Anxiety Dreams

Third night in a row that I had a “too real” dream revolving around COVID-19, isolation, distancing, etc. πŸ˜’ And it’s getting old. 😠 Plus last night I only got about four hours sleep again, although that’s partially my fault since I’m taking half-hour naps during the day. πŸ˜πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ But man, this “stay at home” crap is actually starting to get to me, even though “stay at home” is basically what I did anyway before all of this.

I usually pick a video on YouTube (on the TV) and then let the auto-recommend / auto-play take over as I’m falling asleep, and I know for a fact that what I’m hearing (in my sleep) from those videos ends up leaking into my dreams and influencing them. 😳😟 So I’m gonna have to start avoiding the news once it’s a little later in the evening, and probably switch over to playing music instead of “random TV” as I fall asleep. πŸ€”

I wish I was one of those folks who can sleep in complete silence, but this house just makes too many weird noises that would wake me up. 😏 Clunky compressor on the fridge when it shuts off, pinging water heater… which, by the way, stopped leaking and acting like it was going to die. (I’m still gonna have it replaced, but I’m not in a rush about it at the moment.) But yeah, I need at least sound, if not light and sound. πŸ™‰πŸ“Ί Ooh… I think I’ll break out that sound machine that I got from Amazon last year. πŸ€”πŸ˜ƒ It’s supposed to be pretty good, and it never fully made it into my routine after I bought it.

Welp, that’s all I’ve got for the past 24 hours or so… πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈπŸ™‚ Β stay safe, all.

Figuring It Out

I’m trying to not be anxious today… which in itself seems silly, as I’m either gonna be or not… but something about today being a Monday is making it more difficult. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ It might be because I have a doctor appointment coming up in a couple of days, where not only would I rather not to be leaving the house, but also because I’m nervous that the appointment could lead to additional appointments or tests or whatever. πŸ˜• It’s nothing serious as far as I know, but with my luck… who knows.

That, and I’m noticing that I’ve got a toothache that hasn’t gone away after a couple days. It’s not bad bad yet, but just the idea of possibly having to make a dentist appointment where I’ll have my mouth held wide open – in a room with people who’ve been around dozens of other people with their mouths held wide open… heh… I’d just rather not, but I may end up not having a choice. πŸ˜πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ It’s funny how “little things” start feeling a lot bigger when all this other stuff is going on, eh?

The family has all been checking in with each other in a roundabout way, where we don’t necessarily all talk to each other, but one of us will know that another bunch of us are hanging in there, so we can pass that info along. πŸ™‚ Most of my cousins work in jobs where they’ll be able to / have to keep working despite the crisis, so I guess that’s both good and bad. Hard to know if the government will actually come up with something that would really enable folks to pay all their bills and keep food on the table if they do lose their jobs.

And of course anyone with retirement money in the stock market or other investments around this time… of course nobody is gonna be happy with how things are going. ☹️ Not only do I worry about friends and family’s health and safety regarding the virus, but I also hate that some of them are really taking a financial hit or at risk of losing their jobs for the time being. 😳 Nothing’s good for anyone right now, and there’s no way of getting around it.

There wasn’t a “virtual” race to distract us all today, but one of the guys I watch on YouTube quite a bit… Steve Lehto… he’s been holding livestream discussions more often than his typical weekend shows, so it’s nice to just sit in a chat room with a bunch of randoms (while also watch something else on TV) and have some sort of “normal” conversation to take our minds off of things at least a bit. πŸ€“πŸ˜πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ Of course the topic still comes up in conversation there, but there’s plenty of other topics bounced back and forth. (You’ll hear my name mentioned a few times as he reads and responds to one of my questions or comments.)

So I dunno… not much better or worse than yesterday… it’s just the couple of unpredictable medical concerns that probably have me more anxious than I’d otherwise be. 😐 Getting to that age where I’m like that old car that you take to the shop for a rattle, and they find the rattle… and a leak… and a cracked seal… worn tires… etc. 😏 Just really hoping that I can get those things wrapped up quickly so I can just settle in to this isolation period and hope for the best like everyone else. ‘Cuz other than that stuff I mentioned, I feel like I’m fairly prepared and ready for a few weeks of this at least. (Knock on wood)

This Is What We Get

(Much rambling, so no emjois or italics or any of that crap. Getting this off my chest then going to bed.)

