You Might Not See It

Despite all my bitching, I can at least say that I’m doing better than I was several months ago – at least regarding my anxiety, my “twitchy”, and whatever other random weird mental things affect me. ๐Ÿ˜ต I’m obviously going to have setbacks, where I kinda just retreat into my shell (like today), but considering that just a few months ago I wasn’t talking to hardly any of my friends, wasn’t really visiting with Mom and Dad, had no desire to do pretty much anything… where I’m at right now is objectively better, even though a lot of times it doesn’t feel that way to me.

But I’ve been back on email with Dad for a couple months now, after essentially abandoning email as a whole over a year ago… and I know, it sounds weird, and it’s even harder to explain how “anxiety” and “email” can go together… but yeah, more emails, more visits, reaching out to friends – slowly, one at a time… I’m doing so much more than I was able to or wanted to do just a handful of months ago.

I don’t necessarily like admitting how messed up my brain can be, but what can I do? It’s me. ๐Ÿ˜ So I think it’s fair to look at my slow but steady progress on these dumb, sometimes inexplicable anxiety issues and feel at least a bit better about it. I know I don’t function like a “normal” human, not by any stretch of the definition… and I know that my occasional communication drop-outs or disappearances by me are still frustrating and hard for friends and family to understand – but they pretty much “get me” now, at least as best as I can be “gotten” I suppose.

Hmm… this counts as posting something positive, right? ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ (Even though today is fucked. ๐Ÿ˜)

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Hurt, Heal, Push, Hurt, Heal, Push…

Yesterday evening ended up being bad. Normally you do some sort of physical activity, it’ll work up your muscles a bit, then as the day and night progresses – the pain or stiffness gradually goes away. Not last night. ๐Ÿ˜ฃ๐Ÿ˜  I left PT feeling awful and it continued to get worse all the way until I somehow fell asleep despite it. And even today, as soon as I effing woke up – neck is stiff, head and eyeballs are pounding with a headache still… heh… I really wasn’t anticipating it being this bad, considering the relatively limited movement that I allowed my bad arm and shoulder yesterday. ๐Ÿ˜’ Even being actively aware of and discussing it as I was going through exercises with the physical therapist, I still allowed myself to get this effed up. ๐Ÿคฌ

I got wrapped up in that “authority figure” syndrome thing. ๐Ÿ‘จ๐Ÿปโ€โš•๏ธ๐Ÿ‘ฉ๐Ÿปโ€๐Ÿซ๐Ÿ‘ฎ๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ๐Ÿ‘ฉ๐Ÿปโ€โš–๏ธ Where you’re talking to a cop or doctor or teacher or whatever… and because you see them as an authority figure, you’re more likely to just do what they say, or give their words more weight than compared to a “normal” person. ๐Ÿ™„ I wanted to do the exercises that they have determined should help me, and in “trying to do my best” (like always) I really messed myself up. ๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ But anyway – I’ve already decided that I’m barely going to do any of that shit during the next visit – or at home, where I’m also supposed to continue the exercises.

I’m not gonna give up on trying to get my back to heal properly and train it for a little more endurance, but I’m not gonna be able to do it the way a completely functional human would. ๐Ÿค• Tomorrow is supposed to be my last appointment with them anyway, so it’ll be up to me to make the choices about how I’m gonna keep things moving in the right direction. Heh… I can’t explain how angry this pain makes me… it’s a combination of the actual pain, the resentment regarding the original injury that has made me this fragile, feeling like “taking the initiative” to push myself to heal just results in punishment, spending every other day hurting and recovering… meh… I’m just gonna basically drop the extensive PT and do what I can, because prior to this I was actually healing and feeling pretty good.

It’s just one of those days where as soon as I woke up I was already done with this day. ๐Ÿ˜Ÿ Gonna try to make this headache go away and hopefully do something that can flip my mood. Apologies to anyone who has messaged me or sent e-mails and haven’t gotten a reply yet. I’m gonna try to get at all that before the afternoon is over. It’s hard to put on “happy, socializing face” when I’m feeling like this…

And I’m gonna find something positive to post about later too. Tired of being miserable.

