Bizzaro World Rant

(This entry ended up being way, way, way too long… heh… so I’m gonna skip most of the italics, bold, and emojis. You can probably figure out where I’d have normally stuck a smirk, shocked, or scowling yellow little face.)

Okay, so what’s been going on the past three weeks or so?

Some of us did end up meeting up at Rising Park for Jim’s birthday. In his tradition of always doing stuff for his friends for his own birthday, he brought pizza and subs from Pizza Crossing and we were able to hang out in the main shelter house for about an hour before him and Brad had to leave to go up and see their Dad. Oh, and he even gave me a couple Switch games to get me started. I got him a Nintendo eShop gift card, that way we could both buy Mario Kart 8 and eventually play online. Flashing back to the era when we were roommates and played Battle Kart on the Nintendo 64 almost every day.

I’m surprised that in the middle of the day, one day before the 4th, nobody even came up and even acted like they were hoping to have the shelter house for their gathering or event or whatever. The mood in the town, approaching the holiday, was rather “meh” though since the planned fireworks display was trimmed down to three minutes’ worth, shot only from Mt Pleasant, to avoid motivating people to gather.

Speaking of COVID, while our county still has relatively low case numbers, apparently the rate of transmission made a big enough spike to where we were labeled a “red” county and therefore masks are mandated by the governor / health department when in public and unable to socially distance. In response to that you’ve got folks who started wearing them or who were already wearing them, you’ve got the ones who quietly refuse to wear one, and then of course you have an oddly angry, vocal group who refuse to wear one for any number of reasons. The virus is a hoax, the virus dies when it’s 70 degrees, the virus was released by the government (of the world?) to kill and / or control its citizens, and then the more common “The government won’t tell ME what to do!” and “I’m an American! I have rights!” crowd.

And what’s weird is that people are really choosing that hill to die on, when it comes to relationships with friends and family. Now, I’ve worn a mask when around people in public both because I’d like to lessen my chance of catching it, but also because if I happened to be an asymptomatic carrier – I obviously wanna reduce the chance that I’d unintentionally spread it to anyone else that may not be able to fight it off. I just think it is the considerate thing to do, and something that could greatly reduce the spread if most people would do the same. But without even interacting with my cousin about any of it, I know from his countless posts on Facebook that he thinks I’m a sheep. So, okay…

His mom is old, my dad is old, plenty of people in our family aren’t in tip top shape when it comes to health concerns… but okay, my wanting to reduce the chance that they (and anyone else) be exposed to a virus that can still make someone extremely sick, even if they don’t die, is viewed by him as being weak or just following orders. Almost all the posts he has made in the past several months have been various conspiracy theories or “proud American” type puffery, so there’s no sense in trying to convince him otherwise. It’s just weird that just because you don’t want to wear a mask that you’d alienate your friends and family that do. But looking at his posts as a whole, it seems like the world is an even scarier place for him, where the hospitals, media, and government are all out to get you, despite him having a particular fondness for Donald Trump. Meh… I don’t get it, but he’s made his opinion clear.

His sister seems to share a similar belief, although my only exposure to her is on Twitter. She replied to one of my tweets where I mocked Trump for being proud that covid deaths had become “slow and steady” and was told, among other things, that I should look into Agenda 21, that the hospitals are lying about covid, that it’s the same as the flu, and that I can’t live in fear. It’s weird how the ones who believe all that stuff seem to be the ones who make the most noise and seem the most fearful. I pointed out that I also wear a seatbelt because I “fear” being ejected in a car wreck, that I wash my hands after using public bathrooms because I “fear” most people are dirty asses and I don’t want their germs on my hands, and that I even get a flu shot each year because I “fear” getting sick and spending a week moving only between the bed and the toilet. Putting on my mask when I get out of the car has become almost as subconscious as latching my seatbelt or washing my hands. It’s such a “non-thing” to me now, and it’s what I choose to do. Their “side” almost seems like it doesn’t even have a choice, because even if they wanted to wear a mask, that would make them a sheep, or controlled, or whatever sinister thing the wearing of a mask is supposed to represent.

