Adjustment

At my most recent shrink appointment, he prescribed Paxil and Lamictal. He spooked me with the Lamictal though, so I haven’t started taking it yet. Serious talk about the possibility of a rash that could mean something very bad. 😳 So it’s a difficult medication to “sell” when someone already has high anxiety. But the Paxil, the first week (which is now done) I was to take only one in the morning. Now, I’m supposed to take one in the morning and one at night. I’m hoping that will help the problem that I’ve noticed all this week.

I’m also going to start the Lamictal tonight as well. I just never like starting two new meds at the exact same time, because then whether I experience a benefit or a side effect, you can’t know which one was the cause… although I suppose sometimes you don’t get the benefit or side effect unless you’re taking both of them. 🧐

This past week, even though I usually slept well, every time that I’d wake up the next day I would have instant severe anxiety already happening. 😣πŸ˜₯ Now, it’s not like this is the first time that this has happened… and I know it sounds bad to describe it this way, but sometimes when anxiety is so bad, it’s just the disappointment of waking up that triggers it. 😐 Oof, yeah, that sounds way worse than I intend it to. But yeah, it was random before, but it’s been a constant since I’ve started taking the Paxil in the morning. So hopefully now that I’ll be taking an evening dose as well, maybe that’ll change how I wake up.

That’s the one positive though… as long as I take it immediately upon waking up in a near panic attack, the feeling actually goes away relatively quickly. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈπŸ™‚ So I’m still hoping this will be something good, and it’s just a matter of getting on the right dosage. And yeah, it’s probably a little weird that I’m just putting this all out here for anyone to read – but it’s not like I’ve tried to keep the “twitchy” side of me a secret. 😏 And I really do know the majority of the things that have triggered it (and keep triggering it) so it’s not like I’m staggering around in the dark, unable to see the boogeyman.

It’s not a permanent solution, because it’s not a good solution, but part of me getting my head straight is by cutting myself off from people for a while. 😞 As I’ve described it before, my empathy is like a horrible super power that I’ve got… and when I know so many people that are going through so many awful things, I absorb the feelings that they’re experiencing regarding many of those things. 😣 Add that on top of my medical stuff, my workers comp stuff, my disability, etc… and unfortunately the easiest way to reduce anxiety is by avoiding the sources (and even potential sources) other than my own. πŸ₯Ί Then (I’m hoping) once I’m in a better place, I’ll be better able to function like a “normal” human and bring myself back into the fold. I don’t know if it’s a good plan, but it’s a plan…

EDIT:Β  Jesus… maybe I’m not quite ready to risk this Lamictal. 😯 I shouldn’t have googled.Β 

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Bad At Feeling Bad

Saw my workers comp doctor on Thursday, discussed the additional pain in my neck and shoulder from relying on my cane (for my unrelated knee pain) this past month, but mostly discussed the upcoming WC mandated “review” – and he’s just as frustrated by what they’re trying to do as I am. πŸ˜’ Then I finally went back in to my prescribing shrink after taking a couple months’ break to get used to my new WC doc meds… and ended up spending an entire hour with him.

Granted, when you talk to a counselor you usually get an hour, but typically the pill shrink just wants to get you in and out of there, prescribing what he feels is appropriate based on the counselors notes and maybe a few followup questions. He talked to me about so many different possible meds, I have to admit that I don’t even know which ones he ended up calling in for me. I guarantee you that I’m going to be doing a lot of googling before I start taking anything… especially considering the other meds I’m already taking, and that in about a month I’ll have to stop taking my thyroid meds to prep for the next radiation pill treatment.

Meh… I’m not gonna get into all that. But I’m gonna try what he thinks I should, as long as I don’t find anything concerning that he maybe didn’t consider. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ But for the past hour or so, I’ve been waking up and psyching myself up for the trip into the pharmacy. Three different doctors, multiple prescriptions, many new, some to be covered by WC, but still might not be, and then others meant to go through my regular insurance. 😣 For some reason they can’t mark it in their system, which meds go through which insurance, nor can I count on some of them being approved anyway, so this’ll be a fucking process today. 😠

