Doing The Things

Haven’t had the energy to spend much time online the past week or so… gettin’ shit done, as required. Saw my primary care provider, saw specialist for my back, got labs done for my PCP, got scans done for the back specialist, then did my normal workers comp deal yesterday. Also went to the dentist’s office and scheduled what is technically the third part of a four part plan that started like a year ago… but with the cancer scare, Mom stuff, etc… it kinda got put on the back burner. But that appointment is now made as well.

Next couple of things I’m hoping to do today or tomorrow is making an eye appointment for some new glasses, taking some pics of my semi-broken HVAC unit outside and making a couple calls about getting the AC compressor replaced, and then I need to figure out what I want to have done outside regarding all the growing shit – and touch base with my lawn guy so we can get this spring and summer’s plan in action soon,

Bri is also super duper pregnant… I think she’s approaching 36 weeks here in a few days… so I’ll probably be taking her to one of her OB appointments, plus she’s been on the ball as well and will soon be moving into her first apartment – so I’m making available some different furniture from here in the house if she needs some stuff to fill her new place until she’s able or decides to get what she really wants. So yeah, it’s just been mostly mentally busy – and when my brain isn’t doing that type of processing, it’s preferred to have been doing none.

Had to be in Columbus the other day and caught my first crash on the dashcam. I’m lucky that I wasn’t just one car in front of where I was, because whatever happened to this d00d – he ended up slamming into an old lady and nearly pushing her car into the intersection. All from a dead stop, while appearing to have his foot on the brake the entire time. I saw them get out and they were both fine, and there’s no ambiguity when it comes to fault, so I didn’t stick around… plus I had somewhere I needed to be anyway.

Sometime today I’ve also gotta get into my e-mail and messages… Aunt Sharon and Dad are probably both waiting to hear from me about some things, and I’m still working on getting my brain to get used to using e-mail again.

Advertisements

Why Do I Take This Road?

Since I was now wide awake after sleeping as much as I did, I figured I’d throw on my shoes and head in town to pick up some meds that were waiting for me. I’m getting ready to try Celebrex for my back, at least until all the labs and scans come back, so I headed in town on Old Logan Rd. There was only one that jumped out in front of me and caused me to jam on my brakes, but man were the critters out tonight…

Yowza

10pm… groggy… slept all night last night, then took my morning meds and slept all damn day today. I mean, I guess I’m glad – since my body apparently needed about 20 hours of sleep in the past 24 hours… but cripes… these new meds, man.

I’ve got an appointment with my workers comp doctor on Monday, and I think I’m gonna talk to him about switching back to Lyrica. Klonopin does work to control the tremors in my shoulder, but if you aren’t completely awake and active – as soon a you take it it will knock you on your ass and you’ll sleep for eight hours. Hmm… maybe Lyrica in the morning, Klonopin at night. You’d think after a decade of treating my injury we’d have it worked out – but between workers comp fighting against paying for the expensive Lyrica, and me getting insurance that would completely cover the Klonopin…. I dunno, there’s just a variety of decisions to be made I guess.

Still haven’t put my other plans into action yet, but hoping that this weekend will help motivate me. Gotta get my shit together…

Why Do I Do These?

I think the sequence that I came up with was too long, because my laptop chokes and pukes every time I try to render this animation in 4k UHD resolution. And even at what should be a decent looking 1080p resolution, for some reason it still looks glitchy as shit. But if you wanna bounce around locations in Columbus, Ohio for over ten minutes… here ya go. (I’m probably done with this app for a while…)

Click the bottom right corner box for full screen and set to 1080 HD for best experience…

The Other Stuff

TRIGGER WARNING: This entry is gonna cover some of the other depressing shit that has also been filling my thoughts and influencing my mood recently. But I think it’ll help to explain why when it did hit me, about Mom being gone gone… why it was so easy for it to knock me down and keep me there.