One of my mom friends said it’s basically the same thing she has to deal with when she feeds her young kids. They’re required to eat what’s on their plate, but if there is something the kids don’t like they’ll play with their food and whine and complain, even though she makes it clear to them that the longer they object and stall, the longer it will take before they’ll be allowed to leave the table and get back to whatever they were wanting to do. And it makes sense… anti-mask people want life to be “normal” but the more of them that refuse to wear masks, the longer it will take to get backΒ  to anything resembling normal. And it’s actually win-win for them, because if they wear it and the virus drops to manageable levels, they’ll get their “normal” back. But alternatively, if they all wore masks for several weeks and there was no noticeable decline in the virus, then they could wave that fact in everyone’s faces to show that they were right.

We’re into Bizzaro World territory these days though. For example, the BLM protest in Portland has been going on for over fifty days straight now, with protesting during the day and rioting at night… but all of the people in power there have decided that they’re just going to allow violence and destruction to happen, not wanting the criminals to face any type of law enforcement opposition. There has been a ridiculous amount of property damage, law enforcement attacked even when they weren’t engaging anyone, any security fences are torn down and piled against the court house, fires are set in the street, cars have been burned, attempts to burn police buildings as well… but the mayor won’t do anything. In fact, when federal officers came to the city to at least protect the federal properties – when those officers started identifying and rounding up people who were assaulting officers or damaging federal buildings, the mayor and governor had an absolute shit fit. They won’t curb the lawlessness themselves, and now that someone else is trying to do so, they’re actually suing to make the feds stop enforcing laws. And that plays into Trump’s hands, since he can legitimately say he sent help to the “normal” people of Portland and they were told to leave.

It’s no wonder that there are a record amount of people who are registered as independent or non-partisan voters these days. When the official Democrat position (at least in Oregon) is to look the other way when riots happen and cities fall into violent chaos each night… and that the “bad guys” in this situation are the one law enforcement entity that’s trying to restore order… I mean, how can anyone really get behind that idea? People look at it in a detached way, rather than thinking how they would feel if the same protests were happening in their own neighborhoods, and it was their house that was getting spray painted, windows smashed, and sometimes set on fire. I’d bet money that folks would want law enforcement to do something about it then. Heh… it’s irritating that those particular Dems have gone so far off the rails that I’ve no other choice than to side with Donald Trump. Bleh…

There’s no honesty in discussions anymore, either. A day or two ago the protesters got together and were all singing a song, in a video that was suited for propaganda. Now, it’s great that there were so many gathering peacefully, but of course all of the anti-police people post that video to Twitter with some sort of variant on “THESE are the ‘violent anarchists’ that the police have been brutalizing for the past six weeks. Scary, huh?” Meanwhile, all of these disingenuous fucks know that the police aren’t hassling the peaceful folks… and they know that there is a criminal element that’s causing widespread destruction and violence… but rather than acknowledge any of that, they’ll say whatever they have to say to make their side seem like the “moral right.” As with conspiracy theory anti-maskers, there’s no talking to those people either. If they’re willing to lie and craft a false narrative from one of the few positive videos, they’re certainly not gonna admit that there’s a lawless element in their cause.

Democrats are almost certainly making their decisions based on what they think will benefit them most at the polls, rather than what’s best for the city or just the rule of law in general, but I don’t think they realize how much of a minority it is that they’re bowing to. Minority in numbers, I mean. They’re extremely loud, and they obviously get a lot of attention as they attempt to destroy the federal court house, but do you think the average person agrees that endless violence and destruction each night should just be tolerated or even encouraged? I doubt it. And do they think that allowing the protesters to destroy things will earn them any favor from that same crowd? They’ve been protesting against police violence for almost two months, protesting the city and mayor that have made it clear that they aren’t going to “sic” the police on them for anything that they do. It seems like that would remove a big reason for the protest being as extreme as it has been… but no, it doesn’t matter that the police aren’t being violent to them, they’re still there, protesting about how bad the police are. What’s the winning “play” for the mayor when they don’t even care that they have gotten the very thing that they are protesting for.

