Sometimes when you hear people talk about emotionally abusive relationships, they might say “Well, she knew what she was getting into when she got with him.” which implies that it’s the victim’s fault. 😟 But what I see is someone who may have been willing to give someone chance after chance to prove they weren’t that emotionally abusive person, because they care about the person and want to believe that things could change.
Well, sometimes they don’t change. 😔 And eventually, even though it’s difficult, even though you care about that person, if their actions are really messing you up… you do have to take responsibility for how you allow yourself to be treated and get yourself out of that situation. That person might actually even care for you as well, but if it doesn’t prevent them from saying or doing hurtful things, why would a person want to keep subjecting themselves to it?
They may not realize how much what they are doing is affecting you, or they might not even realize that they are doing it at all. 😐 Who knows… they might know exactly what it’s doing but not be able to stop themselves from doing it. No matter the case, you have to do what’s right for you, even if that makes you “the bad guy” in their eyes. And if they don’t think that what they’re doing is that bad, then “the bad guy” is exactly the way you’ll seem to them. 😒
*sigh* … 😞 and in almost all of those types of cases, it didn’t have to be that way…
Despite all my bitching, I can at least say that I’m doing better than I was several months ago – at least regarding my anxiety, my “twitchy”, and whatever other random weird mental things affect me. 😵 I’m obviously going to have setbacks, where I kinda just retreat into my shell(like today), but considering that just a few months ago I wasn’t talking to hardly any of my friends, wasn’t really visiting with Mom and Dad, had no desire to do pretty much anything… where I’m at right now is objectively better, even though a lot of times it doesn’t feel that way to me.
But I’ve been back on email with Dad for a couple months now, after essentially abandoning email as a whole over a year ago… and I know, it sounds weird, and it’s even harder to explain how “anxiety” and “email” can go together… but yeah, more emails, more visits, reaching out to friends – slowly, one at a time… I’m doing so much more than I was able to or wanted to do just a handful of months ago.
I don’t necessarily like admitting how messed up my brain can be, but what can I do? It’s me. 😐 So I think it’s fair to look at my slow but steady progress on these dumb, sometimes inexplicable anxiety issues and feel at least a bit better about it. I know I don’t function like a “normal” human, not by any stretch of the definition… and I know that my occasional communication drop-outs or disappearances by me are still frustrating and hard for friends and family to understand – but they pretty much “get me” now, at least as best as I can be “gotten” I suppose.
Hmm… this counts as posting something positive, right? 🤷🏻♂️ (Even though today is fucked. 😏)
Made the mistake of sleeping in my bed last night. Originally I thought that the cushion of the mattress would help, but after waking up worse this morning – I’m pretty sure it’s because my butt sinks down into the mattress (like it’s supposed to) but that means there’s also constant pressure on the area where that nerve is acting up. 😣 Sitting on the hard floor, which you’d think would be bad, is the one way that I can get the pain to stop… so I’ve gotta think about how I wanna try to sleep tonight. 🤔😔
Haven’t decided what I’m going to do with my day today, but I’m 99% sure that not only will I not be going anywhere, but I’ll also probably spend most of my time on my ass, on the floor, in the living room. 🤷🏻♂️ I’m gonna give this until Thursday morning to show some improvement, and if it hasn’t by then I’ll probably go ahead and go to the ER. Gawd I hate the ER… 😒
Okay, so I’m not totally doing nothing with my day today. Along with a little bit of this and that, here and there, I also just talked with the guy who runs the landscaping company responsible for mowing my lawn every week and a half. He said he’s gonna send a couple of his d00ds over tomorrow to work on a bunch of the miscellaneous stuff outside that needs someone’s attention.
Shortly after the hedge trimmers completed their job, I grabbed a notepad and jotted down a short list of things that I was hoping Jason’s crew could handle next, and told him he could just hit it whenever he had a gap in the schedule. 👨🏻🌾📅🌲🌳🚜 Along with manpower, I hope they’ll also be coming with an empty trailer big enough to haul stuff away – because that’s one of the first things on the list. 🤨 Hauling away the huge mound of clippings out front, the remnants of the shed out back, and then several boards and posts – many of which came from the fence that used to be out front.
The other thing that I’m anxious to see completed is the clearing out of the “extra” plant life that’s growing inside the pine tree out front. 😳 Like leafy parasites, there’s at least one fairly grown sapling poking its head out (likely from the neighbor’s nearby tree) and then a growth of vines that is trying to make its way up the pine tree’s branches as well. 😯 I hope, for the lawn d00ds’ sake, that it isn’t poison ivy… but I suppose they know how to handle that shit without getting covered in it.
I think I might have had three or four more things on that list… 🤔 but I’ll be here when they show up tomorrow, so I’ll just have the security cameras set up to squawk at me when company arrives – then I can just go out and meet up with them and run through the list to see what all will be doable on that day. I’m glad he got in touch though… I almost forgot that I gave him that list, but now it’ll be nice to see “stuff getting done” tomorrow, even if I’m not that one that’s actually doing it. 🙄😏
Feeling pretty miserable today. 😞 Christina’s cancer fund-raiser is this evening, but I just can’t make myself go. They’re doing it as a “bar crawl” since she used to be a bartender, and therefore has a ton of friends/acquaintances that would be likely to come out in that fashion… but me, with my twitchy social anxiety and introversion, it’s just not my scene anymore.
I feel bad, because I’d really like to be able to go and show my support, but there’s not really anything that I can do about it. I sent a message to Chelsea a bit ago, explaining why I wouldn’t be there, and I think she’ll understand for the most part. The shirts they had made for the event… it marks the third “cancer support” t-shirt that I’ve bought this summer in regards to a friend who’s fighting that battle, and that’s three shirts too many. (And that’s only my cancer-fightin’ friends who are doing that sort of fund raising.)
But like I told her, I’m not doing very good at accepting “bad” these days, and when there’s an option of being reminded of that “bad” vs. hopefully just being able to avoid the thought of that “bad” altogether and acting like it’s not real… heh… well, I think you know which option my brain chooses for me. I mean, I know they’re gonna have fun and that it will be hopeful, goofy, optimistic, etc… but right now everything just feels too heavy and I can’t be there. (And yet here I am, still feeling “bleh” about it since my brain won’t let me go. 😒 It can be frustrating being me sometimes.)