Surprise Maybe-Plans

As decent as I felt yesterday, that’s about how crappy I feel today.ย  ๐Ÿ˜” I’m not really sure why, either. I got a call a few hours ago from Aunt Sharon, asking me if I wanted to join them at Cenci Lake for a little Mother’s Day get-together tomorrow. I was already psyching myself up to go in town to see Mom and Dad, so I really dunno how that’s gonna go yet. ๐Ÿ˜ I probably won’t know exactly what I’m gonna do until I’m in my car, backing out of my driveway. ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ Hopefully tomorrow feels better than today.

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Be Flat

I tried to get moving today but it just didn’t happen. When I woke up and started working on information for appointments and doctor stuff or whatever… I realized that this Wednesday, when I intended to go to the walk-in clinic, I’ve actually already got my monthly appointment with my neck doctor. ๐Ÿ˜’ And it can’t be missed.

So after my regular visit, I’ll then have to make my way across town, an hour later than everyone else has already gotten there to the walk-in clinic… so I’m probably gonna be sitting there for hours, if I’m able to be seen at all. ๐Ÿ˜‘ I think if that all fails, I’ll probably have to go to urgent care and (first) ask nicely for the tests I need, and if that doesn’t work (second) I’ll make it very clear that someone needs to order the tests that I need.

So rather than lie around like a blob today, I dragged the big-ass keyboard out of the extra bedroom and tried to teach myself a couple of new songs. Both of them feature chords, one of them with four-finger chords… heh… I don’t know what the actual term is. ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ Nor do I know what a “B flat chord” is by just reading it. It’s all effing trial and error… but at least I eventually manage to bang out something that sounds close to what I’m trying to emulate.

Interestingly, I notice that I rarely use my middle fingers to hit any keys… which I’m sure isn’t how it is supposed to be done. ๐Ÿ˜ณ And my left hand is just stupid in general, and almost always refuses to do what I want it to – so I end up sticking with “banged out” chords without anything much fancier.

And because each of these songs push my brain and fingers a little further than they’re actually able to go, I can guarantee that I won’t remember how to play either of these songs in a few days. And one of them is just a teeny part of a song. But I like when I can do something that makes it almost sound like I know what I’m doing, and those are two examples. ๐Ÿ™‚

At Least I Tried

Well I didn’t do that yardwork after I made the post about it a week ago, but I managed to do it today. Barely. It’s ridiculous, the lack of energy that I have right now. ๐Ÿ˜Ÿ Just today, though, I remembered that Mom had a period inย her life (quite a while back) where she was going through exactly what I’m going through right now. I don’t know if it’s related, but the anxiety, depression, and severe lack of energy that I’ve been experiencing certainly fits the bill for what she went through back then.

And I know, I do a lot of bitching for as little as I seem to be doing about it… but when you go through something like this, your first reaction is always gonna be to just force your way through to the other side, where you’re feeling “fine” again. Because most of the time that’s how it goes for people. So, I think anyone would wanna keep giving that a shot as long as possible before they’d start letting doctors get too pokey and prescribey.

But I’m making an appointment tomorrow, because “waiting for it to pass” isn’t working. Something is definitely feels wrong, so I have to get my thyroid checked I guess. ๐Ÿ˜žย (Neck MRI tech recommended that a few months ago.)ย But all I was doing today was sitting on the ground, snipping handfuls of old dead flowers and invasive baby trees that wanted to take root where the flowers are. It should have taken almost no energy, with my main focus being on using my left arm as little as possible, but instead the task kicked my ass.

Two minutes and then a break. Two more minutes and another break. Rinse and repeat… and that was for each place where I sat to do the snipping. By the time I dragged the trash buggy to the back yard and stopped and picked up each pile, I could barely pull it back around to the front. ๐Ÿ™‡๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ When I was done I sat on the back porch, huffing and puffing, thinking about how beautiful the yard used to be when my grandparents tended to it, while also realizing there’s simply no way I can manage it on my own. ๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ (At least not right now.) And admitting when I can’t do something, and have to have someone else do it… it’s something that I still haven’t gotten very good at. ๐Ÿ˜•

Oh, and that was several hours ago… and now my shoulder fucking hurts too.

Looks Like We Made It

It’s been a challenging few days again. Four hours of sleep a night is all that I’m apparently allowed to get for the time being. It certainly doesn’t contribute to waking up in a decent mood, prepared to do much of anything. Luckily a few of those nights were over the weekend, so it didn’t matter much, but I was hoping to wake up today with a different attitude.

Yeah, no luck with that.

I woke up a couple hours before dawn, was up a while, took a nap, then ended up waking up and immediately forcing myself out of the house (essentially tricking the twitchy part of my brain)ย so I could pick up some pop, groceries, and grab some Burger King. I actually went to Logan… for whatever reason, it felt easier than going into Lancaster. Between stops I took a break in the parking lot over by my aunt’s old house. The wishing well is still there, although it’s close to crumbling, and they’ve put new siding on the place – but otherwise you wouldn’t know the difference. I guess getting rid of 100 old grinding wheels isn’t easy.