Meh… I guess if they wanna let their city burn, so be it. Everywhere that this sort of thing has been happening, and where the city leaders take the side of the violent protesters, property is being destroyed, new businesses won’t go there, current businesses are leaving, and even the citizens are packing up and moving the fuck away from the craziness. If your local government won’t do anything to ensure the safety of its citizens, they shouldn’t be surprised when folks scatter and the tax base is lost. Things turned somewhat violent in Columbus at times, but once the protesters got that attention and talked with leaders about what they wanted… I dunno, there was a bit of civility in the violence. It didn’t just go on and on, with neither side talking to the other, with no sign of any goals to all of it. But even that was sorta scary, with downtown being a no-go zone for a few weeks – unless you were sorta lookin’ for trouble.

But there’s a certain element of humans that, if given free reign to be loud and “fuck stuff up” then that’s exactly what they’ll do. Look at the makeup of that crowd. Young, entitled, angry, apparently no jobs that they need to go to… they’re just not representative of your average citizen, yet people in power act as if they’re speaking for the entire population. I’m certainly not a fan of the idea of a second term for Donald Trump, so I worry that whatever these Democrats are trying to do is going to backfire on the entire party in November. Because just as they think the protesters represent all people, people are going to assume those few “leave the criminals alone” Democrats represent the views of the party as a whole.

At least when you go out into town here, other than a few grumbling anti-mask folks, it still feels like people are normal. The shows that we’re seeing in Portland and Chicago and Seattle, the way that the politicians and protesters are acting… it’s not typical of what actually goes on in daily life in southeastern Ohio, thankfully. The only thing even close to all that craziness is when our mayor decided to go on record with the paper, saying that a mask mandate is counterproductive. Masks. Counterproductive to reducing the virus in the area. This is a small town, so I don’t think people really give a shit what our dinky mayor says, and besides – people have already decided how they feel about all that. So, yeah, I’m glad that’s the biggest social controversy of our little city, at least for the moment.

What Are You So Mad About?

I haven’t posted a blog entry since all of the chaos started in the country. I didn’t (and honestly still don’t) have the words to truly express all of the things that it has made me feel. I’ve been spending a lot of time on Twitter though, basically in astonishment at how many people are willfully ignorant, blatantly lying, or a combination of both… and from all sides of the issue. Emotions and tensions are higher than I’ve ever seen in my lifetime, so I understand that people will initially be speaking mostly with their anger. But anger can’t be an indefinite excuse for spreading false information, false narratives, and generally trying to make things worse rather than better.

My frustration comes from most people digging their feet in when it comes to their own personal take, and they won’t even listen to anything that doesn’t fit their narrative, let alone acknowledge and learn from any of it. It would be one thing if it was just random Twitter assholes, but I’m also talking about politicians and people in power who are acting the same way. Tom Cotton says “The riots have nothing to do with the death of George Floyd.”Β It doesn’t seem like the best idea to dismiss the pain and rage of those rioters who have obviously gone too far, but who are still upset with police abuse.

It’s amazing to see how many people who don’t want to be generalized or lumped together into one group, how they feel totally justified in doing that to people who aren’t on their side. “All cops are corrupt, murderous assholes!” “All protesters are violent, thieving arsonists!” Many people can’t or won’t admit that there are differences between peaceful protesters, the rowdy-but-non-criminal activists, the looters, the vandals, the people causing physical harm. It’s just easier for people to label them all as rioters so they can dismiss them as not worthy of being heard.

And then of course there’s a huge amount of people on the opposite side who can’t or won’t acknowledge that there are many different types of cops within law enforcement, including naive / optimistic officers seeking change, cops that just see it as a 9 to 5 job, officers who are on a power trip, ones who absolutely abuse their power, and then ones that can calmly kill detained suspects. And I’d think the one thing that both “sides” could agree on, is that we’re seeing far too many examples of the worst at both ends of the spectrum – and all it does is damage the message that they want to be heard. Yeah, everyone is mad, but if you take it too far then people are just gonna roll their eyes.

