One More Day Won’t Hurt

Only slept two hours last night… thinking about the call coming from the doctor in the morning. However when I woke up I didn’t take my phone out of “do not disturb” mode, so I see that I have at least one voice mail message… but two hours of sleep + important medical phone calls didn’t mix today. πŸ˜” I’m exhausted and it isn’t even dusk yet, so I’m gonna go to bed really early tonight, take some Tylenol PMs as well, so hopefully I’ll not only sleep a ton – but also wake up early in the morning to check my voice mail and return calls right away if needed. In fact, I’m gonna go ahead and turn off all of my electronicals now.

So, yeah, I’m stumbling a bit at the start, but I’ll get it figured out here soon…

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No More Stalling

Coming up on 4:00 am, so of course I’m still wide awake. πŸ™„ I wussed out the past couple of days re: getting in touch with my thyroid doctor, but since I know I have to do it tomorrow… (well, later today actually) yeah, this is just how my brain likes to do things. “Something important you have to do tomorrow? DON’T FALL ASLEEP! KEEP THINKING ABOUT IT!πŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ Thank you very much, brain.

Believe it or not, I’ve finally gotten myself to a point where I’m not actually stressing over it that much… it’s just the “ugh” of the slog that I’m gonna have to go through. πŸ˜’ So taking a couple extra days to let myself get over the surprise of them bumping it up a bit, I think that was the right choice for me to make. πŸ˜•πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ

And what difference is that couple of days really gonna make, ya know? Sure, I’m still nervous about everything that’s coming up… 😬 who wouldn’t be… but I’m gonna try to keep the faith and tell myself that everyone involved with my treatment is gonna continue to do the best that they can for me. πŸ‘¨πŸ»β€βš•οΈπŸ™πŸ»πŸ™‚

Let’s hope that I still feel this almost-optimistic later today, when I wake from like 4hrs of sleep. πŸ™„

(Shhh… don’t tell anyone, but if I can manage to sleep in, you can bet I’m gonna sleep
in. I’m pretty sure that the doctor’s office will be open all day, at least as far as I know…)

Adjustment

At my most recent shrink appointment, he prescribed Paxil and Lamictal. He spooked me with the Lamictal though, so I haven’t started taking it yet. Serious talk about the possibility of a rash that could mean something very bad. 😳 So it’s a difficult medication to “sell” when someone already has high anxiety. But the Paxil, the first week (which is now done) I was to take only one in the morning. Now, I’m supposed to take one in the morning and one at night. I’m hoping that will help the problem that I’ve noticed all this week.

I’m also going to start the Lamictal tonight as well. I just never like starting two new meds at the exact same time, because then whether I experience a benefit or a side effect, you can’t know which one was the cause… although I suppose sometimes you don’t get the benefit or side effect unless you’re taking both of them. 🧐

This past week, even though I usually slept well, every time that I’d wake up the next day I would have instant severe anxiety already happening. 😣πŸ˜₯ Now, it’s not like this is the first time that this has happened… and I know it sounds bad to describe it this way, but sometimes when anxiety is so bad, it’s just the disappointment of waking up that triggers it. 😐 Oof, yeah, that sounds way worse than I intend it to. But yeah, it was random before, but it’s been a constant since I’ve started taking the Paxil in the morning. So hopefully now that I’ll be taking an evening dose as well, maybe that’ll change how I wake up.

That’s the one positive though… as long as I take it immediately upon waking up in a near panic attack, the feeling actually goes away relatively quickly. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈπŸ™‚ So I’m still hoping this will be something good, and it’s just a matter of getting on the right dosage. And yeah, it’s probably a little weird that I’m just putting this all out here for anyone to read – but it’s not like I’ve tried to keep the “twitchy” side of me a secret. 😏 And I really do know the majority of the things that have triggered it (and keep triggering it) so it’s not like I’m staggering around in the dark, unable to see the boogeyman.

