Birthday Eve

The stars aligned yesterday and I woke up feeling good and was able to go in to visit with Mom and Dad like I had planned a few days earlier. 🙂 Everyone knows that when it comes to planning things, my brain often won’t cooperate when the day actually comes – so that’s why it was nice to wake up yesterday feeling decent and ready to go. It’s actually Dad’s birthday today, but rather than showing up with decorations and hats and horns I just came with several bags full of goodies and junk food – and some Sonic double burgers that seemed especially good that day. 🤤🍔🍟

Mom was extra talkative, and seemed to be in a pretty good mood, although she did say that she was tired of the CD that always plays in her radio – so I told her that I’d bring her some Elton John music next time I visited. 🤩🎹 I stayed a couple of hours, and was considering doing a couple of other things on my way home, but when I got in my car my brain decided that it was just time to go straight home.

I think I overdid it with my arm throughout the day somehow, because by the time I was supposed to be going to sleep I had a pulsing headache at the base of my skull from the muscles being all meh. 😣 That kept me awake a couple hours longer than planned, so I decided last night that I’d put today’s planned activities on delay… and now that half the day is gone, I’ve actually just pushed everything off until tomorrow. 🙄⏰ Nothing is urgent, other than dealing with the BS surrounding my medication approvals, and I actually dealt with that on my way in to see Dad yesterday… so today, for the most part, will be a nothing day so I can have a little more recovery time for my oush and brain.

I’ve gotta keep reminding myself that the schedule that I sometimes feel compelled to keep (for my “responsibility/adulting” stuff) … it’s just an arbitrary timeline that I’ve pulled out of my ass. 😳😁 So it’s not so much that I really have to do this or that by a certain time or day, but it’s more that I just trick myself into thinking that those things are mandatory and unchangeable… which often isn’t the case. I gotta quit stressing myself out with dumb shit like that.

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Then and Now

I’m gonna make an effort to feel Christmas this year. Without going into details, the past several years have thrown a lot of stuff at me, Mom, Dad… hell, most folks in the family, as well as many of my friends. It just seems like the past several years have gone out of their way to shit all over everyone. 😕 Whether it’s on Facebook or from what I see and hear during the rare personal appearances that I make with friends and family – life just has this gloomy film all over it, that even the best “fake happy” can’t camouflage.

I’m glad that most folks are better able to get through the gloomy times than I am. I mean, I’m glad for them… heh… that they aren’t like me. 😏 But some of my friends and acquaintances… some of them I really worry about. I’ve watched as a couple friends have essentially become alcoholics, a couple others who frantically cling to awful relationship partners, and some who have just stopped trying over the past couple of years. 🙁 Facebook is great for introverts like me, who don’t regularly “hang out” or whatever, but it sure gives you a window into people’s lives that even they might not realize they’re giving. (Yeah, I know… “… says the guy with the endlessly rambling personal blog.”)

Anyway, my point is that the more “bleh” a person is exposed to, the more difficult it is to be resistant to it. (Obviously) I don’t want to completely miss Christmas again this year though, so once I get my medication situation taken care of I’m gonna focus my efforts on that. I don’t think I even put up any decorations last year… I’m not even sure I still have a tree, as strange as that sounds.

It helps that recently I was going through some old family boxes and found a bunch of Christmas decorations and stuff from when I was little. Each significant ornament or decoration has some sort of good memory attached to it, and I need to keep reminding myself that just because things are “how they are” now – I can’t let that stop me from thinking back to all of the better times. Just because me and a lot of other people have countless reasons to feel miserable, it doesn’t mean that we can’t allow ourselves to feel good about the things that are worth feeling good about. 🤔🙂

Granted, this is something that non-screwed-up people already know and do… but right now it just doesn’t come naturally to me, hence the constant reminders to myself. 😏 I’m sure that in the 19 days between my birthday and Christmas there will be plenty of things that will challenge my efforts, so I just hope that they’ll be mild.

I want this Christmas to feel like Christmas.