Learn To Relax

I know it’s only Thursday, but I think I’m gonna mentally start my weekend now. Had all kinds of horrible nightmares last night, even though I can’t tell you a damn thing regarding what they were about. 😟 I just know that multiple times throughout the night I’d wake up in a sweat from whatever I was dreaming about… I dunno, maybe bits will come back to me throughout the day as dreams sometimes do. Just takes hearing the right word or seeing the right image on TV and stuff can start coming back into view.

So, not much sleep, headache when I finally woke up for good… although at least it’s a normal headache and doesn’t seem related to my neck, so hopefully some Aleve will be able to help with that. I think it’s just the stuff that has been occupying my thoughts for the first part of the week kinda building up… worrying about my friend’s surgery, thinking about and helping out another friend who has a custody hearing today… and then despite doing pretty good at keeping my WC stuff out of my thoughts, struggling while shopping yesterday agitated my frustration – by barely being able to handle a few relatively small bags of dirt and gravel – I think my brain just got a little full, and last night’s dreams may have been a product of that. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ

Regardless, I’m gonna take it easy today, stay relatively disconnected from the digital world, and probably do a little work around the house. Lawn guys were here yesterday, bills and paperwork have been handled, no appointments to worry about, no calls to make or people to see… so I can just chill here in my bubble and not worry about any of the stuff that might stress me out. 😌 I mean, I’m definitely interested in politics and all of the “goings on” when it comes to all that, but I’m even gonna try to avoid that today… and today sounds like it could be pretty “big” when it comes to potential news. (I’m sure I’ll catch Maddow later, though… I just like the long-form way that she sums up the day’s biggest stories.)

But yeah, just figured I’d go ahead and get some “me time” before the weekend gets here. It’s funny, even though I don’t have a traditional Monday-thru-Friday type schedule since I don’t work anymore, I still feel like I have to justify it to myself if I wanna take a “day off” during the week. πŸ™„πŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ Hell, even at that, I’m still gonna do some laundry, put away the groceries from yesterday, other light misc chores… and I’ve gotta learn to give myself credit, even for small crap like that, when I’m not feeling great. So, yeah, I’ll probably be a little slower at reading and responding to any messages today… it’s not you, it’s me. 😏

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Checking Off Boxes

Typical “workers comp, beginning of the month, get my scripts filled” day today. Three different calls to the pharmacy, issues with my information in the computer, problems with certain ones not being approved… same bullshit as usual, except due to the incorrect information in their system I even had to stop in myself, with receipts and printouts and crap from last month. The folks that work there are great. It’s never the people there that I have a problem with… and after my visit we think everything is now updated, correct, and in process of being authorized – so maybe sometime today I’ll actually be able to pick them up.

I had to be out today anyway, so stopping in to get all this stuff sorted out wasn’t a big deal. I mean, I actually feel kinda bad for them – with how much of a pain in the ass “my case” is for them each month. It makes me wonder if any pharmacies have ever decided that certain customers’ situations were just too much work, too many calls, and too big of a PITA – and just told them to take their business elsewhere. ‘Cuz I can see how they could feel that way about me, if they weren’t such understanding and helpful folks.

But at my other stops, along with having several vials of blood drawn, we’ve started getting a lot more things set in stone. I’ve now got dates (if not exact times, yet) for the next blood draw, the administration of the radiation dose, how long I’ll need to stay away from people (which included rearranging another unrelated doctor appointment), when the full scan at FMC will be, and then the followup with my main thyroid doctor after all of the results are back and interpreted.

It’s surreal… how this is such a “big deal mind fuck” thing for me as I’m going through it, yet I’m just one of many. There are enough people needing this kind of treatment that once a week, every week, it’s radioactive “dosing day” for thyroid patients at FMC. But for whatever reason, even as you’re out in town, seeing other people doing whatever… it’s easy to feel like you’re the only person going through this shit, while actually we probably pass by people each day who are going through the same thing or worse. Working in nuclear medicine, giving the doses… I can see how that job could start feeling pretty heavy after a short while.

Hands Off The Controls: Autopilot Has Been Engaged

I didn’t get to sleep until almost 6am this morning, and I had posted a somewhat moody blog entry about an hour before that… but I went ahead and deleted it when I woke up, deciding that I should wait until I had a little more sleep, time, and information under my belt before commenting on the stuff I was commenting on.

