Delayed Reaction

It’s been an up and down week. I had those two or three pretty good days right after being sick for a day and a half… but like I said, probably not so much that I felt any better than normal – but the relief of not puking every few hours for an entire day and night just makes you appreciate a normal “bleh” mood a bit more. 😏 But then right after that, it was the strangest thing…

Mom has been gone for more than a month… and of course the first week or two after she passed was filled with well-wishes, company, and general “fuss” (I don’t mean that in a bad way at all) that one expects after such a thing. Then I took some time to really isolate myself so I could just feel it… adjust to it… I dunno… I just wanted nobody around so I could react however I needed to. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈΒ And my dumb ass assumed that after all of the above, my brain had processed and handled it. Heh… nope. 😟

I don’t even know what triggered it, but man… a couple of days ago – it finally really hit me. 😒 Or finally hit me for the first time, because Genesee said that she completely understood what I was trying to explain to her, and she says it was by no means a one-time deal for her after her daddy passed away several years ago. I think what happened was I crossed the line where I was just happy and relieved for Mom, that she was no longer struggling with a mind and body that were fighting against her… and I hit the point where it really sank in that she was gone gone – and then I was worthless for the better part of three days, feeling indescribably sad about everything that her being gone made me think and feel. πŸ˜” Gawd this is such a difficult thing to explain…

It’s probably all selfish, but understandable emotion… but the thing that wouldn’t leave my mind is that from this point on, any “new” person that I meet or that comes into my life… they won’t get to know her, and I can’t explain how unfair that is for all of those people. 😠 For those few days I just lost the ability to be happy about all of the happy memories and experiences, and it was all sad, mad, bitter, etc. Then I finally decided to talk out loud to her… the first time that I had done that since she passed.

I’m sure some people might think it’s strange, but with all of my grandparents gone, a couple uncles, an aunt, some friends… at one point or another, I’ve spoken out loud to them as I sat in the recliner, did my laundry, walked around outside, fed the cat… whatever the case may have been that made me want to say something to them. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈπŸ™‚ But I hadn’t been able to do that with Mom until just the other day, and I was actually feeling guilty about it. That I had so easily done it with the others, but for some reason wasn’t able yet to do that with her. But I’m glad that I finally did, because that’s what started pulling me out of that awful mood.

I reminded myself that she’s now up there with her mom and dad, among so many other relatives and friends that I may not even remember myself – but who were all waiting to greet her when she got there. 😊 And then I told her that I knew she wouldn’t want me to just sit in the house and feel how I was feeling, and I told her that I was going to try as hard as I could to get out of that funk and focus on the happy rather than the negative feelings. I don’t want her checking in on me, only to find that I’m a useless, crying, angry mess. I can’t let it mess me up like it was messing me up for those few days.

I talked for probably fifteen minutes or so… heh… and again, I know, it does sound a little weird… but with every thing that I’d say, I could feel the weight being lifted off of me… at least to when it comes how I was feeling about Mom being gone. (More of the “other stuff” in the next entry, coming fairly soon.) It’s weird though… not only did I feel guilty for not talking to her sooner, but also a little bit guilty for that horrible feeling not hitting me this hard way before this point. 😟 But again, Genesee helped… saying it was roughly a month for her as well, before she got the real “gut punch” feeling that you almost expect to feel the day of, or day after it happens. Of course I missΒ Mom… but I really do think I was just getting past my feelings of relief and happiness for her, and on to feeling sorry for myselfΒ – and everyone else that no longer gets to have her as an ongoing part of their life.

I’m sorry if this comes off as gloomy… but what I’m actually trying to say is that yeah, it hurt… then it really really hurt… but then you find a way back from it. 😌 I’m not looking forward to this becoming a recurring “surprise” thing, but I do know now that that’s just the way it works. πŸ₯Ί But I think each time that it happens, it’s gonna be easier for me to talk to her, remember all of the good – and there was a lot of good – and not let that awful feeling consume me like it was during these past few days.

