Carry On

Well, Genesee made it home safely a little bit ago, so now officially starts the time of “carrying on” I guess. When all the condolences have been given, everyone’s concern has been shown, etc… so now it’s just back to normal. As much as I appreciated the company, I’m glad that I’m gonna have a couple days and nights where it’s just me and the cat. I can feel crappy if I want, I can feel good if I want, and I can talk out loud to Mom if I want. I could have done all that with Genesee here, but you know how it is when you have company… you want it to be the best experience for them, and right now I’m definitely not the person to be around for the best experience. Meh… I know it sounds weird, but she understands.

In a way it was difficult to make myself do it, but yesterday I took Brianna to her “4D Ultrasound” appointment. She’s approaching 32 weeks, I believe, so she wanted to see if they would be able to get any good pictures of her yet-to-be-popped-out baby. At first he had his hands (and a foot) blocking the view, but after a little poking he moved around and the technician was able to get a handful of really good shots. It’s pretty remarkable… you can actually get a decent idea of how his features look, with his Brantley-like ducky lips, Brianna’s chin and nose, and the daddy’s brow line. She has already been ready to squeeze this kid out, and seeing the pictures in such detail only made that feeling even stronger. I think he needs to cook for a couple more weeks… but she’s right, the time is definitely getting closer. I’m glad that I went.

Meh… I dunno… I just felt like typing something I guess. Not really planning to socialize much for a few days. I just wanna be here in my thoughts, feelings, and memories. Of course I’ve got a doctor appointment tomorrow, so that kinda craps up my isolation plans a bit, but it’s one where I don’t really have a choice. Not really sure what I’m gonna do other than that, but after the weekend I’m probably gonna go in and visit Dad. I’ve got that new batch of scanned photos on the iPad, and rather than just e-mailing them to him, I figured it would be nice to look at them together so he might be able to tell me stories relating to them that I haven’t heard before.

Okay… checking out. Wish me luck. (Sorry for the lack of emojis… maybe next time)

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Unpredictable

I’ve had a couple of days that were pretty good, or at least not bad… and yesterday ended with me feeling good enough that I thought for sure that I would wake up today and probably be able to make something of it. πŸ™‚πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ But nope, it wasn’t meant to be. πŸ˜’ Thankfully (I guess) today was more “normal” headache rather than something revolving around my neck and shoulder… but still… I feel like crap, but I wanted to take a minute to throw something out here so people would know that I’m still around. πŸ™‡πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ

I’m just not likely to be very social for the rest of the night and possibly tomorrow. (Shit, maybe even longer…) Gotta try to take care of myself, and sometimes that requires tuning the rest of the world out.

At Ease

I’m doing my best to make the remainder of my evening peaceful. ☺ I’ve straightened up the living room a bit, I’ve got my new spiral bound journal/notepads and extra-fine tipped Pilot Precise V5 rolling ball pens sitting nearby (Mmm… office supplies… 🀀) just in case I feel like writing, and I just ordered the latest Pirates of The Caribbean movie on PPV so I have something to distract me from the “real” and transport me somewhere else.

See, when all I have to worry about is myself, I’m quite capable of not being a mess. 😏 But things like earlier today, where I was simply asked to a family gathering… something that I do appreciate still even being invited to… that messed me up for the better part of the day, feeling bad because I couldn’t make myself go – and knowing that I was letting people down again.

That’s definitely the “mom” in me – how it really does a number on me when something (even unintentionally) makes me feel like a disappointment. 😞 I just gotta remind myself, especially when I’m already struggling, that I can’t live my life to please others – and as long as it isn’t being done maliciously, there’s nothing wrong with that.

So once again I’ll finish this evening by hoping that the feeling continues into the next day, and that maybe my Sunday will truly feel like a day off – where nobody is counting on me for anything, so I can start the day with a clean slate when it comes to what I want to accomplish, if anything. I just really wanna start turning things around, and it doesn’t even matter where it starts. πŸ™‡β€β™‚οΈ I’m not giving up just yet.

