Pass The Baton / Kick The Can

I didn’t do my bills last night, but I’m doing them now. πŸ˜’ They’re enough of a pain in the ass that I think I deserve an intermission, so I figured I’d jump over here and drop a few paragraphs. I knocked out the easy ones… gas, electric, internet, etc… but all of the fun medical related ones are starting to come in, and I want to pay closer attention as they nickel and dime me. 🀨 Mostly just to make sure that they don’t nickel and dime me over the same test, scan, procedure, or person twice.

My appointment today? Well, I guess it was okay. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ He said that the pathology reports on the tissue removed during my surgery was exactly what the pre-surgery biopsy had suggested, and that it’s the most common and most treatable type of thyroid cancer. 😐 Bleh… I don’t like using that word, so don’t expect to see it get used much here. 😷 So, it was a good follow-up, with the labs at least not coming back with something scarier than already thought. And I really pushed him for his true opinion. I told him not to bullshit me, and asked him if he had any “gasp” moments during the surgery.

Like I told him, before I was able to get workers comp to pay for my C5-C7 fusion surgery, I had to get an MRI done – with several doctors and medical assistant folks looking at the results, which showed some pretty severe damage. 🧐 And each one that didΒ look at it… it gave them a “gasp” moment. 😧

Where even a trained medical professional was like Wow. 😳 or Damn. 😯 or Holy shit. 😱

I explained how that helped me in thatΒ previousΒ situation, as it got everything approved and moving much more quickly… but that a “gasp” moment now isn’t something that I was hoping for, but that I still wanted him to tell me if it happened to him while he was digging around inside my neck. 😐 His reply seemed genuine (as usual) when he said that nothing was any more concerning to him once he was in there than when he was anticipating how it would look and how it would go. πŸ‘πŸ»

He explained that there was inflammation, but no more than he was expecting. He said that nothing gave him any kind of pause, that the surgery went as well as he could have hoped for, and that I don’t need to worry so much at this point. (Easier said than done, pal… 😏) I’m getting more blood drawn tomorrow, and he’s referring me to an endocrinologist in the same building that will hopefully help get my screwed up levels straightened out, as well as likely doing (or scheduling) this marker/radiation pill dealΒ  – which will hopefully be a one time thing followed by close monitoring. 🀞🏻

I figure I’ll save the questions about if/when I’ll have to see an oncologist, although I’m guessingΒ that’sΒ gonna be the doctor that would be doing the marker/radiation pill deal that I just mentioned, now that I think about it. πŸ€” It’s a little frustrating to be handed off from specialist to specialist, but better to have a whole bunch of different eyes on the situation than just one d00d who might not know what he’s doing, right?

So today’s follow-up… I’ll take it as a positive outcome. πŸ™‚ Didn’t really learn anything new, but learning that the labs confirmed what the initial tests suggested, and nothing worse… that’s sure better than the alternative. Also, having the whole “Don’t BS me, doc.” conversation, with the way he replied… it did actually make me feel a little more comfortable with the whole thing in my head. And so it goes…

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You Might Not See It

Despite all my bitching, I can at least say that I’m doing better than I was several months ago – at least regarding my anxiety, my “twitchy”, and whatever other random weird mental things affect me. 😡 I’m obviously going to have setbacks, where I kinda just retreat into my shell (like today), but considering that just a few months ago I wasn’t talking to hardly any of my friends, wasn’t really visiting with Mom and Dad, had no desire to do pretty much anything… where I’m at right now is objectively better, even though a lot of times it doesn’t feel that way to me.

But I’ve been back on email with Dad for a couple months now, after essentially abandoning email as a whole over a year ago… and I know, it sounds weird, and it’s even harder to explain how “anxiety” and “email” can go together… but yeah, more emails, more visits, reaching out to friends – slowly, one at a time… I’m doing so much more than I was able to or wanted to do just a handful of months ago.

I don’t necessarily like admitting how messed up my brain can be, but what can I do? It’s me. 😐 So I think it’s fair to look at my slow but steady progress on these dumb, sometimes inexplicable anxiety issues and feel at least a bit better about it. I know I don’t function like a “normal” human, not by any stretch of the definition… and I know that my occasional communication drop-outs or disappearances by me are still frustrating and hard for friends and family to understand – but they pretty much “get me” now, at least as best as I can be “gotten” I suppose.

