I’m The Right Wrong Person

Being a critter person is awesome, but man can it also be really rough at times. 😟 Maven’s fine… in fact, she’s hogging my recliner right now, zonked out and oblivious to the activities of my day. Unfortunately though, one of my friends has a cat that had a litter of kittens… and well, sometimes everything doesn’t go like you want it to, like youΒ thinkΒ it will, or how you know that it should. πŸ˜₯Β I hate even thinking about it, let alone typing it out and making it feel even more real, but the sad fact is that two of them didn’t make it.

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She lives in an apartment complex, so she doesn’t have anywhere that she could bury them (which she obviously wanted to do) so I guess I was the first person that popped into her mind, when it came to somewhere that the two little ones could rest peacefully and undisturbed. 😞 She’s devastated about it… just like I would be if I was in her shoes… so despite the miserable heat and already feeling run down – I got dressed, went ahead and picked them up, and brought them back here with me.

It’s the least I could do… I mean, there’s no way to make someone feel better when something like that happens… so helping make it a little easier for them and sharing in their pain, those are about the only things a person can do. πŸ₯Ί The older I get though, the less I’m able to absorb this kind of sadness. The curse of being a critter person… you can’t just turn it off and on, and with each critter that you lose (or experience losing with someone else) you end up feeling it that much more each time it happens. πŸ˜₯

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With the tone of this entry, I’m sure you’re looking at the pictures of the double rainbows and wondering what the hell they have to do with anything. 🧐 Well, that’s what I got to see during the last ten minutes of the ride back home. I know that they’re “just rainbows” but in that moment it made me smile, thinking that maybe Mom, God, and all of the other “critter people” were up there recognizing this sad moment, giving me something so brilliant and peaceful to literally follow home, where the little guys will be staying. 😊😒

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Gray & Bleh Again? Okay…

Yesterday didn’t go quite as planned. I did end up going out to help get Bri settled in for her first official night at her new apartment, but it was miserable, gray, and rainy all afternoon, my knee was still acting up, so when I got home I just took my night meds and went to bed early. Was hoping it would be nicer when I woke up today, but nope… shitty and gray, although my knee is slightly better again – probably in part to sleeping with a brace on it last night.

I’m trying my “just because the morning sucks, it doesn’t mean the whole day has to” trick, but that’s harder to do as you’re hobbling around the house, not really able to do anything. Maybe that’s my cue to just not do anything, eh? But yeah, gonna try to get my head back into a better place and get back on my typical schedule for bills, email, maybe making a couple calls that I’ve been putting off re: glasses / shrink… meh… wish me luck. Not trying to ignore anyone, I’m just so low on social oomph for some reason.

Yesterday wasn’t a complete waste though… it was still nice absorbing some positive juju from Bri, since she’s still super excited about having her own place now and getting things all set up the way she wants. Hell, I’ve never lived by myself until a handful of years ago here in this house… before that it was always a roommate, girlfriend, or wife… and with Bri coming from a family with three other siblings, now with several of their own kids between them, it’s gotta be quite a feeling to have a nice, quiet place where every decision she makes is for her and her kids only. Hopefully she doesn’t end up feeling too isolated out there.

Tired of This Shit

I’m not sure how this month’s appointment with the WC doctors is gonna go. πŸ˜• I think I’m actually seeing Dr Walter this time, when it was the new guy that I had the in-depth discussion with about the state of my treatment last month. Regardless, since the WC insurer is coming at me with the shenanigans again, the conversation will have to revolve around that rather than the stuff that I started bringing up last month.

I’ve got to be careful, because it almost feels like a “trap” that WC could use against me, but this month I have to start discussing possible alternatives for the meds that I’m taking right now. Because if they are somehow able to weasel out of paying for what I’m currently taking, the cost of two of those medications would simply be too much for me to continue taking them long term. πŸ™ That’s where the “trap” part comes in.

When I start discussing more affordable potential alternatives for the meds I’m currently taking, I want it to be clear with my doctors and in my records that I have no desire or intention to make any changes now… and that the research and discussion is really just to act as my parachute if I get pushed out of the plane. But I can see where my fear of being forced to pay for my own meds, which has made me research cheaper (but likely less effective) alternatives, means that I nowΒ know that there are cheaper alternatives, so they’ll probably think that they have the right to force me to change to them – despite my preference to keep taking the ones that I’ve been taking. 😏 Heh… I know, that sounds a bit convoluted, but it basically make sense, no?

