So, I Went Out

Yesterday was an all around recipe for failure. πŸ˜’ I was still dealing with the pharmacy issues andΒ already feeling like shit, but I had made a promise to a friend and I was determined to not be a disappointment again. 😞 For her birthday, a couple of months ago I bought Cassi two tickets to a concert she wanted to see at the Newport, and that show was last night. It was never my intention to go with her, as I just can’t do it right now (I didn’t even go see Skillet at Winter Jam) but I wanted her to be able to take a friend or her sister to share the fun with.

Unfortunately they didn’t have a ride to get to the show, so I went up there, picked them up, took them to the show, dropped ’em off, and then I had to find something to do until the show was over and I could pick them up again, take them home, and then make my way back home myself. πŸ€” I didn’t mind doing that at all… it was part of the gift. But I was already in bad shape before I left, and the sea of humans and traffic on campus only made things worse. 😬 I was gonna just find some thrift stores or something to kill time, but there were just too many people so I needed to go elsewhere.

That lead to one of the high points of my evening at least, after deciding to go over to Hollywood Casino. I hadn’t been there since maybe last summer, and I remembered that being in a casino often masks my pain… but not so much last night. 😐 It was fun, but not fun, if that makes sense. 😏 Too much time in the car, too much sitting in uncomfortable chairs… and it just kept getting worse. The one saving grace is that I kept losing and winning at a rate that had me only slightly down from when I walked in – and then right when I was leaving, I hit on a machine that Jim always says I should play. πŸ˜ƒπŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ This makes the second time he’s picked a winner for me.

But anyway, by the time I got home around 11pm… omg… worst neck pain that I’ve had in months. πŸ˜“ I’m not yet going to assume that the steroid injection is wearing off, since there were other factors, but yeah… it took exhaustion to finally make me sleep, because there wasn’t a single position that I could turn to that would make it go away. That sort of pain that makes a person go, “Oh shit… I’m really screwed if it just stays like this.” But like I said, thankfully, today the pain was down probably 90% from yesterday.

I guess I should wrap this up. 😏 Waking up feeling somewhat okay today… it’s allowed me to sit and plan my way towards the weekend in a way that I might be functional and okay. Don’t get me wrong, I hate that have to do any of this, and I hate that I have these days where I know I should do absolutely nothing, before baby-stepping my way out of it… but despite how it makes me look or how it may affect others, I have to start figuring out how to not be physically miserable and emotionally fucked because of it. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ


That’s Just The Way It Is

It looks like I can just count on one week out of every month being horrible thanks to the runaround I get regarding my medication. πŸ˜’ A full one-quarter of my current existence on this planet, already set aside for fuckery and feeling physically and mentally miserable. 😣 So, starting this month, I’m gonna have to start rationing – so that way when there are extended delays in getting stuff approved, I won’t be going completely without and feeling the affect of that accordingly.

I don’t even have the energy to get into it. πŸ˜” I’m just hoping that it doesn’t mean that I lost my court hearing weeks ago. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ I still haven’t gotten any paperwork on it, but I’m guessing the magistrate is probably close to making a ruling if he hasn’t already. But yeah, when I’m already having a hard time functioning like a human, knowing that I’ll lose a week each month like this certainly doesn’t help matters.

But anyway… in an attempt to not think about that for a while tonight, I put my phone on airplane mode and set up a short time-lapse shot. I think the elapsed time was actually about two hours, but it plays out in a minute or so. I used an ISO of about 1200, an exposure of 1/3 of a second, with digital light trail enhancement of 3 seconds. πŸ€“ I’m actually fairly pleased with the result, although I’ve already thought of what adjustments I need to make next time so there’s less grain, brighter stars, and longer light trails.

So yeah… this is just another thing I have to adjust for, the same way that I need to adjust the amount of shit that I do when I’m feeling good – since I know that too much moving around will screw me up. 😐 Meh… it’s almost too hard to explain how complicated it actually is – the stuff that I can actually somewhat control – so when stuff that I can’t control gets added on top of it… yeah, things start to get bad bad. I’ll figure it out. Eventually. But hey, that video is kinda neat, no? πŸ™‚

(I might try to capture the movement of just the stars next time we have a new moon.)


Almost screwed up today. Well, maybe I did screw up a little. Opened the garage door to take some boxes and trash out to the buggy, then decided to sit outside for a couple of minutes since it was sunny and almost warm. But then I decided to take a walk to around the back of the house to check out the condition of things. See, I had someone mowing my grass all last summer, and I honestly never even really looked out back. I can see the bushes at the back through the various windows, but it is really only in passing.

