Saying Goodbye

Yesterday was rough. ๐Ÿ˜ I woke up and hit the road shortly after dawn, because I wanted to allow myself plenty of time to compete with rush hour traffic heading towards Columbus. I just wanted to get up there early enough so that I could spend a while with Cassi and Lily before we had to head to the vet’s office. ๐Ÿ˜ž Once we were there, I couldn’t make myself stay in the room when the time came – but thankfully Cassi was strong enough to stay in there with Lily through all of it. As I sat out in the car waiting for her, I found what I felt was the best way to think about it…

Cassi loves Lily and didn’t want her to go, obviously, but she knew that for Lily’s sake – that’s what needed to happen. And Lily… I like to think that Lily didn’t want to go, but only because she didn’t want her adoptive mommy (and the other kitties in the house) to be sad and miss her. ๐Ÿ˜ข But Lily herself, I’m sure that if she would have been able to say it, she’d have said that it was time to go.ย  Thinking about it in human terms… as all of us approach our final years, there’s a pretty good chance that we ourselves will go through days, weeks, or maybe even months where we’d probably like to ask God to go ahead take us – due to the discomfort that often comes with that old age. ๐Ÿ‘ด๐Ÿป๐Ÿ˜Ÿ

We were sniffling and sobbing all the way back to the apartment, and she was telling me even more little stories about Lily and some of the other cats that I hadn’t heard before… kind of a rolling “wake” of good kitty memories. ๐Ÿ™‚๐Ÿ˜ธ Of course I couldn’t help but start thinking about Maven’s age, wondering how I’m going to be able to face it once that day comes for her… but luckily I’ve got both Cassi and Genesee who said they’re willing (and want) to be there. I wish I could have made myself stay in the room for Cassi, but she understood – and actually said that she never expected me to. ๐Ÿคจ She basically said it in a way to let me know that she stayed in the room not only for Lily, but also so that I didn’t have to.

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Then and Now

I’m gonna make an effort to feel Christmas this year. Without going into details, the past several years have thrown a lot of stuff at me, Mom, Dad… hell, most folks in the family, as well as many of my friends. It just seems like the past several years have gone out of their way to shit all over everyone. ๐Ÿ˜• Whether it’s on Facebook or from what I see and hear during the rare personal appearances that I make with friends and family – life just has this gloomy film all over it, that even the best “fake happy” can’t camouflage.

I’m glad that most folks are better able to get through the gloomy times than I am. I mean, I’m glad for them… heh… that they aren’t like me. ๐Ÿ˜ But some of my friends and acquaintances… some of them I really worry about. I’ve watched as a couple friends have essentially become alcoholics, a couple others who frantically cling to awful relationship partners, and some who have just stopped trying over the past couple of years. ๐Ÿ™ Facebook is great for introverts like me, who don’t regularly “hang out” or whatever, but it sure gives you a window into people’s lives that even they might not realize they’re giving. (Yeah, I know… “… says the guy with the endlessly rambling personal blog.”)

Anyway, my point is that the more “bleh” a person is exposed to, the more difficult it is to be resistant to it. (Obviously)ย I don’t want to completely miss Christmas again this year though, so once I get my medication situation taken care of I’m gonna focus my efforts on that. I don’t think I even put up any decorations last year… I’m not even sure I still have a tree, as strange as that sounds.

It helps that recently I was going through some old family boxes and found a bunch of Christmas decorations and stuff from when I was little. Each significant ornament or decoration has some sort of good memory attached to it, and I need to keep reminding myself that just because things are “how they are” now – I can’t let that stop me from thinking back to all of the better times. Just because me and a lot of other people have countless reasons to feel miserable, it doesn’t mean that we can’t allow ourselves to feel good about the things that are worth feeling good about. ๐Ÿค”๐Ÿ™‚

Granted, this is something that non-screwed-up people already know and do… but right now it just doesn’t come naturally to me, hence the constant reminders to myself. ๐Ÿ˜ I’m sure that in the 19 days between my birthday and Christmas there will be plenty of things that will challenge my efforts, so I just hope that they’ll be mild.

I want this Christmas to feel like Christmas.

At Ease

I’m doing my best to make the remainder of my evening peaceful. โ˜บ I’ve straightened up the living room a bit, I’ve got my new spiral bound journal/notepads and extra-fine tipped Pilot Precise V5 rolling ball pens sitting nearby (Mmm… office supplies… ๐Ÿคค) just in case I feel like writing, and I just ordered the latest Pirates of The Caribbean movie on PPV so I have something to distract me from the “real” and transport me somewhere else.

See, when all I have to worry about is myself, I’m quite capable of not being a mess. ๐Ÿ˜ But things like earlier today, where I was simply asked to a family gathering… something that I do appreciate still even being invited to… that messed me up for the better part of the day, feeling bad because I couldn’t make myself go – and knowing that I was letting people down again.

That’s definitely the “mom” in me – how it really does a number on me when something (even unintentionally) makes me feel like a disappointment. ๐Ÿ˜ž I just gotta remind myself, especially when I’m already struggling, that I can’t live my life to please others – and as long as it isn’t being done maliciously, there’s nothing wrong with that.

