Overnight Ramble (2 of 3)

After getting back home and settling in, I started to instinctively “take it easy” since these appointments usually end with me feeling worse than when I went in, just due to the nature of the visit and exam. 😯😬 But I’m not sure if it was because other parts were hurting more, but for whatever reason my neck didn’t seem much worse. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ At this point I decided to take advantage of the day, knowing that they haven’t been coming along that often lately, and not wanting to waste this one.

Obviously I wasn’t gonna go too nuts. I was just feeling that experience that I’ve mentioned before, where you’ve felt like shit for so long that even getting back to “moderately okay” feels pretty awesome. And since I’m not convinced that the kidney stone stuff is completely over, I just stuck with small, non-physical stuff that’s been on my mental list – and then sitting around, enjoying the day, catching up on some text conversations in more detail, and staring at the multiple baskets of dirty laundry that have been sitting here mocking me. 😏

I kept my eye on Tesla’s stock price throughout the day, since Friday is the last day of trading before they’ll be included in the S&P 500… and I was surprised to see relatively low-to-normal volume all day, minus the very start and very end of the day. 🀨 So it looks like Friday will be the day where things get a little nuts. But who knows, maybe all the funds that need Tesla shares have already been buying them or something… πŸ€” just in much, much smaller chunks than everyone expected. I doubt it though, since that would leave room for some pretty big index tracking errors for their respective funds. I’m probably gonna miss the first half of the day though, staying up all night like I seem to be doing. πŸ˜’

Current status: All of the laundry has been washed and dried, and all of the baskets have been shlepped back upstairs and into the living room. I’m definitely feeling it at this point. It’s not horrible, but I know that I’ve gotta be careful. 😳 In fact, I think I’ll bring all the hangers out here – but for tonight I’m only gonna sort everything out, then fold and put away just the towels and washcloths. (Before taking a hot shower myself.) Believe it or not, the motions of putting hangers into shirts and folding jeans, kinda like standing and doing dishes at the sink, is a particularly aggravating set of motions that always manages to get me. 😠 And my pain is much like your belly at a buffet. Where you don’t realize how full you actually are until about 15 minutes past the time you should have stopped eating. 😏

Oops, I Forgot A Title

I haven’t been able to move around a whole lot, or to do much around the house or even out places lately, so I’ve been spending a lot of time watching the various GOP “hearings” that have been happening around the country, and then Twitter’s reaction to them once they’re over. πŸ˜πŸ™„ I remember a time not that long ago, that when people would speak about something – those people would endeavor to be truthful, accurate, and would seek out the truth if they knew they were lacking in their knowledge. πŸ€“πŸ˜ž I miss those times.

Not only are people indignantly ignorant, avoiding the truths that go against what they want the narrative to be… but many, many people have no problem with shamelessly lying about even the most serious of things anyway, and misleading as many people as possible along the way. πŸ˜’ Being brought up right, like a lot of folks my age, all we can do is watch these sociopathic / psychopathic assholes do what they do, and wonder where it all went wrong… how they could turn out the way that they did. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ

The thing is, yeah… the Presidential election is a big deal… but some people have “chosen their tribe” and are willing to lie, cheat, steal, and possibly kill in order to make sure that their person wins. A lot of times, if you ask those same people for specifics of current events under investigation or suspicion, or if you ask them about specific policy positions or how having their candidate in office will actually affect their lives – you’ll be lucky to get any type of coherent statement, versus some sort of angry grumbling about something unrelated or perhaps just even a blank stare.

Dangerously ignorant people, thinking a single elected official is almost a “life or death” matter, despite state governments, representatives to the House, Senators, and judges being equally as important, if not more so. Meh… I’m pretty much done feeling bad for the dummies or trying to help them understand, in hopes that they’ll realize that they’re being played for suckers. πŸ™„πŸ€‘ Thing is, I’m pretty sure a good chunk of them already know that, but when they’re this deep in the game… how could they admit it now?

But my bounce back from the latest bit of not feeling great… it didn’t “take” after that one decent day, although I’m not feeling too much worse tonight. Just unusual pain that keeps waking me up when I try to sleep, odd dreams throughout, and then each time I wake up I can’t be sure which part is gonna be hurting at that point or why. Guess it’s time to dig out that big yoga ball again, and that shake plate thing that Genesee suggested. 😳 With it in my thoughts more, due to Jim currently experiencing the worst of what I’ve been through, I do know that I wanna stop this current phase before it gets out of control. A little more walking, some stretches… I think it’ll be okay. πŸ₯ΊπŸ€žπŸ»

Honestly, I’m sure that I have something else worth talking about from between Thanksgiving and now, but I couldn’t tell you what it might be. πŸ˜„πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ I’m just waking up from a good chunk of sleep, so maybe once I’m more awake it’ll come back to me. Good chance I’ll be up all night, so I may pop back in here again at some point.

