Okay, But You Gotta Go Now

Now that Cassi lives farther away from me, we’re probably not going to be hanging out as much. 😐 I mean, we didn’t see each other a whole hell of a lot in the first place, but having that extra distance between us now will change how we do things a bit. Like, I just took her back home yesterday after having her stay for a couple nights… sort of glomming what would have been “a few little visits” together into one big visit, something we’ll probably do once or twice a month at the most. πŸ€” Especially when the weather is cold and shitty.

But it’s nice – a mini-vacation for her, and essentially the same for me… since while she’s here it lets all of the other stuff that I’d normally be thinking about stay buried in the back of my brain, un-accessed during the time that I’ve got company. ☺ But getting her back home yesterday was necessary due to the winter storm that was due to blow in. 😯 And boy did it. We got nearly a half-foot of snow overnight in some areas around here.

I’m already stocked up on supplies, so I don’t have any real reason to leave the house for the next several days – but there’s still a bit of twitchiness that comes when I look out the front window and can’t see even a hint of a driveway. 😬 I don’t wanna go anywhere, but I want to be able to if I want to. πŸ˜… Like I was telling Amy a bit ago, if some shmuck comes to my door today, offering plow service, I’d probably take him or her up on it. β˜ƒ I think the result would be better than my “put it in reverse, gun it, and hope for the best” method of backing out of the driveway would be.

 

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‘Twas The Night…

A little bit of down time here on the evening before Christmas, so I figured I’d go ahead and throw up a blog entry. I’ve currently got “Twas the Night Before Christmas” playing via YouTube on the TV (Frosty is next) and Cassi is napping in the recliner next to me. πŸ˜‹ Surprisingly I don’t have that one on DVD, so I’m stuck with the slightly sped-up, angle skewed version here… but it’s one of my “must play” shows, so I’ll take what I can get with only a few hours left until Christmas.

Having company wasn’t in the original plan, but it’s nice to have her here. While I’ve been able to help out with their move and then run back home away from the stress, she’s basically been stuck in it… so Athena decided to spend time with her boyfriend, Leona went to stay with her mom, and I went to pick up Cassi so she could spend time with me and vice versa. πŸ™‚ I’m hoping the current nap status isn’t a reflection on me, but rather just relief of getting away from the chaos for a while.

It’s nice to have someone in my bubble for today and tomorrow, because like the past several years – I’ve just been struggling to grab hold of any Christmas spirit. I don’t feel awful or even bad… I just miss how I used to feel, but I suppose the older everyone gets the harder it is to hang on to the feeling we had as kids. πŸ€” In fact, I’m probably lucky to have held onto it as long as I did – probably longer than most, because I think my Christmas experiences as a kid were better than most. πŸ˜€ Yes, I’m probably biased, but they really did it right when I was little. πŸŽ„πŸ‘¨β€πŸ‘©β€πŸ‘¦

It’s been difficult this year to listen to our traditional family holiday music. I still haven’t figured out how to not let it make me sad… sad that things are so dramatically different than when I was a kid… but the way it goes is a) listen to old carols, b) feel good for a few seconds, remembering, then c) feeling shitty because this isn’t how everything was supposed to end up. Yes, everyone in the family is getting older, and getting older brings various forms and levels of suck – and it’s something that should be expected and therefore able to be prepared for, but yeah… that’s not how it goes for me. 😟

It’s okay though… like I said, I’m not miserable… I’ve got surprise company that I’m glad to have with me, and Genesee made sure that Santa didn’t forget me and Maven when it comes to having some little surprises on Christmas morning. Things could be a whole lot worse, and I have to remember that. 😌 I don’t wanna seem ungrateful for what I’ve got, but it’s hard not to feel selfish when I think about the things I wish were better/different. But at least I’ve got lots of “good” to be sitting here missing, eh?

Merry Christmas everyone… make the best of it.

Humdrum

I took a couple of nights to myself after Genesee left the other day, and then apparently after subconsciously getting used to having someone here at the house – I decided to reach out to Cassi to see if she wanted to come stay for a night. (It actually ended up being two nights.) It had been a while since she had even been down here for a visit, let alone an overnighter, so she was more than happy to come on down.

The first day and night were just lazy. 😏 Catching up with each other’s stuff, watching Netflix, and then her current passion/hobby is doing nails – so she brought all of her nail shit along with her to practice doing styles and designs as we sat there doing nothing. πŸ’πŸ»β€β™€οΈπŸ–πŸ»πŸ€šπŸ» She even convinced me to give it a try myself, so I obliged and did the best that I could with my artwork. πŸ™„πŸ˜… (Shut up… I ain’t even embarrassed, but man was it tedious… lol) My “designs” even gave her some inspiration to work off of, so yay me. πŸ˜‹

Like Genesee, Cassi is one of very few people that I can tolerate (and actually like having around) for extended periods of time, for whatever reason. Day two featured a quick run into town to get some pop and dinner, and we also stopped off at the thrift to grab a bag of clothes during their $5.00 sale. 😎 Day three, on the way to take Cassi back home, we had a short detour to go pick up Desiree and take her to the auto parts place. Someone put new brakes on her car but forgot a couple of bolts, so her car took a shit earlier that morning, requiring her to make a run for pieces parts. πŸ˜§πŸ˜• (I talked to her today though, and she said that it’s all better.)