So once again I’ll finish this evening by hoping that the feeling continues into the next day, and that maybe my Sunday will truly feel like a day off – where nobody is counting on me for anything, so I can start the day with a clean slate when it comes to what I want to accomplish, if anything. I just really wanna start turning things around, and it doesn’t even matter where it starts. ๐Ÿ™‡โ€โ™‚๏ธ I’m not giving up just yet.

Yup

Some days can surprise you and end up being better than tolerable, and then some days you have to literally expect absolutely nothing from yourself if you intend to survive the day. If people can’t understand that, or at least be politely sympathetic towards that struggle, it’s their problem – not yours.

Okay, Maybe That Was A Bit Bleak

It’s utterly miserable outside today… and I’m so glad. ๐Ÿ˜ I think I may have explained this before, but when I know that I’m not going to be able to leave the house (for whatever reason) I’d much rather it be gloomy and awful out than sunny and 70 degrees – because the day doesn’t seem nearly as wasted that way.ย  The clouds are so dramatic looking that I considered doing some sort of time-lapse video, but it’s also been raining pretty heavily – and I can’t be arsed to get soaked just to make another time-lapse that looks like half-a-dozen of the other videos that I’ve made over the years.

But I just wanted to come back in here today to make a lighter post, to balance the somewhat heavy feel of the one that I made last night. (ie: even when everything is horrible, everything isn’t horrible.)

Even though this past week has been challenging, I did still complete some more work towards sorting through shit here in the house that can be sold via yard sale or auction or whatever. It’s hard to explain how an excess of inconsequential “stuff” can feel overwhelming at times, but it does. And it’s not just my own stuff that I’ve compiled over the years, but also all of the stuff that was already in this house when I moved in. ๐Ÿ˜ But yeah, I filled up another big ol’ U-Haul moving box full of random goods, which felt like (and was) a nice small accomplishment.

Another non-bleh thing from the past few days was that I volunteered to watch the fur babies again for a couple of days while their house was being fogged for silverfish. ๐Ÿ™„ It is a ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿป huge ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿป friggin‘ ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿป painย inย the ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿป ass –ย getting them here, housing them, and then getting them back home… heh… but as y’all know, I try to help out friends when I can, plus it was nice to see Dad’s kitties again. Lily is really starting to show her age, but she is soooo lovey when she sees me now. ๐Ÿ˜Š Maybe she knows that I’m responsible for her getting soft food while the others get dry.

And then this year’s county fair came and went this week. I can’t remember if I already mentioned it… but meh… it’s something where I could honestly take it or leave it right now. I know some of my friends went, and I’m sure that there’d be plenty of other people there that I’d know as well – but honestly I just didn’t have the oomph to deal with any of them.ย  That sounds so awful, I know… but introverted people with anxiety issues are like “Dude. I know exactly what you mean.”ย I’m just bringing it up here because it makes the empath in me smile to see many of my normally-unhappy friends making happy posts from the fair on their FB walls and such.

But It’ll Be Fun

Feeling pretty miserable today. ๐Ÿ˜ž Christina’s cancer fund-raiser is this evening, but I just can’t make myself go. They’re doing it as a “bar crawl” since she used to be a bartender, and therefore has a ton of friends/acquaintances that would be likely to come out in that fashion… but me, with my twitchy social anxiety and introversion, it’s just not my scene anymore.

I feel bad, because I’d really like to be able to go and show my support, but there’s not really anything that I can do about it. I sent a message to Chelsea a bit ago, explaining why I wouldn’t be there, and I think she’ll understand for the most part. The shirts they had made for the event… it marks the third “cancer support” t-shirt that I’ve bought this summer in regards to a friend who’s fighting that battle, and that’s three shirts too many. (And that’s only my cancer-fightin’ friends who are doing that sort of fund raising.)

But like I told her, I’m not doing very good at accepting “bad” these days, and when there’s an option of being reminded of that “bad” vs. hopefully just being able to avoid the thought of that “bad” altogether and acting like it’s not real… heh… well, I think you know which option my brain chooses for me. I mean, I know they’re gonna have fun and that it will be hopeful, goofy, optimistic, etc… but right now everything just feels too heavy and I can’t be there. (And yet here I am, still feeling “bleh” about it since my brain won’t let me go. ๐Ÿ˜’ It can be frustrating being me sometimes.)

Paused

I’m trying to make myself write a new entry… trying to make myself do anything. Just having an extremely bad stretch of days here, with paralyzing depression – but without sadness. It’s weird. I’m not sitting here dwelling on any one specific thing, I’m just kind of existing… waiting for this latest blast of “meh” to pass. I mean, I’ve got some stuff to talk about, but right now I just can’t. (Which, I know, seems odd since I’m able to sit here and produce the words that you’re reading right now.) Wish me luck. Hopefully I’ll feel better later this evening. It’s the weekend… everybody feels good on the weekend, right? ๐Ÿ˜’