It’s not a permanent solution, because it’s not a good solution, but part of me getting my head straight is by cutting myself off from people for a while. 😞 As I’ve described it before, my empathy is like a horrible super power that I’ve got… and when I know so many people that are going through so many awful things, I absorb the feelings that they’re experiencing regarding many of those things. 😣 Add that on top of my medical stuff, my workers comp stuff, my disability, etc… and unfortunately the easiest way to reduce anxiety is by avoiding the sources (and even potential sources) other than my own. πŸ₯Ί Then (I’m hoping) once I’m in a better place, I’ll be better able to function like a “normal” human and bring myself back into the fold. I don’t know if it’s a good plan, but it’s a plan…

EDIT:Β  Jesus… maybe I’m not quite ready to risk this Lamictal. 😯 I shouldn’t have googled.Β 

A Couple Days Off

It’s not that I took a couple days off, but more that I took care of stuff that needed taken care of – and sorta dropped off the map when it came to answering messages or keeping in touch with anyone those days. πŸ˜• I just didn’t get much sleep before the early morning when the AC guys got here, and they spent all morning and a bit of the afternoon in and out of the house, making noise, getting shit done… and I’m not complaining, because they did a quick and awesome job, but it just threw my brain off for the day which triggered an unintentional nap and then 12 hours of sleep that night. 😳 Not complaining about that either.

The following day was reserved for doctor appointments, and a possible haircut… which didn’t end up happening… my knee was feeling more fucked than the day before, and the day before that, so just driving across town to Riverview was enough to put and keep a scowl on my face from the pain. 😣 Like the day before, I hit the bedroom (and night time meds) early, and sacked out just after the sun went down. Didn’t evenΒ think about checking messages, calls, or e-mails… just felt shitty and wanted the day to end. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ

Today seems like it could be slightly better. No appointments today or tomorrow, my knee actually feels a little bit better… which is always comforting, thinking that whatever it is may “heal” itself without any extra action by me or a doctor or surgeon, but like I said – it’s only slightly better, so I’m not holding my breath. πŸ˜’ But I did make a trip into town to pick up the meds from yesterday’s appointments, and it wasn’t too bad. I think it helped that the sun was out at the time, earlier this morning, even though it looks like the gloomy is starting to roll in along with the afternoon.

My mood hasn’t quite improved enough for me to start tackling all of the message notifications, but I’m hoping by later this afternoon or evening I’ll have shaken this mood and will get to all of the things that need my attention. Bri might be spending her first full night in her apartment tonight, so it’s possible that I’ll try to stop over there and drop off a few of the Amazon boxes of housewarming gifts that Gen had shipped here, for me to give to her. 😏 I dunno… playing this day by ear, still not exactly sure how it’s all gonna go.

New Rule

I have to stop letting how I feel when I wake up each day be an indicator of how I’m going to feel for the rest of the day. 🀨 Especially since I usually have the luxury of waiting it out… taking my morning meds, giving it a little time, and eventually feeling at least somewhat better. And yeah, I know that this is such a “Yeah, no shit.” thing for normal people, so of course my brain just instinctively resists the idea. πŸ™„

I’m gonna be so bad at getting older and more broken if I don’t keep trying to recognize my flawed ways of thinking and trying to change them. πŸ‘¨πŸ»β€πŸ¦³ The other thing that I have to work on is learning to accept that some of the physical things just aren’t going to get better. What’s that Garth Brooks song? Much Too Young (To Feel This Damn Old) 😏 Heh… I really hate that my blog is like 90% “bitching about things” these days though… like today, it was only four hours of sleep, waking up because I could feel my pulse in my friggin’ jaw, and then (when I got up to go to the bathroom)Β discovering that my back is trying to re-fuck itself.

I swear, there’s an invisible hat in my house somewhere, filled with bits of paper listing all of my various potential ailments or irritants for the day, and some unseen force just grabs three or four of them at random and there ya go. πŸ€•πŸ€’πŸ˜–πŸ˜·πŸ˜ŸπŸ€’πŸ˜“β™Ώ The unending uncertainty of each day is such shit… so waking up depressed or mad is understandable, but I gotta stop letting it stick… especially if that’s the only thing that seems to be triggering it on that particular day.

But it’s been a few hours now since I woke up, my meds are kicking in, things are sucking a bit less, but I’m still gonna take it easy today. I’ve got another appointment tomorrow, plus I need to build up some positive juju because I wanna get back in to see Dad again next week, Bri is gonna be induced and have her baby next week as well – starting at 6 friggin’ AM, then on Saturday Jim’s going to Buckeye Lake to meet up with his dad, brother, and Adam at Pizza Cottage and I’ve also been invited. I’ve missed the last couple of hang-outs with them, so I really wanna try to make it this time. πŸ˜”πŸ€žπŸ»

And that leads me back to the new rule. Well, let’s call it a guideline, since I know that I’m going to fail at it at least as often as I succeed…. but without being able to “shake off” how I feel when I wake up, none of that fun stuff on my potential to-do list will be possible. History has proven that more times than I’d like to admit. πŸ˜’ Trying to adjust my attitude each day will let me hopefully be less flakey to my friends and family, and being less flakey to my friends and family in itself will help keep my mood going in the right direction. I just have to hope that my meds decide to start pulling their weight again soon too.