Hmm… this counts as posting something positive, right? πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ (Even though today is fucked. 😏)

Heat Index: 105Β°

Only slept about 4 hours, but feeling surprisingly good today. I think it helps having put my doctor appoint behind me, and then since the holiday is this week I’ve decided to not worry about the blood draw until next week… but I did go in town to pick up some meds, and OMGΒ is it hot out. 😳 Miserable, humid, hot hot hot. I only have the tiniest twinge of maybe wanting to go watch the fireworks tonight, but the heat does a pretty good job of beating that idea out of me. πŸŽ†πŸŽ‰ I know it’ll be cooler later, so we’ll see, but for now I’m back at home and trying to continue some progress.

Bills, finishing up the bedroom after building the new bed frame, maybe adding some more stuff to the “sale/auction” boxes in the purple room… I dunno… I just know that I have to take advantage of these energy bursts when I get them, so I’m gonna keep busy until I can’t keep busy any more. ️🀨 I’ll probably save all the computer stuff for this evening when I just wanna sit, so bills and e-mail and all that can wait until then.

Oh, and no emergency dental shit on the 4th, so we’ll see what tomorrow holds.Β οΈπŸ‘¨πŸ»β€βš•οΈ

Self-Inflicted

The past several days have been remarkably the same for me, so I’ve actually gotten into a flow… albeit an annoying one, since my body is still giving me a hard time. πŸ˜’ But I’ve been able to build up the energy to do a limited amount of “whatever” each day, but I also completely crash after I finish whatever it is that I was doing. So I just kinda have to go into each “thing” with that in mind…

It’s embarrassing being this worn down all the time. 😞 It’s not being lazy, but it sure looks like being lazy. As I’ve described to others, it’s like I wake up each day with only 10% – 15% in my battery, and once I use it up it’s just gone. That leads to unintentionally falling asleep for several hours during the day, and then only being able to sleep about that same amount that night – effectively splitting one 24 period into what feels like two “days” for me, with the second “day” consisting of me not being worth a shit.

But I’ve chosen my projects wisely over the past couple of weeks… getting all my laundry done and put away, the kitchen, living room, and bathroom all cleaned, I did a huge grocery shopping session today and put it all away, plus several other things that I needed to do like changing light bulbs in several ceiling fixtures. πŸ˜– And let me tell you, having only one arm that I can raise above my head… removing heavy glass light covers and screwing in several bulbs was the most difficult (painful) thing I’ve done in a long time. With my ill-advised Memorial Day Walmart shopping trip being a close second. 😏

I actually went to Logan instead of the one in Lancaster, because I feel like I “fit” more with the Logan people at the moment. Heh… that sounds bad, but it’s accurate… I’ve never seen so many grumpy looking average shlubs in a store at one time. It actually made it easier to shop… looking around at all these people who looked like they were significantly more annoyed than me to have to be there. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ

Expropriated Cycles

This proves that I should always make “after the fact” posts, because despite being all geared up with my medical and workers comp projects, I ended up having Cassi come down and stay over last night… which was actually just the mental break that I needed from all of that stuff. πŸ™‚ I mean, I did keepΒ working on it as she was here, but with her as a distraction it kept it all from consuming my brain and occupying 100% of my thought cycles as I worked. 😳

But while she was here (among other progress) I got names, numbers, and addresses for everyΒ local doctor that may be accepting new patients, everyΒ local urgent care that appears to offer services greater than the “I skinned my knee” or “My butthole really itches” type stuff, and every oral surgeon in the area so I can get more serious about getting my remaining wisdom teefs cut out. 😬 I also got new info from BWC and my BWC Rx provider, so that stuff is in much better shape as well. And the pharmacy was also updated, so my meds might possibly, hopefully, maybe get filled in a more timely fashion. πŸ€¨πŸ‘¨πŸ»β€βš•οΈ

Now that I think about it, I probably got more done with her here than if she wasn’t. 🀨 And without getting twitchy. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ She worked on several things that she needed to do as well, taking advantage of the relative peace and quiet here compared to her house full of family. 😌 Of course she gave her brain a break as well (the main point of her staying) by making and painting some picture frames, and catching up on the last few episodes of NCIS that she still had to watch on Netflix. πŸ‘±πŸ»β€β™€οΈπŸ“Ί I think Maven was even happy for the unexpected visit, ‘cuz she made up to Cassi way more than usual this time. 😸

We talked quite a bit about what’s going on with my health at the moment, along with all kinds of random thoughts that come along with that topic… so it was nice to be able to talk some of that stuff out with her. πŸ‘¦πŸ»πŸ‘±πŸ»β€β™€οΈ I’m not exactly sure what the plan will be for tomorrow and Friday. 😐 Now that I’ve got all this info compiled I imagine I’ll start calling someone… meh… I’ll figure it out when that time gets here. I’m gonna stay in chill mode for the rest of the evening if possible.

