I’ve had a couple of days that were pretty good, or at least not bad… and yesterday ended with me feeling good enough that I thought for sure that I would wake up today and probably be able to make something of it. ๐Ÿ™‚๐Ÿคท๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ But nope, it wasn’t meant to be. ๐Ÿ˜’ Thankfully (I guess) today was more “normal” headache rather than something revolving around my neck and shoulder… but still… I feel like crap, but I wanted to take a minute to throw something out here so people would know that I’m still around. ๐Ÿ™‡๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ

I’m just not likely to be very social for the rest of the night and possibly tomorrow. (Shit, maybe even longer…) Gotta try to take care of myself, and sometimes that requires tuning the rest of the world out.


Wait, There’s More

The reason for the lack of sleep last night was because Genesee was coming to town for a funeral as well, and I knew I had to get sleep so I’d be able to be awake to puppy-sit for her the next day. ๐Ÿ˜ณ Which of course meant that the more that I tried to make myself go to sleep, the more it would just keep me awake. ๐Ÿ˜ฃ Sometimes it doesn’t matter how much I want to do something, how hard I try… sometimes it just doesn’t work out. Luckily most people understand, rather than assuming that I don’t give a shit or wasn’t trying. But anyway…

It turns out it didn’t matter. Genesee was actually supposed to arrive yesterday, but her car broke down along the way and she had to get towed and stay at a motel overnight until someone could look at her car. ๐Ÿ˜Ÿ When I went to sleep this morning it was late enough that they were actually working on it already, but when I woke up a few hours later she had sent a text saying that she was going back – not wanting to risk getting stranded nearly ten hours from home.

So, she got to have the same experience as me… totally wanting and trying to be there for her friend, to attend her brother’s funeral service – but with fate having other plans, causing it not to happen, which also made her feel like shit. But Tracie, just like Jim, understood that sometimes things don’t go how we’d like, despite it of course being a disappointment. I mean, I’m disappointed too… because if there’s ever been a time when I could use a pop-in visit from her, it would be now. ๐Ÿ˜”

Because Of Course

It’s been quite the rough patch, this past week or so here. ๐Ÿ˜Ÿ I have to admit though, it’s times like these when I realize how fortunate I really am, that I’m not required to show up and human at a job anymore. But then again, it’s one of those things that I’ll never know… maybe if I hadn’t gotten hurt, maybe if I had continued working straight through from then until now, maybe I’d never have turned into whatever it is that I am now.

My best friend, his mom finally passed away from cancer. ๐Ÿ˜ข My anxiety and depression was already popping the day before her service, because I knew I had to be there. I mean, I wanted to be there, but that’s also what best friends are supposed to do. But wouldn’t you know it, that same night I had another effing kidney stone attack. ๐Ÿ˜ฃ So, anxiety, crippling kidney pain… I couldn’t even move, let alone go to a funeral service.

I felt horrible, and apologized several times. Thankfully he understands anxiety, so with that and a kidney stone on top of it, he totally understood and made sure I knew that I didn’t have to feel bad. He even drove by and dropped off a Funco Pop Elton John figure that he had gotten me at some point prior. ๐Ÿ™‚ I couldn’t even move to come to the door, but he knew that, and just left it on the porch for me anyway. It’s so nice when someone just “gets it” and doesn’t make you feel even worse.

It’s hard to describe to someone exactly how horrible a kidney stone feels… but I dealt with this one for a little bit over 24 hours this time. ๐Ÿคฎ I played the odds and hoped that I could just suffer my way through it like usual, and things would eventually work themselves out. Some of the longest hours I’ve ever experienced though… and I was this close to giving up and calling a squad, but that would mean crawling to the front door or having them break in to come and get me – neither of which were viable options, so I just played the hand as it was dealt. ๐Ÿ™‡๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ

That was a few days ago, but I still haven’t gotten my sleep back on track. During, I was sleeping maybe a couple hours at a time at the most, and then last night I ended up staying awake until 9am, sleeping about three hours, and I’ve been up since then – and it’s nearly 11pm now. ๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ Everything about right now sucks… I’m so fucking tired.

Bad, But Not Bad Bad

Well, “Doctor Visit #1” is out of the way. Going in, I definitely didn’t know what to expect. I know what I feelย (and hear) inside my neck, but I wasn’t sure if the MRI was going to accurately reflect that. ๐Ÿ˜• And… it did but it didn’t. ๐Ÿค” Comparing it to an MRI from years ago, he could see more damage directly above the fusion area – but not so much that it requires more surgery. So I guess I got my wish… not that I want to hurt, but that I wanted it to show why I hurt, because I do. (Oh, and I actually have C5, C6, and C7 fused. I thought, for some reason, that it was only C5 and C6.)

It gets tricky now though, because my WC claim only allows for very specific parts of my body to be included. And even though any doctor that you’d ask would know that fused areas often end up with increased damage either above or below the fusion point, because that area isn’t specifically allowed by my claimย it may be a fight to get anything done in that regard. ๐Ÿ˜  So, even though there’s a suggested course of action, if WC won’t concede that the damage is related to an area within my claim, there’s probably gonna be a delay. ๐Ÿ™„ Again.