It was just really bad timing last night… first, forgetting to drag the trash buggy out to the road, so I ended up doing that around 3:00am. And of course since I was out there, I grabbed whatever was in the mailbox from the past couple of days. And the letter on top had to be from my WC attorneys, letting me know that my mandatory “independent” WC exam has been rescheduled. That was the appointment where I got up at dawn to drive to the NW side of Columbus, with my bum knee at the time, and they cancelled on me about five minutes away from their office. 🀨 Yeah, so that’s now rescheduled near the end of the July.

It had actually slipped my mind, since my brain has been in a state of constant anxiousness regarding my lengthy but (hopefully) finalΒ thyroid cancer treatment beginning. So with that and other other crappy stuff on my mind, having had to deal with the kitten situation yesterday, and then just not being able to sleep because of all of it – seeing that envelope pushed me past sad, mad, frustrated, nervous, or whatever… eventually to just numb. 😐 It’s happened before… I’ve simply “felt” to the point of no longer being able to feel. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈπŸ˜• And I don’t know… with the way I’ve been, numb is probably better.

I’ll let my attorneys know that the appointment is just days before I’m due to begin the radiation part of my treatment, so we’ll see if WC still demands that I show up – or if they’ll decide to wait until it’s over and I’m at what they’d consider my “normal” physical self. The latter would give a more accurate representation of how my disability and meds affect me, but who knows what they really want.

The last handful of entries should give you a good idea of where I’m at and where things are heading. I don’t know how much time I’m going to be spending online in the near future, and there’s a good chance that I’m going to be even more difficult to reach than usual. I apologize that I’m probably going to come off as more inconsiderate than typical… but I can’t really do anything for anyone, I can’t see how my presence right now could possibly be a good thing… so I might end up in my bubble for a while. 😐 If anything significant happens though, good or bad, I’ll make sure I at least make a small post – just to keep the people who still care in the loop. Try not to worry about me though. Whatever happens next is all out of our hands.

A Couple Days Off

It’s not that I took a couple days off, but more that I took care of stuff that needed taken care of – and sorta dropped off the map when it came to answering messages or keeping in touch with anyone those days. πŸ˜• I just didn’t get much sleep before the early morning when the AC guys got here, and they spent all morning and a bit of the afternoon in and out of the house, making noise, getting shit done… and I’m not complaining, because they did a quick and awesome job, but it just threw my brain off for the day which triggered an unintentional nap and then 12 hours of sleep that night. 😳 Not complaining about that either.

The following day was reserved for doctor appointments, and a possible haircut… which didn’t end up happening… my knee was feeling more fucked than the day before, and the day before that, so just driving across town to Riverview was enough to put and keep a scowl on my face from the pain. 😣 Like the day before, I hit the bedroom (and night time meds) early, and sacked out just after the sun went down. Didn’t evenΒ think about checking messages, calls, or e-mails… just felt shitty and wanted the day to end. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ

Today seems like it could be slightly better. No appointments today or tomorrow, my knee actually feels a little bit better… which is always comforting, thinking that whatever it is may “heal” itself without any extra action by me or a doctor or surgeon, but like I said – it’s only slightly better, so I’m not holding my breath. πŸ˜’ But I did make a trip into town to pick up the meds from yesterday’s appointments, and it wasn’t too bad. I think it helped that the sun was out at the time, earlier this morning, even though it looks like the gloomy is starting to roll in along with the afternoon.

My mood hasn’t quite improved enough for me to start tackling all of the message notifications, but I’m hoping by later this afternoon or evening I’ll have shaken this mood and will get to all of the things that need my attention. Bri might be spending her first full night in her apartment tonight, so it’s possible that I’ll try to stop over there and drop off a few of the Amazon boxes of housewarming gifts that Gen had shipped here, for me to give to her. 😏 I dunno… playing this day by ear, still not exactly sure how it’s all gonna go.

Inescapable Appreciated Visitors

Feeling a little anxious about tomorrow, having the AC service guys here for the better part of the morning and afternoon. πŸ˜• Gonna have to do a little more prep tonight, including plans for keeping Maven comfortably in the bedroom and out of the way… there’s just gonna be a lot of noise, people coming and going, and possibly “unexpected this or that” to deal with. I’m just gonna be glad when it’s over, ‘cuz right now I’m really just not looking forward to tomorrow. I suppose I should think of Tuesday as just another “mostly” day off – where I don’t have to do a heck of a lot, other than just being here if and when I’m needed.

