Legal Eagle spells it out much better than I could… and with 99% less emotional exhaustion. 😏🤷🏻♂️
Legal Eagle spells it out much better than I could… and with 99% less emotional exhaustion. 😏🤷🏻♂️
I did a pretty good job of clearing my mind of workers comp stuff this weekend, and it resulted in some strange dreams both nights. Friday night’s dream had a cast of most of my friends and family that are going through some shit right now. But in the dream, everything was great. 🙂 Everyone was dressed up in nice clothes, had their hair and makeup done up, and part of it was taking place in some sort of classy, multi-level club that was full of similarly “dressed up” guests. 🤷🏻♂️😏 It was if we were all there to celebrate something, because everyone was happy and laughing and just having a normal good night out with friends.
In that same dream, I actually left the folks who were enjoying the evening in the club and went out to my car so I could deliver a couple of my other relatives to a cabin where many of us used to go decades ago. 🤔 I’m not sure why, but one of my aunts was excited to get up to the cabin (which was apparently a two hour drive from where we were) because she knew that her first husband would be there – and she didn’t want him to have to wait there, awkwardly, by himself. 😄 Why her first hubby? No idea… but we were then immediately at the cabin, somehow having skipped the drive, and everyone hopped out of the car, went inside, and started happily unpacking as if we were going to be staying for several days. 😊
Next night’s dream, Dad and I were walking along the sidewalk by the canal in the town where I grew up. It was current day, but we were both significantly younger … and I’m not sure why we were walking in town, but I stopped as we were slowly going past the house that we lived in when I was in high school. 😯 Dad actually bumped into me since he wasn’t expecting me to stop, but I had noticed (as I was looking through the front doors) that they had added several different flights of stairs in the living room – probably attached to the recently built rear addition, which is actually bigger than the original house. (Also true in reality.)
I then noticed that there was makeshift scaffolding around the entire house, made of wood that was basically the size and shape of railroad beams… and I was able to climb up some of these angled beams to get to the windows of the front upper bedroom, which now had a swinging wooden door in place of one of the windows. 😃 I knocked on the door, and the people inside let me in…
It turns out that they were all living in this upper addition to the house, but without the homeowners below knowing about it… so nobody was talking, nobody was making any noise, and they motioned that I could come in – even though nobody spoke to me. 😬🤫 Everyone was wearing Hogwarts type robe / uniform things, like from the Harry Potter movies, and they all seemed to be moving about the house with purpose. 🧐 I stood and watched for a while, being careful to stay out of everyone’s way, and that was about it.
I know “other people’s dreams” are essentially of negative interest to everyone else in the world 🙄🤷🏻♂️😏 so I don’t expect anyone to really care what I dreamed about, and I’m only posting about them because it was amazing how not about “my stuff” they all were. Plus, it was nice that everyone who is going through some shit in real life… it’s nice that in my dream, all of them were having a great time, feeling good, looking good, and not worrying about much of anything. 😊 Tough dreams to wake up from though… when you become awake enough for reality to come back to your brain, but it was still a nice change of pace.
(Alternate / Extended Title: Haven’t You Learned By Now? You Should Know Better…)
Another day, another disappointment. Not for me… well, yeah, actually for me too… but the night before last I was feeling pretty good, planned on having a productive day yesterday, maybe even go grab Bri and take her somewhere so she could get groceries… but nope. 😒 I just haven’t found the “trick” when it comes to sleeping and my knee in its current state. One night it’ll be fine, next night… fucked. 😠 Last thing I really wanna do is have another round of xrays and scans, fearing that they’ll all “look fine” like with my lower back recently… but yeah, definitely gonna request xrays when I see the doc at the beginning of next week. 😣 Hopefully it’ll be something where a steroid injection will help, because I’m much more inclined to let them do that to my knee than to let them do it in my spine at the base of my neck. 😳
I think I’ve got it through my head now that “feeling better” on one day doesn’t mean it’s actually getting better. It’s not like I’m even pushing myself, but yeah, when I have a slightly better day – I do slightly more stuff… but that’s not working this time. So I’ve been in a shit mood, kinda disappeared from people for a couple of days, haven’t done most of the stuff that I had on my mental “maybe” list, but today – even though it hasn’t been quite as bad – I still haven’t pushed it, and I’m not feeling too bad. 😒 So that’ll keep my mental mood good enough to finally get through the bills (that I skipped the other night due to an instant headache) and probably check and respond to e-mails and messages. 🤞🏻 I think it being the weekend actually helps too, even though that’s sorta dumb when I don’t really keep a normal M-F human schedule except when appointments dictate.