But until I’m able to discuss this with them, I know that I’m just taking barely-educated shots in the dark when it comes to what might or might not be suitable replacements. 🎯😎 I mean, even though I know that Lyrica has very specific actions – at its most basic level I know that it is considered an anti-seizure / anti-convulsant medication… so that’s where I start looking. πŸ€“πŸ“š And now I have four or five medications that I think could be good replacements… but for all I know, even though they’re anti-seizure, they may have totally different actions – and ones that aren’t even close to being applicable to my situation. πŸ˜’

So for now that’s all I can really do… look for “close” meds and make sure there are more positive side effects than negative. Then I’ll just hope that I’m actually on to something, and that information can be put in my back pocket until it is needed. Between now and then I just have to figure out how to condense all of this crap down into a tolerable three to four minutes. πŸ˜³β±πŸ‘¨πŸ»β€βš•οΈ Gotta impress the importance of this on him, while also not rambling so much that my point gets lost in the noise. I’m better at that than you’d think, actually… it just doesn’t seem that way here because I know I can go on and on about something and it doesn’t matter, since hardly anyone reads this blog anyway. πŸ˜πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ

Anxious

I’m not sure how I feel about the weekend falling right before New Year’s Eve. 😟 I think it’s actually going to work out better for me this way, since I’ve already got a January’s worth of medical appointments on my mind, but I can’t even really go about changing my insurance information or anything like that until after the first of the year when the new plan kicks in. 🀨 So I’ll have at least a couple of days to start planning who I need to contact and when, and I might even get a couple days after that since some places might be closed on Monday and/or Tuesday. I’ve just got a lot of upcoming shit… I wanna hit the ground running.

I think I’m gonna have Cassi down for the night tomorrow. She can’t stay on New Year’s Eve since she has to be at work early early, but it would still be nice for her to stay – since not only has it been a little while since she has, but also because it might also be a little while until the next chance – depending on how my month goes and how I’m feeling during any given stretch. πŸ˜”

I’ve also decided that I’m going to let her take my Wii and games back up home with her to give to Junior. I can’t remember the last time that I sat down and played any of my games, let alone any of the games on that system that’s almost a decade old now. I could sell it I guess, but I’d hardly get anything for the lot of it… might as well brighten up a kid’s day a bit, eh? πŸ™‚ I’ll probably wait until she’s here to start finding all the bits and bagging it up… with the way I’ve moved stuff about since I last played, it’s hard to say what’s where.

But like I’ve described regarding my friends before… sometimes it’s just nice to have the company, because not only does it provide time to chill and (hopefully) clear the mind of “the now” for a while – something that’s always needed – but it also helps to encourage a little more productivity, since we’re both essentially able to pat each other on the back for our respective jobs well done. 😏

I’m certainly not looking forward to 2019, so a couple more days of “nothing” and some company to distract is probably exactly what I need. So I guess I do know how I’m feeling about it.

Checking In

Haven’t been able to shake this funk.Β πŸ˜• Started with that shitty low-iodine diet, then the self-imposed house arrest so I wouldn’t unintentionally expose anyone to radiation, and even now after the scan the other day I’m having a hard time bouncing back. And I was only hoping to bounce back to “meh” rather than “okay” or “good” since I know those two options are unavailable to my brain right now.Β πŸ˜”

It’s not even really about my own stuff… it’s just tough knowing that Mom has been having bad days recently, and knowing where things are eventually headed. 😟 It’s not even a conscious choice… but I have a hard time attempting a good mood when I know Mom’s going through things that certainly won’t allow her mood to be that great. And like I’ve mentioned, it’s not just her… my friend Christina just passed, another couple of friends are still fighting different types of cancer as well, dealing with my stuff, worrying about Mom and Dad… it’s just hard to break out of the “bleh” that I feel for all of those things, even though I know nobody would want me to be “bleh” on their behalf. 😏

But anyway… my scan… I think I may have mentioned that I really didn’t know the details before I went in, although all of my assumptions were correct. I don’t dare google anything about thyroid cancer, because I’m sure that I’d accidentally expose myself to horror stories that would make me stress more than I already am. 😳 But the imaging machine looked like an open MRI for the most part, although not only did it scan in that traditional method, but there were parts during the process where the entire thing would slowly rotate all around me as I was lying there. 😬

I didn’t have to get into a gown, and only needed to remove my keys, wallet, belt, ring, etc. The most difficult thing was lying flat on my back for an hour. 😣 Whether I’m sitting (usually on the floor) or sleeping (either flopping around or in one specific “good” position) I rarely maintain a posture where I’m completely straightened out and flat. Thankfully the machine made little noise, and nothing even close to the anxiety inducing buzzes and thunks of a damn MRI machine. So all-in-all it wasn’t as bad as it could have been.

