Inescapable

My brain and body have definitely been on pause today. Thursday night into Friday afternoon was a rough chunk of time… going over to say goodbye to my friend Christina with a ton of family around, then a couple hours sleep before heading to the hospital at 6.5a for the radioactive iodine treatment, and shortly after I got back home I learned that Christina was gone. 😔

We knew it was coming, and we were all there the night before because we honestly thought it would happen that evening – but she held on for one more day. It was so nice to be around all the family, many of whom I hadn’t seen in a good while, and I even met her biological dad… who was a really kewl old d00d. We all tried to keep the vibe as positive as possible for each other, but of course it was still really sad. I wasn’t even going to go over, feeling like it wasn’t my place, but Bri reminded me that I’m just as good as family – and that of course I was welcome and wanted there.

Meh… I don’t really wanna talk about that anymore. My thing at the hospital took over two hours, although most of that was pre-treatment lab work, having three pages of precautions read to me, and of course the signing of all sorts of documents. Once they opened the lead-lined container and used tongs to get the pill out to hand it to me, it was literally a minute until they were shuffling me to the door. They really want you to just gtfo once you’ve got the radioactive vibe.

The lady that did it all, you could tell that she was used to it… because even before the pill was in the area, she would still do things like asking me to place my ID on the tray table so she could grab it, rather than me handing it directly to her and risking actually touching her. And boy, once that pill was out and in my hand, she backed across the room until I took it – and as she guided me to the quickest way out of the building she reminded me to stay at least six feet away from her. Good stuff, eh?

I didn’t have any nausea or sickness as side effects, but it did make me have a funny taste in my mouth… and I unintentionally fell asleep that afternoon from about 4p until midnight – but that was as much from the lack of sleep the night before as it was the medication. I have to stay on this low iodine diet for a few more days, I’m supposed to not be around kids or pregnant people at all for a week, and six feet away from anyone else… and poor Maven, when she wants to sit on me or lay next to me, I have to put her down on the floor at the base of the recliner – but I make her a little nest in the blanket and share the space heater with her, so she’s okay as long as she’s close to me. She hasn’t left my side since I got home… pretty sure she senses the “bleh” I’m giving off.

Just hoping I don’t irradiate her too much until it’s out of my system.

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Meh…

Well, I guess this is Day One without my meds. I’ve made calls, stopped in like I planned, but still no approval. I guess I’ll have to start banking my pills a bit again, so I’ve got a few days worth of safety net for this dumb shit. But this is definitely not what I need right now.

Frustrating, how stuck in this BS system I feel, but I have to get my mind set for this week… getting the two injections and then going to the hospital for the iodine treatment. Not really planning to do anything today, but I’ll need to go shopping one more time tomorrow to get some more low iodine crap to get me through to Friday and then I need to have stuff around the house for after that when I’m not supposed to be around the humans.

Still have a few more calls that I’d like to take care of by tomorrow… insurance stuff, hospital bill stuff (still/again), and I should probably call the office of the shrink that I missed. I know there’s more, but I can’ t be bothered to worry about it today… just not feeling that great, still waiting for my body to notice it’s not getting the meds it’s used to, so I know it’s not going to be getting any better today.

Politicalamity

It was sorta nice doing absolutely nothing today, but then I also feel a little guilty when I do that as well. It’s a long story, but yeah, I’m kinda messed up. I do know that I need to go in town and grab some more low iodine food to get me through next Wednesday though. I ate my last two baked potatoes today (but not the skins) and that’s all that I’ve had all day. I just didn’t have the oomph to get dressed and drag my ass into a grocery store today.

All the political stuff that I usually enjoy watching and learning about… good grief, today was one of the biggest shit shows that I’ve ever seen when it comes to all of that. So much anger and hate being spewed at each other online, people mocking the “losers” who supported this or that candidate that didn’t win… I dunno, for whatever reason, people prefer to just be awful to each other than try to have any productive conversation.

To me, I’m sitting here thinking “Ahh, I’m glad the Dems were able to get enough votes to take the House, but it’s a shame that we actually lost seats in the Senate.” and that was about it. I wasn’t angry about losing seats in the Senate, I didn’t gloat about Dems taking the House, I didn’t whine to anyone about Rs doing well in the Senate… but even the bigger names of the GOP were shit stirring this morning. McConnell and Graham both talking about how the Dems better think twice before investigating the President. (Probably because their boy Nunes is no longer in charge of it, and swatting away things that could hurt Trump.)

But yeah, leaders within the GOP are preemptively accusing the Democrats of “Presidential Harassment” and Donald Trump himself has threatened to politically target anyone in the House that investigates him, even if it means shutting down the government – because, like he said, he’ll just blame the Democrats. How can you really give the average human a hard time about acting like a dick, when that’s all they see from the leaders in our own government?

I actually made a big rant on Facebook this morning… I’ll probably go ahead and copy paste it here as a separate entry that will auto-publish tomorrow morning before I wake up. It basically covers the idea of raising kids to be good, decent people… how it’s good in theory, and good for the people that make it work, but generally – the humans are shitty, and once they know there’s no blowback for not being good and decent, well, then what’s the point in making that extra effort?

Trump looked like a man afraid at his press conference today though. You could smell the fear and anxiety on him, and any time that anyone started to ask even the slightest of difficult questions – he’d interrupt them, call them names, call their employer names, question why they’d hire them, etc. Then a black woman asked him if he was worried that his “nationalist” viewpoint would embolden white nationalists… and before she could finish he went in on how racist her question was. I think he said it three different times. But he’s just one of those empty doofus people that thinks that because the question had a white component and a black person was asking about it – that he could just shout about “racism” and “disrespect” to deflect from answering the question. And it worked. Because that’s how things are these days. Assholes gonna asshole, and they’re gonna get away with it.