About a year ago my best friend Jim lost his mom to cancer. At the end of last year, Brianna, another of my closest friends, lost her mom to cancer. And Christina was more than just “Bri’s mom” to me… she treated me like family. Rick, a classmate of mine, has been fighting cancer for two years now, and rarely posts to Facebook anymore, which seems like a bad sign. Then on the first of this month, another school friend, Stephanie, died in her sleep from unknown and absolutely unexpected causes. Her oldest son turned 18 just two days later. And then today, my “cousin-in-law” Gloria lost her sister Wanda to cancer as well.

Jim’s mom was in her early 70s, but Christina was only in her early 40s, Rick is my age, Stephanie was only two years older than me, and I think Wanda may have been barely into her 50s. And Mom’s best friend through the entirety of her adulthood, Cecil… she passed away within the year as well. I’m actually sitting here afraid that I’ve neglected to mention someone, because it seems like every direction that I turn – sickness and death is what I see, and in many cases – in people far, far too young for most to even think it’s a possibility.

(Oof… this is gonna be a downer of an entry, that’s for sure…)

And of course, having cancer myself… or at least having had cancer (fingers crossed)… all of the stuff mentioned above doesn’t exactly do a lot to put my mind at ease. A long life before passing… that is something that hurts, but we understand it. People dying at my age or younger, from things like lung cancer when they were very vocal non-smokers… those are the ones where it starts to make less sense. And then ones like Stephanie that are there one day, making posts about her dog and her son’s upcoming birthday, then *poof* … simply gone the next. No rhyme or reason, and I’m not good when it comes to shit like that.

But for my stuff, I did get another appointment with my family doctor at the beginning of this week, tried to sum up all of the things I’ve been talking about here, and told her that I’m not really comfortable with what (to me) feels like a lack of concern or urgency once my thyroid removal and radiation treatment was completed. I’m not being neglected or anything… but after the surgery, radiation, and scan – other than the thyroid guy getting my levels right via medication, nothing else has happened or was scheduled to happen until July. I realized that I’m not okay with that. “You have cancer. We cut the cancer thing out. We think we got all the cancer. See you in half-a-year.” Christina also got the “we think we got it all” speech after her first surgery as well (I was there) so… umm… no. Not good enough.

It would be another thing if I honestly just felt great, and all these other things were just spooking me, but that’s not the case. Without going into details, there are things that just feel “wrong” for lack of a better term, and since I’ve gone with the “flashy” insurance this year I would be dumb to not metaphorically pound my fist on the table and ask for a little more. So that’s where I’m at now… the start of “a little more” phase. Tomorrow I’m seeing someone regarding my come-and-go, sometimes excruciatingly painful back problem… and, thankfully, with the lab being in the same building, my primary care provider has ordered an assload of blood and urine tests to not only hit on the regular “physical” type stuff, but cancer indicators as well… so I’ll do those right after the back guy.

So yeah… I’ll admit that with all of this stuff on my mind, I’ve essentially disappeared as far as my friends would describe it. At least in person, I mean. One, it’s hard to want to go out and do anything fun or visit with anyone when my brain is so full of this shit… and two, more than half of the time I just physically feel too crappy to even consider it. Now that it’s going to be looked into with a little more detail, I’m hoping that with good or at least encouraging results I’ll be more likely to spend at least a few days trying to act like everything is fine, and hopefully trying to start living my life again.

I’ve been out to see Dad a few times in the past month and a half, but when it’s hard to make myself get up and do anything even on good days – I know that I’ve not been visiting as much as I should or as much as I want. It’s hard to explain “I just can’t.” to someone, when it’s hard for you to even understand yourself. I can’t remember the last time I’ve opened my e-mail app, but I’m gonna try to at least start doing that again. My biggest problem is that I’m not exactly some cheery ray of sunshine right now, and I’ll probably struggle to come up with e-mails to Dad that are any less depressing than this particular blog entry. I guess that’ll force me to really think about each day, or couple of days, to find the little good (or at least “okay”) moments that I’m sure are there. But yeah, that’s the plan for now…

(And I’ll try to limit the depressing topics here in the blog for a while after today’s posts. Wish me luck.)