But yeah, I’m around… and I’ll get around to the stuff that I need to get around to, whenever I end up getting around to it. 😏 It’s funny, when you’re young and healthy… and someone older tells you to enjoy it while you can, and tells you about all the random aches and pains and whatever… when you’re young, your brain just won’t allow that idea to register. (And therefore I don’t think anyone is really prepared for it, or accepts it gracefully.) Your brain doesn’t realize that you’ll eventually be the one with all the defective pieces, telling someone younger than you that this is what they’ve got to look forward to. 🙄 Heh… see… this is why it’s better that I just avoid people when I’m like this. Not exactly a ray of sunshine right now.
And say what ya’ want… but I still don’t think I’m old enough to feel this consistently beat up. 😕 </whining>
TRIGGER WARNING: This entry is gonna cover some of the other depressing shit that has also been filling my thoughts and influencing my mood recently. But I think it’ll help to explain why when it did hit me, about Mom being gone gone… why it was so easy for it to knock me down and keep me there.
About a year ago my best friend Jim lost his mom to cancer. At the end of last year, Brianna, another of my closest friends, lost her mom to cancer. And Christina was more than just “Bri’s mom” to me… she treated me like family. Rick, a classmate of mine, has been fighting cancer for two years now, and rarely posts to Facebook anymore, which seems like a bad sign. Then on the first of this month, another school friend, Stephanie, died in her sleep from unknown and absolutely unexpected causes. Her oldest son turned 18 just two days later. And then today, my “cousin-in-law” Gloria lost her sister Wanda to cancer as well.
Jim’s mom was in her early 70s, but Christina was only in her early 40s, Rick is my age, Stephanie was only two years older than me, and I think Wanda may have been barely into her 50s. And Mom’s best friend through the entirety of her adulthood, Cecil… she passed away within the year as well. I’m actually sitting here afraid that I’ve neglected to mention someone, because it seems like every direction that I turn – sickness and death is what I see, and in many cases – in people far, far too young for most to even think it’s a possibility.
(Oof… this is gonna be a downer of an entry, that’s for sure…)
And of course, having cancer myself… or at least having had cancer (fingers crossed)… all of the stuff mentioned above doesn’t exactly do a lot to put my mind at ease. A long life before passing… that is something that hurts, but we understand it. People dying at my age or younger, from things like lung cancer when they were very vocal non-smokers… those are the ones where it starts to make less sense. And then ones like Stephanie that are there one day, making posts about her dog and her son’s upcoming birthday, then *poof* … simply gone the next. No rhyme or reason, and I’m not good when it comes to shit like that.
But for my stuff, I did get another appointment with my family doctor at the beginning of this week, tried to sum up all of the things I’ve been talking about here, and told her that I’m not really comfortable with what (to me) feels like a lack of concern or urgency once my thyroid removal and radiation treatment was completed. I’m not being neglected or anything… but after the surgery, radiation, and scan – other than the thyroid guy getting my levels right via medication, nothing else has happened or was scheduled to happen until July. I realized that I’m not okay with that. “You have cancer. We cut the cancer thing out. We think we got all the cancer. See you in half-a-year.” Christina also got the “we think we got it all” speech after her first surgery as well (I was there) so… umm… no. Not good enough.