The second most widely spread bullshit take when it comes to this stuff, is that “If you aren’t breaking the law then you don’t have anything to worry about.” First of all, this is demonstrably untrue… and even if someone is breaking a law, are we as a society ready for law enforcement to commit physical violence in realtime for those offenses? What would those people think is a “fair punishment” for crimes such as stepping off of a sidewalk, being out 15 minutes past curfew, walking near people who are causing a disturbance, flipping off or cussing out a cop? Do we really want law enforcement to be able to kick, punch, drag, or choke people for those things? How about tear gas, rubber bullets, flash bang grenades, pepper spray projectiles? All of that is fine? If you’re only gonna watch one video on this page, make it this one – and put yourself or one of your children in the place of any of the folks who are taking the abuse…

And on Twitter, some chuckle fuck would immediately reply with “Well it wouldn’t be me or my kids in their shoes because we wouldn’t be participating in that!” And to that, I say… participating in what? Exercising your first amendment rights because you’re angry that police keep killing people without consequence? How about the people that are simply walking near someone who’s causing trouble? You could never be one of those people either? Those folks need to spare us all from their bullshit “it could never be me” crap.

One of the worst things that I’ve seen was in Austin TX. A college kid was shot in the back of the head with a “non lethal” projectile while cracked his skull and caused brain damage. The cops wouldn’t help him “in the street” and told people to take him to the police station. And when those people carried that critically injured man to the police department, they were immediately shot multiple times with pepper spray balls. And yeah, I’m being more hard on the police in this blog entry… because we should be able to expect more from the police. The people who vandalize, loot, start fires, etc… of course they should be arrested, charged, and prosecuted. But when cops act like criminals, that’s when “all” starts to get lost.

President Obama gave a wonderful speech yesterday, and among the things he said – he sent out a message to the mayors of every city across our nation, challenging them to review their “use of force” policies when it comes to the police departments and other law enforcement that they’re in control of. But then Donald Trump almost immediately issued a statement on Twitter, distancing himself from the idea of law enforcement reform – and instead saying the only thing he has in common with Obama is that they both fired the same army general. (Because Trump was being salty about being called out by that general, and that’s more important than the safety of every citizen in the country.)

At least national sentiment does seem to be finally turning against Donald Trump. He has never acknowledged the reason that people are protesting, and instead keeps doubling down with increased law enforcement presence, calling in military troops and vehicles, and threatening to send them to every state in order to “dominate” with force. Talk about lack of self-awareness. Hundreds of thousands of people are protesting against abusive law enforcement, and Trump’s response is essentially… “You wanna see abusive law enforcement?” I mean, his troops were using violence and pepper spray to clear the streets of humans as Donald Trump was giving a speech just yards away, claiming to be this amazing ally to peaceful protesters.

He knows that everyone knows he’s full of shit. He also knows that while plenty of people will call him out and be rightfully upset by his actions, he knows that there’s a massive number of people who simply won’t care that he’s a violent, self-serving liar, threatening the country with his military dominance. (I’d swear that a lot of people want to be him in that instance.) The same vibe that the abusive cops give… DO AS I SAY OR FACE THE CONSEQUENCES, NO MATTER WHAT YOU’VE ACTUALLY DONE OR NOT DONE IN REGARDS TO THE LAW.

Okay, I better start wrapping it up, because I could obviously go on and on and on about it. But my take on this doesn’t feel like it should be controversial or objectionable, but boy is it to a lot of folks. George Floyd was murdered by those cops, and they should be charged and prosecuted accordingly. I absolutely support the protests. Everyone should be outraged, not just POC or people who are more likely to experience police brutality. I’m not even upset when those protesters break curfew, block roads, or protest in “scary voices” right in the face of law enforcement. If cops react to those actions with violence instead of simply arresting folks, then it just makes it that much easier to see which ones are the bad ones, and which ones will stand by and do nothing as the bad ones inflict pain and suffering on US citizens.

Yeah, I’m fucking heated about this stuff… and for the same reason as a million other people. The folks in power know what the protests are about, but they’d rather dismiss everyone as vandals, trouble makers, criminals – so that way they don’t have to acknowledge the problem of law enforcement abusing their power. The way the cops seem to be increasing their abuse, it appears that they’re scared of losing that power. Same thing with the political leaders. If law enforcement no longer has its knee on the neck of society, that makes the sketchy people in power really fucking nervous.