But it sounds like the scan was just a scan, since all of the current treatment had been ongoing since the week prior – as the radioiodine 131 was flowing through me and into any stray, dying thyroid bits that remained after the surgery.Β πŸ€• The scan basically just documents any little glowing specks… at least I hope that specks are all that’s left… then in several months I’ll have to do it all over again, and the results then will be compared with the scan from the other day.Β πŸ™πŸ»

I do have another appointment scheduled with the endocrinologist in a little more than a month, where I’ll have to do all my bloodwork again so they can check all of the various levels that indicate how good of a job they’ve all done to this point.Β πŸ˜·πŸ’‰πŸ˜ It’s difficult knowing that there isn’t really an “Okay, we’re done. You’re good.” with this.Β πŸ˜” They’re not able to tell me that I’m cancer free, because even if the scans show zero specks, it’s just one of those things that a person has to live with, have regular tests for, and if specks are found again in the next scan… then the cycle will start all over again. 😟

I’d say that I get a break from worrying about all of this for a while, but I don’t know if there could be something in the recent scan that would make my doctors go “Ahh, shit…” and require me to come in for something else before my already scheduled followup.Β πŸ˜’ Next on the agenda, though, is my first full appointment with the new shrink on Monday.Β πŸ™„ I’ll certainly have a variety of things to tell her about, which make me the way that I am right now.

Behind The Mask

So it’s been a week since the surgery, and while the incision site seems to be healing well, I can’t say that I’m too impressed with how my body is acting. I’m anxious to talk to the doctor again about this, so I can find out exactly what’s going to be done to get me back closer to “right” again.

Each day I’ve tried to do this or that, to see how I feel… and I feel stuck at about ten minutes of activity before it starts to affect me. The energy just isn’t there, and I get overheated when trying to do pretty much anything. Again, like I’ve said before, I know that there will be adjustments to my medication that should hopefully help with this – but it’s just frustrating how I’ve kinda been “waiting out” this first week to see if things would just gradually get better, when it seems like they’re not going to.

I’m gonna take a shower today though, while keeping my neck out of the water, because these cat baths aren’t cutting it – and I haven’t washed my hair since last Wednesday, so I’m far overdue. I haven’t shaved either, since I’m nervous about getting the area around my stitches, so I’m looking rather homeless right now… and that doesn’t help to make me feel any better when I look in the mirror.

Meh… it’s just been a long week and I’m feeling pretty miserable.

Mulligan

Today was one of those unexpected / inexplicable “I feel miserable and I’m not even sure why.” days. 😟 The weather didn’t help, being gray, rainy, and miserable all friggin’ day. I dunno, it was more than that though, which makes it that much more frustrating that I’m unable to put a finger on it. πŸ˜’ Meh… it’ll pass, and thankfully these bleh moments usually don’t last longer than a day lately.

I did get a lot of my little projects worked on yesterday and this morning though, so I can feel good about that. πŸ™‚ But in doing so, I’ve sorta F’d up my living room – with my typical “three-quarter circle of paperwork” surrounding me as I work on the living room floor. 😏 Heh… I’ve got two different desks at which I could probably sit when I do my “office stuff” – but my brain still insists on sitting on the floor for whatever reason. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ Eventually my butt and back will likely have a talk with my brain, and things will probably change, but I bet that won’t happen for a long time.

I’ve been avoiding anything with substance for most of the day, so before I go to bed tonight I’ve yet to check my messages, voice mails, and email… but I should be able to get through those pretty quickly since I’ve been managing to somewhat keep up on them lately. πŸ€“ The cat appreciates that I haven’t moved much throughout the day as well… as she can sleep on the suitcase (still) where she can keep an eye on me, while also enabling her to wake up every hour or so to come over and get some pettins before going back to the suitcase and lying down again. 😺