It would be another thing if I honestly just felt great, and all these other things were just spooking me, but that’s not the case. Without going into details, there are things that just feel “wrong” for lack of a better term, and since I’ve gone with the “flashy” insurance this year I would be dumb to not metaphorically pound my fist on the table and ask for a little more. So that’s where I’m at now… the start of “a little more” phase. Tomorrow I’m seeing someone regarding my come-and-go, sometimes excruciatingly painful back problem… and, thankfully, with the lab being in the same building, my primary care provider has ordered an assload of blood and urine tests to not only hit on the regular “physical” type stuff, but cancer indicators as well… so I’ll do those right after the back guy.
So yeah… I’ll admit that with all of this stuff on my mind, I’ve essentially disappeared as far as my friends would describe it. At least in person, I mean. One, it’s hard to want to go out and do anything fun or visit with anyone when my brain is so full of this shit… and two, more than half of the time I just physically feel too crappy to even consider it. Now that it’s going to be looked into with a little more detail, I’m hoping that with good or at least encouraging results I’ll be more likely to spend at least a few days trying to act like everything is fine, and hopefully trying to start living my life again.
I’ve been out to see Dad a few times in the past month and a half, but when it’s hard to make myself get up and do anything even on good days – I know that I’ve not been visiting as much as I should or as much as I want. It’s hard to explain “I just can’t.” to someone, when it’s hard for you to even understand yourself. I can’t remember the last time I’ve opened my e-mail app, but I’m gonna try to at least start doing that again. My biggest problem is that I’m not exactly some cheery ray of sunshine right now, and I’ll probably struggle to come up with e-mails to Dad that are any less depressing than this particular blog entry. I guess that’ll force me to really think about each day, or couple of days, to find the little good (or at least “okay”) moments that I’m sure are there. But yeah, that’s the plan for now…
(And I’ll try to limit the depressing topics here in the blog for a while after today’s posts. Wish me luck.)
I don’t want tomorrow to feel like today did, so I’m gonna try my hardest to push aside all of the bad things in my mind – and hopefully do some things that I know should be fun. It’s so strange how the past few years have kinda stolen “fun” in general from me. I’ve got two current game systems, several different cameras, that Playstation VR system I haven’t even set up yet, a couple decent musical keyboards, the C64 Mini system I got the other day… and all of it just sits here.
I think the more that bad, sad, or unfortunate things started happening to me, my friends, and my family… the less able I’ve been to allow myself to have fun. Even if I have moments where I’m not feeling bad about my own shit, I guess I sorta feel like it’s not right for me to have fun when some of my friends and family are dealing with their own bad, sad, unfortunate shit. I know it’s dumb, and I kinda know how I got here… but that doesn’t matter… what matters is changing my way of thinking and letting myself just enjoy shit now and then.
I have to just accept that some people might roll their eyes or have something shitty to say if they think I should be doing “this” when I decide to do “that” – because if I live my life making sure I make everyone else happy… well, that’s just some bullshit… but believe it or not that’s how I’ve been for a long while now.
Meh… but anyway, tomorrow has to be different. I think once I straighten up the living room a little bit I’m gonna hook up both the C64 Mini and the PSVR. Who would have thought, back in the late 80s, when Mom, Dad, and Aunt C bought me a C64C, 1541-II disk drive, Okidata 120 dot matrix printer, and 13″ color TV… that almost 30 years later I’d be so excited to have a baby version of that old computer that I can play on my 50″ HDTV. Oh, and I also have that CD of scanned slides that I still need to check out.
So many things stuck with me from my childhood. The computers, the classic video games, the nerdy interest in photography, radio, musical keyboards, and tech in general -and even a lot of the music from back then that still means the most to me… all of those started as these little seeds that were planted back then, which are still growing strong in me to this day. Well, maybe not “strong” for some of them, but I still want them to be…
Tomorrow’s gonna be different. Even if it’s just tomorrow.
It’s been a challenging few days again. Four hours of sleep a night is all that I’m apparently allowed to get for the time being. It certainly doesn’t contribute to waking up in a decent mood, prepared to do much of anything. Luckily a few of those nights were over the weekend, so it didn’t matter much, but I was hoping to wake up today with a different attitude.
