Wow… almost three weeks since I’ve made a blog entry. 😯 It’s been a long day, and I’m kinda irritated about some other stuff right now, so I don’t think this would be the best time to sit here and try to think of something to write about. There’s just a lot of goofy shit going on right now… and if I’m gonna write about any of it I’m gonna have to be careful to not go into “rant” mode while trying to keep it lighthearted. I don’t think I’d be able to do that tonight. 😏 We’ll see about tomorrow… 🤷🏻♂️
I’m conflicted when it comes to using Twitter. At least in the way that I’m currently using it. (Staying updated on political happenings, often and “loudly” voicing my opinion.) When I started my account forever ago, I’m sure that I didn’t even have any idea what I wanted to use it for – but everyone was signing up for a Twitter account, so…
For a long time it was where I’d dump random thoughts or mention when I was doing this or that. Probably the same way a lot of people use Twitter. Posting stuff that may be “worthy of posting” to me, my family, my few friends… but nothing worth archiving, nothing that most of the world would give a shit about.
It was also nice that I was able to add a sidebar to my site where the tweets could be displayed, because that way I could still talk about things that might be of interest – but not so much that it warranted its own entry here. More like “thoughts on the fly” rather than sitting down here at the laptop and banging out a lengthy stream of thought.
Then I started following more and more news sites, government officials, political reporters, etc… and since I have strong feelings on that topic, eventually most of my posts turned into political ones. Whether in replies to someone else, or posts that I made on my own – it was no longer just a “whatever” type of frivolous place for random thoughts… well, it was… but those types of tweets would get buried under all the political ones.
I don’t know why so many of us are compelled to present our arguments, to attempt to change people’s minds or make them see something that they aren’t seeing… because that’s not how Twitter works. That’s not how people work. Tweeting in that way is about as effective as tweeting at a stray dog that wanders up to your front porch, but we find ourselves doing it anyway. Someone like me, who enjoys debate – when both parties are willing to have some give and take, there’s just not much we can actually get from Twitter.
But anyway, since it has become an exercise in frustration, I’ve decided that I’m gonna drop that method of Twitter use. I’ve actually created a second account, one where I can start from scratch, that will soon be the account that you see displayed in the sidebar here on the site. I couldn’t just wipe my original Twitter account and just “pretend” that it was new, because due to my political tweeting I have gained a surprising amount of followers.. Followers who care about my political postings, not the tweets where I’m bitching about my shoulder hurting or that the cat is snoring too loudly. So I basically had to start the new account since you can’t “kick people out” as followers.
The new handle is @RamblingToe, which seems appropriate. The changeover should happen soon.
You may or may not have noticed, but over the past many weeks – especially in the time right before and after my scan – I’ve been posting a lot more entries to the blog than usual. Even if not in quantity, I’ve definitely been rambling more than I typically do. Now that I’m most of the way past that phase, I’m probably gonna end up slowing a little with my postings – not necessarily on purpose, but because as things start to feel like they’re returning to normal I have a feeling I just won’t feel like I need to post quite as much.
There’s no way to explain to someone who hasn’t gone through it, how it feels to sit with an unspecified amount of cancer in your body, jumping through all of the hoops for the tests, which includes gradually wearing down your energy levels to nothing, and then just sitting there, not knowing, waiting, worrying, hoping, etc. 😟 There isn’t an emotion that you don’t experience, ranging from hoping that it’s completely gone – to hoping that if it isn’t gone, that you at least get an expiration date… just to finally get rid of the uncertainty more than anything else. 😞 I suppose I can only speak for myself, but I don’t see how anyone wouldn’t feel most of the things / ways that I’ve felt. 🤷🏻♂️
But my way of dealing with all of that (or distracting myself from all of that) was by posting here. Didn’t necessarily want to talk to anyone about it in person, or in any detail or whatever… but also couldn’t just sit here and stay all bottled up about it. So whether my posts had something to do with my medical stuff or not, it’s been a big reason why I’ve been so active lately. Now, I’m not saying that I’m gonna stop blogging… I mean, rambling is sort of my thing, it’s more that I just wanted to come here and finally explain.
Of course it doesn’t help when in the middle of all that, I get new “neck stuff” (unrelated to cancer) to eventually be concerned about. 😒 It’s hard to stay positive and try to get back to normal when just as you’re finishing up with one thing, something else fairly big comes along right on the tail of the last thing. And that’s what a lot of my postings have been, whether they seem like it or not… trying to find the silver linings, trying to reassure or even convince myself that I have the ability to take the good for what it is, and work around whatever negatives are left after that. (Bleh… that sounds cheezy.)
I’m still not back to normal, but I’m definitely getting there. I found out, thanks to the festival, that even though my energy levels are a whole lot better – there’s still a wall there to be hit, and I still don’t get a sign when I’m approaching it. I’m assuming that’ll just continue to get better though, because it has so far. I’ve barely been doing anything with friends yet, and still haven’t been on Facebook for over a month now… so I’ve still got a few of those types of hurdles to get over, but it’ll all come in time. 🙂 I’m not setting goals or time-frames or anything like that… just trying to always make sure that I keep moving forward with all of it. And as for the stuff that I’ll have to face in the future, whether it is spine related or cancer related (or something as of yet unforeseen), I can’t let it chew up all my thoughts and actions between now and whenever that will be.
So whether it helps me because I’m just getting stuff out, or because it also helps to reinforce the positive thoughts… whatever it is, it’s just what I’ve needed to do during this more-uncertain time in my life. 🤷🏻♂️ But as I continue to get better, it should require less energy (or rambling about it) in order to keep the progress going. I made it up and over the most recent hill, so now I can hopefully start to coast a little more if that’s what I decide to do.
