Getting a half-way decent night of sleep didn’t do anything to recharge my batteries for any significant use today. Of course I do have a little more on my mind than usual, but that wasn’t what was bothering me today. Actually, I didn’t realize that anything was bothering me today – until it did. Around noon I went outside to use my little air compressor to air up my tires, since that was something I could just do in the driveway without having to drive into town or anything. Figured that was within my ability today.
Spent about ten minutes doing that. It was in the sun, yeah, but it wasn’t like it was actually that hot out. But yeah, so I was just waiting in the normal sun as my slow compressor topped off two of my tires… and when I went back inside, I fell asleep within minutes and didn’t wake up until almost two hours later. So bizarre. I wasn’t tired, wasn’t sleepy, and that’s all that I did… but *ploop*… I was out.
It’s still frustrating, and it still bothers me… but being so close to the end of this phase, at least I can think about it at the end of the day and smirk. It would be terrifying if this was just “how I’m gonna be from now on” but that’s not how it is. But knowing that something so truly small can trigger the “nope” button in my brain, which effectively shuts me down, it’s such a weird thing. Not a fan.
Hoping that I can get one more solid night of sleep under my belt tonight, and that maybe that will be enough to at least avoid any unintentional spontaneous naps tomorrow.
I’m sure that a lot of people wonder why I am the way that I am. 🤨🧐🤔 Even people that have read many of my blog entries, and have seen how I can be when the curtains are essentially pulled back and everything’s just out here for people to see and absorb. 😧 I didn’t pick this theme because I’m in bad mood. In fact, I’m not feeling any particular mood at all really. Weird, I know. 🤷🏻♂️ I’m not sure what will end up on this list, or how long it’s gonna be, but I suppose you should think of it as a list of my ingredients. 👨🏻🍳 Whether these ingredients are good or bad, it’s difficult to say… since many of them can be both, depending on the context.
Okay, let’s see how this stream of consciousness goes… and how concise I can be while banging it out. 😏
Need for Productivity:
Aspiring People Pleaser:
Unwilling to Settle:
Illnesses and Deaths:
Variety of Guilt:
Expectations vs Reality:
Heh… there we go. All done. No problem.
Actually, coming up with the “headlines” was the easy part. (And to be honest, I’m sure that I’ll think of additional topics to add as I start filling in the descriptions.) But it’s 3:00am, and I’ve got two doctors and the pharmacy on my schedule for later today, so I’m gonna save (yet publish) this as a draft and come back to it later. 😴 Or I might read it again after a night of sleep… cringe, ponder, and then delete the whole damn thing.
One week to go until my surgery (don’t worry, I’m not gonna count down each time I make a post… heh) but I’m trying to make today as “normal” and chill as possible. Trash runs tomorrow, so I’ve gotta fill the buggy and drag it to the road… then I’ve got a small stack of mail that I should probably get to… and then I wanna straighten up the living room, vacuum up all this kitty hair, etc. 😏 Normal.
I’m nervous, but I’m at ease. Nothing about “right now” is how I want it, and I plan to work to change what I can after the surgery and recover time, but the way things are right now should get me through to next Wednesday without any big chance of unintentionally triggering anxiety attacks or whatever. Right now I have to worry about me. (And I know I’ve got all my loved ones’ support, which definitely helps.)
I still haven’t told a majority of my friends. Some have learned about it through the blog here, I’ve told a small handful in a private Facebook group, but I haven’t yet figured out how to tell “everyone” in a way that won’t trigger a huge reaction. I guess that’s the point of friends though… to provide those huge reactions, since it means they care. 🙂 But yeah… not today.
Today I get to pretend that it’s just like any other day.