First thing I noticed was that one of the flower tree things had died and rotted during the winter. 😐 I was actually able to easily break off many of the limbs and also push over most of the base of it that was still in the ground. It’s not completely gone yet, but it was nice to do something that noticeable without pushing my limits. And the hedges at the back that I mentioned… they’re overgrown and have other sorts of trees growing up in random spots within them, so I won’t be able to put them off for another season.

The other big-ish things that will have to be dealt with are all of the evergreen bushes that surround the house, and the strangely large tree that has grown up inside of the huge pine tree out front. 😳 The bushes in the rear and on the north side are probably small enough that I will (or would) be able to take care of them, but the others are way beyond my ability. And thankfully they did a good job weed whacking the flower gardens (and just mowing over the stuff that I told them to mow over) so they don’t look that bad.

So here’s where I’m at. I know there are quite a few things that I’d be able to do, but I would really only be able to do small bits at a time, over a span of several days for each of the things… so is that really worth it? πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ Cringing each day as I go out to do the small amount of work that I can do before it fucks my shoulders and neck, and hoping that I never bump up against that point. 😬 Doesn’t sound like an awesome way to spend my spring, and it risks stealing a bunch of days that might otherwise be days that I’d feel like leaving the house. So I guess I’ve made my decision. 😟

As much as I hate spending money when I feel like I don’t absolutely have to, this is a situation where the right call is to just hire some d00ds to do it. Why should I spend (likely) several days trimming the smaller bushes, when a full time landscaper type person will probably come and bust through all of them in a couple of hours – whether I’ve trimmed anything or not. πŸ˜’ There are a couple more examples of that same scenario but with different stuff in the yard, so I just have to suck it up and accept that I can’t do it and get someone who can. That’s a hard thing to admit. πŸ™‡πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ

The one thing that has saved me from getting too twitchy about this today is the thought that even if I have someone come in and do everything that needs to be done… the amount I’m gonna have to pay is still gonna be less than one month’s rent in a decent apartment. And then, other than mowing, none of it will really need to be done again until the same time next year – or even longer if I have someone chop the bushes on the property line down to nubs. 🀨 So I’m gonna make a list of what I need to have done and what I’d like to have done, and then probably call my uncle after the weekend to talk to him about it and see if he has any d00ds that he can recommend.

Not being in constant miserable pain > swallowing my pride / being a tightwad

‘Twas The Night…

A little bit of down time here on the evening before Christmas, so I figured I’d go ahead and throw up a blog entry. I’ve currently got “Twas the Night Before Christmas” playing via YouTube on the TV (Frosty is next) and Cassi is napping in the recliner next to me. πŸ˜‹ Surprisingly I don’t have that one on DVD, so I’m stuck with the slightly sped-up, angle skewed version here… but it’s one of my “must play” shows, so I’ll take what I can get with only a few hours left until Christmas.

Having company wasn’t in the original plan, but it’s nice to have her here. While I’ve been able to help out with their move and then run back home away from the stress, she’s basically been stuck in it… so Athena decided to spend time with her boyfriend, Leona went to stay with her mom, and I went to pick up Cassi so she could spend time with me and vice versa. πŸ™‚ I’m hoping the current nap status isn’t a reflection on me, but rather just relief of getting away from the chaos for a while.

It’s nice to have someone in my bubble for today and tomorrow, because like the past several years – I’ve just been struggling to grab hold of any Christmas spirit. I don’t feel awful or even bad… I just miss how I used to feel, but I suppose the older everyone gets the harder it is to hang on to the feeling we had as kids. πŸ€” In fact, I’m probably lucky to have held onto it as long as I did – probably longer than most, because I think my Christmas experiences as a kid were better than most. πŸ˜€ Yes, I’m probably biased, but they really did it right when I was little. πŸŽ„πŸ‘¨β€πŸ‘©β€πŸ‘¦

It’s been difficult this year to listen to our traditional family holiday music. I still haven’t figured out how to not let it make me sad… sad that things are so dramatically different than when I was a kid… but the way it goes is a) listen to old carols, b) feel good for a few seconds, remembering, then c) feeling shitty because this isn’t how everything was supposed to end up. Yes, everyone in the family is getting older, and getting older brings various forms and levels of suck – and it’s something that should be expected and therefore able to be prepared for, but yeah… that’s not how it goes for me. 😟

It’s okay though… like I said, I’m not miserable… I’ve got surprise company that I’m glad to have with me, and Genesee made sure that Santa didn’t forget me and Maven when it comes to having some little surprises on Christmas morning. Things could be a whole lot worse, and I have to remember that. 😌 I don’t wanna seem ungrateful for what I’ve got, but it’s hard not to feel selfish when I think about the things I wish were better/different. But at least I’ve got lots of “good” to be sitting here missing, eh?