I know. 😐 This is just what people have to do. The medical / workers comp / insurance programs in the US are shit, nobodyΒ does it without jumping through hoops, dealing with delays and irritation… but I’m still gonna bitch about it. 😏 And sure, whether it’s WC or traditional insurance… once, maybe twice, do what you have to do to verify that “Yeah he’s broken. Yeah he needs those meds.”Β (I get it… fraud prevention) but then just cover the shit plz. πŸ€• Go through that sort of bullshit long enough and you can totally understand why people, as they get older and feel more broken, just can’t or don’t want to have constant adversarial engagements with the whole system – and just stop bothering with some of it. 😒 Especially when the doctor’s hands are tied and they can’t even prescribe you the meds that could actually make you feel better – whether due to WC guidelines, insurance not covering it, or it simply being too cost prohibitive. 😠 Man it fucking pisses me off…

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I’m just bad at feeling bad when a)Β I’m denied treatments that could make me feel better, and b) people are still fighting to take the things away from me that merely keep my pain tolerable. πŸ˜–

Oh, and my insurance company… they keep leaving messages, saying that they want to schedule an in-home visit from a doctor that can evaluate me and give me his or her opinions as well. πŸ™„ Yeah, um, no. You’re insurance. Just be insurance. Get my health info from my records like a normal company… and don’t expect me to invite you into my house with another handful of hidden hoops behind your back. 🀨 Okay, I guess I’ve dragged my feet long enough, and should get in town and see what kind of luck I have with all this shit.

It Saves You Money, But Okay…

Woke up yesterday and finally dug into my mail, did my few bills, and presto – I now have double the doctor appointments in the next seven days. 😐 I guess it’s good I opened my mail when I did, but I now have more days reserved for doctors than I do for myself. πŸ˜’ The super-earlyΒ involuntary one is all the way up on the NW side of Columbus.Β Another “We want you to see our guy.” appointment mandated by workers comp, to determine (yet again… I’m losing count) if my injury/disability is worthy of the meds I’m being prescribed. πŸ˜”

Keep in mind, it was only a handful of months ago that my doctor was told WC was no longer going to cover my monthly doctor visits, because (as they were allegedly claiming) I missed appointments and didn’t pick up the meds that I am subscribed… just a bunch of nonsense stuff. πŸ™„ So me, trying to do anything to avoid more forced exams, more industrial commission hearings, the potential refusal of payment for my meds… I actually asked my doctor to switch me to something different, but with what sounded like similar positive treatment results. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈπŸ‘¨πŸ»β€βš•οΈ I did this because I wouldn’t have been able to afford the monthly Lyrica prescription if they decided to stop paying, and also because I legitimately never feel good and was hoping that the change might not only help me feel better, but also cost my former employer’s WC insurer much less – a possible win-win, which I foolishly thought would make them happy and maybe leave me alone.

But no… just a couple months later, now I have to see another examiner under the premise of justifying what I’m now being prescribed. 😣 I hate that the shit they’re doing is working… almost always delays in getting certain meds filled, that weird phase where they were making false claims and threatening to stop paying for visits, etc… and it worked. πŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ It spooked me, so I made a change that I stupidly thought would make those things go away, and instead that’s probably what triggered this new exam. “If you were taking (that) for so long, why are you now okay with taking (this)?” is the direction I’m expecting this to go. Yeah, I’m sure the guy who will have seen me once will know better than my doctor who has been treating me forΒ over a decade.

Of course this couldn’t come at a worse time. More on that in a later entry, maybe. πŸ˜”

(Unrelated…) I honestly don’t feel like doing anything. My chill is pretty much gone for the day. 😠 Oh, and the “wait, there’s more” from my “Chaos” entry the other day, when part of the town was without power? Nothing surprising. Everyone forgot how to drive, everyone was in a hurry and mad at anyone who dared to treat a dead traffic light as a 4-way stop, rude ass people in the stores acting as if the fucking sky was falling, and just the general unraveling of all the fragile humans’ brains pretty much like you’d expect. (GREAT idea, Skippy… rush to the opposite side of town to buy a whole bunch of fridge/freezer food, while also complaining that you have no idea when your power will be back on. πŸ™„πŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈπŸ˜’)Β And then while driving again, this bizarre woman who had the right of way at our intersection actually started waving her arm wildly, mouthing something at me with an angry scowl on her face… which was her “polite” was of telling me to go ahead and turn in front of her, I guess. Fucking humans, man… a few hours without electric and they’re basically fucking cavemen again.