3am Check-In

I’m having one of those nights where I find myself wide awake at 3am, so I came over here to barf out a blog entry… but now that I’ve done so, I realize that I don’t really have anything to talk about. ๐Ÿ˜’ Hmm… the night before last, I heard an incident on the police scanner where someone’s couch was set on fire and they were stabbed, and they even had to have a medical helicopter airlift them to a hospital in Columbus. ๐Ÿ˜ณ And that was about all the info that they gave – which was sort of a tease… but of course I hope the d00d is okay.

I dunno… today was just kinda shitty, and this up-all-night crap isn’t going to help me in regards to tomorrow. I’m not going to count on tomorrow sucking though… but I am preparing myself just in case it does. I think that whenever I wake up, I should be able to shake it off and hit the reset button for the beginning of the week. ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธย We’ll see…

Alright… gonna go time-lapse the night sky again and see how that goes. ๐Ÿค“

EDIT: I think what I need to do, is to just go ahead and say “Okay, you fucked up… tomorrow’s probably gonna be a write off.” and not stress myself out too much about trying to make tomorrow “count” – if I know that it’s just not gonna take. So, if I’m able to be productive or do the things I want tomorrow? Great. If not, then I’ll just cross my fingers, take some Tylenol PMs at a “normal” bedtime hour, and just try again the next day.

Mulligan

Today was one of those unexpected / inexplicable “I feel miserable and I’m not even sure why.” days. ๐Ÿ˜Ÿ The weather didn’t help, being gray, rainy, and miserable all friggin’ day. I dunno, it was more than that though, which makes it that much more frustrating that I’m unable to put a finger on it. ๐Ÿ˜’ Meh… it’ll pass, and thankfully these bleh moments usually don’t last longer than a day lately.

I did get a lot of my little projects worked on yesterday and this morning though, so I can feel good about that. ๐Ÿ™‚ But in doing so, I’ve sorta F’d up my living room – with my typical “three-quarter circle of paperwork” surrounding me as I work on the living room floor. ๐Ÿ˜ Heh… I’ve got two different desks at which I could probably sit when I do my “office stuff” – but my brain still insists on sitting on the floor for whatever reason. ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ Eventually my butt and back will likely have a talk with my brain, and things will probably change, but I bet that won’t happen for a long time.

I’ve been avoiding anything with substance for most of the day, so before I go to bed tonight I’ve yet to check my messages, voice mails, and email… but I should be able to get through those pretty quickly since I’ve been managing to somewhat keep up on them lately. ๐Ÿค“ The cat appreciates that I haven’t moved much throughout the day as well… as she can sleep on the suitcase (still) where she can keep an eye on me, while also enabling her to wake up every hour or so to come over and get some pettins before going back to the suitcase and lying down again. ๐Ÿ˜บ

Meandering Thoughts

I’ve been anxiously waiting for the weekend to get here. ๐Ÿ˜ While technically the day of the week doesn’t matter too much when it comes to my life, right now I’m using these “weekend” days as a crutch for my struggles of the moment. ๐Ÿ˜Ÿ I’ve had a string of challenging days which have gotten progressively worse, mostly because I’m dwelling on a few things that I’m incapable of doing at the moment. Things that other people are somewhat countingย on me to be able to do. ๐Ÿ˜ฌ No matter what it might be, I hate when I can’t be “reliably reliable” for my friends or family… so while I do continue to work on myself, I really needed this weekend so I could chill and tell myselfย “Just take it easy on yourself for a couple of days. It’s the weekend.”

Even having said that, it’s only partially effective, so my brain took it upon itself to engage in other distractions. Twitter is always a “go to” place for relatively irrelevant engagement. It seems most of the world goes there to loudly and/or angrily broadcast their opinions (often barely grounded in facts, if at all) and I usually end up trying to educate the exceedingly ignorant, insulting, and condescending of the lot. I know the odds are slim that I’d ever get any of them to think beyond their narrow view of reality… but like I said, it’s more distraction than crusade. (Plus it lets me act like an asshole to those that deserve it. Everyone needs that outlet sometimes๐Ÿค”)