Made it through the whole trip… I know, which sounds weird to most people, because, why wouldn’t someone make it through a short trip out. But getting home and not being completely wiped out was a nice change. And this time, rather than thinking “Ahh! I’ve got it beat today.” and trying to do a whole lot more, I just went out front, sat and watched the birds in the big pine tree, and kept my mind free. (Other than remembering that it was this time a year ago that I was out in the front yard playing with Brantley at dusk… until we heard the buzzards creeping louder and lower in the tree… heh)

Hoping it holds and helps me sleep, but I’m not gonna hold my breath.

Unpredictable

I’ve had a couple of days that were pretty good, or at least not bad… and yesterday ended with me feeling good enough that I thought for sure that I would wake up today and probably be able to make something of it. ๐Ÿ™‚๐Ÿคท๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ But nope, it wasn’t meant to be. ๐Ÿ˜’ Thankfully (I guess) today was more “normal” headache rather than something revolving around my neck and shoulder… but still… I feel like crap, but I wanted to take a minute to throw something out here so people would know that I’m still around. ๐Ÿ™‡๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ

I’m just not likely to be very social for the rest of the night and possibly tomorrow. (Shit, maybe even longer…) Gotta try to take care of myself, and sometimes that requires tuning the rest of the world out.

Wait, There’s More

The reason for the lack of sleep last night was because Genesee was coming to town for a funeral as well, and I knew I had to get sleep so I’d be able to be awake to puppy-sit for her the next day. ๐Ÿ˜ณ Which of course meant that the more that I tried to make myself go to sleep, the more it would just keep me awake. ๐Ÿ˜ฃ Sometimes it doesn’t matter how much I want to do something, how hard I try… sometimes it just doesn’t work out. Luckily most people understand, rather than assuming that I don’t give a shit or wasn’t trying. But anyway…

It turns out it didn’t matter. Genesee was actually supposed to arrive yesterday, but her car broke down along the way and she had to get towed and stay at a motel overnight until someone could look at her car. ๐Ÿ˜Ÿ When I went to sleep this morning it was late enough that they were actually working on it already, but when I woke up a few hours later she had sent a text saying that she was going back – not wanting to risk getting stranded nearly ten hours from home.

So, she got to have the same experience as me… totally wanting and trying to be there for her friend, to attend her brother’s funeral service – but with fate having other plans, causing it not to happen, which also made her feel like shit. But Tracie, just like Jim, understood that sometimes things don’t go how we’d like, despite it of course being a disappointment. I mean, I’m disappointed too… because if there’s ever been a time when I could use a pop-in visit from her, it would be now. ๐Ÿ˜”

Because Of Course

It’s been quite the rough patch, this past week or so here. ๐Ÿ˜Ÿ I have to admit though, it’s times like these when I realize how fortunate I really am, that I’m not required to show up and human at a job anymore. But then again, it’s one of those things that I’ll never know… maybe if I hadn’t gotten hurt, maybe if I had continued working straight through from then until now, maybe I’d never have turned into whatever it is that I am now.

My best friend, his mom finally passed away from cancer. ๐Ÿ˜ข My anxiety and depression was already popping the day before her service, because I knew I had to be there. I mean, I wanted to be there, but that’s also what best friends are supposed to do. But wouldn’t you know it, that same night I had another effing kidney stone attack. ๐Ÿ˜ฃ So, anxiety, crippling kidney pain… I couldn’t even move, let alone go to a funeral service.

I felt horrible, and apologized several times. Thankfully he understands anxiety, so with that and a kidney stone on top of it, he totally understood and made sure I knew that I didn’t have to feel bad. He even drove by and dropped off a Funco Pop Elton John figure that he had gotten me at some point prior. ๐Ÿ™‚ I couldn’t even move to come to the door, but he knew that, and just left it on the porch for me anyway. It’s so nice when someone just “gets it” and doesn’t make you feel even worse.

It’s hard to describe to someone exactly how horrible a kidney stone feels… but I dealt with this one for a little bit over 24 hours this time. ๐Ÿคฎ I played the odds and hoped that I could just suffer my way through it like usual, and things would eventually work themselves out. Some of the longest hours I’ve ever experienced though… and I was this close to giving up and calling a squad, but that would mean crawling to the front door or having them break in to come and get me – neither of which were viable options, so I just played the hand as it was dealt. ๐Ÿ™‡๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ

That was a few days ago, but I still haven’t gotten my sleep back on track. During, I was sleeping maybe a couple hours at a time at the most, and then last night I ended up staying awake until 9am, sleeping about three hours, and I’ve been up since then – and it’s nearly 11pm now. ๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ Everything about right now sucks… I’m so fucking tired.