Guess I haven’t made an entry for a little while. Been feeling a little sick, sleep has been screwy, and then of course I had my monthly doctor appointment yesterday which means several days of bullshit in order to get my meds. 😠 I was able to pick up one of them today, but I’m not doing the “pay for it first and then we’ll refund you” thing like I usually do. Gonna try to wait them out until it is approved, since it legally has to be eventually. Meh… I’ve already explained and complained about that shit, and this month’s no different.
But there was something that put me in a good mood the other day. 😃 BTS released their comeback video for their next album, with a song featuring Suga called Shadow. If you’re a fan, you’ve probably already seen it, but if not… watch it first, before you read everything that I have to say about it below the video. 😏
(Make sure you turn on captions by hovering over the video and changing the selection at the bottom.)
I’m a huge BTS fan now, thanks to Cassi subjecting me to their music long enough to where I began to like and appreciate it, but I’m probably just a bit short of being considered Army. 🙂🤷🏻♂️ My bias in the group is Jungkook, but with this video I think Suga just jumped ahead of J-Hope for second place. But for as short as this song is, to squeeze in three distinctly different styles… along with all the visuals… it’s just impressive for a “sneak peek” into their next album that drops on February 21st.
Okay, here’s the shit I wanna comment on, sorta in order as it happens in the video…
- First thing I noticed is that the music is actually the background for the chorus of Fake Love. 😯 Also, the way he runs down the hallway is a flashback to Jungkook running in the Fake Love MV.
- Second thing: Suga rapping in English. 😳 Wat? 😅
- As he runs down the hallway, it’s him taking all of the ambition that he’s thinking about, and choosing to break through to where the lights are bright and the shadows are waiting. Clothes change from light (good) to dark (bad).
- Once he’s broken through and found himself in the spotlight, gained the fame, he feels the weight of the shadows of what his life used to be like – before he became a celebrity… making him question if it’s all worth it, basically abandoning who you once were in order to become what he now is.
- Once he’s on the stage, all of the people in the audience are just blank, still, and holding their phones in the air to record – rather than fully experiencing what he’s doing. 🥺 He even looks dejected as he looks down on them. (Kind of a burn to some of the fans.)
- At different points in the video, “ORUL82?” pops up for a few frames… which is obviously a reference to that track on a much older album, which was about following your dreams no matter what it takes – but it didn’t have the dark spin of Suga now knowing the negatives that go along with fame. 😟
- Then you see the two versions of him… one on stage performing, and the other in the audience – apparently representing the younger version of him that would watch other performers and want to be famous like that.
- Then the “shadow” version of him takes over, telling him how those feelings of uncertainty, regret, insecurity are always going to be there, that there’s no escaping the bad feelings if you’re gonna also strive to get the good things that come with being at the top of your game.
- Even though the shadow side is portrayed as being “dark” or “bad” … that’s the side that has his confidence, that knows both good and bad are inside of him, and that those two sides are gonna fight sometimes – but that if he learns to accept it he’ll be able to move forward with more peace. 😌
- But with the way the song ends, it looks like he still hasn’t been able to reconcile both the good and the bad, as he just gets lost in the crowd of swarming fans.
So yeah, in a way it’s the typical “be careful what you wish for” or “it’s so hard being famous” type narratives that a thousand other songs have, but the visuals in this video really do tell a compelling story. Lots of callbacks from when they were younger and much less in the spotlight, using cues from Fake Love in both the music and visuals, but with their shadows now stalking them all right outside of their hotel rooms, the visual reminder of “ORUL82?” which had a much more optimistic view on striving to hit your goals in life, etc.
It really makes me wonder what the album is gonna be like. 🙂 The current phase of releases is under the “Map of The Soul” theme, and this album has “Shadow” and another track that will be called “Ego” – so I don’t know if it’s gonna be a half-and-half album where the first part is all optimistic and light, and the second half is all hard and dirty, tackling stuff like anxiety and depression and loneliness or what. 🤔🤷🏻♂️
Heh… I say that I’m not Army, but as soon as that video came out I began noticing this, noticing that, catching all the references, etc… so maybe I am getting closer. 😁 I actually tried to get tickets for me and Cassi when they were touring in the US, but they sold out so damn quickly. 🙁 By the time I was able to access the Ticketmaster site and try to select two seats side by side – after “You are in the queue” for about 15 minutes – all that was left were single seats scattered around the stadium. 😟 Hoping we get another chance this year.