Meh… I could obviously continue with more on this topic, but this basically explains what I wanted to be explained. We’re all works in progress, and I’m no different. And if it’s not one of the issues that I’m currently focused on, there’s always gonna be something else that tries to damage my calm and toss some grenades in my life’s direction. 😟 I’m just hoping that I can take the things that I’ve learned from dealing with the current situations and apply them to those other things when needed. 🙂 Maybe get a little better with the “ups and downs” since we all seem to come with an endless supply.
While Genesee was here we were of course talking about all sorts of memories, and we even watched some old home videos that I’ve got uploaded to YouTube in an “unlisted” area. As we watched some of the Atlantic City videos we got to talking about the story behind how I found and got her a key from The Continental motel for Christmas last year, which just so happened to be a key to a room that we actually stayed in – with video proof, as I walked up to and recorded the number on the door (like the nerd that I am) with the camcorder. 😏 It really was amazing…
That then immediately made me remember how I made an awesome, lengthy blog post about it… but then due to certain people reading my blog and giving me shit about the choices I was making in my life – I ended up deleting the entire blog without archiving it. 😔 So unless I find some internet archiving site that managed to capture it, that post (and all the others from that short era) is gone forever. And if you know me, you know that’s not like me at all – just impulsively wiping out a significant chunk of my own history. 😠
That’s what happens though when you’ve got someone who’s words meant everything to you, suddenly and repeatedly getting really fucking shitty about things. 😒 Rather than leaving my words up here to be picked apart and used against me, I just instinctively made them go away – theorizing that without a detailed view into my life, there’d be less for anyone to be shitty about. 🙇🏻♂️🤷🏻♂️ Meh… I still deal with internal mental fallout from that (and other things) every single day. 🤦🏻♂️ In fact, it’s usually the first thing on my mind when I wake up and the last thing I think about before falling asleep. Good times.
But anyway… speaking of memories… another fun thing to come from going through the old photos was discovering a stack that focused on school parties, birthdays, and holidays with friends when I was little. And thanks to Facebook, I’m still linked to a lot of the friends that were also in those photos – so it was a good time when I scanned and posted a bunch of them. 🙂 My god… the outfits and haircuts are so embarrassing, but everyone was excited to see them and laugh.
That’s one thing that I’m glad of, and one thing that a lot of friends are jealous about… how Mom and Dad documented and saved so, so much stuff from when I was little. 😊 Tons of photos, stacks of old school papers, favorite books, favorite stuffed animals, baby books filled out with all sorts of details about me… it’s just an amazing amount of stuff from my birth onward that I’ve got here – stuff that a lot of people’s parents never bothered doing/saving. I’m lucky to have it all.
Might as well bang out a quick blog entry since I can’t sleep. (It’s going on 5am now… yay) Yesterday was productive. Went to Logan again to check on some banking stuff, stopped by my attorney’s office to drop off more paperwork, and then I was finally able to close the account associated with the estate. All debts have been paid, checks for the final disbursement have cleared, and that’s about all she wrote.
All that’s left now is for Steve to gather the final receipts and a couple other things, then he can go ahead and handle the closing hearing for me here in a few weeks. Please please please I hope nothing goes wrong between now and then. 🙏 Heh… y’all have no idea how happy I am that this is finally wrapping up. Well, maybe you do… but yeah, it’s been a long time comin’.
That’s the important stuff from yesterday anyway. I might try to make another entry later today when I wake up… gonna try to start keeping the blog a little more balanced if I can. Serious stuff here, frivolous stuff there. Depressing stuff one day, as-happy-as-I-can-muster stuff the next. That sorta thing. Meh… it always sounds good in theory, but in all honesty my writing takes on a life of its own – and whatever comes out of me comes out of me. 🤷♂️
Okay, we’re approaching 24hrs awake, so I’m crossing my fingers and hitting the sack.
This is kind of what I do. I do the blog, and then I don’t. And then I do again. It’s been this way since I started doing this… before the word “blog” was even a thing, yet I was still putting my thoughts out here for anyone that happened to stumble across them. I’m coming off of what was probably the longest hiatus that I’ve taken, but I think I’m good to go again. I give significantly less shits about how people feel about me and their opinions about how I spend my time, so that helps.
The new site design… meh… I dunno, right now it’ll do I guess. I customized one of the templates a bit, but honestly it was more about just “getting a place ready” for me to start barfing thoughts. So you might still see tweaks now and then during the next couple of weeks, but that depends on how motivated I get. (My motivation levels are low all-around, so honestly just getting this site up and running as-is feels like an accomplishment at the moment.)
But as it has always been, it’s going to be a crap-shoot when it comes to what you’ll find when you come here. It’ll probably be average, every-day “this is what I’ve been up to” type posts for the most part, but I’m hoping to throw in some opinion pieces more often as well. Lord knows I’ve become good at ranting about things on Twitter, so it makes sense that I’d probably bring some of that over here where I can actually expand on it beyond the 140 character chunks that are imposed over there.
That’s all for now… just wanted to dip my toe in.
EDIT: I’ve adjusted the options contained within the right sidebar. When you type “rubbertoe.com” and come to the main/landing page, every one of the options will be displayed on the right hand side. Links, search, about, archive, tags, translation, and tweets. However, if you click on the title of a specific entry, or otherwise end up at an individual post’s page, all of those options except for the links and the translate option will be hidden. Also, on a post’s individual page, I’ve added a link at the top of the right sidebar that will return visitors to the main page. This is mainly for folks that end up at a post’s page through a search engine or something, and can’t just click “back” to return to wherever they were in my site.