Delayed Reaction

It’s been an up and down week. I had those two or three pretty good days right after being sick for a day and a half… but like I said, probably not so much that I felt any better than normal – but the relief of not puking every few hours for an entire day and night just makes you appreciate a normal “bleh” mood a bit more. 😏 But then right after that, it was the strangest thing…

Mom has been gone for more than a month… and of course the first week or two after she passed was filled with well-wishes, company, and general “fuss” (I don’t mean that in a bad way at all) that one expects after such a thing. Then I took some time to really isolate myself so I could just feel it… adjust to it… I dunno… I just wanted nobody around so I could react however I needed to. 🤷🏻‍♂️ And my dumb ass assumed that after all of the above, my brain had processed and handled it. Heh… nope. 😟

I don’t even know what triggered it, but man… a couple of days ago – it finally really hit me. 😢 Or finally hit me for the first time, because Genesee said that she completely understood what I was trying to explain to her, and she says it was by no means a one-time deal for her after her daddy passed away several years ago. I think what happened was I crossed the line where I was just happy and relieved for Mom, that she was no longer struggling with a mind and body that were fighting against her… and I hit the point where it really sank in that she was gone gone – and then I was worthless for the better part of three days, feeling indescribably sad about everything that her being gone made me think and feel. 😔 Gawd this is such a difficult thing to explain…

It’s probably all selfish, but understandable emotion… but the thing that wouldn’t leave my mind is that from this point on, any “new” person that I meet or that comes into my life… they won’t get to know her, and I can’t explain how unfair that is for all of those people. 😠 For those few days I just lost the ability to be happy about all of the happy memories and experiences, and it was all sad, mad, bitter, etc. Then I finally decided to talk out loud to her… the first time that I had done that since she passed.

I’m sure some people might think it’s strange, but with all of my grandparents gone, a couple uncles, an aunt, some friends… at one point or another, I’ve spoken out loud to them as I sat in the recliner, did my laundry, walked around outside, fed the cat… whatever the case may have been that made me want to say something to them. 🤷🏻‍♂️🙂 But I hadn’t been able to do that with Mom until just the other day, and I was actually feeling guilty about it. That I had so easily done it with the others, but for some reason wasn’t able yet to do that with her. But I’m glad that I finally did, because that’s what started pulling me out of that awful mood.

I reminded myself that she’s now up there with her mom and dad, among so many other relatives and friends that I may not even remember myself – but who were all waiting to greet her when she got there. 😊 And then I told her that I knew she wouldn’t want me to just sit in the house and feel how I was feeling, and I told her that I was going to try as hard as I could to get out of that funk and focus on the happy rather than the negative feelings. I don’t want her checking in on me, only to find that I’m a useless, crying, angry mess. I can’t let it mess me up like it was messing me up for those few days.

I talked for probably fifteen minutes or so… heh… and again, I know, it does sound a little weird… but with every thing that I’d say, I could feel the weight being lifted off of me… at least to when it comes how I was feeling about Mom being gone. (More of the “other stuff” in the next entry, coming fairly soon.) It’s weird though… not only did I feel guilty for not talking to her sooner, but also a little bit guilty for that horrible feeling not hitting me this hard way before this point. 😟 But again, Genesee helped… saying it was roughly a month for her as well, before she got the real “gut punch” feeling that you almost expect to feel the day of, or day after it happens. Of course I miss Mom… but I really do think I was just getting past my feelings of relief and happiness for her, and on to feeling sorry for myself – and everyone else that no longer gets to have her as an ongoing part of their life.

I’m sorry if this comes off as gloomy… but what I’m actually trying to say is that yeah, it hurt… then it really really hurt… but then you find a way back from it. 😌 I’m not looking forward to this becoming a recurring “surprise” thing, but I do know now that that’s just the way it works. 🥺 But I think each time that it happens, it’s gonna be easier for me to talk to her, remember all of the good – and there was a lot of good – and not let that awful feeling consume me like it was during these past few days.

Peaceful

I purposely kept myself away from everything digital for most of today… which helped me to have a second successful day of feeling alright. Not much action to speak of throughout the day, but towards the evening all of the “buzzards” came home to my big trees to sleep for the night. It was just the right kind of peacefulness that I needed. Almost don’t know what to do with myself, having two days in a row feeling so drama and stress free. Not holding my breath for it to continue, but it’s sure nice while it’s happening…