I Am The Eye In The Sky

Had a bit of a setback with my back yesterday. ๐Ÿ˜ฅ The pain woke me up around 4am, and a quick trip to the bathroom made me realize that the strength/ability in my right leg wasn’t really there. I probably just slept on something wrong, but rather than dwell on it and get upset about it, I decided to devote the first half of the day to staying in bed, watching movies, and eating a few boxes of that ready-to-make chicken salad and crackers. ๐Ÿ– I could still find certain ways to lay that would alleviate the pain, so I just did that and totally plucked myself from what would have been my “normal” routine, and plopped myself into this “being a potato in bed” zone that was outside of my normal timeline. ๐Ÿง™๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ My weird way of trying to explain it anyway… but it worked… that half day of removing myself from everything but Netflix and the cat actually helped – and I was able to get up and around by the early afternoon.

As I was lying there though, I started pondering my various aches, pains, and disabilities… wondering which ones will get better, if any of them are starting to just stayย with me, and how I’m gonna be as I get older and have to deal with compounding issues like this. ๐Ÿ˜Ÿ Like I told Dad, I ended up coming to the conclusion that I’m only complaining as much as I have been because I still feel like I can recover or at least improve. ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ If the “bleh” feels temporary, it’s easy to bitch about it when it’s slow going… but honestly, and my neck is proof of this, I can learn to live with pain and disability – to the point where eventually it’s “just there”, sucking, but something I can compartmentalize for the most part. ๐Ÿ˜ For the most part… ‘cuz there’s always super painful exceptions. Summarized, my bitching will eventually slow. ๐Ÿ˜

In the evening I went in town to deliver those two Yi security cameras to my cousin. I’m obviously more excited about any kind of A/V tech than they would be, but I could still tell that she was having fun playing around with the one as she went through the setup process. ๐Ÿ“น๐Ÿ‘ฉ๐Ÿป Matt’s already running through the possible installation locations, so as soon as they get a couple little memory cards they’ll be ready to roll. It’s crazy how even just five or ten years ago, creating any kind of home video security system was expensive and a pain in the ass. There’s no way that Yi makes any money off of these cameras. ๐Ÿคจ I’m guessing they’re banking on people like me to sign up for the monthly cloud storage fee – which I don’t mind doing at all.

So anyway, despite feeling pretty rotten for the first half, it actually wasn’t that bad of a day overall – and it definitely made me happy to gift those cameras to Toni and Matt. โ˜บ I really hope that they never have any bad reason that they’ll need any of the footage that they record… but I’m glad that they’ll have those cameras just in case they do.

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Hurt, Heal, Push, Hurt, Heal, Push…

Yesterday evening ended up being bad. Normally you do some sort of physical activity, it’ll work up your muscles a bit, then as the day and night progresses – the pain or stiffness gradually goes away. Not last night. ๐Ÿ˜ฃ๐Ÿ˜  I left PT feeling awful and it continued to get worse all the way until I somehow fell asleep despite it. And even today, as soon as I effing woke up – neck is stiff, head and eyeballs are pounding with a headache still… heh… I really wasn’t anticipating it being this bad, considering the relatively limited movement that I allowed my bad arm and shoulder yesterday. ๐Ÿ˜’ Even being actively aware of and discussing it as I was going through exercises with the physical therapist, I still allowed myself to get this effed up. ๐Ÿคฌ

I got wrapped up in that “authority figure” syndrome thing. ๐Ÿ‘จ๐Ÿปโ€โš•๏ธ๐Ÿ‘ฉ๐Ÿปโ€๐Ÿซ๐Ÿ‘ฎ๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ๐Ÿ‘ฉ๐Ÿปโ€โš–๏ธ Where you’re talking to a cop or doctor or teacher or whatever… and because you see them as an authority figure, you’re more likely to just do what they say, or give their words more weight than compared to a “normal” person. ๐Ÿ™„ I wanted to do the exercises that they have determined should help me, and in “trying to do my best” (like always) I really messed myself up. ๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ But anyway – I’ve already decided that I’m barely going to do any of that shit during the next visit – or at home, where I’m also supposed to continue the exercises.

I’m not gonna give up on trying to get my back to heal properly and train it for a little more endurance, but I’m not gonna be able to do it the way a completely functional human would. ๐Ÿค• Tomorrow is supposed to be my last appointment with them anyway, so it’ll be up to me to make the choices about how I’m gonna keep things moving in the right direction. Heh… I can’t explain how angry this pain makes me… it’s a combination of the actual pain, the resentment regarding the original injury that has made me this fragile, feeling like “taking the initiative” to push myself to heal just results in punishment, spending every other day hurting and recovering… meh… I’m just gonna basically drop the extensive PT and do what I can, because prior to this I was actually healing and feeling pretty good.

It’s just one of those days where as soon as I woke up I was already done with this day. ๐Ÿ˜Ÿ Gonna try to make this headache go away and hopefully do something that can flip my mood. Apologies to anyone who has messaged me or sent e-mails and haven’t gotten a reply yet. I’m gonna try to get at all that before the afternoon is over. It’s hard to put on “happy, socializing face” when I’m feeling like this…

And I’m gonna find something positive to post about later too. Tired of being miserable.

