Oh? How So?

Went to my mandated WC evaluation today. πŸ˜’ Similar to what I’ve been through before, but different. He doesn’t read the medical reports of any of the people he will be seeing until after he talks to them. He also goes over all of people’s current medical conditions, even ones not under the “allowed conditions” of the claim. He said it was his job to evaluate all of the meds and how they may interact with each other, good or bad. πŸ‘¨πŸ»β€βš•οΈπŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ I’m not sure why WC would want him to do that, and I’ll admit that it kept me trying to figure out which angles he might possibly consider using to “get me” like other doctors have tried before. 🀨

He was an older guy, and was like 90% friendly and fine, with the last 10% feeling like there was “something else” behind it. πŸ€” I just know that it’s in both of our interests to be friendly, cooperative… just “how a person should act” with any other person. So in general, it was honestly fine. He repeated it a few times, and he stuck to it – saying that he wouldn’t ask me to do anything that would hurt. Now, they all say that, but in order to effectively demonstrate the “broken” – the side effect is that it usually requires additional pain.

He had me list all of the meds I’m currently taking, regardless of which doctor prescribed it. But with each one, he did want to know why it was being prescribed to me… which also seems reasonable. When we got to the meds that my shrink is currently prescribing, and what he has prescribed in the past and is possibly considering in the future… I explained that it’s really only the current two that seem beneficial to me, and that I didn’t care to try a bunch of new med combinations while dealing with thyroid / cancer issues, that I’ve experienced bad side effects, etc. 😐 Β Just continuing the story like I had been…

Somewhere around that point he says, “I think you’re trying to be clever.”Β  πŸ˜’Β  Umm… excuse me???

My inner voice immediately shouted “And what the fuck is THAT supposed to mean exactly?” because it definitely felt like a random shitty comment that didn’t have any place in the current conversation. 😠 I was truthfully answering all the shit he was asking, so I don’t know what made him say that. But whatever other question he asked as he said that, I answered it – but in the same breath followed it up with “…and what do you mean, I’m being clever. 😠 Strongly encouraging him to elaborate. (Thank you, brain, for allowing an on-the-fly, split-second, non-“fuck”-containing translation from thought to words.)

He questioned why my shrink would be prescribing this or that script (the same way I questioned it) so I don’t know if he thought I was making excuses or what… but I explained, “People look at doctors as an authority figure. I try to trust my doctors. So when my primary care says I should give counseling a try, I did. When the counselor suggested that I give the ‘pill shrink’ a try, I did. But when he started or wanted to prescribe me things that didn’t seem to fit with any symptoms I was having, I made the choice to not take them. Or if I did try one that I thought could help, I tried to wait out the side effects and wasn’t able to.”

Keep in mind… none of this has anything to do with my workers comp claim. And when someone is happily cooperating and truthfully volunteering their entire current medical history, that’s not when a doctor should reply with something that sounds like a vague negative accusation of something. πŸ˜• And for what it’s worth, I am clever… heh… but that’s neither here nor there. Thankfully that ended up being the only really out-of-place thing that he said, as he moved on to taking various measurements.

Ended up being there for an hour and a half. πŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈΒ Rehashing how the original injury happened for the umpteenth time, talking about the tests, PT, and treatment before and after the surgery… everything that’s already in my file… but whatever, if that’s how he wants to gain the info. And about my knee hurting, my neck / shoulder slowly getting worse, he asked if there was something specific that happened to cause them to hurt more… which is a fair question… so it felt like “No, there’s wasn’t anything that happened to trigger it, but I wish I knew.” wasn’t a helpful answer to him, and definitely not a helpful answer for my case. But that’s how shit works sometimes, and he (and everyone else) knows that… injury / surgery sites will get worse over time, and sometimes knees and backs are fine one day and fucked the next. No inciting incident required.

I didn’t let his “clever” comment change how I answered or did anything, but it did change my mood about the whole thing and made my nausea instantly worse. 😟 Reminded me that this is just part of the game where everyone smiles, does what they’re supposed to, and then goes their own way – likely to never encounter each other again. But like I said, compared to others, he was fine. Unless he ends up writing a shitty report that screws me over – because I truly didn’t get the feeling that he had any problems with my current WC-related treatment. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ (But if that does happen, and I have to see him again, that’s when he mayΒ actually get to see me “thinking that I’m clever” – because at that point, why not?) 😏 Guess I’ll know how this visit went a few weeks from now, when I randomly check the mail and find another Industrial Commission Hearing notice. πŸ™„

It’s just starting to feel like it’s about time for more of that nonsense.

Something Like That

This heatwave that we’re currently going through… it’s a pretty good way to explain how I’ve been feeling over the past few days. Just go outside, walk around your property for about 15 minutes, then stand there a while… and that’s basically how I’ve been feeling each day all day. Again, not bitching, just trying to describe it in a way that people can understand.

Thankfully I’m almost half way through the process, so at least there’s a light at the end of the tunnel that I can look forward to. No matter what results I get, at least I can get back on my thyroid meds after the scan has been completed. It makes me feel bad for folks who have suffered with thyroid issues all of their lives, because the constant nausea, overheating, and dizziness… it’s no joke. Not thrilled that it has been made crystal clear that this will indeed be a medication that I’ll be taking for the rest of my life though.

