Am I Ready For This?

I burned out early today. Woke up and began work on a bullet list of questions and concerns regarding the settlement talks that may start soon. Plus I banged out a quick letter to go along with it, basically expressing my concerns about some of the things that have been suggested so far, and making sure that this upcoming meeting is one where we’re going to further discuss things – and not one where they’ve got papers that I’m expected to be ready to sign.

So I dropped that off in the mail when I went in town to hit the pharmacy again. Half-success this time. One of my two workers comp medications was approved and covered, but I had to pay for the other one in order to not go without for who knows how long. Luckily I dealt with the two people there who are probably the most familiar with how I get jerked around, and they were both great and did everything they could to help.

That doesn’t sound like I did much, but starting on that stuff when I woke up, spending a good amount of time making a list of all the things that stress me out about the idea of a settlement, along with making it clear that I’m not super enticed by the whole thing yet… I obviously don’t want to appear “difficult” to my attorneys, but I’m also making sure they know from the start that I don’t want to get stepped on.

So working on that, trying to make the letter and list as brief-yet-effective as possible, and then immediately going in and dealing with the continuing stress (that happens each month) of trying to simply get my normal medication. When there’s three different WC related trajectories that are coming to a head, and I focus my thoughts and energy on just those things for several hours… heh… I just can’t really do that. Not if I want to be of much use in the later afternoon and evening. All of the “ugh” just wears me out.

But I completed the important things today, so I’ll let it slide that I wasn’t able to do much more than that for the rest of the day. Reset tonight and start again tomorrow. Hopefully they get that letter tomorrow, before anybody gets ahead of themselves, and before he calls me to set up that meeting. I’d just prefer them to be at least close to “on the same page as me” before I go up there and potentially waste anybody’s time.

In this situation, I imagine that a settlement requires concessions from both sides, where the final product isn’t necessarily something that either side is thrilled about… but with as much unneeded stress, anxiety, delays, hearings, pharmacy difficulties, etc that they’ve injected into my life (and it’s still ongoing…) nobody should expect me to come to the table and be an agreeable broken person that’s just gonna be happy with whatever scraps they may be willing to give me. I want my team to lean on these people with a force stronger than they might even realize they’re capable of. 😠

Ramping Up

It’s barely past noon and I’m already needing to disengage my brain for a little bit, before I put it back in gear and get to work on various upcoming shit. And today was supposed to be a day off. 😏

Rather than calling my doctor’s office about the pharmacy’s weirdness, I decided to just go in to talk to them so I could better convey what was going on, and so I could also check to see if my MRI request had been approved or denied yet. (It has been submitted but so far there has been no further action.) That was also the only way I could avoid making a phone call, since my anxiety re: that has been increasing lately. πŸ“žπŸ˜³

But just like my pharmacy problem reached out to inject itself back into my sphere of shit to handle, my workers comp stuff in general has reached a point where my lead attorney had to contact me today. By phone, of course. πŸ˜πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ (And it happened right as I was preparing to go through the car wash.) So I drove into the Target parking lot, turned the car off, and had a 20 minute conversation with him.

Twenty minutes of unexpected, serious legal conversation… when my brain is already mostly full with my concerns about the upcoming Industrial Commission hearing as well as the actual court case that is meant to bring my situation to a resolution. I took in everything that he said, but I need to take a break here at home for a little bit before I can start lining it all up. 😐 Right now it’s bouncing around in my head, waiting for me to find a place for it among all the other WC nonsense.

It was an overall positive conversation, but still… anything regarding workers comp, meds, treatment, settlements, court, etc… it’s still friggin’ exhausting to process after having been in the system and fighting the good fight for well over a decade. πŸ˜• And while he is the lead attorney, handling all the bigger issues, he isn’t the one that handles my case on a day to day basis, for lack of a better term.

So he said he’s gonna talk to my trial attorney, and they’re going to set up a time when I can go up to Columbus again to their main office (which is an entire floor of a downtown high rise) to meet with the team. πŸ€“πŸ‘¨πŸ»β€πŸ’ΌπŸ‘¨πŸ»β€πŸ’ΌπŸ‘©πŸ»β€πŸ’ΌπŸ‘¨πŸ»β€πŸ’ΌπŸ—ƒοΈ Even though “the other side” is the party that initiates all the complications, it seems that they’re finally getting tired of fighting these same fights over and over again. Especially since the IC almost always finds in my favor. The total billable hours they’ve spent to challenge me must be insane.

So I’m kinda in the driver’s seat right now, but I’m well aware how quickly that could change. Once I’m done with this little break I’m gonna have to figure out the implications of all of the things we discussed, and then I’ll start a list of my questions and concerns that I’ll need to discuss with him and my other attorneys about before I make any decisions. πŸ€”πŸ€¨ Okay… I could probably ramble on with more details, but I think that’s good for now. I need to sit on this for a bit and not screw it up.

Wait, How Much?

The other day I did some investigating in regards to the monthly cost of the various medications that I’m prescribed, for the injury/disability that is currently covered by my workers comp claim. It’s been quite a while since I’ve given it much thought, but man… now that I see the numbers… damn. 😧 These are the prices that I would pay if I had no insurance, and was paying for my prescriptions with cash.

  • Medication #1” – Brand Name: $284.99 / Generic: $73.59
  • Medication #2” – Brand Name: $1314.99 / Generic: $535.99
  • Medication #3” – Brand Name: $996.99 / Generic: (N/A)

So with those figures… add in the monthly office appointments, the potential tests or procedures that I might need to have in the future… and you can see how I’d be a bigger financial burden to my WC insurer than one might originally think. (And it sure makes these settlement negotiations feel a whole lot more significant to my future.)