Ready For The Weekend Again

I’m hoping to do a whole lot of nothin‘ on Saturday. πŸ₯΄ It’s not that I’ve personally been busting much ass, but there’s just been various stuff going on, stuff I’ve been trying to help with, or at least stuff IΒ helped to get help with… heh… and I know that doesn’t make immediate sense. 😏 But yeah, after signing her lease on Wednesday (I think?) Bri was determined to get most of her stuff moved into her new apartment on Thursday – so it was just a matter of getting this person or that person, at various points during the day, with the proper muscles and vehicles for the task, to not only move all of her stuff from Chelsea’s, but to also grab the furniture from here that I had donated to the cause. 😧 Then I was able to follow in my car with all the smaller stuffs.

By the end of the day almost everything had been moved, minus the mattresses which are on hold at a friend’s house until the landlord can inspect them before she moves them in. But you know how it is when you move without any guaranteed labor, guaranteed vehicles, or guaranteed weather… heh… so even just helping with the planning and “figuring out” can make a person tired after a while. I’m glad that all of the things that she’s been dealing with have really been positives, because that’s kept her mood, motivation, and energy always headed in the right direction.

Then, as planned, today she had to be up at Grant for a surgery that had been on hold until she was no longer pregnant. 😬 I had to be up in Columbus a little later in the afternoon as well, so I just left early and took her with me and got her checked in. That way Chelsea didn’t have to sit at the hospital with a newborn Bryson (and possibly her own kids) for several hours, waiting for Bri’s surgery to get done – and instead was just able to go up once the nurse called to let her know the procedure was done and that Bri was in recovery and would soon be able to go back home. πŸ™‚ So despite feeling a little shitty about just leaving her there at the hospital, at least I was able to help out in that way as I moved on to the other stuff I had to do. (But she’s not kiddin’ when she remarks about how many “big moments” in her life that I’ve been involved with in one way or another. 😊 )

Then I spent a good part of the rest of the day with Cassi. πŸ™‚ She’s been working a lot, so she hasn’t been able to come down here much – nor have I been up there to really just visit either. But today was all about multi-tasking, so we went out for a bit, hit a couple thrift stores, then chilled as the sketchy evening clouds threatened to pour down on the city. 😯 It actually did get bad at times, but it was really hit or miss, and luckily it was mostly “miss” wherever I happened to be at any given moment. Columbus drivers do seem to instantly lose about 40 IQ points whenever it rains though… cripes… πŸ™„πŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ

So yeah, it’s been an off-and-on busy week, including a couple-hour visit with Dad the other day that I might have forgotten to mention, along with all the other stuff that I have mentioned, and plenty that I’veΒ neglected to- topped off with today’s 10am to 10pm “out and about” schedule… so yeah, as much as I’ve been happy to do all the stuff I’ve done this week, I’m sure looking forward to a day of nothing tomorrow. 😁

Absorbing Someone’s Happy

Had to get up early, but for good reason. πŸ™‚ I took Bri to sign the lease for her new apartment and do the walk through with her. It’s an amazing little apartment. I’m literally jealous of the nice carpet, huge windows, tiny modern kitchen… she’s on cloud nine, and I can’t help but absorb a bunch of her “happy” as we went throughout the process. It’s crazy how many of her “big events” I’ve been a part of in one way or another. 😏

We’re hoping that Ryan can come out here with the big van tomorrow to pick up the bed, a couple little tables and stands, a lamp, etc… just that extra stuff that not only was she happy to get, but I was happy to get rid of. But if Ryan and Bub come tomorrow, we should be able to get it all moved in over there in the one day… just in time for Bri’s next surgery on her foot. 😟

That girl has been, and is stillΒ going through so much shit… but she’s facing it head on and is so far winning. 😊 Birthed a baby a week ago, got an apartment today, getting surgery on her foot two days from now… and she’s less twitchy about all of it than I would be on my very best day. πŸ™„πŸ˜πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ So proud to see how far she’s come and how much she’s taking care of without even flinching.