Delayed Reaction

It’s been an up and down week. I had those two or three pretty good days right after being sick for a day and a half… but like I said, probably not so much that I felt any better than normal – but the relief of not puking every few hours for an entire day and night just makes you appreciate a normal “bleh” mood a bit more. 😏 But then right after that, it was the strangest thing…

Mom has been gone for more than a month… and of course the first week or two after she passed was filled with well-wishes, company, and general “fuss” (I don’t mean that in a bad way at all) that one expects after such a thing. Then I took some time to really isolate myself so I could just feel it… adjust to it… I dunno… I just wanted nobody around so I could react however I needed to. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈΒ And my dumb ass assumed that after all of the above, my brain had processed and handled it. Heh… nope. 😟

I don’t even know what triggered it, but man… a couple of days ago – it finally really hit me. 😒 Or finally hit me for the first time, because Genesee said that she completely understood what I was trying to explain to her, and she says it was by no means a one-time deal for her after her daddy passed away several years ago. I think what happened was I crossed the line where I was just happy and relieved for Mom, that she was no longer struggling with a mind and body that were fighting against her… and I hit the point where it really sank in that she was gone gone – and then I was worthless for the better part of three days, feeling indescribably sad about everything that her being gone made me think and feel. πŸ˜” Gawd this is such a difficult thing to explain…

It’s probably all selfish, but understandable emotion… but the thing that wouldn’t leave my mind is that from this point on, any “new” person that I meet or that comes into my life… they won’t get to know her, and I can’t explain how unfair that is for all of those people. 😠 For those few days I just lost the ability to be happy about all of the happy memories and experiences, and it was all sad, mad, bitter, etc. Then I finally decided to talk out loud to her… the first time that I had done that since she passed.

I’m sure some people might think it’s strange, but with all of my grandparents gone, a couple uncles, an aunt, some friends… at one point or another, I’ve spoken out loud to them as I sat in the recliner, did my laundry, walked around outside, fed the cat… whatever the case may have been that made me want to say something to them. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈπŸ™‚ But I hadn’t been able to do that with Mom until just the other day, and I was actually feeling guilty about it. That I had so easily done it with the others, but for some reason wasn’t able yet to do that with her. But I’m glad that I finally did, because that’s what started pulling me out of that awful mood.

I reminded myself that she’s now up there with her mom and dad, among so many other relatives and friends that I may not even remember myself – but who were all waiting to greet her when she got there. 😊 And then I told her that I knew she wouldn’t want me to just sit in the house and feel how I was feeling, and I told her that I was going to try as hard as I could to get out of that funk and focus on the happy rather than the negative feelings. I don’t want her checking in on me, only to find that I’m a useless, crying, angry mess. I can’t let it mess me up like it was messing me up for those few days.

I talked for probably fifteen minutes or so… heh… and again, I know, it does sound a little weird… but with every thing that I’d say, I could feel the weight being lifted off of me… at least to when it comes how I was feeling about Mom being gone. (More of the “other stuff” in the next entry, coming fairly soon.) It’s weird though… not only did I feel guilty for not talking to her sooner, but also a little bit guilty for that horrible feeling not hitting me this hard way before this point. 😟 But again, Genesee helped… saying it was roughly a month for her as well, before she got the real “gut punch” feeling that you almost expect to feel the day of, or day after it happens. Of course I missΒ Mom… but I really do think I was just getting past my feelings of relief and happiness for her, and on to feeling sorry for myselfΒ – and everyone else that no longer gets to have her as an ongoing part of their life.

I’m sorry if this comes off as gloomy… but what I’m actually trying to say is that yeah, it hurt… then it really really hurt… but then you find a way back from it. 😌 I’m not looking forward to this becoming a recurring “surprise” thing, but I do know now that that’s just the way it works. πŸ₯Ί But I think each time that it happens, it’s gonna be easier for me to talk to her, remember all of the good – and there was a lot of good – and not let that awful feeling consume me like it was during these past few days.

Staying Busy

I woke up early this morning so I could go up to Columbus and help Leona out with a ride to one of her appointments. No other family was available, and this particular appointment was all the way on the opposite side of town – and, without putting all her business out there, taking a bus with the unwashed masses and trying to navigate her way there while doubling the time required to do so… that just wasn’t really an option. Silver lining, it took long enough that I was able to see Cassi after she got off work, right before I had to take off to make it to my dentist appointment on time.

  1. Two dumb birds, risking death for whatever it was they were doing.
  2. Many dumb birds, risking death because lounging in the road is fun.
  3. Dire-looking rollover accident near one of the bridges on the bypass.
  4. Semi car transport jams on its brakes and smokes out all of I-70 eastbound.
  5. How do you rear-end a car that hard on the freeway?

I’m really happy with how things went at the dentist. πŸ™‚ My teefs aren’t in the greatest shape, but I didn’t get even a hint of “Shame on you for not taking care of your mouf!” from anyone in their office. πŸ™Š It was an emergency appointment, so it was strictly for my single damaged toof, but we went ahead and set up another date for a cleaning, exam, x-rays, with a little time afterwards also scheduled for the fillings I’ll likely need.

The fix that they had to do was actually at the top of one of my upper teefs, at the gum line, so I was nervous that it would be too difficult to bother saving it. 😯 But she drilled it out, the other girl carefully glopped the filler composite and hardened it layer by layer, and now you can’t even tell that it was damaged. 🀩 (I told them just to match the color that the toof is now, because it kinda just “is what it is” by this point… heh…)

Feels good to get back to a dentist to get things started again. Like I told her, I’m not worried about looking pretty, because that ship has sailed, but I’d still like to keep as many of my original teefs as possible for as long as possible. Oh, and it didn’t hurt at all during the process… but wow… once I got home and the numbness wore off… holy cow. 😣 And to top it off, the pain moved from my mouf to behind my damn eyeball. Looking forward to going to sleep tonight and being a lazy bum tomorrow.