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It’s The Sunglasses

A few days ago I ran across a random animated GIF on Twitter, and the d00d in it looked exactly like me from about a decade ago. 😧 The hair, the scruff, the goofy mannerisms… all of it. πŸ˜ƒ Well, I finally found more GIFs of the same d00d, and a couple where he’s not making faces, isn’t wearing sunglasses, and is just being himself. 🀨 And in those pics I look nothing like him (or vice versa) ‘cuz the d00d ended up beingΒ Sebastian Stan, who plays “Bucky Barnes” in the Captain America and Avengers movies. πŸ˜…

That’s Just The Way It Is

It looks like I can just count on one week out of every month being horrible thanks to the runaround I get regarding my medication. πŸ˜’ A full one-quarter of my current existence on this planet, already set aside for fuckery and feeling physically and mentally miserable. 😣 So, starting this month, I’m gonna have to start rationing – so that way when there are extended delays in getting stuff approved, I won’t be going completely without and feeling the affect of that accordingly.

I don’t even have the energy to get into it. πŸ˜” I’m just hoping that it doesn’t mean that I lost my court hearing weeks ago. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ I still haven’t gotten any paperwork on it, but I’m guessing the magistrate is probably close to making a ruling if he hasn’t already. But yeah, when I’m already having a hard time functioning like a human, knowing that I’ll lose a week each month like this certainly doesn’t help matters.

But anyway… in an attempt to not think about that for a while tonight, I put my phone on airplane mode and set up a short time-lapse shot. I think the elapsed time was actually about two hours, but it plays out in a minute or so. I used an ISO of about 1200, an exposure of 1/3 of a second, with digital light trail enhancement of 3 seconds. πŸ€“ I’m actually fairly pleased with the result, although I’ve already thought of what adjustments I need to make next time so there’s less grain, brighter stars, and longer light trails.

So yeah… this is just another thing I have to adjust for, the same way that I need to adjust the amount of shit that I do when I’m feeling good – since I know that too much moving around will screw me up. 😐 Meh… it’s almost too hard to explain how complicated it actually is – the stuff that I can actually somewhat control – so when stuff that I can’t control gets added on top of it… yeah, things start to get bad bad. I’ll figure it out. Eventually. But hey, that video is kinda neat, no? πŸ™‚

(I might try to capture the movement of just the stars next time we have a new moon.)

Silent But Scandalous

This is kind of related to the post below. I just figured I would come back in here and report on an incident that happened to me when I was in junior high. Granted, that means that we were all kids, but still… let me continue…

While on a school-sponsored camping trip at a local nature place, all of us students were split up into 4 or 5 people in each tiny little cabin. Boys with boys, and of course girls with girls… and on one of the nights there, the other kids in the cabin decided to play a joke on me. 😳 It felt like a joke then, and it still feels like a joke now – but putting it in the hypothetical context of the current climate when it comes to reporting “sketchy” things… it makes me wonder how parents and authority figures would react to it now, if it had happened recently and I reported it right away. πŸ™‚πŸ€”

I have a feeling that it would have happened to the first kid that fell asleep in the cabin anyway, but I just happened to be that person. 😏 The way that I was told that it happened, was that one of the kids had been really gassy all day – so they decided that someone was gonna get farted on that night. πŸ˜…πŸ€’ So when I sacked out, they silently prepared for the joke – which ended up with one of the kids pulling his pants down, putting his ass right by my face, and releasing the poison. 😝 Now, obviously I’d have preferred to not be the kid that got gassed… but it was what it was, and after a short moment of being butthurt upon learning about it – eventually I was laughing right along with them.

Now, take that story and transplant it to 2017. How would teachers react? How would parents react? Especially considering the… *gasp*exposed ass right next to my nose. 😯 I can’t remember for sure, but there may have even been a picture taken. Can you imagine it though? I’d probably be stuck in counseling, the offending kid probably would have been arrested and branded as a sex offender for the rest of his life, the school likely would have never done field trips again, and certainly not to that campground – which may have been forced into closure after being branded the place where a kid was sexually assaulted.

I guess I don’t really know what point I’m trying to make. πŸ€“ I suppose it’s more about giving some personal background so that others might be better able to understand why I react to certain things in certain ways… ways that are possibly not the same as most other people would react. So yeah, when I see Franken’s goofy photo next to the sleeping woman… it’s harder for me to think of it as a big deal, since I’ve had an ass in my face while I slept, possibly with photographic evidence, and it really didn’t feel like a big deal to me. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