New Rule

I have to stop letting how I feel when I wake up each day be an indicator of how I’m going to feel for the rest of the day. 🀨 Especially since I usually have the luxury of waiting it out… taking my morning meds, giving it a little time, and eventually feeling at least somewhat better. And yeah, I know that this is such a “Yeah, no shit.” thing for normal people, so of course my brain just instinctively resists the idea. πŸ™„

I’m gonna be so bad at getting older and more broken if I don’t keep trying to recognize my flawed ways of thinking and trying to change them. πŸ‘¨πŸ»β€πŸ¦³ The other thing that I have to work on is learning to accept that some of the physical things just aren’t going to get better. What’s that Garth Brooks song? Much Too Young (To Feel This Damn Old) 😏 Heh… I really hate that my blog is like 90% “bitching about things” these days though… like today, it was only four hours of sleep, waking up because I could feel my pulse in my friggin’ jaw, and then (when I got up to go to the bathroom)Β discovering that my back is trying to re-fuck itself.

I swear, there’s an invisible hat in my house somewhere, filled with bits of paper listing all of my various potential ailments or irritants for the day, and some unseen force just grabs three or four of them at random and there ya go. πŸ€•πŸ€’πŸ˜–πŸ˜·πŸ˜ŸπŸ€’πŸ˜“β™Ώ The unending uncertainty of each day is such shit… so waking up depressed or mad is understandable, but I gotta stop letting it stick… especially if that’s the only thing that seems to be triggering it on that particular day.

But it’s been a few hours now since I woke up, my meds are kicking in, things are sucking a bit less, but I’m still gonna take it easy today. I’ve got another appointment tomorrow, plus I need to build up some positive juju because I wanna get back in to see Dad again next week, Bri is gonna be induced and have her baby next week as well – starting at 6 friggin’ AM, then on Saturday Jim’s going to Buckeye Lake to meet up with his dad, brother, and Adam at Pizza Cottage and I’ve also been invited. I’ve missed the last couple of hang-outs with them, so I really wanna try to make it this time. πŸ˜”πŸ€žπŸ»

And that leads me back to the new rule. Well, let’s call it a guideline, since I know that I’m going to fail at it at least as often as I succeed…. but without being able to “shake off” how I feel when I wake up, none of that fun stuff on my potential to-do list will be possible. History has proven that more times than I’d like to admit. πŸ˜’ Trying to adjust my attitude each day will let me hopefully be less flakey to my friends and family, and being less flakey to my friends and family in itself will help keep my mood going in the right direction. I just have to hope that my meds decide to start pulling their weight again soon too.

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Blank Slate

With the way my past few days had gone, and then getting suckered in by that early evening nap yesterday, I sure didn’t expect to get a decent night of sleep last night anyway and then wake up feeling as good as I do. Keep in mind, it’s always “relatively speaking” when I talk about how I feel… but yup, not too tired, aches and pains aren’t too bad, and whatever ick I’ve been slowly fighting off seems like it may finally be gone.

It’s even fairly warm outside, so I’m gonna go ahead and open up the house to blow some stink out, and maybe do a little of this and that around the house as I watch the race. (Even though, honestly, I probably won’t even really be watching it. I’ve lost so much buzz for NASCAR over the past couple of years.)Β The only mandatory thing for the day is getting the mail opened and bills caught up, but I have a feeling that this will be the first day in a while where I’ll be able to be a little more productive than that without it taking some sort of toll on me. πŸ™‚ It feels silly to be kinda excited about that, but that speaks to how crappy I feel most days.

And when I was at Walgreens to pick up Dad’s prints the other day, I also went ahead and grabbed what will be a purpose-specific little notebook so I can continue to get my shit together. Sure, I could do it on my phone, but I’ve just been wanting a notebook where (all in one place) I can start listing out all my doctors, addresses, phone numbers, meds prescribed by each one, etc… and in another part I’ll do the same with my lawn guy, potential other handyman/repair/service/etc type people or companies. Just wanting to inject a little more order into my sometimes aimless life. Even if doing all that is almost just for a placebo effect, it’s gonna make my brain happier if I do this and then have all of that information right there at hand whenever I need it. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ

Meh… guess I should stop rambling and get to enjoyin’ the day, eh? 😏 It could be a one-off…Β  heh

Whirlwind

The past few days have been rough… starting off with some sort of 36-hour bug that had me down for the count. I can’t remember the last time that I felt that bad and threw up that much. It was awful. For 24 hours I didn’t even leave my bed, unless it was to go to the bathroom, but by yesterday morning I could tell that I was starting to get back to decent. Not completely better, but with as miserable as I was feeling, man did I feel blessed to feel at least as good as I was feeling. (I appreciated Gen keeping me “company” through an always-open message screen… ‘cuz man does it suck to feel alone when you’re that sick.)

