Self-Inflicted

The past several days have been remarkably the same for me, so I’ve actually gotten into a flow… albeit an annoying one, since my body is still giving me a hard time. ๐Ÿ˜’ But I’ve been able to build up the energy to do a limited amount of “whatever” each day, but I also completely crash after I finish whatever it is that I was doing. So I just kinda have to go into each “thing” with that in mind…

It’s embarrassing being this worn down all the time. ๐Ÿ˜ž It’s not being lazy, but it sure looks like being lazy. As I’ve described to others, it’s like I wake up each day with only 10% – 15% in my battery, and once I use it up it’s just gone. That leads to unintentionally falling asleep for several hours during the day, and then only being able to sleep about that same amount that night – effectively splitting one 24 period into what feels like two “days” for me, with the second “day” consisting of me not being worth a shit.

But I’ve chosen my projects wisely over the past couple of weeks… getting all my laundry done and put away, the kitchen, living room, and bathroom all cleaned, I did a huge grocery shopping session today and put it all away, plus several other things that I needed to do like changing light bulbs in several ceiling fixtures. ๐Ÿ˜– And let me tell you, having only one arm that I can raise above my head… removing heavy glass light covers and screwing in several bulbs was the most difficult (painful) thing I’ve done in a long time. With my ill-advised Memorial Day Walmart shopping trip being a close second. ๐Ÿ˜

I actually went to Logan instead of the one in Lancaster, because I feel like I “fit” more with the Logan people at the moment. Heh… that sounds bad, but it’s accurate… I’ve never seen so many grumpy looking average shlubs in a store at one time. It actually made it easier to shop… looking around at all these people who looked like they were significantly more annoyed than me to have to be there. ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ

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Who Invited You

As I suspected, I had fun… but it wiped me out. We all ended up staying there for about an hour and a half, dodging the rain under the shelter house now and then as needed. Unfortunately, Aunt Sharon forgot to bring her packet of pictures. ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜‘ She asked if I would come out towards the end of the week to take her to see Mom anyway, so I’ll just grab them from her then and figure out what she wants to do with everything.

Lemme see if I can remember who all was there. ๐Ÿค” Me, Sharon, Jim, Vicki, Toni, Wendi, Gloria, Jamie, Chris, Me, Matt, Anna, Jamie, and Mark. ๐Ÿ˜ณ I think that’s it, although it felt like more people than that at times. I tried to absorb as many people’s stories as possible while they were talking, but you know how it is. ๐Ÿ˜ It was nice though. And they made a bit of a fuss about me showing up at one of the family “things” since I often don’t, but it was all in fun… and they’re not wrong. ๐Ÿ˜…

I allowed myself to zone out as I watched the ducks, geese, and babies every now and then. ๐Ÿ˜ต๐Ÿฆ†๐Ÿฆ† All of the critters helped to make it sort of peaceful once you reached the edge of where all the picnic tables are. I even sat right next to some geese for a minute and none of them tried to give me the business. ๐Ÿ˜„ But I’m back home now and trying to get back into “home” mode, and at least right now I’m looking optimistically towards tomorrow and some of the things that I want to do.

Stop Typing and Get Ready

When I talked to Aunt Sharon yesterday, she mentioned that she had finished writing what she wanted for her “family history” project that she’s been working on. I think it’s going to be a brief scrapbook or storybook from her, Mom, and Uncle Jay’s childhood. ๐Ÿ™‚ It started with us just talking about how so many old photos are unlabeled, and sometimes difficult to figure out who’s who and what’s going on, so she decided that she would start writing down memories that would then go with certain pictures, to eventually be assembled into a document that she could print and share.

It sounds like the writing is done, it’s been typed into a word document, and now she just needs to have the matching photos scanned and put into the it… and I think that’s where I’m supposed to come in. ๐Ÿคจ It shouldn’t be too much trouble to do, it’s just getting the oomph to spend an afternoon over there talking it all through and making sure each picture is positioned with the right story. ๐Ÿค“๐Ÿ”Ž๐Ÿ“• I mean, I absolutely love the idea, so all of us “younger” people will get to hear the stories and see the things that we might not have known about otherwise… so hopefully it all comes together.

If nothing else, at least I’ll be able to scan all of the pics that she gives me today, kinda like how I just did with all of the photos (of Mom) that she loaned me a few weeks back. I’d love to snap my fingers and have every old photo just magically appear on my hard drive, but at least as we do this little bits at a time they’ll start getting archived and saved for future Shepherd / Riecky / Snead / Batina / Klingler / Burnside / Meridith / Orlowicz generations to see. ๐Ÿ˜

Oy… somebody send me some energy plz. ๐Ÿ˜ฅ This is probably gonna be rough.

Home Stretch

I’m writing this particular entry at 6:00a because yesterday kicked my ass, and I ended up falling asleep around 8:00p last night… which, honestly, I don’t even remember happening. ๐Ÿ˜ I guess that serves as proof (?) of how I have a limited battery when it comes to certain types of activities.