Unexpected

There’s a good chance I’ll be up until dawn, considering the time I woke up today… and that’s fine. I’m already starting to get some stuff done, mainly the stack of mail that was piling up here. 🀨 First off, I’m going to state right here that from now on I’m going to deal with the mail as it comes… or at least only every couple of days. (Rather than letting it collect for a week or longer.) My procrastination hasn’t bit me yet, but I’m at a point where certain pieces of mail may be a lot more important than others, so I think I better keep on top of it. 🧐

While I didn’t receive any communication from my attorneys or anyone on the “other side” of my workers comp case, I did get a response from my insurance company. 😯 With WC not paying for meds that they’re supposed to, that forced me to my paid medical insurance to see if they would jump in. πŸ˜¬πŸ™πŸ» Two positive bits so far, are that they appear to have decided that my most expensive medication will be covered, and they also cut me a check to reimburse me for part of the out-of-pocket money that I had spent to date. πŸ˜ƒ Definitely not the full amount that I paid, and definitely not for all purchases… but it’s a start. πŸ˜πŸ‘πŸ»

There’s over a dozen pages of information, explanations, and reasonings… but I’ve decided that I’m not going to really go through that until daylight hours. I was able to pick out the news about my one med though, and luckily I did see the check that was somewhat hidden in the middle of it all. πŸ€“πŸ”ŽπŸ’΅ So, sometime tomorrow I’ll have an understanding of what’s really going to be covered from here on out, and what (if anything) else I’ll be able to collect as reimbursements because of that coverage. (If they decided coverage will retroactively cover the dates when I paid with cash.) So, yeah, that was a pleasant surprise.

And since it’s been a couple weeks since my last interaction with my attorneys, I think that after this weekend has passed I will probably make a few calls to see if I can not only get an update from their end, but also so I can let them know that progress has been made on my end with the insurance stuff. πŸ™‚β˜ŽοΈπŸ‘¨πŸ»β€πŸ’Ό I’m still irritated that I even had to do all that, and that there’s probably still more that will need to be done, because we’re essentially letting WC “off the hook” at the moment, when it comes to their obligation to pay for the medications which are still included in my claim. 😠

But the stuff from the insurance company definitely improved my mood as I was getting through the mail. So now I’ve got some extra motivation to get to work on some other stuff around here. But that involves tearing my ass away from all of my screens, which is difficult at the moment. But I think I better take advantage of this “oomph” while I’ve got it, eh? 😊

Still Stalling

It’s late in the evening on Sunday, and I find myself still staring at all of the unopened envelopes from Medicare, CMS, Workers Comp, Social Security… 😳πŸ₯Ί ‘cuz c’mon, there’s no way that all of this stuff could be good news for me. I did get all of my laundry done up, and I’ve just gotta fold the last basket here in a few minutes – so I’ll be doing that while the NASCAR race from today plays, since with all of the weather delays and stuff I’ve just started watching and am on about lap 30. Lots of good racing so far, but two delays for lightning. πŸ€”πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ I guess there’s a few people in the stands for this one.

But all this mail… πŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈπŸ˜ž I just have a feeling that some of it is going to be PITA revolving around workers comp and my insurance not agreeing which meds they’re each willing to pay for, and then I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re ready to put me through my paces again to prove that I’m broken enough to count as officially disabled. πŸ‘¨πŸ»β€πŸ¦½ I’ve been banged up for a long, long time now… and with each month that passes I get a little bit worse, so man do I not feel like jumping through their hoops yet again. 😠 I’m sure it’ll stop at some point, but probably not until my age is more in line with my shitty condition.

I can’t complain too much about this weekend though. πŸ™‚ I had two nights of decent sleep, I got a little bit of my “to do” stuff done, so that was nice, plus I got the entire living room tidied up and vacuumed so I can bring out the new cat tree that Genesee got me for the girls. 😺😁😼 Doctor appointments coming up this week though, and I should probably go ahead and schedule that cancer followup that I was supposed to do sometime around late spring / early summer, since technically we’re there. πŸ˜’ Sure not looking forward to that either. 😟 It’ll be even less fun dealing with that crap if I’ve got a bunch of SS/WC/Med/Ins stuff on my plate as well. Man… I would be so fucked if I somehow got booted from the system. (I have a feeling that my mental defect of having so much anxiety that I’m unable to talk on the phone and often am too stressed to open mail or emails… that could at least add points to my “crazy” meter… heh)

I guess I’ll know more here before the night ends…

Anxiety Dreams

Third night in a row that I had a “too real” dream revolving around COVID-19, isolation, distancing, etc. πŸ˜’ And it’s getting old. 😠 Plus last night I only got about four hours sleep again, although that’s partially my fault since I’m taking half-hour naps during the day. πŸ˜πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ But man, this “stay at home” crap is actually starting to get to me, even though “stay at home” is basically what I did anyway before all of this.