First of all, he said there doesn’t appear to be much stenosis… a word that I’ve learned to fear from my mom’s own experience with it. ๐Ÿ˜ณ But after spending a little more time than usual trying to describe the where/when/why/how of my current pain, he suggested that we try a steroid injection directly into my spinal cord area. ๐Ÿ˜ฏ I guess he’d inject some contrast dye first, and then while under some sort of scan – he would carefully puncture the right areas and inject the steroid, while being careful not to puncture the wrong areas. ๐Ÿ‘จ๐Ÿปโ€โš•๏ธ๐Ÿ’‰ A bit unnerving, yes, but I have to do something.

Like I told him… I can’t even explain how much this injury and surgery have stolen from me over the past decade. ๐Ÿ˜” Who I am now is not who I was back then, and I don’t hesitate to put a lot of the blame on this disability. But to have my life changed so greatly, yet still be experiencing this kind of pain on a daily basis… frustration doesn’t begin to explain it. ๐Ÿ˜‘ But anyway, he’s doing what he can, and he doesn’t like the fight against WC any more than I do, but it’s just how things have to be done. So we’ll see over the next week if it’s allowed or if I’ll have to figure it out some other way.


I took a couple of nights to myself after Genesee left the other day, and then apparently after subconsciously getting used to having someone here at the house – I decided to reach out to Cassi to see if she wanted to come stay for a night. (It actually ended up being two nights.) It had been a while since she had even been down here for a visit, let alone an overnighter, so she was more than happy to come on down.

The first day and night were just lazy. ๐Ÿ˜ Catching up with each other’s stuff, watching Netflix, and then her current passion/hobby is doing nails – so she brought all of her nail shit along with her to practice doing styles and designs as we sat there doing nothing. ๐Ÿ’๐Ÿปโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿ–๐Ÿป๐Ÿคš๐Ÿป She even convinced me to give it a try myself, so I obliged and did the best that I could with my artwork. ๐Ÿ™„๐Ÿ˜… (Shut up… I ain’t even embarrassed, but man was it tedious… lol) My “designs” even gave her some inspiration to work off of, so yay me. ๐Ÿ˜‹

Like Genesee, Cassi is one of very few people that I can tolerate (and actually like having around) for extended periods of time, for whatever reason. Day two featured a quick run into town to get some pop and dinner, and we also stopped off at the thrift to grab a bag of clothes during their $5.00 sale. ๐Ÿ˜Ž Day three, on the way to take Cassi back home, we had a short detour to go pick up Desiree and take her to the auto parts place. Someone put new brakes on her car but forgot a couple of bolts, so her car took a shit earlier that morning, requiring her to make a run for pieces parts. ๐Ÿ˜ง๐Ÿ˜• (I talked to her today though, and she said that it’s all better.)

Even after hitting a couple more thrift stores in Columbus, I really didn’t come home with much of anything. A few shirts, some batteries, umm… ๐Ÿค” see… I can’t even remember if I got anything else, so it was obviously an unimpressive trip in that regard. I did get the new Samantha Fox autobiography, Forever, in the mail today when I woke up though, so I guess that’s my goody of the moment. (And proof that I eventuallyย intend to make myself an effing book reader. ๐Ÿ˜„)

So there ya have it. Basically a whole lot of nothin’ going on, but over the course of a few days there was just enough piddly shit that it seemed worthy of a blog entry. ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ

I’m Still Here

Let’s see if I remember how to do this. (I know I’ve said this before, but…) I feel like I might be starting to crawl out of this incredibly crappy funk that I’ve been in for what feels like forever. Main influence this time is my damn neck and shoulders. Stuff has been hurting at pre-surgery levels, which would be enough, I think, to make anyone concerned – considering the location and nature of my original injury. I had my first visit with my doctor in a while, where I was actually dying before, during, and after my appointment.

I didn’t have a chance to tell him, since it happened after my appointment… but on my way to check out I had one of those *ZAP* moments in my neck, and then walking out through the waiting room I had another one – bad enough that it stopped me in my tracks as I fought to not throw up. ๐Ÿ˜ณ Good times, eh? ๐Ÿ˜Ÿ I’m going to ask for some sort of updated scan of that area at my next visit, especially since I’m right in the middle of preparing to either settle my claim or go to court over it, and whether for my own well-being or for my case – updated info would obviously be a good idea.

Enough of that. ๐Ÿ˜’ Toni gets credit for getting me up, around, and doing something this time. She only gave me a couple hours notice, which normally would have gotten an instant “no” response, but she was asking if I wanted to come join her, Wendi, and Anna at the “Freedom’s Never Free” thing at the fairgrounds. Specifically, for the ceremony where they place the flags – since Uncle Rick has had one for a couple years now, and this year they got one for Grandpa Shepherd as well. I’m glad I went, but I was also glad to get back home since my doc appointment was the next day. Hell, it could have been the stress of unexpected “human-ing” the day before that allowed Dr Walter to see how bad I can get. ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ

Okay, that’s about all I’ve got today… pics from the ceremony are up in my Flickr.


Some days can surprise you and end up being better than tolerable, and then some days you have to literally expect absolutely nothing from yourself if you intend to survive the day. If people can’t understand that, or at least be politely sympathetic towards that struggle, it’s their problem – not yours.