I didn’t do any of that battery stuff. I probably won’t. I’ve got a doctor appointment coming up this week, and that’ll be enough “out” for me. But what a clusterfuck we’re heading into, eh? It was one thing to have Donald Trump as our bumbling clown of a President when things were basically normal, but now when the shit is hitting the fan – it’s a whole different type of feeling with him at the helm of our sinking ship.

He’s so afraid of appearing weak, he’s so scared to be proven wrong, and he’ll let the country burn before he ever takes even the slightest amount of blame for anything. Nope, what we get is an indignant fool, constantly lying about the current state of emergency, sometimes because of the reasons that I just listed – and sometimes because he just simply has no idea what he’s talking about, but can’t manage to stop himself from talking.

If he hadn’t so effectively gotten rid of or otherwise chased away all of the career people in the White House, we could have some hope that there was a brilliant, unseen army of people working behind the scenes to do the required things when our President didn’t seem to know how. But we see the truth in the press conferences each day… as Trump rambles, lies, guesses, boasts, and blames… the people surrounding him do nothing. Well, they continue to kiss his ass, which is apparently a requirement of those positions… but Donald Trump is like a drunk that’s stumbling his way to his car, and while everyone knows what’s gonna happen – nobody takes his keys. In fact, in this scenario, they’d be patting him on the back, telling him that he’ll get home quicker and safer than anyone has ever done before.

Watch his press conferences. Watch how many times he’s asked a question and he answers with both a negative reply and a positive reply, usually topped off with a “We’ll see” for good measure. He’s so ridiculously in over his head, and anyone with a lick of common sense can see it. But while he’s gotta know that most people don’t buy his bullshit, I think he’s happy enough that the strongest of his supporters eat up every word that he says. In a normal administration, there would be someone to stop our President from getting on Twitter and, without any medical evidence, start naming off pills that he claims will treat COVID19. God help the people who blindly follow his advice.

Instead of being the leader of the 50 states, helping in any way possible, he tells the governors that they need to try to get the equipment and supplies themselves… which of course they’re already trying to do. He’s so dismissive of the states’ requests, it’s almost as if he feels that they are out of line for asking for help. And when he’s unable to provide the requested help, of course he blames someone else. As of a few days ago he was still giving himself a “10” when it comes to his response, and when asked what he’d like to tell the millions of Americans who are scared right now – he attacked the reporter, and said it was a nasty question. What kind of idiot doesn’t see a softball question like that coming?Β  And the blown opportunity to have said something presidential and reassuring. Nope, just anger, blame, and confusion.

I could probably sit here and craft my thoughts a little better, and give a whole lot more examples of the ways that Donald Trump is failing us during this crisis… but the people who agree with me already understand, and the ones who don’t… they don’t wanna hear it. Thankfully even Fox News has started to drop their Trump Shield and report the seriousness of this pandemic, but are their viewers going to believe it when their network has done a 180 turn on everything?

As Americans, we shouldn’t be afraid of what the next words will be that come from our President’s mouth. We shouldn’t have to be scared, seeing that he truly doesn’t understand what’s going on, nor does he have any idea how to mobilize the Federal Government in a way that will best help us. We shouldn’t have our jaws drop in disbelief every time he makes an obviously false claim and the rest of the “task force” just stands there and lets it happen. We shouldn’t have to go to sleep each night feeling more fear for the next day than the last, because his ignorance and inaction is truly costing lives and it doesn’t show any sign of changing.

But her emails!

In The Background

A small silver lining of the world catching fire is that I haven’t been stressing about my workers comp situation quite as much. Things are still moving along anyway, of course, and I did get to talk to my attorney on Friday so he could give me some updates. We’re at a bit of a stalemate when we have our numbers and they have theirs, so it looks like it’s going to a somewhat unbiased 3rd party so that they can determine what the numbers should be. I haven’t had great luck with “independent” (whatevers) when it comes to my case, but I’ll just keep hoping that things work out fairly. No timeframe.

Turning Point

Last night was kind of a “trifecta” of things that were needed to finally get the majority of Americans to pay attention to what’s going on, and possibly take appropriate precautions. The speech that Donald Trump gave from the Oval Office… oy… I mean, say what you will about that performance, but that was the first thing that perked up people’s ears to the situation.

Then the news that Tom Hanks and his wife are confirmed to have COVID-19… because some people see it as more “real” if someone famous gets it, I guess. And then all of the sports stuff. Games being played in front of empty arenas, a few players being diagnosed with the virus, and then the big shebang when entire seasons started getting cancelled. I really feel like those things combined have effectively opened up a lot of eyes a little more than they were.

