Family Tree

This should make my cousin happy. πŸ™‚ I got some mail yesterday regarding my aunt (who passed away some time ago) which required me to rummage through my old file drawers for some info that they needed… and while doing so, I came across all of Mom’s genealogy stuff. 😌 That’s something that Shannon has actually asked me about a few times, since she has become the unofficial official “keeper of the history” on that side of the family. πŸ‘©πŸ»β€πŸ’» Mom had done a ton of research over the years, some of which may have even been done with Shannon’s help, so she’s excited at the thought of being able to look at everything again now that it’s all in one place. And like most of us, she’s got some “bleh” in her life that she’d appreciate a distraction from, and this is definitely the type of thing that can do that. πŸ‘¨β€πŸ‘©β€πŸ‘§πŸ‘¨β€πŸ‘©β€πŸ‘¦β€πŸ‘¦πŸŒ³πŸ‘¨β€πŸ‘©β€πŸ‘§β€πŸ‘¦πŸ‘¨β€πŸ‘©β€πŸ‘¦

Toni sees Shannon pretty regularly, or at least way more often than I do, so I think I’ll give all of Mom’s papers and folders to Toni tomorrow (while I talk her into giving me a haircut) so she can give them to Shannon next time she’s out that way. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈπŸ™‚ I’ll admit, even as I briefly look through it all, it’s a struggle for me to piece everything together. So many names of relatives that I’m just too young to have known… but, especially with Uncle Jay’s help, I know Shannon will be able to take all of the research and really tighten it up into something we’ll all be able to follow. πŸ™‚ Plenty of “filling in the blanks” that’s yet to be done, but she says she’s looking forward to it. So I’m glad, and I’m sure Mom’s happy, that the research, refinement, and continuation will… well… continue. 😌

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Method To My Madness

You may or may not have noticed, but over the past many weeks – especially in the time right before and after my scan – I’ve been posting a lot more entries to the blog than usual. Even if not in quantity, I’ve definitely been ramblingΒ more than I typically do. Now that I’m most of the way past that phase, I’m probably gonna end up slowing a little with my postings – not necessarily on purpose, but because as things start to feel like they’re returning to normal I have a feeling I just won’t feel like I need to post quite as much.

There’s no way to explain to someone who hasn’t gone through it, how it feels to sit with an unspecified amount of cancer in your body, jumping through all of the hoops for the tests, which includes gradually wearing down your energy levels to nothing, and then just sitting there, not knowing, waiting, worrying, hoping, etc. 😟 There isn’t an emotion that you don’t experience, ranging from hoping that it’s completely gone – to hoping that if it isn’t gone, that you at least get an expiration date… just to finally get rid of the uncertaintyΒ more than anything else. 😞 I suppose I can only speak for myself, but I don’t see how anyone wouldn’t feel most of the things / ways that I’ve felt. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ

But my way of dealing with all of that (or distracting myself from all of that) was by posting here. Didn’t necessarily want to talk to anyone about it in person, or in any detail or whatever… but also couldn’t just sit here and stay all bottled up about it. So whether my posts had something to do with my medical stuff or not, it’s been a big reason why I’ve been so active lately. Now, I’m not saying that I’m gonna stop blogging… I mean, rambling is sort of my thing, it’s more that I just wanted to come here and finally explain.

Of course it doesn’t help when in the middle of all that, I get new “neck stuff” (unrelated to cancer) to eventually be concerned about. πŸ˜’ It’s hard to stay positive and try to get back to normal when just as you’re finishing up with one thing, something else fairly big comes along right on the tail of the last thing. And that’s what a lot of my postings have been, whether they seem like it or not… trying to find the silver linings, trying to reassure or even convince myself that I have the ability to take the good for what it is, and work around whatever negatives are left after that. (Bleh… that sounds cheezy.)

I’m still not back to normal, but I’m definitely getting there. I found out, thanks to the festival, that even though my energy levels are a whole lot better – there’s still a wall there to be hit, and I still don’t get a sign when I’m approaching it. I’m assuming that’ll just continue to get better though, because it has so far. I’ve barely been doing anything with friends yet, and still haven’t been on Facebook for over a month now… so I’ve still got a few of those types of hurdles to get over, but it’ll all come in time. πŸ™‚ I’m not setting goals or time-frames or anything like that… just trying to always make sure that I keep moving forward with all of it. And as for the stuff that I’ll have to face in the future, whether it is spine related or cancer related (or something as of yet unforeseen), I can’t let it chew up all my thoughts and actions between now and whenever that will be.

So whether it helps me because I’m just getting stuff out, or because it also helps to reinforce the positive thoughts… whatever it is, it’s just what I’ve needed to do during this more-uncertain time in my life. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ But as I continue to get better, it should require less energy (or rambling about it) in order to keep the progress going. I made it up and over the most recent hill, so now I can hopefully start to coast a little more if that’s what I decide to do.

Meh… I could obviously continue with more on this topic, but this basically explains what I wanted to be explained. We’re all works in progress, and I’m no different. And if it’s not one of the issues that I’m currently focused on, there’s always gonna be something else that tries to damage my calm and toss some grenades in my life’s direction. 😟 I’m just hoping that I can take the things that I’ve learned from dealing with the current situations and apply them to those other things when needed. πŸ™‚ Maybe get a little better with the “ups and downs” since we all seem to come with an endless supply.

Peaceful

I purposely kept myself away from everything digital for most of today… which helped me to have a second successful day of feeling alright. Not much action to speak of throughout the day, but towards the evening all of the “buzzards” came home to my big trees to sleep for the night. It was just the right kind of peacefulness that I needed. Almost don’t know what to do with myself, having two days in a row feeling so drama and stress free. Not holding my breath for it to continue, but it’s sure nice while it’s happening…