Blank Slate

With the way my past few days had gone, and then getting suckered in by that early evening nap yesterday, I sure didn’t expect to get a decent night of sleep last night anyway and then wake up feeling as good as I do. Keep in mind, it’s always “relatively speaking” when I talk about how I feel… but yup, not too tired, aches and pains aren’t too bad, and whatever ick I’ve been slowly fighting off seems like it may finally be gone.

It’s even fairly warm outside, so I’m gonna go ahead and open up the house to blow some stink out, and maybe do a little of this and that around the house as I watch the race. (Even though, honestly, I probably won’t even really be watching it. I’ve lost so much buzz for NASCAR over the past couple of years.)Β The only mandatory thing for the day is getting the mail opened and bills caught up, but I have a feeling that this will be the first day in a while where I’ll be able to be a little more productive than that without it taking some sort of toll on me. πŸ™‚ It feels silly to be kinda excited about that, but that speaks to how crappy I feel most days.

And when I was at Walgreens to pick up Dad’s prints the other day, I also went ahead and grabbed what will be a purpose-specific little notebook so I can continue to get my shit together. Sure, I could do it on my phone, but I’ve just been wanting a notebook where (all in one place) I can start listing out all my doctors, addresses, phone numbers, meds prescribed by each one, etc… and in another part I’ll do the same with my lawn guy, potential other handyman/repair/service/etc type people or companies. Just wanting to inject a little more order into my sometimes aimless life. Even if doing all that is almost just for a placebo effect, it’s gonna make my brain happier if I do this and then have all of that information right there at hand whenever I need it. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ

Meh… guess I should stop rambling and get to enjoyin’ the day, eh? 😏 It could be a one-off…Β  heh

Whirlwind

The past few days have been rough… starting off with some sort of 36-hour bug that had me down for the count. I can’t remember the last time that I felt that bad and threw up that much. It was awful. For 24 hours I didn’t even leave my bed, unless it was to go to the bathroom, but by yesterday morning I could tell that I was starting to get back to decent. Not completely better, but with as miserable as I was feeling, man did I feel blessed to feel at least as good as I was feeling. (I appreciated Gen keeping me “company” through an always-open message screen… ‘cuz man does it suck to feel alone when you’re that sick.)

But later that evening I got a few messages from my friend Bri, telling me about some concerns she was having regarding her pregnancy… and that she was advised to go to the hospital to have a couple tests done, but she wasn’t able to find anyone that could give her a ride. Her sister and brother-in-law both had the same bug as me, so I totally understood their inability to drive her there and wait – so I ended up being her last resort, and luckily I was just good enough to be able to go in and take her.

Everything ended up being fine but the whole ordeal didn’t wrap up until after 1am, and then I didn’t manage to get to sleep until after 4am. I had made plans with Aunt Sharon to go visit Dad today, but that was before I knew I’d have my late night at the hospital. (I had a bunch of old slide scans of him, Mom, me, and others turned into prints that I definitely at least wanted to drop off – even if I wasn’t feeling good enough to stay long.) So a few hours sleep and I was back up and at ’em. Sort of. Took me forever to get moving, because I could (and can still) tell that I haven’t quite shaken whatever had me laid out.

The visit was really good, and I finally ate some real food, but almost immediately when I got home I sacked out for a three hour nap. Not really what I wanted to do, risking losing a normal sleep schedule, but I didn’t get much say in the matter. I think I’m still good though… and between wearing a mask the whole time at the hospital, and then hopefully being over it by today, hopefully I won’t end up getting anyone else sick. Whatever it is is really going around though, so everyone’s kinda watching out for it.

I don’t know how I didn’t manage to jinx myself today. During that “Ahh!” period of feeling better after a couple days of puking, that’s when I made the plans to go see Dad… so I’m lucky that I didn’t end up overdoing it or setting myself back with the lack of sleep and end up having to cancel. For once my body didn’t betray me… let’s all hope that I can still get some good sleep tonight in a few hours though. Still staying optimistic, cuz any improvement over a couple days ago is worth being happy about. And maybe it was good to get one more day before I try to throw myself back into “getting some things done around here” – albeit slowly. Still trying to get myself back on track from this past month…