Yeah, no luck with that.
I woke up a couple hours before dawn, was up a while, took a nap, then ended up waking up and immediately forcing myself out of the house (essentially tricking the twitchy part of my brain) so I could pick up some pop, groceries, and grab some Burger King. I actually went to Logan… for whatever reason, it felt easier than going into Lancaster. Between stops I took a break in the parking lot over by my aunt’s old house. The wishing well is still there, although it’s close to crumbling, and they’ve put new siding on the place – but otherwise you wouldn’t know the difference. I guess getting rid of 100 old grinding wheels isn’t easy.
Made it through the whole trip… I know, which sounds weird to most people, because, why wouldn’t someone make it through a short trip out. But getting home and not being completely wiped out was a nice change. And this time, rather than thinking “Ahh! I’ve got it beat today.” and trying to do a whole lot more, I just went out front, sat and watched the birds in the big pine tree, and kept my mind free. (Other than remembering that it was this time a year ago that I was out in the front yard playing with Brantley at dusk… until we heard the buzzards creeping louder and lower in the tree… heh)
Hoping it holds and helps me sleep, but I’m not gonna hold my breath.
Some of you may know that I’ve got an issue with being able to check my email. I had to deal with quite a few “unpleasant” things through email, so apparently my brain just had enough and now it won’t let me use it. Despite that, I’ve recently (begrudgingly, with difficulty) been checking my messages out of necessity, but last night I had another setback when I checked my junk folder for a message that I’m waiting for, but instead saw an email that was allegedly from my mom. 😐 Now, Mom is quite sick, has no computer access, and even if she did – she wouldn’t be capable of sending anyone any email messages.
Even though I haven’t used email in ages, long ago I set up filters that would automatically trash any messages from people who I thought might damage my calm. 😒 But since I knew that Mom wouldn’t be sending any messages I had no reason to add her name to the filter. (She wouldn’t damage my calm, I’ve just excluded all family from my inbox.) So I don’t know if someone hacked her old account, or if it was a fake header just based on data-mined information about me… but I deleted it and added her to the filter. 😣 Can’t explain how depressing it is to see something like that, when there was a time that we did often exchange a bunch of messages… but knowing that those times are long gone now. 😕
More sad news… I’ve got to go up to Columbus tomorrow to be with Cassi when she takes Lily in to be put to sleep. 😟 She’s had kidney problems for months now, but it’s gotten to the point where even though she’s still lovey, she’s visibly sick all the time, can’t control her potty stuff, can’t really eat or drink… of course it’s the “still lovey” thing that makes it so hard. (Not that it’s ever easy to lose a pet.) She tried doing weekly injections to jump-start kidney function, but eventually that stopped working. The vet agrees that it’s time, so yeah… ugh. 😢 To try and find some good cat news, at least Z is happy, doing good, and isn’t obese like she used to be. 🤷🏻♂️ So there’s that.
And here’s some bonus awfulness. One of my good friends, his mom has been fighting cancer for a while now – and it turns out the doctor recently told her that she should expect to live for only three more months, give or take a bit. So she’ll make it through the holiday season, which is a blessing, but once the new year gets here things are gonna start to get bad for her and him. 😞 One of my other friends, she just got done with her final round of chemo and will be going in for her “final” scans at the end of the month. 😬 And I have to admit that I haven’t checked on Rick for a while to see how his leukemia battle is going… it’s just all so overwhelming when you think about it all at once, on top of life’s normal suck.
I swear, if I sat here and listed off every single thing that I have a legitimate reason to be upset or depressed about, people would max out their data plans just trying to read it all. Almost all of it is beyond my control, so it’s hard for me to come to terms with. I’m one of those people that always tells friends that sometimes they have to accept the suck in their lives, and that they shouldn’t expect every day to be full of friends, fun, excitement, happiness… but fuck… I’d like a break please.