At Ease

I’m doing my best to make the remainder of my evening peaceful. ☺ I’ve straightened up the living room a bit, I’ve got my new spiral bound journal/notepads and extra-fine tipped Pilot Precise V5 rolling ball pens sitting nearby (Mmm… office supplies… 🀀) just in case I feel like writing, and I just ordered the latest Pirates of The Caribbean movie on PPV so I have something to distract me from the “real” and transport me somewhere else.

See, when all I have to worry about is myself, I’m quite capable of not being a mess. 😏 But things like earlier today, where I was simply asked to a family gathering… something that I do appreciate still even being invited to… that messed me up for the better part of the day, feeling bad because I couldn’t make myself go – and knowing that I was letting people down again.

That’s definitely the “mom” in me – how it really does a number on me when something (even unintentionally) makes me feel like a disappointment. 😞 I just gotta remind myself, especially when I’m already struggling, that I can’t live my life to please others – and as long as it isn’t being done maliciously, there’s nothing wrong with that.

So once again I’ll finish this evening by hoping that the feeling continues into the next day, and that maybe my Sunday will truly feel like a day off – where nobody is counting on me for anything, so I can start the day with a clean slate when it comes to what I want to accomplish, if anything. I just really wanna start turning things around, and it doesn’t even matter where it starts. πŸ™‡β€β™‚οΈ I’m not giving up just yet.

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Yup

Some days can surprise you and end up being better than tolerable, and then some days you have to literally expect absolutely nothing from yourself if you intend to survive the day. If people can’t understand that, or at least be politely sympathetic towards that struggle, it’s their problem – not yours.

Okay, Maybe That Was A Bit Bleak

It’s utterly miserable outside today… and I’m so glad. 😏 I think I may have explained this before, but when I know that I’m not going to be able to leave the house (for whatever reason) I’d much rather it be gloomy and awful out than sunny and 70 degrees – because the day doesn’t seem nearly as wasted that way.Β  The clouds are so dramatic looking that I considered doing some sort of time-lapse video, but it’s also been raining pretty heavily – and I can’t be arsed to get soaked just to make another time-lapse that looks like half-a-dozen of the other videos that I’ve made over the years.

But I just wanted to come back in here today to make a lighter post, to balance the somewhat heavy feel of the one that I made last night. (ie: even when everything is horrible, everything isn’t horrible.)

Even though this past week has been challenging, I did still complete some more work towards sorting through shit here in the house that can be sold via yard sale or auction or whatever. It’s hard to explain how an excess of inconsequential “stuff” can feel overwhelming at times, but it does. And it’s not just my own stuff that I’ve compiled over the years, but also all of the stuff that was already in this house when I moved in. 😐 But yeah, I filled up another big ol’ U-Haul moving box full of random goods, which felt like (and was) a nice small accomplishment.

Another non-bleh thing from the past few days was that I volunteered to watch the fur babies again for a couple of days while their house was being fogged for silverfish. πŸ™„ It is a πŸ‘πŸ» huge πŸ‘πŸ» friggin‘ πŸ‘πŸ» painΒ inΒ the πŸ‘πŸ» ass –Β getting them here, housing them, and then getting them back home… heh… but as y’all know, I try to help out friends when I can, plus it was nice to see Dad’s kitties again. Lily is really starting to show her age, but she is soooo lovey when she sees me now. 😊 Maybe she knows that I’m responsible for her getting soft food while the others get dry.

And then this year’s county fair came and went this week. I can’t remember if I already mentioned it… but meh… it’s something where I could honestly take it or leave it right now. I know some of my friends went, and I’m sure that there’d be plenty of other people there that I’d know as well – but honestly I just didn’t have the oomph to deal with any of them.Β  That sounds so awful, I know… but introverted people with anxiety issues are like “Dude. I know exactly what you mean.”Β I’m just bringing it up here because it makes the empath in me smile to see many of my normally-unhappy friends making happy posts from the fair on their FB walls and such.

But It’ll Be Fun

Feeling pretty miserable today. 😞 Christina’s cancer fund-raiser is this evening, but I just can’t make myself go. They’re doing it as a “bar crawl” since she used to be a bartender, and therefore has a ton of friends/acquaintances that would be likely to come out in that fashion… but me, with my twitchy social anxiety and introversion, it’s just not my scene anymore.

I feel bad, because I’d really like to be able to go and show my support, but there’s not really anything that I can do about it. I sent a message to Chelsea a bit ago, explaining why I wouldn’t be there, and I think she’ll understand for the most part. The shirts they had made for the event… it marks the third “cancer support” t-shirt that I’ve bought this summer in regards to a friend who’s fighting that battle, and that’s three shirts too many. (And that’s only my cancer-fightin’ friends who are doing that sort of fund raising.)

But like I told her, I’m not doing very good at accepting “bad” these days, and when there’s an option of being reminded of that “bad” vs. hopefully just being able to avoid the thought of that “bad” altogether and acting like it’s not real… heh… well, I think you know which option my brain chooses for me. I mean, I know they’re gonna have fun and that it will be hopeful, goofy, optimistic, etc… but right now everything just feels too heavy and I can’t be there. (And yet here I am, still feeling “bleh” about it since my brain won’t let me go. πŸ˜’ It can be frustrating being me sometimes.)