Politicians, police unions, etc have been praising many police departments for the way they’ve “shown amazing restraint” during all of this. And yeah, in a lot of instances that’s probably true. Shooting people “only” with rubber bullets, knee knockers, pepper balls, tear gas canisters… instead of live ammunition. But I hope the people offering that praise to the cops… I hope they realize that the people on the other side have been showing remarkable restraint as well. How many days in a row will our society watch innocent people getting the shit kicked out of them by out of control law enforcement officers? How long will they be okay with Donald Trump unilaterally deploying the United States fucking military into the streets to control us all? Yeah, there’s a lot of restraint all around, but I wouldn’t count on that lasting a whole lot longer…

Not Yet

It’s a deceptively beautiful day outside so far today, but I don’t think I’m ready to make a trip to the store like I was considering quite yet. My brain hasn’t really made it out of “weekend” mode, and after a night of bad dreams and waking up in a cold sweat a few times – I’m finding it easier to kinda just sit here with the doors open, trying to absorb some of the “nice” while I plan a few things I need to work on later this afternoon.

I think, lingering in the background processes of my brain, the way that a lot of the country is planning to “re-open” is filling me with an ominous feeling. 😳 Since not every state practiced a well-thought, simultaneous “shelter at home” order along with every other state – the effectiveness of such precautions has already been damaged. Sure, your state will have lower numbers while they individually practice such restrictions, but if surrounding states aren’t being as careful and allow their infection numbers to grow, what do you think’s gonna happen when your state decides to relax their rules?

You may have seen the videos on Twitter or the news… where, just because rules have been relaxed, hundreds of people decided to pour into the streets, the parks, the sidewalks, the beaches… basically just because they haven’t been allowed to for so long, and now they can. Good for them? πŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈπŸ˜Ÿ And when reporters ask them why they’re out and mingling with others, it’s almost always a “Because I can!” / “Because it’s our right as ‘murricans!” type of answer. Awesome. 😐 Way to prove a point. 😐 Job well done. 😐

If you look at the actual numbers though, you’ll see that we’re getting ready to open back up right at the time when people should be recognizing that the isolation is making a difference, and that if all states keep/start doing it, the downward trends should continue. But no, politicians are obviously gung-ho about opening up, the citizens hear the optimism, and far too many of them are now thinking and acting like the danger has passed and there’s less (or no) need for precautions. 😞 And in a further display of stupidity, our governor was going to mandate that for the time being – employees of stores and their customers must all wear masks. Sounds like a responsible idea, right? Well, he had to go back on that because of public outcry, of people being that vocal that they shouldn’t have to wear a mask, and so he not only backtracked on that – but essentially apologized for it by saying that they “went too far” with that rule.

It’s just amazing to me that there are that many people bitching about having to wear a mask. Something to protect them. Something to protect employees. Something to protect everyone by lowering the transmission rate. Who are these angry people? Who could be so selfish to angrily protest such a rule, others be damned? ☹️ It blows my mind…

So, yeah, I was originally gonna go out today and get pop for me and Dad, along with some other stuff, but obviously with all of that stuff swirling around in my thoughts, today isn’t the day for me to go out and do that. Especially since it’s likely that there will be a lot more folks out today than before. It’s just a creepy feeling to live in a state where so many people are vocally and angrily opposed to cooperating with a very simple precaution. 😟 Yeah, that’s not most people, but it doesn’t take many careless or indifferent infected people to cough or smear their cooties all over the place and ruin it for everyone else.

If anything, the state starting to “open up” is more likely to make me stay at home. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ It’s like if you’re at the beach and there’s been a shark warning – but the lifeguard says it’s all clear now, and people can return to the water if they want. 😧 You’ll have plenty of people who go running in, neck-deep… meanwhile, my ass would stay planted in the sand as I watched the water to see what happened. πŸ˜ŸπŸ€” That’s what right now feels like to me… the time to watch from the safety of my living room for a while, to see what’s gonna happen. πŸ₯Ί And if this virus is anything like what most doctors are saying, “what happens” ain’t gonna be good.

Another heavy blog entry… I’ll try to balance it out with something lighter this evening. 🀞🏻 My mood isn’t actually that bad otherwise, it’s just taking me a lot longer to get mentally and physically moving today than I’d prefer. I’ve got workers comp / settlement mail that I’ve yet to read, and then wanna do some typical straightening up around the living room and bedroom… so if I’m hard to reach today, I’m probably just trying to do something to make myself feel productive and normal. πŸ™‚

THIS.