Holy Crapola

Check out the classic consoles and games that are available in this auction tomorrow in Columbus. ๐Ÿ˜ƒ I feel like someone with real money is gonna swoop in there and make sure they buy every last damn game though, so I’m not feeling too bad about not going… but man, look at the pictures. And yeah, even though I don’t play the shit that much anymore, boy would it be awesome to be the new owner of a shit-ton of systems, games, controllers, etc. ๐Ÿค”๐Ÿคจ There’s still probably a 5% chance that I’ll somehow talk myself into going up there. I’m just feelin’ whupped right now, after physical therapy and chiropractor sessions earlier today.

I knew I was going to be doing exercises to continue working on my back, but unfortunately the folks in that office don’t understand the scope of the disability around my neck and left shoulder. ๐Ÿ˜’ And even though it’s not like work is really being done on my upper back – just rolling around on the big inflatable ball, balancing, stretching, etc… it royally effed up my neck. ๐Ÿ˜ฃ And in a way where I didn’t even realize it was happening as I was doing those exercises. So we’re going to have to make some modifications to the way I’m expected to do things. I might have to go so far as to make it “Let’s just pretend that I don’t even have a left arm.” ๐Ÿ˜ I’m not gonna suffer like this in the spirit of making my back as strong as possible… not when I’ve actually been feeling around 90% with things. ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ

Incremental Progress

It’s been a while since I’ve had to work… but all of these doctors, specialists, tests, and referrals that I’m dealing with right now – I can’t imagine how someone with a job would be able to do hardly any of it. Since last Friday, there’s only been one weekday where I didn’t have to be out and doing something related to my current medical situation. ๐Ÿ˜’

Like I told my dad though… I know that this is just what people have to do to keep their motors running, but I’m just having a hard time adjusting to needing all of the maintenance. I mean, my neck and shoulder have been fucked for a decade, yeah, but other than that I’ve been mostly healthy and capable. ๐Ÿ˜ So suddenly dealing with multiple new medical things, plus adding dentist stuff on top of it… having it consume so much time on so many days… it’s just hard for me to get used to it when I’m feeling miserable, considering that my schedule essentially used to be blank prior to all this.

It really is all headed in the right direction though. And I appreciate that my doctor’s office calls me quite often, nudging me to do whatever it is that they’ve wanted me to do, making sure I’m making the appointments with the specialists. ๐Ÿ˜ I actually need that, since my fucked back has been the only thing constantly in my brain for a while now.

Cassi came down yesterday to help me out, which I really appreciated. Sitting here in the messy house was twitching me out, so she came down and picked up the living room, vacuumed, took the trash buggy out to the curb, did some laundry… just stuff to make my brain a little happier, and so I didn’t have to push myself too hard too soon. I was also able to see Dez the other day, by stopping by her job after my ultrasound and hoping that she might be getting off work… that way I wouldn’t have to try and walk inside. (And I probably wouldn’t have, because it’s embarrassing, the way I have to move in order to not hurt.)

We sat in the parking lot and talked for almost a half hour, and I gave her her birthday/graduation present along with a letter that I had written her in case we didn’t get to talk when I dropped it off. ๐Ÿ˜Š She told me all about the past couple of months, and she was so happy with her present. I think it wasn’t even so much about what it was, but more that even though I’ve been kinda “gone” lately – I was still thinking about her, being proud of what she’s accomplished, and wanted to give her something nice to hopefully brighten her day. ๐Ÿ™‚ But yeah… it was nice seeing her again… she’s a great kid.

Lots Of Thinking

Superstition is silly, but I still feel like I’m gonna jinx myself… but I’ve actually noticed a bit of improvement over the past 24 hours. I’ve been feeling confident enough to shuffle around the house as needed without the damn cane, but still hunched over and taking super careful steps. And even though I’m only sleeping a couple hours at a time, at least the pain hasn’t been worse when I wake up.

I’ve definitely learned that I wasn’t remotely prepared for something like this. When it is difficult to even take ten steps, having my shoes by the door, the remotes on the couch, my phone by the chair, my pills back in the bedroom, unfolded laundry in the basket, the pop out in the garage…ย it’s like I left myself an unintentional endurance course to run. Oh, and going out for groceries? Heh… yeah.

I’d be embarrassed right now if someone had to come in to this house to help me, because it’s frozen in a state where the dishes haven’t been done, the carpet hasn’t been vacuumed, clothes haven’t been put away, etc… and I feel like that person would think that this is just how I live.ย I dunno… when you’re feeling good you just take for granted that you’re going to continue feeling good and so all that shit doesn’t matter because you “know” you’ll be able to easily get to it at some point.