“Wake Up, Case 1485729-4”

Fell asleep around dawn and then was awoken by a phone call from one of my attorneys a few hours later. πŸ˜’ We’ve got quite a bit of outstanding issues right now, and after the long weekend I could almost feel this call coming… so much so that I didn’t turn my ringer off, since I did need to talk to him.

This entry might as well be titled “What Else Is Wrong?” since, in part, it’s essentially going to be a sequel to my most recent post. As you may or may not know, I try to keep my online presence as free as possible from a) bitching about my pain/disability, and b) talking about specifics of my workers comp case. Partially out of pride, partially because nobody really wants to hear about it anyway.

I’m not sure I even remember what I used to be like before all of this dominated my life. I know it’s not pleasant now, to put it extremely mildly, and I know it’s a constant pain in the ass… so even though it’s hard to remember, I do miss the time when my life was my own and I wasn’t being led by the nose through by doctor visits, IC hearings, physical disability, medication requirements, mental stress, pharmacy policies, insurance companies, and now actual an actual court case. 😞

I’m just frustrated because we’re less than two months away from the court stuff starting and so far the settlement stuff is going nowhere. πŸ˜• Their side will submit their brief to the court, my side will have a few weeks to reply, and then it starts getting serious. The court will likely want to depose any doctors that have seen or treated me, on both sides, which means I’d have to hope that I could essentially “rent” my doctor for half a day to give testimony – which would be ridiculously expensive. 😣 (Not to mention ridiculously annoying since he’s already submitted report, after report, after report, in writing.)

So my attorney is going to find out how much they’ve paid each year, on average, for my treatment and medication – and then tomorrow or the next day, when I go to the pharmacy to pick up this month’s meds, I’m going to have them print out what the “out of pocket” cost would be for each medication if I was paying for them with no insurance at all. πŸ€“ With those figures we’ll again try to come up with what we believe is a fair settlement, and then they’ll have to decide if the continuing costs of fighting me are worth it – rather than just settling this and making me go away.

I’m just worried that we won’t be able to get this done before the date of the first hearing. I’m sure it’ll be (us) “Here’s our offer.” followed by (them) “Well, that’s nice, but this is what we’re willing to pay.” followed by (us) “C’mon, get out of here… we need at least (this much)” and then (them) “We’re gonna have to think on this.” with (us) “Well we’re gonna have to think on this too.” Heh… so I don’t know what the odds are of avoiding this court case at this point, but I’d think they are slim.

Against The Wind

I usually have a pretty good game face. 🀡🏻 I mean, here in the blog, yeah… I tend to open up a little more, because at least until I have a single post or photo unexpectedly go viral for some reason that I’m totally not prepared for – this site has very limited readership, but it’s still nice to be able to “let shit out” now and then. πŸƒπŸ»πŸ’¨πŸ’©

Most of the time no matter what amount of physical pain that I may be experiencing, or how much emotional shit that might be dragging me down, I’m gonna do my best to make sure that the average shmo isn’t aware of it. 😐 This is something that Mom and I used to discuss a lot… whether, in the long run, it is better to hide the “bad” in order to appear strong, or if it makes more sense to let people know how you are feeling so that they’ll understand if it starts making you act in a way that seems weird to them.

Well yeah, I’m pretty close to losing that “game face” ability right now. πŸ˜– I’m not gonna bother going through all of the stuff that’s swirling around in my brain 24/7 these days, but let’s just say that I feel something coming again. 😟 And it wasn’t good, the last time this happened. And I know that saying things like this “out loud” in the blog is something that will trigger concern in the people that care about me, but just know that I’ve got a couple friends that I talk to about this stuff, so it’s not like I’m completely isolated. πŸ˜’πŸš‘ But hell, complete isolation sounds like a pretty enticing alternative to the current reality.

Talking about it helps me to fight against it, in case you wondered why I’m willing to spew such personal information and feeling here. And I do still need to fight it. I’m using today as a heavy reset, a hard break to separate the past couple of weeks from the days that are coming… because I’m going into offensive mode tomorrow, rather than waiting for the next thing to come. I’m going to get this fucking estate shit settled. It’s ridiculous that the tiniest things have held this all up for months longer than it really should have lasted.

The whole reason I’ve been as meticulous as possible in the way I’ve handled it is because I wanted to do everything that I could to ensure that the estate ended up with the absolute most amount of money as possible. And that’s not only with my own wants or needs in mind, but more because with Mom and Dad being in retirement age – they are going to want and need as much money as possible as well, to hopefully keep their worries about their financial situation as far from their thoughts as possible.

I feel like the bird that pecks away at the mountain made of diamond, but now that I’m fighting my own court battle and trying to negotiate a settlement regarding my workers comp case, having the estate stuff buzzing around like a mosquito inside of my ear canal… I just need to get it wrapped up so I can divvy up the remains and get it fucking sorted and over with.

There’s no way to get friends and family to truly understand that it’s not personal when I essentially disappear or have to passively ignore them, when I just don’t have it in me to open my FB Messenger or look at my snaps. But that’s where I’ve been for days now, as the messages start building up behind digital doors that get harder and harder for me to open.

I dunno… wish me luck for tomorrow, I guess. 😞 Nothing is gonna magically get better, nothing is gonna suddenly just start sucking less, and the mood or phase that I’m entering… it’s not gonna be easy on me or the people that care about me. So wish me luck for tomorrow. One day. Because that’s how I have to approach things now… a single day at a time, sometimes single hours at a time… I’m not giving in quite yet.