might damage my calm. πŸ˜’ But since I knew that Mom wouldn’t be sending any messages I had no reason to add her name to the filter. (She wouldn’t damage my calm, I’ve just excluded all family from my inbox.)Β So I don’t know if someone hacked her old account, or if it was a fake header just based on data-mined information about me… but I deleted it and added her to the filter. 😣 Can’t explain how depressing it is to see something like that, when there was a time that we didΒ often exchange a bunch of messages… but knowing that those times are long gone now. πŸ˜•

More sad news… I’ve got to go up to Columbus tomorrow to be with Cassi when she takes Lily in to be put to sleep. 😟 She’s had kidney problems for months now, but it’s gotten to the point where even though she’s still lovey, she’s visibly sick all the time, can’t control her potty stuff, can’t really eat or drink… of course it’s the “still lovey” thing that makes it so hard. (Not that it’s ever easy to lose a pet.) She tried doing weekly injections to jump-start kidney function, but eventually that stopped working. The vet agrees that it’s time, so yeah… ugh. 😒 To try and find some good cat news, at least Z is happy, doing good, and isn’t obese like she used to be. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ So there’s that.

And here’s some bonus awfulness. One of my good friends, his mom has been fighting cancer for a while now – and it turns out the doctor recently told her that she should expect to live for only three more months, give or take a bit. So she’ll make it through the holiday season, which is a blessing, but once the new year gets here things are gonna start to get bad for her and him. 😞 One of my other friends, she just got done with her final round of chemo and will be going in for her “final” scans at the end of the month. 😬 And I have to admit that I haven’t checked on Rick for a while to see how his leukemia battle is going… it’s just all so overwhelming when you think about it all at once, on top of life’s normal suck.

I swear, if I sat here and listed off every single thing that I have a legitimate reason to be upset or depressed about, people would max out their data plans just trying to read it all. Almost all of it is beyond my control, so it’s hard for me to come to terms with. I’m one of those people that always tells friends that sometimes they have to accept the suck in their lives, and that they shouldn’t expect every day to be full of friends, fun, excitement, happiness… but fuck… I’d like a break please.

I’mma Ramble For A Min

I don’t know if I’m going to have to deal with that nonsense every thirty days, but at least yesterday I was finally able to get the situation resolved. πŸ˜’ Everything ended up getting approved and paid for (after I got a refund for what I paid the day before) by the workers comp insurance. Everyone that I spoke to on the phone was super nice and helpful, which was almost disappointing – since I was really needing to shout at some people by that point. 😐 But yeah, it’s all settled for this month…

Now I’m sitting here in the house, living room floor covered with cat hair, wondering when my new vacuum cleaner is finally going to ship from Amazon. 🀨 I got it as part of a Black Friday / Cyber Monday/Week sale, but it wasn’t in stock at the moment and was advertised that it would ship in about a week. (It’s been about a week.) Meh… at least I don’t have any company coming over to see my furry carpet. πŸ™„

Outside, nothing has changed. It’s cold now, so stuff has stopped growing, but I never did get around to hiring someone to trim back all the hedges and other shit around the yard. πŸ™ It doesn’t look that bad, but it stays in the back of my mind that it needs tended to. πŸ˜’ That’ll probably be a “spring thing” to deal with before the lawn even requires mowing for the first time.

This house. I really don’t know what I want to do about it. It’s way too much house for one person, but it’s never been lived in by anyone other than a Batina. Grandparents, Dad, Aunt C, and now me. 😳 Lots of memories here, both good and bad… and it will/would be hard to not feel a little bit guilty about selling it and moving somewhere else. 😟 It shouldn’t be that way, but you know me – and how much memories / history / nostalgia / etc plays into my life. Plus, it’s the last thing that acts as “established Batina history/presence” and man would it feel weird to not have it around anymore to keep me feeling connected to my past. Hard to explain… but anyway…

Thankfully, now that I have all of my required meds in my system I’m feeling pretty good. Neck is still feeling more funky than it has in a long time, but I’m trying not to complain. I’m still waiting to see if the MRI is approved… and I’m hoping that if it’s not, that maybe I can use my Medicare insurance to cover most of it. Because I’m not doing it just to do it… something feels different, not good, and it’s making me a bit anxious. 😬 It’s been a decade since my cervical fusion surgery, so I don’t think it’s that far fetched to think that things may have changed in there since then.

Oh, You Need These?

Four straight days of talking to my doctor, talking to the pharmacy, going in to the pharmacy, them making calls… all trying to get my meds approved. The same meds that I’ve taken regularly for years. πŸ€” This is starting to smell.

I paid for one of the prescriptions with my own insurance today (the other isn’t covered, so I’m not sure what to do about that one yet) and had them print me out the refusal – along with two different numbers that I can call tomorrow to try and find out what the hell the problem is. 😠 I’ll start offΒ being nice, but if I can tell that I’m not going to get any results that way then I’ll be happy to adjust my attitude to reflect my frustration.

I’m also going to call and leave a message with my attorneys tonight, letting them know about this nonsense. And since there’s a court appearance coming up soon, I’m sure the judge will also find it interesting that all of the sudden I’m unable to get the medications that they’re legally required to provide for me. 🀨 I’m still hoping this is just an error, a coincidence… because I don’t wanna believe that somewhere, someone’s job is to just refuse to pay for meds that they technically can’t refuse to pay for. πŸ˜’

Then and Now

I’m gonna make an effort to feel Christmas this year. Without going into details, the past several years have thrown a lot of stuff at me, Mom, Dad… hell, most folks in the family, as well as many of my friends. It just seems like the past several years have gone out of their way to shit all over everyone. πŸ˜• Whether it’s on Facebook or from what I see and hear during the rare personal appearances that I make with friends and family – life just has this gloomy film all over it, that even the best “fake happy” can’t camouflage.