Even after hitting a couple more thrift stores in Columbus, I really didn’t come home with much of anything. A few shirts, some batteries, umm… πŸ€” see… I can’t even remember if I got anything else, so it was obviously an unimpressive trip in that regard. I did get the new Samantha Fox autobiography, Forever, in the mail today when I woke up though, so I guess that’s my goody of the moment. (And proof that I eventuallyΒ intend to make myself an effing book reader. πŸ˜„)

So there ya have it. Basically a whole lot of nothin’ going on, but over the course of a few days there was just enough piddly shit that it seemed worthy of a blog entry. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ

Bed and Breakfast

Over the past few days I’ve had 24/7 company here at the house. 😯 Genesee’s friend Tracie flew out to NJ for an extended visit with her, and then Gen provided the return trip home, depositing Tracie at her house and then starting her little break here in Ohio. I’m not sure it was really a break, now that I think about it, because she had plenty of people to see and lots of things to do. But yeah, for a few days I had her and Nesh here. πŸ˜πŸΊπŸ’πŸ»β€β™€οΈ

Of course it was impossible for me to adjust… wait… let me start by saying that I was totally glad that she was here, so I’m not bitching about that at all… but when I have trouble just existing by myself here, trying to maintain a sleep schedule that doesn’t have me feeling like death, of course it’s gonna be challenging having company in the house. 😬 But the way I looked at it, the benefit outweighed the complications, and I knew (hoped) that I’d be able to regenerate after they left anyway.

Maven wasn’t thrilled about having a horse in the house, so she generally just avoided us… but on the last day she came into the living room and sat next to me, knowing that I’d keep him away from her if he tried – as if she was thumbing her nose at him. 😏 She’s been up my butt ever since they left… heh… I mean, even more than usual.

With Genesee’s help I finally sorted away all of the boxes of memories from Mom and Dad’s apartment. They’ve been stacked in an extra bedroom for months… but having someone “in the loop” to look through the pictures, school stuff, baby stuff… it just made it so much easier to stay motivated. 😎 She was a big help in sorting out the “old old” photos into a box for Aunt Sharon to go through. Most aren’t labeled… photos of what would be my great aunts and uncles, third cousins, etc – people that really only Aunt Sharon will be able to identify / tell stories about. πŸ‘΅πŸ» I’ve already told her this is the plan, and she’s hoping to make a scrapbook for her kids so the family history doesn’t get somewhat lost as it goes down the generations.

 

Little Things Mean A Lot

It’s a handy thing to remember that when I talk about negative things or depression or whatever, it’s quite likely that what I’m feeling is actually considerably stronger than what I’m putting out for public consumption. However, the same can be said for the positive things. Even though most of the time I’d compare waking up, existing for the day, and then falling asleep to slogging through an endless waist-high bog of mud right now – I absolutely have good moments, and sometimes they’re actually really good moments. They’re just so hard to hang on to anymore.

I’m knocking out several blog entries today, after a week of relative silence, because I’m having one of those good moments. For the reasons that I’ve mentioned in the other posts below, but also because Cassi stayed last night, is probably gonna come back after her errands of the day to stay again, and even though we’ve “been there, done that” with our phase as a couple – we’re still managing to stay close, and we’re still quite important to each other. And I know, people could go down a list of oil/water things about us, but it doesn’t matter… sometimes time spent with each other, even if it’s just silently in the same room, watching the same shows on Netflix that we’ve already watched together multiple times, sometimes that time is more important than someone would ever think.

Even though being alone in my bubble is nice when I’m experiencing a span of less-than-great, sometimes letting one significant other person into the bubble as well can be a good thing. Because what often starts off as a “misery loves company” thing, almost always ends up turning away from the negative and letting us find some happy… at least for the time we’re together.

And it’s so difficult, even for myself, to understand how despite being able to spend a couple days with her around me nearly 24/7, it would be almost impossible for me to go in town and have even a short visit with nearly anyone else that I know, even if inside I really wanted to. I wish I could understand it, because I’d give anything to be able to explain it to the people that I care about, so that they could understand that even though my absence probably (understandably) feels personal – it’s not meant that way at all. It’s just one of the ways I’m damaged. 😞 Meh… I need to stop sweating this, and just accept that it’s an unfortunate situation that is unable to be changed so I need to quit mentally pushing against that wall.

Believe it or not, that’s something that Christina was trying to help me better understand the other day. She had made a post on FB about going through shit, getting back up, dusting yourself off, and continuing on while giving no shits about whatever the initial problem was. And for her to be able to be filled with that type of optimism was inspiring to me, because she just went through her first round of chemotherapy just a couple days ago. 😟 Yet here she was, saying “shit happens” and somehow being able to shake it off enough to continue on with whatever’s next, without letting it weigh her down. And she’s not really a gushy, inspirational-quote-spewing type of person… which made the little exchange even more meaningful to me. And she probably doesn’t even know it.