A Couple Days Off

It’s not that I took a couple days off, but more that I took care of stuff that needed taken care of – and sorta dropped off the map when it came to answering messages or keeping in touch with anyone those days. πŸ˜• I just didn’t get much sleep before the early morning when the AC guys got here, and they spent all morning and a bit of the afternoon in and out of the house, making noise, getting shit done… and I’m not complaining, because they did a quick and awesome job, but it just threw my brain off for the day which triggered an unintentional nap and then 12 hours of sleep that night. 😳 Not complaining about that either.

The following day was reserved for doctor appointments, and a possible haircut… which didn’t end up happening… my knee was feeling more fucked than the day before, and the day before that, so just driving across town to Riverview was enough to put and keep a scowl on my face from the pain. 😣 Like the day before, I hit the bedroom (and night time meds) early, and sacked out just after the sun went down. Didn’t evenΒ think about checking messages, calls, or e-mails… just felt shitty and wanted the day to end. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ

Today seems like it could be slightly better. No appointments today or tomorrow, my knee actually feels a little bit better… which is always comforting, thinking that whatever it is may “heal” itself without any extra action by me or a doctor or surgeon, but like I said – it’s only slightly better, so I’m not holding my breath. πŸ˜’ But I did make a trip into town to pick up the meds from yesterday’s appointments, and it wasn’t too bad. I think it helped that the sun was out at the time, earlier this morning, even though it looks like the gloomy is starting to roll in along with the afternoon.

My mood hasn’t quite improved enough for me to start tackling all of the message notifications, but I’m hoping by later this afternoon or evening I’ll have shaken this mood and will get to all of the things that need my attention. Bri might be spending her first full night in her apartment tonight, so it’s possible that I’ll try to stop over there and drop off a few of the Amazon boxes of housewarming gifts that Gen had shipped here, for me to give to her. 😏 I dunno… playing this day by ear, still not exactly sure how it’s all gonna go.

Getting By

Heh… I don’t really visit my own site, so I had to chuckle when I clicked over and was reminded that the title of the last entry was “Tired Of This Shit” because I was like, “Yeah, that sounds about right.” 😏

Things have been rough this past week too, because why wouldn’t they be, eh? πŸ™„ Gah… I’m trying not to bitch even more than I already have been, but this week was loaded with appointments – so of course I had to start it all off by being sick. 🀒 You know, I’m not even gonna cover how this week was… I’d rather just be thankful that the week is over, and that I think I’m about back to 100%. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ Or at least what passes for 100% for me these days.

Only appointment I had to cancel was the dentist, and that’s because it was the first appointment of the week – right when I was feeling my worst, and in the midst of a shitty 36 hours of not being able to sleep. Great way to start the week. I guess there wasn’t anything remarkable about any of the other appointments… if anything, they went pretty good… it’s just been a little exhausting being sick, not being able to sleep, but still getting up around dawn each day to make it to this place or that place.

Today wasn’t bad though. I knew I felt good enough to eat something, even though nothing sounded good, but then since we were out that way we decided to stop at Frisch’s Big Boy for lunch. πŸ™‚ Our eyes were both a little bigger than our stomachs, but at least that meant goodies to take home. Plus we had the nicest, most genuine waitress that I can remember having for a long time.

So now it’s a couple days off before another appointment Monday, and then the follow-up with the endocrinologist later in the week. πŸ‘¨πŸ»β€βš•οΈ Four tubes of blood for several different tests, information from the scan at the hospital a while back… this will be my first appointment since then and, believe me, good or bad, waiting for info like this isn’t easy. πŸ™Β That’s probably part of the reason that I’m having even more trouble sleeping than usual.

Buncha Nothin’

While I’m technically ready to start doing all of the adulting that I’ve got planned for the first couple of weeks of the new year, I am glad that today was essentially a “paused” day… where even if I wanted to, nothing significant could really be accomplished. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈπŸ™‚ I didn’t go out last night, nor did I have any company over, but I still didn’t fall asleep until around 3am. And of course I woke up too damn early, so my brain is thankful that the only real work that I’ll be doing today will be the stuff that I can address by mail. Which leaves all of the phone calls for tomorrow. 😳 Yay. 😟

Last night wasn’t totally lonely though. Brianna also stayed at home, although she was also babysitting for her sisters, so we ended up keeping each other company via messages up until the ball dropped at midnight and then a while after. β˜ΊπŸŽ‰ I think my adulting may be rubbing off on her, because a lot of what we talked about was both of our growing lists of “Shit We Gotta Do” in the next week or two. 😏 I mean, nobody is really a fan of responsibility, but I think it made her feel good (the same way it does me) to spend some of her evening coming up with a game plan of her own. πŸ“’πŸ–ŠπŸ‘§πŸ»