BTS Comeback Trailer

Guess I haven’t made an entry for a little while. Been feeling a little sick, sleep has been screwy, and then of course I had my monthly doctor appointment yesterday which means several days of bullshit in order to get my meds. 😠 I was able to pick up one of them today, but I’m not doing the “pay for it first and then we’ll refund you” thing like I usually do. Gonna try to wait them out until it is approved, since it legally has to be eventually. Meh… I’ve already explained and complained about that shit, and this month’s no different.

But there was something that put me in a good mood the other day. πŸ˜ƒ BTS released their comeback video for their next album, with a song featuring Suga called Shadow. If you’re a fan, you’ve probably already seen it, but if not… watch it first, before you read everything that I have to say about it below the video. 😏

(Make sure you turn on captions by hovering over the video and changing the selection at the bottom.)

I’m a huge BTS fan now, thanks to Cassi subjecting me to their music long enough to where I began to like and appreciate it, but I’m probably just a bit short of being considered Army. πŸ™‚πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ My bias in the group is Jungkook, but with this video I think Suga just jumped ahead of J-Hope for second place. But for as short as this song is, to squeeze in three distinctly different styles… along with all the visuals… it’s just impressive for a “sneak peek” into their next album that drops on February 21st.

Okay, here’s the shit I wanna comment on, sorta in order as it happens in the video…

  • First thing I noticed is that the music is actually the background for the chorus of Fake Love. 😯 Also, the way he runs down the hallway is a flashback to Jungkook running in the Fake Love MV.
  • Second thing: Suga rapping in English. 😳 Wat? πŸ˜…
  • As he runs down the hallway, it’s him taking all of the ambition that he’s thinking about, and choosing to break through to where the lights are bright and the shadows are waiting. Clothes change from light (good) to dark (bad).
  • Once he’s broken through and found himself in the spotlight, gained the fame, he feels the weight of the shadows of what his life used to be like – before he became a celebrity… making him question if it’s all worth it, basically abandoning who you once were in order to become what he now is.
  • Once he’s on the stage, all of the people in the audience are just blank, still, and holding their phones in the air to record – rather than fully experiencing what he’s doing. πŸ₯Ί He even looks dejected as he looks down on them. (Kind of a burn to some of the fans.)
  • At different points in the video, “ORUL82?” pops up for a few frames… which is obviously a reference to that track on a much older album, which was about following your dreams no matter what it takes – but it didn’t have the dark spin of Suga now knowing the negatives that go along with fame. 😟
  • Then you see the two versions of him… one on stage performing, and the other in the audience – apparently representing the younger version of him that would watch other performers and want to be famous like that.
  • Then the “shadow” version of him takes over, telling him how those feelings of uncertainty, regret, insecurity are always going to be there, that there’s no escaping the bad feelings if you’re gonna also strive to get the good things that come with being at the top of your game.
  • Even though the shadow side is portrayed as being “dark” or “bad” … that’s the side that has his confidence, that knows both good and bad are inside of him, and that those two sides are gonna fight sometimes – but that if he learns to accept it he’ll be able to move forward with more peace. 😌
  • But with the way the song ends, it looks like he still hasn’t been able to reconcile both the good and the bad, as he just gets lost in the crowd of swarming fans.

So yeah, in a way it’s the typical “be careful what you wish for” or “it’s so hard being famous” type narratives that a thousand other songs have, but the visuals in this video really do tell a compelling story. Lots of callbacks from when they were younger and much less in the spotlight, using cues from Fake Love in both the music and visuals, but with their shadows now stalking them all right outside of their hotel rooms, the visual reminder of “ORUL82?” which had a much more optimistic view on striving to hit your goals in life, etc.

It really makes me wonder what the album is gonna be like. πŸ™‚ The current phase of releases is under the “Map of The Soul” theme, and this album has “Shadow” and another track that will be called “Ego” – so I don’t know if it’s gonna be a half-and-half album where the first part is all optimistic and light, and the second half is all hard and dirty, tackling stuff like anxiety and depression and loneliness or what. πŸ€”πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ

Heh… I say that I’m not Army, but as soon as that video came out I began noticing this, noticing that, catching all the references, etc… so maybe I am getting closer. 😁 I actually tried to get tickets for me and Cassi when they were touring in the US, but they sold out so damn quickly. πŸ™ By the time I was able to access the Ticketmaster site and try to select two seats side by side – after “You are in the queue” for about 15 minutes – all that was left were single seats scattered around the stadium. 😟 Hoping we get another chance this year.