Yup

Some days can surprise you and end up being better than tolerable, and then some days you have to literally expect absolutely nothing from yourself if you intend to survive the day. If people can’t understand that, or at least be politely sympathetic towards that struggle, it’s their problem – not yours.

Stigma

It’s out of a feeling of obligation that I am writing this blog entry today. πŸ˜’ After bringing my site out of stasis a while ago, I’ve gotten pretty good at adding entries at a rate which allows people to at least know that I am still here, plodding along… but I’ve been experiencing a rough patch IRL lately – so I’ve reverted to my customary regeneration strategy of avoiding basically everyone and everything. 😐

See, sometimes it actually does work… but often times it doesn’t. πŸ€” I’m still trying to figure it out, I’ll admit. But when I don’t have my nose in my Facebook feed every 15 minutes, at least that prevents me from seeing all of the awful things that are happening to many of the people that I know. 😟 I don’t have to see the job losses, the evictions, the house fires, the custody battles, the lost pets, the family members dying… them dying. πŸ˜– I know that I can’t stay isolated forever – but sometimes it’s a necessary step towards getting my thoughts and emotions straightened out in a way where I can deal with all of it.

And it’s funny. We aren’t supposed to admit when things feel heavier than we can bear. We’re supposed to always just “suck it up” or “quit complaining” rather than admit to and (maybe) address the problem. Depression, sadness, anxiety, etc… they are weaknesses, right? And you sure can’t allow the world to see that you are weak. πŸ™„ Yeah, I talk about it rather openly in my blog… but the stigma still prevents me from feeling able to talk about it directly with my friends or family. At least most of them. (Even in my most self-imposed isolated moments, I try my hardest to allow a few good friends to get past the guards regardless, even if not in person.)

It’s amazing how much stigma can steer your thoughts, actions, and life. And while mental health “stuff” has been a significant topic throughout my years, another stigma I’ve encountered that defies logic is the stigma of being intelligent. Or at least wanting/trying to be intelligent. (NERD!!!!)Β Apparently the United States is one of only a few countries where this is a “thing” as we know it. Where one group of society actively berates and discourages another group of society that only wants to better themselves. Intelligence and aspiration… negative personality traits. Welcome to the Idiocracy. 😞

Heh… so, as you can see, there’s good reason why I’ve been keeping my eyes off of my phone and my fingers off of my keyboard. πŸ˜‘ I simply haven’t been able to shake this mood. I’m gonna keep watch over the weather for the next few days though, because I am gonna get out of the house and try to do something. Not sure what… or if I wanna seek friends to do whatever the “what” ends up being… but I’m gonna keep putting effort towards the climb out. 🀞🏻 As always, wish me luck.

But It’ll Be Fun

Feeling pretty miserable today. 😞 Christina’s cancer fund-raiser is this evening, but I just can’t make myself go. They’re doing it as a “bar crawl” since she used to be a bartender, and therefore has a ton of friends/acquaintances that would be likely to come out in that fashion… but me, with my twitchy social anxiety and introversion, it’s just not my scene anymore.

I feel bad, because I’d really like to be able to go and show my support, but there’s not really anything that I can do about it. I sent a message to Chelsea a bit ago, explaining why I wouldn’t be there, and I think she’ll understand for the most part. The shirts they had made for the event… it marks the third “cancer support” t-shirt that I’ve bought this summer in regards to a friend who’s fighting that battle, and that’s three shirts too many. (And that’s only my cancer-fightin’ friends who are doing that sort of fund raising.)

But like I told her, I’m not doing very good at accepting “bad” these days, and when there’s an option of being reminded of that “bad” vs. hopefully just being able to avoid the thought of that “bad” altogether and acting like it’s not real… heh… well, I think you know which option my brain chooses for me. I mean, I know they’re gonna have fun and that it will be hopeful, goofy, optimistic, etc… but right now everything just feels too heavy and I can’t be there. (And yet here I am, still feeling “bleh” about it since my brain won’t let me go. πŸ˜’ It can be frustrating being me sometimes.)