I wish that I didn’t have to take Cassi back home earlier last night, but she did end up staying later than we originally planned. It was a rough, dark, rainy, stressful drive up to Columbus in that horrible weather – with 80% of the traffic still breaking the speed limit, and the other 20% either scared, creeping slowly, or completely stopped along side of the highway as they waited for the rain to stop. β˜πŸŒ§πŸ˜―πŸ˜£πŸ˜§πŸ™ˆβ›ˆπŸŒ§ While she was here though, we started watching a new Korean rom/com/dram called Strong Girl Bong-soon. It’s strange how easily I take to Korean songs and shows now that I’ve been doing it for a bit. πŸ˜πŸ‡°πŸ‡·

But yeah… this is kind of a rambling post since it’s been a leisurely kind of day for the most part. All of my upcoming doctor appointments are still heavy in my mind though… I’m just trying to not let them bother me today. 😟 I will say this though. I haven’t been feeling great for the past couple of weeks. 😐 Not awful, but not how I normally feel either. So while I’m not gonna try to predict anything when it comes to my upcoming tests, I think I’m subconsciously getting myself ready for some potentially bad news. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ

It doesn’t help that I’ve been having a lot of anxiety filled dreams lately as well. 😳 Not exactly nightmares, but dreams that definitely had a negative feel. And twice now I’ve had dreams where I died. πŸ˜• One was strange… I had already passed away, but I was still around to console people and to help with all of the arrangements needed in that sort of circumstance. 😬 But the bad dreams, the specific “not feeling well” things… right now I am choosing to attribute it all to the Wellbutrin that one of my docs put me on. πŸ€’

I haven’t felt this mentally and physically shitty in a long while. πŸ˜” And it’s so much so that I’m going to stop taking that new med until my next appointment with that doctor, so I can let him know the side effects that I’ve been experiencing. Over the years I’ve probably tried half-a-dozen different meds to help with depression or anxiety, and never have I made it past a month or two before the side effects outweighed the potential benefits – and I’m pretty sure this one will be the same way. 🀨 I’ve also got something more immediate for anxiety, but I haven’t noticed any bad side effects from that one, so perhaps I’ll be able to keep one-out-of-two in my rotation this time.

Alrighty then… time for some football. πŸ™‚πŸˆ Ready to push the scary thoughts to the back again for now.

Grumble

I had Bri around for a few days. I hadn’t been able to spend much time with her since Christina passed, partly due to schedules, partly due to my radiation stuff still going on… but yeah, the last few days have been nice with her around. I don’t need to entertain her, there was plenty of Netflix, Plex, and YouTube, and we were both probably more productive with whatever stuff we needed to work on than had we not been each other’s company. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈπŸ™‚

Had to wake up before the sun rose this morning, to make sure I’d make it to my 8-o-fucking-clock doctor appointment, and I’m still in a shit mood about it. 😠 I’ve never been excited about any type of mental health care… heh… and I suppose it shows sometimes, but yeah, this was my first real session with a shrink shrink, and getting medications that he thinks will help me be less twitchy. Meh… I’m trying to not even think about it much right now and I’m gonna just see how it goes.

I can’t be bothered with all that stuff right now though because, yet again, I’m doing the monthly fight to get my workers comp medications. 🀬 You know, the same medication that I’m apparently being accused of not getting filled and not picking up like I should. Is that what they’re trying to use against me? That they force me to completely run out and sometimes have to wait days before the next prescription is finally approved? Are they holding that “delay” against me? Yeah, I don’t feel like talking about that right now. πŸ˜’

I swear though, next month’s calendar is already peppered with doctor and other appointments. Half of them are actually still related to the thyroid cancer treatment, but now there’s PCP appt, workers comp doc appt, thyroid stuff, talky shrink, pill shrink… bleh… it’s making me tired just looking at it. Gonna try to continue to make some changes at my next WC appointment as well, which might not go easily… I’m just tired of going to a pain management place while still being in pain each day. πŸ˜– Something obviously isn’t working quite right and I deserve to have it changed in order to improve my treatment and my condition.

Yeah… already done with today, man…