Merry Christmas everyone… make the best of it.

Skip This Depressing Shit

Some of you may know that I’ve got an issue with being able to check my email. I had to deal with quite a few “unpleasant” things through email, so apparently my brain just had enough and now it won’t let me use it. Despite that, I’ve recently (begrudgingly, with difficulty) been checking my messages out of necessity, but last night I had another setback when I checked my junk folder for a message that I’m waiting for, but instead saw an email that was allegedly from my mom. 😐 Now, Mom is quite sick, has no computer access, and even if she did – she wouldn’t be capable of sending anyone any email messages.

Even though I haven’t used email in ages, long ago I set up filters that would automatically trash any messages from people who I thought might damage my calm. πŸ˜’ But since I knew that Mom wouldn’t be sending any messages I had no reason to add her name to the filter. (She wouldn’t damage my calm, I’ve just excluded all family from my inbox.)Β So I don’t know if someone hacked her old account, or if it was a fake header just based on data-mined information about me… but I deleted it and added her to the filter. 😣 Can’t explain how depressing it is to see something like that, when there was a time that we didΒ often exchange a bunch of messages… but knowing that those times are long gone now. πŸ˜•

More sad news… I’ve got to go up to Columbus tomorrow to be with Cassi when she takes Lily in to be put to sleep. 😟 She’s had kidney problems for months now, but it’s gotten to the point where even though she’s still lovey, she’s visibly sick all the time, can’t control her potty stuff, can’t really eat or drink… of course it’s the “still lovey” thing that makes it so hard. (Not that it’s ever easy to lose a pet.) She tried doing weekly injections to jump-start kidney function, but eventually that stopped working. The vet agrees that it’s time, so yeah… ugh. 😒 To try and find some good cat news, at least Z is happy, doing good, and isn’t obese like she used to be. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ So there’s that.

And here’s some bonus awfulness. One of my good friends, his mom has been fighting cancer for a while now – and it turns out the doctor recently told her that she should expect to live for only three more months, give or take a bit. So she’ll make it through the holiday season, which is a blessing, but once the new year gets here things are gonna start to get bad for her and him. 😞 One of my other friends, she just got done with her final round of chemo and will be going in for her “final” scans at the end of the month. 😬 And I have to admit that I haven’t checked on Rick for a while to see how his leukemia battle is going… it’s just all so overwhelming when you think about it all at once, on top of life’s normal suck.

I swear, if I sat here and listed off every single thing that I have a legitimate reason to be upset or depressed about, people would max out their data plans just trying to read it all. Almost all of it is beyond my control, so it’s hard for me to come to terms with. I’m one of those people that always tells friends that sometimes they have to accept the suck in their lives, and that they shouldn’t expect every day to be full of friends, fun, excitement, happiness… but fuck… I’d like a break please.

Welcome Back

My bed has kicked my ass over the past couple of nights. The last few months have been somewhat okay, but prior to that it had a habit of messing up my lower back if I didn’t stay in just the right position as I slept. So now I’m waddling around the house, hunched over in pain like an old man. πŸ‘΄πŸ»πŸ˜£ And I know the process – it’s either gonna be mostly okay tomorrow, or it’s gonna get worse and stay worse for a while. 😐 Luckily I got the living room all cleaned up and presentable yesterday, so I’m not gonna be forced to sit in a room that’s annoying me until I feel better. (That’s my half-assed effort at trying to stay positive.)

I’m just glad that it’s a weekend day, and that I didn’t have any plans. So I can sit here with heat on my back and watch the last race of the season. I don’t have NBC (live) with my DirecTV Now service – so I’m watching the cluttered “Hot Pass” version of coverage on NBCSN. At least half-a-dozen camera views on the screen at once, live audio from whatever driver they happen to pick for that moment… it’s ugly, but it’ll do.

Ugh… it’s amazing how quickly unexpected pain like this can take away whatever “will to care (about anything)” that I may have had the previous day. 😞 Believe me, I make an effort to not be miserable… and it is an effort… but since I’m always walking that fine line anyway, it doesn’t take a whole hell of a lot to push me over the edge to bad.