And while I already had a decent amount of food in the house… at least enough where I could “get by” for a couple of weeks if I had to really stretch it out – I decided that it was probably a good idea to make one last trip out to the grocery store today, mostly to top off on some non-perishable items. Just in case things get bad… just in case things go for a week, or a couple weeks, or who knows…

Shopping gives me anxiety even on the good days, so I was surprised that today’s trip wasn’t that bad. Nobody was interacting with each other, or even really getting close in proximity. What we were doing was watching everyone else. Heh… all of us, watching everyone else, cautiously looking for any signs of illness that we thought we’d be able to see. Even in the checkout lines, people kept a good amount of space between each other’s carts. Oh, and the toilet paper situation? The aisle was probably 85% empty… but there was still name brand stuff available, and I was able to grab a six-pack of Angel Soft without anyone tackling me for it or even hurriedly grabbing a pack before or after I did.

Maybe I should have already done this. Maybe it wasn’t a great idea to go into a store for this stuff… I dunno… these are unprecedented times for my generation. Hard to say how careful or concerned we should really be, but I know I’m gonna do my best to avoid the virus – and to especially make sure that I don’t hand it off to anyone else if I happen to get it.


Did some loads of laundry yesterday, and upon finishing up the last load I looked over and saw a big puddle forming around the water heater. It’s old… like, old old, so I knew that it would need to be replaced sooner than later – even talked with a friend about doing it earlier this year – but it looks like it has forced my hand.

I’ve been careful not to use any hot water today, and the puddle hasn’t gotten any bigger, so I’m not going to say that I’m not worried about it… but I’m hoping that it’ll be okay until a plumber can get here – on non “emergency” rates. The joys of being a homeowner.

I only got a couple hours of sleep last night, mentally grumping and being concerned about it, so hopefully I’ll fall asleep early and sleep until dawn tonight. I folded / hung all the laundry and put it away today, along with cleaning the living room and running the vacuum cleaner to remove the slight coating of white kitty hair that has been accumulating. That sounds much more gross than what it was.

No energy to talk about the stock market free-fall, the President, the coronavirus, oil prices tanking, 16M people quarantined in Italy, etc… but man is the world starting to seem like a scary place, eh?

Lowered Expectations

I’m not sure if this is what I should be doing, but I’ve been seeking out more of Steve Lehto’s videos (and others) where people get legally screwed over and that’s just how it is. The unfortunate thing is that it isn’t that hard to find tales of people who have been bent over by the legal system and just have to deal with the injustice. 😠 And when a person can legit say “I haven’t done anything wrong or “I’ve done everything right yet things still go south… I’m starting to be able to imagine how they feel.

It’s obviously not good to dwell on my WC case more than I have to, but I also want to prepare myself if things don’t go “how they should” in the future. I mean, I’ve spent years dealing with things not going how they should, but they’ve been smaller, monthly problems that I could sort out in other ways or remedy via other solutions. But if I get into real, productive settlement talks… when that’s it, that’s it.Β  😳

My ask would likely be simple, although I haven’t discussed this with my attorneys yet. Figure out the standard estimate of how much longer I’m going to live, and provide me an amount that covers the current true cost of my doctor appointments and medications each year, for as many years as I’m predicted to live. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ I should probably also include an amount to cover bigger things like x-rays every couple of years, an MRI now and then, along with the potential need for further surgery… but those numbers would require more “figuring” than I care to do at home on my off time. πŸ˜’

So my ask would essentially be what they’re already required to pay, and their benefit in agreeing to that would be that they would no longer have to waste thousands of dollars on legal services each year to fight me and eventually lose. 😏 They’d be unhappy that they’d still need to cover my actual costs, and I’d be unhappy that it wouldn’t likely be an amount that considers extra or unexpected needs. Also, it wouldn’t account for inflation… but each side has to make some concessions, so…

I’ll almost certainly be required to sign an NDA no matter what agreement we come to, so I don’t expect to be able to talk about the details once it’s done. 🀨 But like I said, I’m almost expecting to feel like I’ve been screwed over, so I just wanna try to prepare myself for it. Even though I can’t put a dollar value on “not having to fight anymore,” I also can’t ignore it as a real mental / emotional benefit of settling. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ Meh…