Yesterday afternoon was my appointment with the estate attorney, which I hope will be one of the last times that I have to see him. He was nice as usual, and it seemed that his lack of focus on my particular needs was based more on his full plate rather than anything intentional. I’m not excusing it, the way my calls went unanswered, but I’ve made my share of mistakes or slight delays in the process as well, so it just is what it is.

Everything is going to wind down now, finally, and with the exception of a little paperwork and an appearance before the court (for Steve, not me) there’s not much else that I’m likely going to have to do. I only have to wait a few days to make sure the figures that I’ve got are kosher, and then that’ll pretty much be that.

But yesterday… heh… I thought I was gonna be able to go in there and wrap things up in like ten minutes, but of course things are never that simple when lawyers and courts are involved. ๐Ÿ™„ I didn’t think I’d have to bring all of the shit I’ve compiled over the past year and a half, so I had to also run over to the bank, run back home for some stuff, and then back there to drop off the remaining paperwork. A little more work at home, preparing some paperwork and stuff I have to mail out, and *ploop*ย … I was out. ๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜ด

Decompressing

Heh… I was a bit stressed last night when I was making those last couple of posts, but I’m feeling better after getting a decent amount of sleep and then just chilling for the better part of the day today. Unpacked the food and my clothes from the trip, along with a couple folders of paperwork that I took and worked on during the evenings until I fell asleep… so I wasn’t completely worthless today. ๐Ÿ˜

I’ve also made some small first steps towards feeding my inner creative nerd sometime… downloading a couple of particle physics sandbox type programs, a voxel ray tracing program, the Algadoo motion physics toy, a couple of basic flight simulators, and re-downloaded the 3D home design program that I used a couple of years ago to model the inside of the house when it still belonged to my grandparents. ๐Ÿค“

So all of those goodies are installed and waiting for me, should I ever find the time to sit and just dick around on the laptop. ๐Ÿค” I think I might also look for something that can help me create some sort of stereoscopic shit as well, while I wait for my replacement 360 cam to get here next month. Oh, and I’ve also been playing around with long exposure and higher frame rate time-lapse videos to get some light-streaking effects.

Unpredictable

It’s been a pretty bleh weekend so far. Had trouble sleeping during the week, getting 3-5 hours on average each day/night, then on Friday night I slept for 16 hours. ๐Ÿ˜ณ Sounds great in theory, but then I ended up staying awake until almost dawn today… and to top it off, I was gifted with horrible, horrible nightmares. ๐Ÿ˜ž Not “boogeyman” type dreams, but more of the “family-based” variety. So I woke up a bit after 12p today with the energy of a boiled potato.

But yesterday, even though I had enough sleep where I could have done it, I just couldn’t make myself go to the Sweet Corn Festival to do the traditional “walkin’ around” with Jim and other friends. The cool weather and constant drizzle didn’t help, but I just didn’t have it in me anyway – so maybe the crap weather was a blessing. ๐Ÿ˜’

I’m probably going to drop even further off the radar today than I usually am, so I can hopefully shake off the crappy residual feeling from my dreams by watching the NASCAR double-header… and by possibly doing some random chores around the house during the commercial breaks. ๐Ÿค” It would be nice to start the week a little bit ahead of the game, especially since I never know how my sleep will go anymore.

For the record, there were some good moments over the past several days, and I’ll probably get around to mentioning them at some point… but now is not that time.

Why Am I The Way That I Am

Sometimes I get down on myself for being as screwed up as I am, often without any way for me to control it, but today I was reminded that I could be a hell of a lot worse. I don’t know if “worse” is the right word… but I sure know that I’m different than what I saw on display from so many people on Twitter and FB over the past 24 hours.

For Mom it just came naturally, but for me it takes a considerable amount of energy… but I still do it. I approach each day without judging people unfairly, and when I go into a new situation I keep an open mind and I give people a chance or the benefit of the doubt by default. And even if those people do end up letting me down or screwing me over, or if I find out that someone is pulling some bullshit on someone else, I don’t make it my absolute priority to find an outlet to shout and tell everyone what worthless pieces of shit they all are.

Look, I’m not wanting any fucking cookies or anything… but I can honestly say that I go out of my way each day to be polite, kind, considerate, respectful, empathic, helpful, forgiving, entrusting… generally just acting the way that humans are supposed to act towards each other, at least as far as my anxiety issues will allow it. That’s why it’s hard for my brain to process how the humans can be so nasty, so quickly, with so little facts, when it comes to things like that Joel Osteen issue from the past few days.

People screaming to the world, with such passion and need to do so, about something that they’re only postulating about at best. What the hell is wrong with these people? How did they get that way? Were they once like me, and just ran out of energy from trying to “act right” themselves, while getting emotionally smacked down from their own experiences along with the things that they’ve witnessed in their lifetime? As weak as I can be at times… how is it that I’m able to stay different from them?

It would probably be a lot easier if I was one of those jerky, mouthy, angry people. Where facts aren’t important, and neither are other people’s feelings or opinions. But I’m glad that’s not how I was raised. Somehow Mom and Dad prevented me from becoming just another generic asshole to encounter along the landscape and I have to think that the world is better for it, even with the extra weight that I sometimes feel from it.