It definitely makes me sympathize with older folks who’ve just become less mobile over the years, who have to save their energy for key things and sometimes have to let other things go for a while, if not for good. Meh… it’s hard to explain… I guess I’m just saying that you never really understand until you’re going through it yourself, even if it is (hopefully) temporary. Hangin’ in there though…

Exhausted

The experience at the chiropractor today was fairly positive. I wasn’t even sure I was going to be able to make myself go in town for it after sleeping only a few hours and waking up barely able to take a step again this morning. ๐Ÿ˜Ÿ By the time I took a shower and got dressed, I was almost done… but knowing that my car would evenly heat my back and butt on the way was just enough to keep me focused.

I’m already self-conscious about anyone seeing me like this, all hunched over, walking super slow with a cane… and yayhow lucky for me… the chiropractor’s office is downtown, and the effing Art Walk is going on – so there were people everywhere. ๐Ÿ˜ฃ I parked off of the road though and was able to slowly sneak in, with a nice older lady who saw me coming from inside and opened the door for me – joking as she left that it would be ten dollars for the extra service. ๐Ÿ˜ I really appreciated that, because I’m sure she could see in my face how I felt, and she was sweet and wanted to give me a little levity that didn’t come off as pity.

The doctor was nice (they are considered doctors right?) and seemed to genuinely care about what he was doing. Asked me loads of questions, and manipulated my legs in all sorts of awful ways during the exam portion. Did you know that there’s an “excruciating pain button” on the back of your knee? Cuz there is. Heh… I told him not to worry about doing things that would hurt, since I knew that it would help him diagnose. His conclusion was what I hoped/figured… most likely “just” an irritated disk with inflamed areas that are royally pissing off my sciatic nerve. (Which is what the “excruciating pain button” is connected to.)

Sadly, he told me to stop putting heat on it… the only thing that really makes the pain temporarily go away. ๐Ÿ˜’ I’m supposed to ice it as much as possible over the next few days, as well as move as much as possible – within reason, of course. I’m supposed to go see him three more times next week. I’m glad that he’s willing and able to jam a bunch of treatment into such a short time, but I’m nervous. ๐Ÿ˜ณ Today kicked my ass. I mean, the stuff that he did to relieve the stress on the muscles actually did work, and I was able to stand up straight for a few moments afterwards, but the goody was only good enough to get me home. ๐Ÿ˜” I don’t know how I’m gonna be able to do three chiropractor appointments, a blood draw, and an ultrasound all being jammed into one week. (My fault for not getting my blood drawn already, but I sure didn’t anticipate this back shit.)

Okay, that’s about enough for now, but don’t be surprised if I come back to this topic. It’s really wearing me down, and “putting pen to paper” helps me to feel better, at least getting it out of my head.

All I Have To Give

I’m finally sending up the white flag and giving in to this nerve twinge thing that I’ve got going on. After talking to Dad, Cassi, and Genesee about it, and after suffering with this infuriating pain for the better part of a week, I’ve decided that I better go get it checked out. ๐Ÿค•๐Ÿ˜Ÿ Gen worked at a local doctor’s office when she was still living around here, so she’s possibly got an “in” with a couple different chiropractors. She’s gonna call tomorrow and see if she can get something worked out for me… oh, and I decided to try a chiropractor before the ER for a number of reasons. ๐Ÿคจ Besides, the ER is still there if it turns out that a back doctor can’t help me.

Rather than sitting around all day and letting my frustration and anger build, I’ve decided to just stay in a comfortable seated position on the floor and get some work done… while watching a bunch of YouTube videos about stuff that gives me the “goody” feels. ๐Ÿ˜ (History about Atari, Sega, Samantha Fox, Commodore, Jane Child, Nintendo, Klonoa, etc.) As for the “work” part… just a few minutes ago I printed out the final versions of my will, living will, health care directive, final arrangements, and a durable power of attorney for my finances. ๐Ÿ˜ฏ๐Ÿ˜ƒ๐Ÿค“

Heh… no… I don’t expect to be going anywhere anytime soon, but I’ve had all these documents about 90% done for a while now. ๐Ÿง So I just had to check the details and make a few tweaks, and now I just need to seek out a couple of witnesses and visit the notary at my bank. ๐Ÿ‘ฉโ€๐Ÿ‘ฆ๐Ÿ‘จ๐Ÿปโ€โš–๏ธ Oh, and there will be no more sleeping in my bed until I get this nerve problem sorted. ๐Ÿ™„ My dumb ass… I knew it was a trap… but my bed can be so comfortable, and I wanted a good night of sleep so badly… but nope, constant pressure on that area = a bad idea, so it looks like I’ll be sleeping in the recliner until further notice.

I keep reminding myself how much worse it could be. ๐Ÿ˜ณ I try to put myself in the shoes of the folks who still have to go to their jobs and put in a full eight hours while dealing with this pain. Sure, a TENS device helps mask the pain, but that’s no way to spend your day… working for “the man” while worrying about a) nerve pain randomly zapping you, and b) the TENS unit randomly zapping you. โšก๐Ÿ˜ฃโšกย So, yeah… just trying to make the best of the day.