But later that evening I got a few messages from my friend Bri, telling me about some concerns she was having regarding her pregnancy… and that she was advised to go to the hospital to have a couple tests done, but she wasn’t able to find anyone that could give her a ride. Her sister and brother-in-law both had the same bug as me, so I totally understood their inability to drive her there and wait – so I ended up being her last resort, and luckily I was just good enough to be able to go in and take her.

Everything ended up being fine but the whole ordeal didn’t wrap up until after 1am, and then I didn’t manage to get to sleep until after 4am. I had made plans with Aunt Sharon to go visit Dad today, but that was before I knew I’d have my late night at the hospital. (I had a bunch of old slide scans of him, Mom, me, and others turned into prints that I definitely at least wanted to drop off – even if I wasn’t feeling good enough to stay long.) So a few hours sleep and I was back up and at ’em. Sort of. Took me forever to get moving, because I could (and can still) tell that I haven’t quite shaken whatever had me laid out.

The visit was really good, and I finally ate some real food, but almost immediately when I got home I sacked out for a three hour nap. Not really what I wanted to do, risking losing a normal sleep schedule, but I didn’t get much say in the matter. I think I’m still good though… and between wearing a mask the whole time at the hospital, and then hopefully being over it by today, hopefully I won’t end up getting anyone else sick. Whatever it is is really going around though, so everyone’s kinda watching out for it.

I don’t know how I didn’t manage to jinx myself today. During that “Ahh!” period of feeling better after a couple days of puking, that’s when I made the plans to go see Dad… so I’m lucky that I didn’t end up overdoing it or setting myself back with the lack of sleep and end up having to cancel. For once my body didn’t betray me… let’s all hope that I can still get some good sleep tonight in a few hours though. Still staying optimistic, cuz any improvement over a couple days ago is worth being happy about. And maybe it was good to get one more day before I try to throw myself back into “getting some things done around here” – albeit slowly. Still trying to get myself back on track from this past month…

You Might Not See It

Despite all my bitching, I can at least say that I’m doing better than I was several months ago – at least regarding my anxiety, my “twitchy”, and whatever other random weird mental things affect me. 😡 I’m obviously going to have setbacks, where I kinda just retreat into my shell (like today), but considering that just a few months ago I wasn’t talking to hardly any of my friends, wasn’t really visiting with Mom and Dad, had no desire to do pretty much anything… where I’m at right now is objectively better, even though a lot of times it doesn’t feel that way to me.

But I’ve been back on email with Dad for a couple months now, after essentially abandoning email as a whole over a year ago… and I know, it sounds weird, and it’s even harder to explain how “anxiety” and “email” can go together… but yeah, more emails, more visits, reaching out to friends – slowly, one at a time… I’m doing so much more than I was able to or wanted to do just a handful of months ago.

I don’t necessarily like admitting how messed up my brain can be, but what can I do? It’s me. 😐 So I think it’s fair to look at my slow but steady progress on these dumb, sometimes inexplicable anxiety issues and feel at least a bit better about it. I know I don’t function like a “normal” human, not by any stretch of the definition… and I know that my occasional communication drop-outs or disappearances by me are still frustrating and hard for friends and family to understand – but they pretty much “get me” now, at least as best as I can be “gotten” I suppose.

Hmm… this counts as posting something positive, right? πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ (Even though today is fucked. 😏)

Alright Then

Ended up staying up for most of the night last night, so after seven hours of sleep it was well into the afternoon before I woke up today. But at least I woke up feeling decent. I’m responsible for screwing up my sleep schedule this time, but I’m gonna try to fix it by going to bed early tonight to stop the bleeding before my days and nights are completely inverted.

Gonna start doing some work around here in a little bit, but I’m also gonna try to use today as a jump point for getting my shit together a little better again in general. Things aren’t bad, but I just need to find a flow again, and find some purpose again, to keep my mood pointed in the right direction. That’s why I sometimes like having a significant backlog of “to-do list” stuff that I can tackle at any given moment, because sometimes I need a handful of those smaller things that I can actually accomplish and then feel decent because I “did something” that day.

