I’ve Got Too Much *clap clap* Time On My Hay-unds

I’ll do this and that on any given day, but overall, my life feels like it has been on pause for a long time now. πŸ˜” Three big things are much of the reason behind it. Getting diagnosed with thyroid cancer two years back and then surgery to have that removed, my workers comp situation that’s been going on for well over a decade, and then waiting while my lawyers try to hammer out an agreement for the medical portion of my WC claim. 😐 So, technically, it’s guess it’s just two “big” things that have me on pause. πŸ€”

I mean, like everyone else, I’ve got a billion other little bitty tiny things that will pop up and add to the stress or anxiety whenever they feel like it, but it’s those things mentioned above that feel like they’ve put the brakes on “who I was” the most. πŸ˜• This entry isn’t about getting into the finer details of how or why… even though it’s relatively obvious, at least on the face value things, how it would make life different for anybody if they had to deal with them as well.

I’ve got a “checkup” ultrasound scan that I’m supposed to schedule sometime around the end of spring / beginning of summer, and I’m not super excited for that. 😬 My yearly check up last fall, which included a second dose of radiation and a gamma scan, went fine… in so far that there wasn’t anything to be immediately worried about. πŸ€”πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ But of course with something like this it’ll take a few return trips before anyone’s gonna be so bold as to declare me cancer free… and it’s hard not to be anxious about your future with that just floating out there. (It is a good sign that I’m only getting an ultrasound vs the whole other shpeal.)

And then the workers comp stuff, which (considering the above) should feel smaller than it does… but it’s another thing that’s been hanging over my head for what feels like forever, and as some of you may know – it has a way of being a thorn in my side almost every month, so it’s something that once it’s “solved” that month – I immediately start thinking about next month and what dumb shit I’ll have to deal with then. It’s just another “always there” thing. 😠 It’s a shame what a pain in the ass it all is, considering how great my doctor is. And it’s been the same d00d for all this time… πŸ‘¨πŸ»β€βš•οΈπŸ™‚ I’m lucky, there.

Even though I probably won’t, I could say that I’m gonna start tomorrow… trying to change whatever it is that needs to be changed in order for me to feel like I’m restarting things. πŸ˜•πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ Granted, not the best time, given the stay-at-home stuff goin’ on… but still, I’m gonna at least give it a little more of a shot. Tomorrow, the next day, the day after that… while allowing myself to have days where it’s just not working, but without letting those days totally sink the idea of getting myself headed in the right direction. πŸ€žπŸ»πŸ™‚

I gotta get out of this trap, where just because I know that some big shit is gonna go down soon regarding my WC settlement talks, it ends up causing me to waste most of my days as I sit there just waiting and wondering when “the next thing” is gonna happen. πŸ˜’ I miss so much of each day because my brain is looking too far ahead, fearing the worst. I suppose that applies to both of the examples that I mentioned in the first paragraph.

It’s not that I’m feeling sorry for myself or anything like that. I look around, I watch the news, I read the articles, and I know that I’m extremely lucky compared to a whole bunch of people. That’s all the more reason that I need to figure out how to stop being so affected by my stuff in the way that I am. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈπŸ˜” Meh… so yeah, this has been bouncing around in my head all day… figured I better put it in print so someone can remind me about this post and rightfully wag their finger at me if it seems I’m not doing what I said. πŸ˜πŸ‘πŸ»

Slightly Uneasy

Wasn’t really excited to go to my monthly doctor appointment for my neck and shoulder today, but despite knowing that I was going to get some funny looks – I did wear one of the extra little paper masks (that Cassi gave me several weeks ago) while I was inside the building, since it also houses several other doctors and emergency room services where people might be hacking and coughing. 😳😷

Luckily the place was the least crowded that I had ever seen it. I waited until right before my appointment time to walk in, so I didn’t have to mill around in the waiting area with the humans for long. πŸ˜’ (Plus it’s super big, and wide open… lots of room to stay away from people.) Not many clients in my own doctor’s office either, so it ended up being in-and-out without too much interaction with anyone.

And I know, people under 50 have a relatively low chance of having a severe or fatal reaction if they are infected by SARS-CoV-2, so not only was I being careful in order to hopefully avoid an annoying illness for myself – but also because I don’t wanna end up being someone who barely has a reaction to it yet unintentionally spreads it to someone else. 😟 (Mostly thinking about whenever I might go to visit Dad in the foreseeable future.)