If you wanna see a ridiculously well-choreographed concert performance from them, click here. 😌
After having my thyroid removed because of cancer, having the follow-up radiation and scans… and nobody willing to give me an “all clear” after all of it – just more check-ups and scans in the near future, it gets my brain in a weird place sometimes. In times like that, this song really speaks to me…
I’m still optimistic and hopeful when it comes to my recovery, but it’s always there in the back of my head… not getting the “all clear” really sucks. But I think they’ll be able to catch it if it returns, since most of the affected tissue is already gone. So I’m not predicting an early expiration date, but sometimes I wonder…
I figured I better get on here and make an entry while I’ve got the juice to do so. I know I said I wouldn’t bitch after doing that weed spraying outside the other night, and I’m not doing this to bitch – just to update… 😏 but cripes, that little bit of work messed me up somethin’ fierce. 😓
Overheated, energy sucked away, yet even with my full compliment of evening meds I laid awake all night, until about 9am the next morning. 😒 I got a couple hours sleep at that point, but still feeling exhausted I actually took that day’s evening meds and went to bed at 7pm. 🙏🏻🤷🏻♂️ Had to be at the hospital for labs the next day, so I didn’t want to take any chances that it would be another sleepless night.
The whole night followed the routine of falling asleep for a couple hours, then waking up for one… lather, rinse, repeat. By the time I was actually able to wake up enough to get my day going the next day, I had spent a total of 15 hours in bed 😳 yet woke up feeling more drained than when I originally went to bed the night before. It’s amazing how screwed up my body has become, from just missing that teeny tiny single thyroid function replacement pill each day, and obviously I haven’t hit the bottom yet.
But I made it to the hospital, got my blood drawn and labs started, and on the way out I actually ran into a friend in one of the hallways. She was on her way to see one of her family members, but I was so out of it I barely even realized when she waved as I passed her. She looked like she wanted to be there about as much as I did, and the way I almost just walked past her, I had to comment that we were like “The Walking Dead” just lumbering past each other. 🧟♂️😏 Not in any sense of the seriousness of why I was there, but more that I was just oblivious and drained and grumbling to myself in my head, to where I passed literally two feet from one of my friends and almost didn’t even notice.
But the past 48 hours have made me toss away (for now, anyway) that urge that I always have… that I need to do something useful or productive each day, no matter how shitty I feel. Yeah, F that. I gotta be realistic, because with this shit there is no “mind over matter” that will allow me to pull energy from some mysterious reserve. 😕 It’s really okay though – because now that it has proven itself to me, that there is no fighting against it or whatever… that’s just how it’s gonna be until I can get back on the thyroid meds. 🤷🏻♂️ It’s still indescribably awful… but like I keep reminding myself… it’s temporary.
But just so people aren’t concerned, I am still able to drive, so if there’s an emergency or I need to get food or whatever – Lancaster has plenty of drive-thru joints that I can go to without leaving the car… and if I really need anything beyond that I can always hit up Toni, or Genesee – who has reminded me that she’s still got plenty of people around here that would be willing to help out if needed. I mean, it won’t come to any of that (at least I don’t think it will) because as long as my labs come back the way they want – I’ll get the radiation dose next week and will only have to make it through that following Thursday.
Heh… how lame. 🙄 Sitting here, happy that I had enough mental/physical oomph to write this. 😏🤷🏻♂️
It’s been a rough, rough week… but I’m not even gonna talk about all of it. I don’t want to take the chance of spreading more negative emotions just because it helps me to get things off my chest. Going to bed early tonight. Hoping for a reset of my body and mind. Glad I made it through the week… sadly, the same can’t be said for one of my old friends from school. He was a couple grades ahead of me, so I was actually closer to his little brother. Definitely one of those things where nobody even saw it coming. But yeah, I’m tired of this week… so the sooner I get to sleep, the sooner it will be over and I can try to start fresh.
Happy (late) birthday, Dad… trying to get good enough where I can visit soon. Sorry… that’s all I can say. 😞
As of my last post, I was feeling the then-immediate relief of not having to learn of the plan for my next session of treatment that day. I thought that might make my weekend a little more relaxed, but with each hour closer that Monday gets – the more my nerves started messing with me. 😐 I’m still good, but knowing that tomorrow I’ll be getting the call, it did change what I ended up doing with my weekend.