The only real plan plan that I’ve yet to make for this week is when I’m gonna go over and visit with Mom and Dad. I hate going when my mood is crap, because I feel like my “meh” about things and myself will be obvious and contagious, so I’m mentally gonna aim for Friday – with today and tomorrow going towards helping me feel a little more human. But I’m gonna hop off here and see how today goes… not gonna pin myself down with a bunch of “YOU MUST GET THIS DONE!” stuff, but yeah… heh

Better All Around

I don’t wanna celebrate too much, at risk of jinxing myself, but I actually got a decent amount of sleep last night… and woke up feeling good enough to head into town to grab a fresh change of clothes for Dad, for when he got released from the hospital to go home. 😎 As it turns out, when I got to his place, he was already there and settled back in. πŸ˜ƒ For him feeling like absolute crap only 48 hours earlier, I was surprised and pleased to see that he appeared to be back to his old self again already.

I hadn’t taken my morning pills before I went in, because I honestly thought I’d only be picking out some clothes, getting them ready, and then heading back home – so after visiting for a while I was really starting to feel my neck. 😣 Before I left my house I was also half-assed thinking about getting my hair cut… but meh… I figure it’s the weekend and I’d rather go home and medicate, and hopefully keep myself good for the rest of the day and into the weekend. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ

I’ll probably go back in a few days for another visit, plus I wanna grab him some pop and some kind of junk food goodies for Mom – so that way I’ll be “coming bearing gifts” when I check in on her. 😁 I don’t wanna get ahead of myself though, as that’s not the only plans that I’ve got for the next few days. First thing on my list is writing up a brief but complete recent medical history so I’ll have something to offer the doctor, whenever my appointment may end up being. πŸ‘¨πŸ»β€βš•οΈπŸ™‡πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ

Between what the MRI tech said, and now after experiencing some concerning chest pains a couple times over the past few weeks… I mean, I’m 99% sure it’s just anxiety related, but I’ve gotta just suck it up and “play grown-up” and start with the regular doctor visits. πŸ§˜πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ I’m no spring chicken anymore. It’s just been a while since I’ve been in for service, and you know how it goes… you go in for the oil change, and pretty soon they’re talking about air filters, rotating tires, transmission fluid, unexpected rust, blah blah blah… 😏

Not particularly looking forward to that shit, but like I told Genesee… I can deal with whatever aches, pains, or glitches that my body may have – but I’d just like some reassurances that all of it is relatively normal and that I’m not going to just drop dead here in my house on some random afternoon while doing basically nothing. 😯

Working The Kinks Out

It seems that, for a change, I did exactly what I needed to do to get myself feeling better from yesterday. 😳 Before I even started The Walking Dead last night I raised shields, cut off communications, and let things remain that way until half way through the day today. I only slept about 6 hours, but walking up to the sun rising, as well as to a phone that I had no intention of checking… it’s like the minimal stress of wondering what my phone will want from me is sometimes enough to tip me to the bad side, where whatever I’m trying to shake will remain. 😐 More of my weirdness, I suppose.

And it’s not like I’m in high demand or something… but it just helped everything about how I was feeling yesterday, to not be beholden to my phone or anyone wanting me for anything through it. (Make sentences bad, structure coming good tonight is not. πŸ˜…) And as they day progressed, even though I used the laptop to dick around on Twitter, I started feeling better. πŸ™‚ As I was watching Justice League I started straightening the living room. As I watched some news I went ahead and ran the vacuum. And then before I started some YouTube videos about scanner/radio frequencies, πŸ€“ I took all the baskets of dirty clothes down to the basement and started a couple loads. All of that before I even thought about looking at my phone. πŸ˜€

When I did, I was relieved to see that I only had a couple messages waiting for me, and nothing on my social media of any importance. The world went on just fine without me. SHIT. I do think I remember seeing a call notice though.

I guess I better check that now… πŸ˜…Β  Β ** pause while listening to voice mail **

Well I have absolutely no idea what the hell that was all about. Some fella left a message, and he knew my first name, saying that he was from Lowe’s installation and that he was calling about my “overnight cooktop” (I think) and wanted me to give him a call back to let him know if I’d be home. Heh… no idea. I guess I’ll find out tomorrow, but I can tell you right now the last thing I’m interested in is an overnight cooktop.

But anyway… all that’s left for me to do today is get these shirts onto hangers and up in the closet, and the towels onto the shelf into the bathroom and I’m golden. 😎 Just gonna take that for what it’s worth, and I’ll worry about tomorrow when tomorrow gets here. I’m just happy that I figured out what it took to get me through this day.