I usually pick a video on YouTube (on the TV) and then let the auto-recommend / auto-play take over as I’m falling asleep, and I know for a fact that what I’m hearing (in my sleep) from those videos ends up leaking into my dreams and influencing them. 😳😟 So I’m gonna have to start avoiding the news once it’s a little later in the evening, and probably switch over to playing music instead of “random TV” as I fall asleep. πŸ€”

I wish I was one of those folks who can sleep in complete silence, but this house just makes too many weird noises that would wake me up. 😏 Clunky compressor on the fridge when it shuts off, pinging water heater… which, by the way, stopped leaking and acting like it was going to die. (I’m still gonna have it replaced, but I’m not in a rush about it at the moment.) But yeah, I need at least sound, if not light and sound. πŸ™‰πŸ“Ί Ooh… I think I’ll break out that sound machine that I got from Amazon last year. πŸ€”πŸ˜ƒ It’s supposed to be pretty good, and it never fully made it into my routine after I bought it.

Welp, that’s all I’ve got for the past 24 hours or so… πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈπŸ™‚ Β stay safe, all.

I’ve Got Too Much *clap clap* Time On My Hay-unds

I’ll do this and that on any given day, but overall, my life feels like it has been on pause for a long time now. πŸ˜” Three big things are much of the reason behind it. Getting diagnosed with thyroid cancer two years back and then surgery to have that removed, my workers comp situation that’s been going on for well over a decade, and then waiting while my lawyers try to hammer out an agreement for the medical portion of my WC claim. 😐 So, technically, it’s guess it’s just two “big” things that have me on pause. πŸ€”

I mean, like everyone else, I’ve got a billion other little bitty tiny things that will pop up and add to the stress or anxiety whenever they feel like it, but it’s those things mentioned above that feel like they’ve put the brakes on “who I was” the most. πŸ˜• This entry isn’t about getting into the finer details of how or why… even though it’s relatively obvious, at least on the face value things, how it would make life different for anybody if they had to deal with them as well.

I’ve got a “checkup” ultrasound scan that I’m supposed to schedule sometime around the end of spring / beginning of summer, and I’m not super excited for that. 😬 My yearly check up last fall, which included a second dose of radiation and a gamma scan, went fine… in so far that there wasn’t anything to be immediately worried about. πŸ€”πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ But of course with something like this it’ll take a few return trips before anyone’s gonna be so bold as to declare me cancer free… and it’s hard not to be anxious about your future with that just floating out there. (It is a good sign that I’m only getting an ultrasound vs the whole other shpeal.)

And then the workers comp stuff, which (considering the above) should feel smaller than it does… but it’s another thing that’s been hanging over my head for what feels like forever, and as some of you may know – it has a way of being a thorn in my side almost every month, so it’s something that once it’s “solved” that month – I immediately start thinking about next month and what dumb shit I’ll have to deal with then. It’s just another “always there” thing. 😠 It’s a shame what a pain in the ass it all is, considering how great my doctor is. And it’s been the same d00d for all this time… πŸ‘¨πŸ»β€βš•οΈπŸ™‚ I’m lucky, there.

Even though I probably won’t, I could say that I’m gonna start tomorrow… trying to change whatever it is that needs to be changed in order for me to feel like I’m restarting things. πŸ˜•πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ Granted, not the best time, given the stay-at-home stuff goin’ on… but still, I’m gonna at least give it a little more of a shot. Tomorrow, the next day, the day after that… while allowing myself to have days where it’s just not working, but without letting those days totally sink the idea of getting myself headed in the right direction. πŸ€žπŸ»πŸ™‚

I gotta get out of this trap, where just because I know that some big shit is gonna go down soon regarding my WC settlement talks, it ends up causing me to waste most of my days as I sit there just waiting and wondering when “the next thing” is gonna happen. πŸ˜’ I miss so much of each day because my brain is looking too far ahead, fearing the worst. I suppose that applies to both of the examples that I mentioned in the first paragraph.