If you wanna see a ridiculously well-choreographed concert performance from them, click here. 😌

VΓ‚N SCOTT: Die Young

After having my thyroid removed because of cancer, having the follow-up radiation and scans… and nobody willing to give me an “all clear” after all of it – just more check-ups and scans in the near future, it gets my brain in a weird place sometimes. In times like that, this song really speaks to me…

I’m still optimistic and hopeful when it comes to my recovery, but it’s always there in the back of my head… not getting the “all clear” really sucks. But I think they’ll be able to catch it if it returns, since most of the affected tissue is already gone. So I’m not predicting an early expiration date, but sometimes I wonder…

Creeping Toward The Finish Line

I figured I better get on here and make an entry while I’ve got the juice to do so. I know I said I wouldn’t bitch after doing that weed spraying outside the other night, and I’m not doing this to bitch – just to update… 😏 but cripes, that little bit of work messed me up somethin’ fierce. πŸ˜“

Overheated, energy sucked away, yet even with my full compliment of evening meds I laid awake all night, until about 9am the next morning. πŸ˜’ I got a couple hours sleep at that point, but still feeling exhausted I actually took that day’s evening meds and went to bed at 7pm. πŸ™πŸ»πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ Had to be at the hospital for labs the next day, so I didn’t want to take any chances that it would be another sleepless night.

The whole night followed the routine of falling asleep for a couple hours, then waking up for one… lather, rinse, repeat. By the time I was actually able to wake up enough to get my day going the next day, I had spent a total of 15 hours in bed 😳 yet woke up feeling more drained than when I originally went to bed the night before. It’s amazing how screwed up my body has become, from just missing that teeny tiny single thyroid function replacement pill each day, and obviously I haven’t hit the bottom yet.

But I made it to the hospital, got my blood drawn and labs started, and on the way out I actually ran into a friend in one of the hallways. She was on her way to see one of her family members, but I was so out of it I barely even realized when she waved as I passed her. She looked like she wanted to be there about as much as I did, and the way I almost just walked past her, I had to comment that we were like “The Walking Dead” just lumbering past each other. πŸ§Ÿβ€β™‚οΈπŸ˜ Not in any sense of the seriousness of why I was there, but more that I was just oblivious and drained and grumbling to myself in my head, to where I passed literally two feet from one of my friends and almost didn’t even notice.

But the past 48 hours have made me toss away (for now, anyway) that urge that I always have… that I need to do something useful or productive each day, no matter how shitty I feel. Yeah, F that. I gotta be realistic, because with this shit there is no “mind over matter” that will allow me to pull energy from some mysterious reserve. πŸ˜• It’s really okay though – because now that it has proven itself to me, that there is no fighting against it or whatever… that’s just how it’s gonna be until I can get back on the thyroid meds. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ It’s still indescribably awful… but like I keep reminding myself… it’s temporary.

But just so people aren’t concerned, I am still able to drive, so if there’s an emergency or I need to get food or whatever – Lancaster has plenty of drive-thru joints that I can go to without leaving the car… and if I really need anything beyond that I can always hit up Toni, or Genesee – who has reminded me that she’s still got plenty of people around here that would be willing to help out if needed. I mean, it won’t come to any of that (at least I don’t think it will) because as long as my labs come back the way they want – I’ll get the radiation dose next week and will only have to make it through that following Thursday.

Heh… how lame. πŸ™„ Sitting here, happy that I had enough mental/physical oomph to write this. πŸ˜πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ

Bubble Doesn’t Always Work

It’s been a rough, rough week… but I’m not even gonna talk about all of it. I don’t want to take the chance of spreading more negative emotions just because it helps me to get things off my chest. Going to bed early tonight. Hoping for a reset of my body and mind. Glad I made it through the week… sadly, the same can’t be said for one of my old friends from school. He was a couple grades ahead of me, so I was actually closer to his little brother. Definitely one of those things where nobody even saw it coming. But yeah, I’m tired of this week… so the sooner I get to sleep, the sooner it will be over and I can try to start fresh.

Happy (late) birthday, Dad…Β  trying to get good enough where I can visit soon. Sorry… that’s all I can say. 😞