Other Shit

New Year’s Eve was a big ol’ meh. I can’t even remember my exact mood that day, but I could make a pretty good guess. 😏 Luckily I saw a post on Twitter that said if you started watching “Doctor Who – The End of Time: Part II” at 10:54pm, at exactly midnight it would be at the part where The Doctor visits Cardiff and Rose spots him and wishes him a Happy New Year. It’s just a nice moment – because he’s already traveled with her extensively, and he’s actually dying now, but in this particular moment he has gone back to before they had met – so she didn’t even realize who he was yet. 😒😊 I dunno, you have to be a fan of the show I guess. πŸ€“ But I barely remember it working out just right, she said “Happy New Year!” right at midnight, then *ploop* I was out.

As for a potential “Doctor Visit #2” regarding the “Oh, hey, there’s something on your thyroid.” noted by the technician that ran the MRI for my spine… I’m really not sure what I’m going to do about that yet, if anything. 😐 It doesn’t help that I just watched an episode of Grey’s Anatomy where a couple of the characters were referring to a family member who had cancer on her thyroid without even knowing it, and died soon after it was detected. πŸ˜• Thinking about that… I dunno, if I really start feeling some sort of effects from whatever it is then I might go see what’s up, but if it’s something bad bad already – I’m not sure I’m interested in finding that out. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ

Foolish? Probably… but only for someone who isn’t prepared for what “not knowing” could bring next. Meh… I’m still discussing it with friends. It’s hard to say “It’s okay, I’m kinda ready to check out anyway…” without people getting all concerned and up in your business. πŸ˜… But anyway…

It’s still effing frigid here in Ohio. 😬 Waking up to five degrees, or one degree… with the house cracking and popping from enduring the constant sub-freezing temperatures… yeah, this shit is for the birds. 😰 Today, just a couple of miles from home, while trying to thaw their work truck – some poor folks managed to explode the building they were working in… and the sound, even from that far away, jolted me awake by shaking the house. 😨 I honestly looked outside to see if a car had skidded into the house or something, even though the house is like 80′ from the road.

Hopefully now that the holidays are over I’ll start feeling a little more normal, relatively speaking. It’s not that I don’t like Christmas and New Year’s… there’s just a lot of emotions wrapped up in the memories right now, so getting back to boring old crappy “regular” time again is comforting. ☺ I finished shaving the cat, got the living room all vacuumed and straightened up, so I’m gonna slowly build on that progress. In what fashion, I’m not quite sure yet… but just moving forward instead of being frozen here would be an improvement. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ

And on Twitter I’ve unfollowed any accounts related to politics and news. πŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ I did it once before but couldn’t make it stick, because it’s in my nature to stay informed… but Donald Trump is a fucking moron, and I can’t keep clicking open that app each day to see him comparing “nuke button” sizes with Kim Jong-un and planning “Presidential Fake News Awards” and other equally insane bullshit. πŸ™‡πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ People say he’s just trolling the world, that he’s pointing out errors that journalists have made… which is fine… but he’s still a fucking moron, is ridiculously unqualified to be President, and is making the United States a laughing stock and much more hated than we’ve been in a long time. 😣 And my watching it on Twitter isn’t gonna make a lick of difference one way or another… so I’m gonna try to shield myself from the stupid and stupid’s followers.

Try It This Way

Get this. On Sunday, due to sitting around all day, thinking about everything that I had to do on Monday, I think I ended up making my brain give out early… heh… because I fell asleep around 9p and slept all the way through to 10a. Don’t get me wrong, I love when my body finally demands a reset and I get an actual good night of sleep, but it’s not often that my brain craps out before whatever “things” I have to do.

But thankfully I woke up today with my neck hurting much less, and I got through all of the phone calls that I needed to make without melting too much. I also got the living room straightened up and the bills done like I was hoping to do. That’s another thing I’m trying to change…

I have this bad habit of seeing the entirety of “Stuff I Have To Do” and “Stuff I Want To Do” rather than focusing on a smaller sliver of one or the other that I might be able to actually manage. So today I limited it to attorney BS, shopping BS, and living room BS. With the house here, even though there’s a near infinite amount of stuff that I could or should do, if I break it up by room or even smaller task, I think I’ll have a much better chance of making headway.

And then continuing to think about it in a different way than usual, I also have to remind myself that I don’t always have to be doing something productive, and that I don’t have to feel bad when I can’t devote time to people when I’m simply am unable to do it. I’m not sure why I always feel like my time should be spent in those ways, and then feeling shitty if I can’t quite do it… but I need to remember that doing nothing is okay too sometimes.