Appointment went well, and my doctor took plenty of time talking with me about the topics that I’d bring up, just like usual. πŸ™‚ Things are still up in the air, but I gave him the basics about what’s going on with my WC claim and what changes might be coming in the next visit or two. It’s nice to be able to spitball some ideas with him and know that it’ll actually lead to something.

Meh… anyway… here’s some HD clouds from yesterday. πŸ˜πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ

Ramping Up

It’s barely past noon and I’m already needing to disengage my brain for a little bit, before I put it back in gear and get to work on various upcoming shit. And today was supposed to be a day off. 😏

Rather than calling my doctor’s office about the pharmacy’s weirdness, I decided to just go in to talk to them so I could better convey what was going on, and so I could also check to see if my MRI request had been approved or denied yet. (It has been submitted but so far there has been no further action.) That was also the only way I could avoid making a phone call, since my anxiety re: that has been increasing lately. πŸ“žπŸ˜³

But just like my pharmacy problem reached out to inject itself back into my sphere of shit to handle, my workers comp stuff in general has reached a point where my lead attorney had to contact me today. By phone, of course. πŸ˜πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ (And it happened right as I was preparing to go through the car wash.) So I drove into the Target parking lot, turned the car off, and had a 20 minute conversation with him.

Twenty minutes of unexpected, serious legal conversation… when my brain is already mostly full with my concerns about the upcoming Industrial Commission hearing as well as the actual court case that is meant to bring my situation to a resolution. I took in everything that he said, but I need to take a break here at home for a little bit before I can start lining it all up. 😐 Right now it’s bouncing around in my head, waiting for me to find a place for it among all the other WC nonsense.

It was an overall positive conversation, but still… anything regarding workers comp, meds, treatment, settlements, court, etc… it’s still friggin’ exhausting to process after having been in the system and fighting the good fight for well over a decade. πŸ˜• And while he is the lead attorney, handling all the bigger issues, he isn’t the one that handles my case on a day to day basis, for lack of a better term.

So he said he’s gonna talk to my trial attorney, and they’re going to set up a time when I can go up to Columbus again to their main office (which is an entire floor of a downtown high rise) to meet with the team. πŸ€“πŸ‘¨πŸ»β€πŸ’ΌπŸ‘¨πŸ»β€πŸ’ΌπŸ‘©πŸ»β€πŸ’ΌπŸ‘¨πŸ»β€πŸ’ΌπŸ—ƒοΈ Even though “the other side” is the party that initiates all the complications, it seems that they’re finally getting tired of fighting these same fights over and over again. Especially since the IC almost always finds in my favor. The total billable hours they’ve spent to challenge me must be insane.

So I’m kinda in the driver’s seat right now, but I’m well aware how quickly that could change. Once I’m done with this little break I’m gonna have to figure out the implications of all of the things we discussed, and then I’ll start a list of my questions and concerns that I’ll need to discuss with him and my other attorneys about before I make any decisions. πŸ€”πŸ€¨ Okay… I could probably ramble on with more details, but I think that’s good for now. I need to sit on this for a bit and not screw it up.

Push Through It

I thought I might have better luck if I went in to the pharmacy rather than calling them, but nope. πŸ˜’ Tomorrow’s technically a holiday, so I’m gonna wait until Tuesday before I go back in and make them go through any kind of fuss, in case they need to call the insurer or my doctor to get things moving.

Next stop was Walmart, since about a week ago I went ahead and ordered a second pair of glasses from them. I was originally just gonna grab my prescription and send it off to somewhere online so I could get a cheap pair of distance-only lenses and frames, but I was able to order a pair from Walmart for only $68 so I figured that was good enough. πŸ€“

After that I made it out to see Dad for a while. πŸ™‚ We were gonna watch some of the Daytona 500, but weather came and put it on a rain delay. I wouldn’t have been able to stay through the whole thing anyway though. πŸ˜• My neck was still pretty locked up through my whole trip out, but towards the end of my visit with Dad my shoulder started shaking and being uncooperative again, so I headed home to get it back in front of the space heater.

Oh great… speaking of meds. I just nowΒ got a text from the pharmacy that says “We are contacting your doctor for an alternative med for Rx Metaxalone. We will text when ready.” 😳 No idea what that’s all about, but if my doctor wanted me to be taking something different he would prescribe me something different. 😣 Oy… looks like I’ll be calling the pharmacy in the morning to find out what’s going on, and then my doctor’s office to let them know there’s some new sort of nonsense that they might be getting a call about.