Sing, Sing A Song

My injury that resulted in the c5-c7 disk removal / spinal fusion over a decade ago… it stole so much from my life. 😞 Not the surgery itself so much, but the resulting nerve damage that made my left arm rather useless. There are still days when I’m surprised by the discovery of something else “new” that I’m no longer able to do. 🙁 I should have kept a running list… but boy would that have been depressing to have everything I’ve lost, all in one handy notebook.

Well, my most recent neck “thing” seems determined to steal something from me as well. I’m still in the middle of the whole “cancer treatment” thing, with the first step having been the removal of the thyroid… and now while I’m waiting for the radioactive iodine treatment in a couple of weeks, in the mean time I can’t help but be a little bitter about a particular side effect of this surgery. 😠

I dunno… for all I know, this might not be something permanent – but considering that I’m about a month and a half out from the surgery, it’s probably gonna stick. You may or may not know, but music is everything to me. 🤨 Whether listening to it, playing it on a keyboard, crafting it via Amiga / PC tracker programs, or just singing in the car or even at karaoke back in the day. Well I’ve lost a big chunk of that passion, because I can no longer sing. 😟 At least in no way that I used to.

At first I just couldn’t hit the notes at all. Songs that I’ve sung out loud or in my head a thousand times… I now sound like any other shlub that might try to sing it at karaoke somewhere, to the cringes of the peanut gallery. 😒 With a conscious effort, thankfully I’ve been able to get some of my “pitch” ability back – but I’ve lost a huge amount of my higher range. 😢 I’m not sure if it’s because things got tightened up inside my neck, the same way the skin has on the outside (due to the new incision and stitches), but during those moments when I’m not hitting the higher notes – I can actually feel it pulling. 😣 It’s a difficult sensation to describe without the listener having experienced it themselves.

And yeah, I know… considering that I lost some of my range as a side effect of trying to free my body of cancer… I know that it probably sounds silly or greedy for me to be complaining about something that many people would see as frivolous, given the situation. 🙄 But seriously, when so much has already been taken from me, and singing was one of the few things that I just endlessly enjoyed, whether by myself or in front of people… it’s just another kick in the nuts that life has decided to send my way. 😡 “So… that one thing you’ve always loved doing? Yeah, well that’s about enough of all that.” Fucking awesome.

Meh… it’s not gonna stop me from singing, at least not when I’m by myself, so maybe, hopefully, things may continue healing in a way where I can get a little more of my voice back. If I would have known this was coming my way, I definitely would have recorded as many songs as I could before going under the knife. Years ago I recorded enough songs to fill 3 CDs, which I then shared with Mom and Dad and a few other people… but I never thought those would be all that I’d ever do, at least not until now. 🙁

I’ve never claimed to be a great singer. I’ve never even really claimed to be a good singer. It was more that I was good enough, and I recorded the songs that I did because I just love singing, and trying to sound like I love singing. 😏 I wanted people to be able to hear me doing something I loved, because of how it made me feel. Meh… it sounds dumb when I try to put my thoughts about it to words. 😕 Oh, and I don’t care if anyone thinks that this is all self-pity… because it is, and I think I’ve earned it.

Setting Myself Up To Fail

Gonna try to get caught up with all my shit a little bit tomorrow. Lots of unplanned or unexpected things have been keeping me on my heels lately, but I took today to basically do nothing, so tomorrow I’ll have the mental energy to get back on track.

Gotta call about the recalls on my car, and that oil change that I keep pushing off… gotta call about the AC at the house, which is no longer an urgent matter since it’s fucking cold outside… heh… and then I have an obscene amount of mail and bills to rip into and take care of. So far the financial assistance program at the hospital is really helping out, but I’m waiting for that one bill where it doesn’t, where I’ll choke on my pop and cry a little bit as I read it.

Maven hasn’t been feeling good, so she’s all stressed out… the meds that I ordered from some online pet store never arrived, so I had to order again from Amazon and now wait another couple of days. I just hate seeing her all twitchy and unhappy, so that’s really stressing me out too.

I dunno… there’s just a lot of things that I really need to get behind me, so I just need to feel like I’m kinda turning it around tomorrow, even if only for a few days.

Mean

Sometimes I wonder if people who are married or in relationships remember what it’s like to try and keep up with life all on their own. I think that people who have been married for decades, and have had the benefit of a “better half” for all those years, probably can’t even relate to what it’s like to not have someone to lean on if they need to.

I think that’s why my patience drops to zero whenever someone in that situation offers their opinion on how my best isn’t good enough. It’s always great when you’re doing everything you can to make it through each day while handling the variety of things that come along with friends, family, medical issues, etc… and someone points out a certain way (or ways) in which you’re sucking at it.

I’d wager that 9 out of 10 of those folks… the ones who either have someone currently or had someone for most of their life… I’d wager that if you go back and take “their person” away and asked them to start over and do everything on their own, they might reconsider sharing their opinions about what other people are doing wrong. Okay, I should shut up now… I’m in a bit of a mood. Obviously.

Why Am I Bothering Again?

I’m thinking about pausing the blog again. I don’t wanna make post after post about negative topics, and I can’t post too much about any positive things that I may be involved in without certain folks getting butthurt, so it’s starting to feel like a no win situation. When part of the purpose of writing was so other people could enjoy seeing me do things that I enjoy, and that doesn’t seem to be what’s happening anymore, that takes away one of the big reasons that I do this. Meh… we’ll see, I guess.

Or I could just stop censoring myself and post whatever the fuck I want… that’s an option too.