I’m a cheap-ass, so I usually wouldn’t do this, but last night I turned the thermostat all the way down to 68 when I went to bed. I knew I’d be sleeping at least part way into the day and the house would heat up quickly, but despite it staying that cool in the house – I woke up early and completely drenched in sweat again. (Also… gross.) That’s why I mention how far along I am in the process… because if I didn’t know that there was an end to this, it would be some scary shit.

I’ve been drinking a lot more water, so the muscle spasms and dehydration hopefully won’t become an issue. It’s pretty shitty though, that the insurance industry has decided that this is an acceptable thing for patients to go through while preparing for their second radiation dosage. The alternative way, staying on your meds and just getting two injections before the scan… that costs several thousand dollars, so I guess you can’t blame them for trying to find somewhere to cut costs in what has likely been a very expensive surgery.

Again though, knowing that this is a temporary thing for me, it really makes me feel for those folks who don’t have insurance at all, and even for the people that do but have a chronic condition that still isn’t covered by their plan for whatever reason. As with most things like this, it’s something that we don’t think much about until it starts to affect us personally. So, yeah… still feeling super awful… and I feel like it’s continuing to slowly get worse, but I’ll be good as long I just keep reminding myself…

“It’s only temporary. It’s the lack of meds, not anything more scary. You’ll have more answers soon. Just (n) more days and this will all be over. Consider yourself blessed that you’ve made it this far. Plenty of other people have it worse than you, and it’s not temporary for them. Yeah, it sucks… but don’t be a pussy. It’s only temporary.” etc…

I’m trying to stay positive. I need to stay positive.

Woozy & Wobbly

Got my few hours of sleep, spent another hour just trying to get up and get moving so I could head in town… but then I stepped outside, and I don’t know if it was the heat or lack of sleep or what, but I instantly felt woozy and a little dizzy. 🀒 So despite my aversion to making phone calls, I gritted my teefs and phoned up the doctor’s office rather than driving all the way in there, not feeling the greatest.

Left a message a while ago, letting them know that I needed to get the next scan scheduled, to also reschedule my followup appointment with them after that, and also that I’d need to know when / and for how long I’ll need to stop taking my thyroid meds – and if I’ll need to make the same temporary but drastic changes to my diet like I did last time. πŸ˜•

A few hours later… still no call back. πŸ™‚πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ And that actually makes me feelΒ better. I guess it makes me feel like my condition isn’t as “Shit, we need to hurry up… call him back right away.” as I sometimes think it is. 😏 So yeah, just waiting for word either today or Monday, and of course once I get all the details I’ll be sharing most of them here. Hoping that I can make something good of the weekend in the mean time.

Abundance Of Caution

We’re down to about a week-and-a-half before my surgery. 😳 And let me tell you, I’ve been dealing with some serious anxiety issues since the beginning of this past week – and I’m finding it hard to shake. πŸ˜₯ I’m right on the edge, always, and the slightest thing will push me over into labored breathing, chest pains, dizziness, etc. 😟 So while it might make me “difficult” in some people’s minds between now and my surgery, I’ve got to do whatever it takes to keep my anxiety levels low, or at least unchanged if I’m still managing to hang on to being okay.

It’s kind of embarrassing, but I honestly need to keep myself in a mental health bubble for the next 10 days. πŸ˜’ I don’t want anything to happen that will risk me not being able to have the surgery when scheduled, and going to the ER for a panic attack with severe chest pains probably wouldn’t help that cause. πŸ˜• Now, I am gonna tell the doctors and surgeon everything that I’ve experienced up to that point, before I go in, because I absolutely want them to know… but yeah, right now is not the time for me to deal with anything that I don’t absolutely need to deal with.

Cassi helped with that over the past couple of days. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈπŸ˜ I went and got her on Thursday after she got off work, because she had two days off in a row and wanted to spend them here with me. ☺ We never figured out how to make our “couple” relationship work, but boy are we good at being each other’s “person” in times of need. And it’s because neither of us need much… just the distraction from our respective lives that’s somehow provided by just being in each other’s presence.

As for what we did over those two days… there’s really not much to talk about. We just plop down in the living room, turn on Grey’s Anatomy on Netflix, and just sit with each other and watch, talk, eat mac and cheese… heh… just “normal” stuff that doesn’t add to the anxiety. The only times it got a little rough for both of us was when one of the episodes would be about thyroids or cancer and the results. Probably shouldn’t have watched those particular episodes, but it’s also good to think about everything realistically, all of the potential outcomes – and letting myself cry a little bit and be scared with her… it was much better than doing that same thing by myself. πŸ™‚

So yeah, the last couple of days were really nice, and really needed… and today, well, I’m calling it “a day off” since I don’t intend to do much (if any) communicating with anyone, and instead focus on things that I just personally need to do before it’s time for my surgery. 😊 The doctors and surgeon haven’t give me any reason to worry about the surgery. None. But you know how it is… you still wanna kinda get things in order, just to give yourself that peace of mind. And doing that sorta thing makes me feel better… makes me feel productive, which is something I always aim for.

Mood is good… I’m hangin’ in there.