Paused

I’m trying to make myself write a new entry… trying to make myself do anything. Just having an extremely bad stretch of days here, with paralyzing depression – but without sadness. It’s weird. I’m not sitting here dwelling on any one specific thing, I’m just kind of existing… waiting for this latest blast of “meh” to pass. I mean, I’ve got some stuff to talk about, but right now I just can’t. (Which, I know, seems odd since I’m able to sit here and produce the words that you’re reading right now.) Wish me luck. Hopefully I’ll feel better later this evening. It’s the weekend… everybody feels good on the weekend, right? πŸ˜’

“Wake Up, Case 1485729-4”

Fell asleep around dawn and then was awoken by a phone call from one of my attorneys a few hours later. πŸ˜’ We’ve got quite a bit of outstanding issues right now, and after the long weekend I could almost feel this call coming… so much so that I didn’t turn my ringer off, since I did need to talk to him.

This entry might as well be titled “What Else Is Wrong?” since, in part, it’s essentially going to be a sequel to my most recent post. As you may or may not know, I try to keep my online presence as free as possible from a) bitching about my pain/disability, and b) talking about specifics of my workers comp case. Partially out of pride, partially because nobody really wants to hear about it anyway.

I’m not sure I even remember what I used to be like before all of this dominated my life. I know it’s not pleasant now, to put it extremely mildly, and I know it’s a constant pain in the ass… so even though it’s hard to remember, I do miss the time when my life was my own and I wasn’t being led by the nose through by doctor visits, IC hearings, physical disability, medication requirements, mental stress, pharmacy policies, insurance companies, and now actual an actual court case. 😞

I’m just frustrated because we’re less than two months away from the court stuff starting and so far the settlement stuff is going nowhere. πŸ˜• Their side will submit their brief to the court, my side will have a few weeks to reply, and then it starts getting serious. The court will likely want to depose any doctors that have seen or treated me, on both sides, which means I’d have to hope that I could essentially “rent” my doctor for half a day to give testimony – which would be ridiculously expensive. 😣 (Not to mention ridiculously annoying since he’s already submitted report, after report, after report, in writing.)

So my attorney is going to find out how much they’ve paid each year, on average, for my treatment and medication – and then tomorrow or the next day, when I go to the pharmacy to pick up this month’s meds, I’m going to have them print out what the “out of pocket” cost would be for each medication if I was paying for them with no insurance at all. πŸ€“ With those figures we’ll again try to come up with what we believe is a fair settlement, and then they’ll have to decide if the continuing costs of fighting me are worth it – rather than just settling this and making me go away.

I’m just worried that we won’t be able to get this done before the date of the first hearing. I’m sure it’ll be (us) “Here’s our offer.” followed by (them) “Well, that’s nice, but this is what we’re willing to pay.” followed by (us) “C’mon, get out of here… we need at least (this much)” and then (them) “We’re gonna have to think on this.” with (us) “Well we’re gonna have to think on this too.” Heh… so I don’t know what the odds are of avoiding this court case at this point, but I’d think they are slim.

Zero Hour

This weekend ended up being exactly what I needed it to be. 😌 I also realized that in addition to just enjoying the company that I was with, having a human in my immediate proximity went a long way towards keeping my brain from getting stuck in the “on” position like it almost always does. (Much like how you have to jiggle the toilet handle just the right way to keep the water pump from running for hours and burning itself out. 😏)Β Now my company has gone, the weekend is coming to an end… but there’s still a new Rick and Morty episode tonight along with the season finale of Game of Thrones, so that provides one last little bit of goody before it’s back to normal tomorrow.

The currentΒ “you’ll hear from us” state of both of my attorney-led endeavors has got me feeling a bit restless again, so the first thing I’m going to do tomorrow is give those folks a call. I’m not sure that any prodding from me will make either of those situations move any more quickly, but at least I’ll feel like I’m trying to do something about it.

Another thing that I was reminded of this weekend is how nice it can be when I’m not perpetually absorbing the news of the day. It’s difficult for me to consciously avoid the news. I want to stay informed. I want to stay outraged at the things one should be outraged against. But much like the way I swore off of HLN years ago after shows like Dr Drew and Nancy Grace started to make me a little bit crazy… heh… I should really consider limiting my consumption of political news, even from the shows which present it from a point of view that is often similar to my own. (This topic is honestly worthy of it’s own multi-paragraph entry here. πŸ€” Perhaps soon.)

Other information briefs: Christina handled her first chemo treatment like a champ, but today she cut her hair quite short in anticipation of the eventual hair loss. Jim’s mom is still putting up a fight against her cancer, but the probability of recovery at this point is not good. πŸ˜” And then my friend Rick Kitzmiller… he’s got a lot of support, but complications during chemotherapy are starting to put his recovery at risk as well. 😟 “I’m just treading water.” is the way he most recently described it to friends via a Facebook post.

Obviously, I’ve also got other friends and family who are facing their own flavors of health problems (as am I) so it’s not that I’m not thinking about them and praying for them too… it’s just that cancer has a way of getting a bigger collective gasp, and those afflicted with it tend to stay near the front of your mind whether it’s fair or not. It’s just all incredibly sad, and in those times when I’m not thinking about it or talking about it, I just have to totally push it out of my mind or risk drowning in my thoughts.