I’m aware that I could be making a bigger deal out of this than it’s going to end up being, but the alternate is also true… so the best course of action, one that starts me out on better footing before whatever’s next, was to use these two days to get the house nice. 🤷🏻♂️ I don’t know if it’d be this way for everyone, but if I’m really negatively affected by stopping my thyroid meds (and most everything that I’ve heard so far is that I will be) then it’s important that the house is clean, laundry is done, dishes done up, etc.
It’s simple… feeling shitty feels shitty, but feeling shitty while also being stuck in a dirty house, with unwashed dishes taunting me, baskets of laundry waiting on me… that would just be so much more shitty for me. 😥 Like I said, it might not be something that would bother other folks, but it would bother me more than you can even imagine. 😣 One bit of good news, and I’ll give partial credit to the way I’ve tried to keep moving, but I’m finally walking completely without a cane again. 🙂 There’s still some pain, and I can still feel the unpredictable weakness… but it’s good that I’m off the meds I had a bad reaction to, and that I’m getting along much better when it comes to my knee. (Which is surprising, honestly, the way that I pretty much killed it the night that I was in Columbus several days ago.) See, it’s not always bad news around here… 😏
I am disappointed that I wasn’t able to visit a couple people that I had put on the “possibility” list for the weekend if I was feeling alright, but I’m staying hopeful that this next session of treatment will be able to conclusively “clear” me. 👨🏻⚕️🥺🙏🏻 Then I can hopefully work at getting my head in a better place again, eventually feeling more like a previous version of me, and potentially more able to make random trips out of the house without the anxiety stopping me before I even make it to the door. 😑 As much as I want friends and family to “get me” when it comes to all my twitchy problems, they shouldn’t have to put up with the way that I am as much as they do. 😟 “Clean bill of health” (at least when it comes to my thyroid stuff) could do wonders for snapping me back to something more close to normal. 🤕 That’s the hope anyway…
I actually thought about making an entry over the weekend, but the prior few days were pretty eventful, and I knew today could be as well… so yeah, I basically actually just treated my weekend as a weekend, other than finally cleaning the kitchen and doing up all my bills.
Bri had her baby on Wednesday. 😊 I didn’t make it in there at 6am like she had to do, but I was there a few hours later and stayed several more hours… taking a break to go home, since I could tell it was gonna take a while. And in that time I was able to help Dad get his car back from the repair shop after getting the AC serviced. (Hmm… AC serviced… we’ll come back to that.) As I was ready to head back to my house after that, Bri messaged me that she finally had him (9 hours of labor… yikes…) and she wanted me to come back to the hospital.
Of course I went back in the next day as well to visit them… and as you may know, whenever I do an extensive amount of “stuff” sometimes my body’s like “Okay, that’s enough out of you” and I kind of crap out. 😏 And that’s pretty much what happened. But it didn’t end there. Later in the evening, Cassi called in a mild freak-out, because her cat was getting ready to deliver her kittens and seemed to be having trouble and was making all kinds of awful sounding noises – so she wanted me to come up, just in case we had to take her to an emergency vet.
You know, they may have actually been Friday. 🤔 That’s how frazzled my brain was. I dunno, it was late in the evening and it was on a day where the last thing I wanted to do was to “do anything” at that point. Hence taking the weekend off for the most part. But I slept well last night, had a comforting dream… which of course I remember zero details from… but woke up feeling good enough to go out and use the hand trimmer to clear up the tiny branches growing out of the trunks of my crabapple (I think) trees so the mowers aren’t at risk of losing an eye around them… along with cutting out some other “trying to grow” baby trees popping up in weird places in the yard.
That wasn’t an intended part of the day though, so I’m just taking that as a bonus, because today was when the AC repair guys came to check out the furnace and AC. 😐 Long story short, I went ahead and opted to have a new one installed. 😣 The current unit is about 20 years old, any replacement parts (the compressor, specifically) would have to be a used part, the refrigerant used isn’t available anymore… just lots of things that made replacement the smarter (yet more expensive) decision. Whether I live here until I die, or if I sell the house in a year and move into an apartment or whatever… it’s just the better, yet painful choice. 🤷🏻♂️
He gave me the estimate, but is gonna officially type it all up and send me an itemized version later this afternoon for me to sign. So I’m a little twitchy right now, but really, I’m not even paying for it. 🙂 When Mom passed, her and Dad made sure that she left me some money, so technically Mom is going to be buying a new central AC system for me. That makes it a heck of a lot easier to think about. Okay… I need to give my head a break for a bit, but should be checking emails later this evening.