Mixed Emotions

While Genesee was here we were of course talking about all sorts of memories, and we even watched some old home videos that I’ve got uploaded to YouTube in an “unlisted” area. As we watched some of the Atlantic City videos we got to talking about the story behind how I found and got her a key from The Continental motel for Christmas last year, which just so happened to be a key to a room that we actually stayed in – with video proof, as I walked up to and recorded the number on the door (like the nerd that I am) with the camcorder. ๐Ÿ˜ It really was amazing…

That then immediately made me remember how I made an awesome, lengthy blog post about it… but then due to certain people reading my blog and giving me shit about the choices I was making in my life – I ended up deleting the entire blog without archiving it. ๐Ÿ˜” So unless I find some internet archiving site that managed to capture it, that post (and all the others from that short era) is gone forever. And if you know me, you know that’s not like me at all – just impulsively wiping out a significant chunk of my own history. ๐Ÿ˜ 

That’s what happens though when you’ve got someone who’s words meant everything to you, suddenly and repeatedly getting really fucking shitty about things. ๐Ÿ˜’ Rather than leaving my words up here to be picked apart and used against me, I just instinctively made them go away – theorizing that without a detailed view into my life, there’d be less for anyone to be shitty about. ๐Ÿ™‡๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ Meh… I still deal with internal mental fallout from that (and other things) every single day. ๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ In fact, it’s usually the first thing on my mind when I wake up and the last thing I think about before falling asleep. Good times.

But anyway… speaking of memories… another fun thing to come from going through the old photos was discovering a stack that focused on school parties, birthdays, and holidays with friends when I was little. And thanks to Facebook, I’m still linked to a lot of the friends that were also in those photos – so it was a good time when I scanned and posted a bunch of them. ๐Ÿ™‚ My god… the outfits and haircuts are so embarrassing, but everyone was excited to see them and laugh.

That’s one thing that I’m glad of, and one thing that a lot of friends are jealous about… how Mom and Dad documented and saved so, so much stuff from when I was little. ๐Ÿ˜Š Tons of photos, stacks of old school papers, favorite books, favorite stuffed animals, baby books filled out with all sorts of details about me… it’s just an amazing amount of stuff from my birth onward that I’ve got here – stuff that a lot of people’s parents never bothered doing/saving. I’m lucky to have it all.

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This Is Not Where I Belong

I guess my cousin Shannon and her hubby are hosting an extended family reunion out at their place this afternoon. She’s texted me about it a couple times in the past few days, as has Toni, but I’m afraid I that have to disappoint yet again by letting them know that I won’t be going. ๐Ÿ˜ž Being depressed enough as it is, going out there and seeing everyone that I haven’t seen in forever would unfortunately and unintentionally just make it worse.

Think about it. Every interaction that I’d get involved in, it would likely start with “Hey, how have you been?” “What have you been up to?” “How’s your mom and dad doin?” or some other friendly inquiry to which I don’t have a positive answer. ๐Ÿ˜Ÿ And I lack the ability at the moment to just “fake it” and reply with a convincingย “Pretty good, how ’bout you?” “Ahh, not much. Not much.”ย or “You know how it is, about as good as can be expected.”

I can just see a situation where if I wasn’t careful, I could end up being an absolute buzzkill to the get-together by blurting out detailed truthful answers –ย and that’s no good for anyone. ย (Plus, when people ask how you’ve been, they usually don’t really wanna know how you’ve actually been.)ย So the best choice is to send my apologies, thank her for inviting me anyway, and just stay away so they can have their happy gathering.

Brrr… Bleh

Not feeling great today. My neck is fine, just feeling kinda woozy and bleh… for now I’m gonna blame the Whopper and fries that I had late last night. ๐Ÿคข I don’t have the furnace on yet, so I woke up to a chilly house – and then when I went in the living room and turned on the space heater, it made some sputtering and popping noises before the fans began to deliver cold air. ๐Ÿ˜’ I can’t complain though, because I got this thing cheap at the HFH Re-Store years ago, and I’ve gotten more than my money’s worth out of her.

I hopped on Amazon and found an oscillating ceramic heater for a decent price, so I should have that in a couple of days. I dunno, I’m one of those weird folks that would rather have a cold house and then heat only the area that I’m occupying, so even though it’s a new expense – it still helps me keep overall heating costs down, or at least that’s the story I’m going with. (Always needing to justify anything I buy for myself.)

Still debating how I’m going to spend the bulk of my day. I’d like to get a little bit more stuff done that I’ve been working on, but that’s gonna be based on how I end up feeling now. I was considering doing some work outside… I mean, my yard guys take care of the weed whacking and mowing, but there’s all kinds of other stuff that needs trimmed or tended to. That’s definitely going to wait now. I’m sure the neighbors are at the point though where they glance over and grimace ๐Ÿ˜‘ so I do wanna get on that soon.

The Other Times

Last weekend’s little break was fun, but the rest of this past week was rough. It’s something that’s already factored in when I make “fun” plans, but I still never know exactly how long my physical/mental regeneration will take afterwards. It doesn’t help when I’m coming home to stuff that I don’t really wanna deal with, including some tedious BS from the IRS regarding my aunt’s estate. It’s killin’ me… I’m this close to getting this thing closed and settled out, but dumb shit like this keeps popping up. It’s not even because anyone has done anything wrong, just lots of checks and verifications and such.

The sludge that I’m walking through just feels noticeably thicker this week, but I think I’m finally breaking free of it. (Just in time for another fun thing with friends, as a matter of fact.) It does start to get old though. Having “the fun times” and then “the other times.” Meh… I’m not gonna whine about it, at least not today, because I’m just doing what I’ve always tried to do – figure out why I’m broken in certain ways, and then figure out ways around it.

I’ve still not found a way to prevent myself from getting worked up by the people that judge me, or think that they know me based on the glimpses they get into my life via social media. (Which is why I think of the blog as a good-yet-bad thing sometimes.)ย Nobody should have to feel like they have to justify when they are happy or having fun. Everyone that knows me is well aware of my disability, as well as my twitchiness, but any time I break free of those things and let myself live – I always catch hints of raised eyebrows or mumbled comments, as if I’ve somehow undermined the legitimacy of how I feel most of the other times. (Of course I’m going to share way more of the good/happy things than I am of the bad/sad things, you shit-leaking assholes.)

That’s why I’ve really been keeping to myself for the past couple of months, other than spending time with a select few people who don’t manage to make me feel shitty. I haven’t been posting nearly as much on Facebook… about the bad or the good things… and honesty it has helped. I love sharing things with people, I love getting reactions to photos or videos – but for whatever reason, even though 95% of the reactions are usually positive, the couple of percent that seem to judge or question me based on what I’ve shared… it affects me more than it should, and more than you’d think.

But yeah, I made one “good” post so I wanted to make one “reality” post as well, so at least with the fresh start that this blog has taken, people will still (hopefully) understand that despite the good moments, I still definitely have a shit-ton of not-good moments that tip the scales in that direction more often than not. And I don’t say this just for me, but for everyone that you interact with throughout your days… be kind, don’t judge… you don’t really know what it’s like inside someone else’s head.