Lots of discussions about gun control and the Parkland kids, talk about the recent military engagement in Syria and the potential consequences… ๐Ÿค“ but then somehow I got diverted towards more random/fun Twitter and Google searches. I think it started with things about Atlantic City, since I’m considering a trip there sometime this year, but then I ended up looking through local auction listings – which switched my brain over to straight nostalgia mode. ๐Ÿ˜Š

One of the first things that I came across (which was weird, since I was just wondering about it a few days ago) was a vintage “Poosh-M-Up” pinball-ish type game… one that my Dad had when he lived here at this house. ๐Ÿค— It’s funny, one of those things where my memory of the game and the location are inseparable. I’m assuming my grandparents originally bought it for him, but then I ended up playing with it once I was old enough. ๐Ÿ‘ฆ๐Ÿป But yeah, such a random thing to accidentally come across… and there’s actually quite a few varieties of this game, and I plan on reading about the history of them all. ๐Ÿ™‚ I never considered there’d be a bunch of ’em out there like this.

This local auction though, it has several items that I’m kinda interested in. ๐Ÿ˜ฏ That pinball game, old Atari game consoles and computers, other misc old toys of my era… and even though it’s in Mt Vernon, that actually motivates me to go a little more – since it’s a sleepy little town and there might not be many people that show up to outbid me. ๐Ÿ˜ So after looking up that stuff on eBay, it made me think of other old games that I had when I was a kid, so of course I started looking up some of those things as well. I know that I always threaten to do an entire blog entry devoted to pricing toys from my personal childhood, but I really think that I’m gonna do that later tonight if my brain remains in its current happy place. ๐Ÿ˜‹

Maybe, Possibly

Sitting here trying to get my brain out of “pause” and onto something productive. I’ve got a whole cabinet full of stuff that’s destined for eBay, but I just haven’t had the mental energy for it in a long, long time. I think I might be feeling some motivation today though… and I’ve already gone to eBay and updated a bunch of my information and settings, and I’ve got the desire to start listing – if not the actual motivation quite yet.

It’s difficult to explain how frozen I’ve been in my life over the past couple of years. I don’t do much around the house, I don’t do pretty much anything with friends anymore… I’m just here, existing through the day so I can exist again the next day and do the same. I don’t bring it up because I wanna explain or get in to it… but to just paint the picture of someone who is trapped in a moment as life passes by.

A few months ago I wouldn’t have even cared, so right now, feeling like I wanna start doing some stuff – whatever it might be – is definitely an improvement. Yeah, thinking about doing stuff barely counts more than not thinking about it… so it’s gonna be about pushing it from a thought into action. Right now at least, I feel like I might be able to start doing that. Meh… so yeah, that’s what my brain is spinning on today as I sit at the house.

Hmm, This Is New

I’ve been cautiously creeping through the past couple of days, making sure that I didn’t do anything that could possibly tweak my neck (since it’s been acting up again) but the past 12 hours have been awful anyway. ๐Ÿ˜‘ Sleeping for an hour here and there, and then when I finally woke up and stayed up for good this morning at 6am – I had some serious chest pains going on. ๐Ÿ˜ณ

My breathing was fine, I wasn’t lightheaded, and I didn’t feel any tingling in my arms, legs, or face – so even though it caused me concern I decided to not go to the ER. ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ I actually went in town to get some aspirin though… a couple to chew right away, and the rest to add to my normal daily pills. Just in case. (I even sat in the parking lot at the hospital for a bit. Also just in case.) But the idea of heart troubles or a heart attack… my brain goes “You’re fine, that only happens to old people.” while forgetting that I amย close to being “old people” if not there already.

I caught a nap after coming back home, hoping that if I got a little more sleep that it might make me feel better, but that’s not been the result so far. ๐Ÿ˜Ÿ I swear, it’s like I slept on my front, and someone snuck a baseball-sized rock in between the mattress and my sternum. ๐Ÿ˜ฃ I’m not dead so far though… heh… so I’m gonna give it one more day and if it isn’t noticeably better then I guess I’ll almost have to go to the ER.

Do the majority of folks my age (and older) always feel like they’re falling apart? ๐Ÿ˜ข I’m obviously really hoping that this is just nothing… so I’d definitely appreciate any “thoughts and prayers” that anyone may care to throw at me until it passes. โค๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป Looks like I’ll be remaining in neutral for a while longer.