I’m glad that most folks are better able to get through the gloomy times than I am. I mean, I’m glad for them… heh… that they aren’t like me. 😏 But some of my friends and acquaintances… some of them I really worry about. I’ve watched as a couple friends have essentially become alcoholics, a couple others who frantically cling to awful relationship partners, and some who have just stopped trying over the past couple of years. πŸ™ Facebook is great for introverts like me, who don’t regularly “hang out” or whatever, but it sure gives you a window into people’s lives that even they might not realize they’re giving. (Yeah, I know… “… says the guy with the endlessly rambling personal blog.”)

Anyway, my point is that the more “bleh” a person is exposed to, the more difficult it is to be resistant to it. (Obviously)Β I don’t want to completely miss Christmas again this year though, so once I get my medication situation taken care of I’m gonna focus my efforts on that. I don’t think I even put up any decorations last year… I’m not even sure I still have a tree, as strange as that sounds.

It helps that recently I was going through some old family boxes and found a bunch of Christmas decorations and stuff from when I was little. Each significant ornament or decoration has some sort of good memory attached to it, and I need to keep reminding myself that just because things are “how they are” now – I can’t let that stop me from thinking back to all of the better times. Just because me and a lot of other people have countless reasons to feel miserable, it doesn’t mean that we can’t allow ourselves to feel good about the things that are worth feeling good about. πŸ€”πŸ™‚

Granted, this is something that non-screwed-up people already know and do… but right now it just doesn’t come naturally to me, hence the constant reminders to myself. 😏 I’m sure that in the 19 days between my birthday and Christmas there will be plenty of things that will challenge my efforts, so I just hope that they’ll be mild.

I want this Christmas to feel like Christmas.

Prior Authorization

It’s crazy to think that I’m going to be 45 years old tomorrow. 😐 It just doesn’t seem possible… that I’m… old. 😏 Thankfully, I very rarely feel my age… and even when I do, it’s usually because of my old work injury and the effects that I still feel each day because of it and the surgery. And as the fates would have it, right now it’s particularly bad – because I haven’t been able to get my medication refilled for three days now (due to mysterious insurance processing delays)Β and the withdrawal symptoms from Lyrica and Skelaxin are no joke. 😟

They aren’t even new prescriptions. I just need refills. Refills for meds that I’ve taken regularly for the better part of a decade. And while I won’t say that the two are related, it is curious to me that when I’ve got a court case pending and settlement talks ongoing… that’s when I’m suddenly forced to go “cold turkey” and suffer due to delays in processing the payment by the insurer. πŸ˜’ I’ll probably have to go in tomorrow and pay out of pocket (and hope for a refund eventually) in order to not feel like I’m dying. πŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ Trying to conceal my anger has been challenging. I just keep telling myself that it’ll get taken care of, because eventually it always does.

Bear with me… just a bit more complaining…

It’s just a helpless feeling to know that due to delays, clerical errors, product shortages, tactical fuckery, or whatever it is… to know that each time that my medication is due to be refilled, that it simply might not happen… and then while suffering from the understandable withdrawals, having to gather the motivation and energy to fight and figure out what to do to get those meds… ugh… it’s a fucking nightmare.

It doesn’t help that I’m slowly but consistently getting worse. Like I told my doctor, the pain and disability that I have right now… several years ago I would have been complaining loudly about it at each visit, but I’ve learned to live with it – that it’s just going to be there, and that’s that. But it shouldn’t be like that. 😠 So at my most recent appointment we decided that I should go in for another MRI to find out why I’m getting random pops and seizing of my neck when I’m less active now than I’ve ever been in my life. I can’t stop fighting to feel better, as frustrating as the workers comp process is. πŸ˜“

I should find out soon if they’ll allow me the test or if I’ll have to fight for that too…

Meh… Why Not?

Cassi and I made a trip down to Cincinnati again this past weekend. We didn’t even realize it until yesterday, but it’s apparently become kind of a tradition to visit the boat during this time of year – because we’ve got photos from last year and the year before, with all of the Christmas decorations there behind us. This year we only decided to make the trip since we couldn’t make the cheap-o day-flight down to Orlando work.

The Jack casino gave us a 6th floor room at the Holiday Inn on Broadway, which has a great view of the weird apartments and condos that are built into the hillside on the other side of the highway. Those places must have an amazing view of the city… I’d have a camera set up 24/7 to catch sunsets and storms and time-lapses and shit. 😏 Normally we’d just go down for one night, but since they’re willing to give two nights we’re not gonna refuse. It’s nice to be able to wake up the next morning and not have to immediately jump up and pack to make sure you’re out of there before check-out time.

It was a pretty standard trip, but since we weren’t actually staying at the boat we used our “full day” to just drive over there and back. So, no swimming or hot tubbing while we were there, but we did take advantage of the slot comps and free breakfast buffets. 🀀 They finally took all of the Cashman machines that Mom used to play off of the 4th floor, but they replaced them with Quick Hit slots which Cassi and I both like, so it was neat to sit up there and play in Mom’s corner for a while. ☺ The whole place looked a lot better than last year when we were there. (Lots of updates)

It was a nice trip, weather was nice for all three days, didn’t lose my ass, free room, free food… just a nice getaway for a couple of days. 😎 Oh… heh… and that Playstation VR that I orderedΒ the other day? Yeah, it got here on the day that I left, so it was sitting on my porch for the better part of two days with nobody coming along and swiping it, so that’s one good side effect of living outside the city. πŸ˜›Β Even though I’m excited that it’s here, I probably won’t have the oomph to hook it up and thoroughly mess around with it for a couple of days.

So yeah… back home now. πŸ˜• Yay?