It’s not that I’m feeling sorry for myself or anything like that. I look around, I watch the news, I read the articles, and I know that I’m extremely lucky compared to a whole bunch of people. That’s all the more reason that I need to figure out how to stop being so affected by my stuff in the way that I am. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈπŸ˜” Meh… so yeah, this has been bouncing around in my head all day… figured I better put it in print so someone can remind me about this post and rightfully wag their finger at me if it seems I’m not doing what I said. πŸ˜πŸ‘πŸ»

I Ain’t As Good As I Once Was…

This has been on my mind, so I’mma ramble. πŸ™‚ If we’re able to come to a settlement agreement regarding the medical portion of my claim, I wonder if I’ll be able to eventually undo all of the damage that’s been done. πŸ€”πŸ˜Ÿ Not the physical stuff, of course, since that’ll slowly continue to get worse over the years… but the way the whole process has mentally changed me, especially over the past several years. 😞

It’s just that I’m guaranteed that one week out of every month will be filled with anxiety and stress, simply because I have to get my medications filled. 😐 The meds are required to be covered by my claim, and many years ago I could pick them up without issue – even being able to get them a few days early at times. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ

Then the problems started. πŸ˜’ Short delays turned into long delays, and long delays became even longer. Eventually the delays were so long that I’d have to pay out-of-pocket just so I didn’t go without, and then wait and hope that I’d get paid back. πŸ˜• If my doctor prescribes a new medication, it can be denied pending an IC hearing. Even when a prescription doesn’t change they can still sometimes deny coverage pending an IC hearing to prove that it’s still necessary. (Which, after a decade, it obviously will be.)

Three weeks of “tolerable” pain at best, followed by a week of worrying, fussing, and fighting just to get the meds that they’re legally required to provide. 😠 Repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat… πŸ™„πŸ˜ž Combine that stress with fluctuating pain and lack of ability, and eventually it consumed so much of my thoughts and time that I started backing away from everything else.

(Don’t mind my rambling… like I said, this blog sometimes acts as my therapy…)

When I can’t guess how I’ll physically feel, and I can’t even count on having (or being able to get) my meds to help… things became too unpredictable to continue like I had been. πŸ™ A couple of years ago I had a long phase where I couldn’t do anything if it meant someone “counting on me” for something. Family started getting shut out, friends definitely got shut out, all because I never knew how I’d feel when I woke up that day nor if I’d be facing (or getting pulled into) another hearing or lengthy process with the pharmacy.

That hasn’t changed. 😐 The concern and worry, that is. πŸ˜’ Along with my family and friends’ understanding, I’ve been able to make some adjustments that has kept me from totally isolating myself these days… but lemme tell ya, sometimes it feels easier to just remove myself from people’s lives than to disappoint them over and over again when things are bad. πŸ₯ΊπŸ˜ž And that leads me back to my original question… how long does it take for a person to escape that mindset, if that 1/4 of each month no longer has that anxiety and stress from the fight? 😐

The stress now, for better or worse, is making sure the settlement (whether an annuity or lump sum) is truly enough to cover the things that it will need to cover. If not, I’ll just be trading the stress of fighting for meds each month for the stress of not being able to take the same meds, because I won’t have the funds to pay for them. πŸ˜’ Medicare is technically supposed to step in at that point, but they’ll require all kinds of proof that I spent the settlement money only on applicable things, and the more expensive meds still might not be covered. πŸ˜– So as you can see, there truly is “always something.”

Kinda makes all the “You’re so lucky that you don’t have to work anymore!” folks reconsider, eh? 😏

Not What I Planned

Yup, like I said, last night was fun, but I’ll be paying for it today. Thinking that this would be a lazy Sunday, I made the mistake of pushing a bunch of things from last week off until today. I’ve gotta handle my mail, work on a bunch of stuff regarding my upcoming IC hearing, listen to my voice mails and deal with whatever those require, plus I’ve gotta call the pharmacy to continue trying to get my current prescriptions filled…. and that’s all gonna be a lot harder now with a frozen neck.

Of course because of the physical aspect, but also because it’s particularly stressful to be coordinating my fight against workers comp and struggling to get my meds filled while I’m experiencing the exact thing that they’re fighting me over. It’s emotional stress that makes the physical stress worse, which makes the emotional stress worse, ad infinitum… the ouroboros of my disability. 😞

When that cycle starts it’s hard to escape. That’s why I worry so much about things like my planned concert trip later this year. Yesterday, my only concern with meeting up with my friends was that I might be too tired to do it, but then my shoulder shows up too, goes nuts, and now today is screwed. If I make just the smallest misstep, things can go downhill so quickly.

So I’m gonna wait a little longer for the morning meds to kick in, then I’ll start slowly tackling this stuff. But ugh… cringing about what else the mail might contain, cringing about what the voice mails might say, cringing about yet another hearing that will determine the quality of my life for the indefinite future… it would just be nice if I felt like I had some control of where my life is heading.

It’s probably partially my fault for not dealing with stuff as it showed up, but again I made the mistake of thinking that because I felt okay on those particular days that I’d feel okay today when I planned to deal with everything. Meh… I have very little control over how this will all turn out, so I might as well just power through it as best as I can and then give it up to God. And yeah… this counts as a negative post.