I swear, man… πŸ˜’ it’s almost 7p on a Sunday before a holiday – and I’m still getting hassled. Meh… no sense in worrying tonight since I can’t do anything about it anyway. You see how this stuff goes though? 😟 I went in and tried to get that situation settled, I wasn’t able to, so I was trying to put it out of my thoughts… so the situation reached out and poked me, like “Hey, don’t forget about me. Here’s something confusing for you to ponder all night… and you might wanna get up stupid early to make even more phone calls tomorrow. Sleep tight.”

Weekend Work

Quite a bit of mail arrived over Thursday and Friday. 😳 Enough that I don’t wanna let it wait until next week before I start getting to it. (Mostly because the piece on top of the stack was the IC hearing info, so there’s probably attorney crap as well.) It’s sitting on my couch, soon to be joined by today’s mail, because I don’t wanna look through it all (yet) and stress myself out over the weekend.

I also got a couple calls from unfamiliar numbers yesterday, and they left voice mail, so I’ll tackle that along with the mail tomorrow. Gonna try to keep today good. I just have little reason to believe that those messages will be anything that I wanna hear. πŸ˜’ Probably something from one of my doctors, one of my attorneys, or it could be in regards to the recent request for a new MRI scan of my neck. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ

I suppose it’s never “good” if you’re getting an MRI scan, and the process on its own is horrible. But given that a past scan to check my neck injury also revealed my thyroid defect, not only might it reveal that my cervical spine fusion area has gotten worse, but who knows what unrelated concerns it might also reveal. 😟 Bleh. 😞 Hopefully that makes my anxiety re: answering calls / checking voice mail somewhat understandable.

Heh… I’m just shit when it comes to getting older and / or experiencing damage. πŸ˜πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ Of course it wasn’t like I thought that I’d be young and invincible forever, so I don’t know why my brain is so reluctant to finally accept my various injuries and ailments. πŸ€” It doesn’t help that WC has fought me every step of the way when it comes to anything meant to at least make me feel as good as possible given the situation.

I know… you’ve heard all of this before. πŸ™„ This blog sure isn’t what it once was, eh?. 😏 I’ve gotta do less grumping and post more “random” type stuff, along with more entries about the (increasingly rare) “fun shit” that I might get into. πŸ€”πŸ€¨ Guess that means I’ll have to do more of that shit, eh? I have felt better than average this week, so maybe if things continue like this… with spring coming up, perhaps I really will find a way to get out among the humans more often and get my mind off of the negatives. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ

The opposing side in my WC case has already used bogus “Look! He’s doing stuff!” types of accusations, so I’ll have to find a way to get past that concern. πŸ˜• The thing is, if they weren’t accusing me of doing too much, they’d be accusing me of not doing enough, not trying to get better… so, basically, I’m the “bad guy” no matter what I do. πŸ™„ I may as well try to put a little more “living” in my life, no?

But yeah, new plan: I have to post one good/random thing for each “bleh” thing that I post. 😏 Hold me to it.

Hope

These are small accomplishments, but today I was able to hang/fold all the laundry and put it away, do up the current small stack of bills, tidy up the living room pretty well, and put away the stuff from the bags of groceries that have been sitting on my kitchen counters since whenever I last went shopping. (All things that, for various reasons, usually manage to tweak my neck and/or shoulder to some extent when I do them.)

Now, I’m still feelin’ it… but not as bad as I normally would be. I don’t know whether to credit that to the med adjustment that my doctor started yesterday, or if I’m just having a good spell following a really bad one. I just figured that I complain enough here about the bad times that it’s only fair to mention the ones that seem good. But yeah, it’s only one day… and I know by now to not get too excited about it.

(Sometimes I feel like Hawkeye in this scene… when I have an unexpected, mostly pain-free day… 😞)

It would be nice if things could stay like this a while. It’s the right balance. This will sound strange, but it wouldn’t be good to feel zero pain. πŸ€” Like, say that you couldn’t detect heat or cold in your hands… there’s a good chance you’d end up burning yourself while cooking because you wouldn’t know it was happening. Same with my neck. Stuff isn’t “right” in there, and I have a feeling that the upcoming MRI will show that… and the pain, as annoying as it is, makes sure that I don’t do anything to make it worse.

Pretty sure I’m still gonna wake up tomorrow with my neck effed like usual though. πŸ˜πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