It Works For Me

Today was really nice. πŸ™‚ And I know, it’s not over yet, so it could still get all fuckered up… heh… but this was the most relaxed and carefree that I’ve felt in a good long while. It’s amusing though, that I had to useΒ most of the previous dayΒ to set myself up for it, so that today would go down properly. 😏 But hey, I’m making progress – even if it’s just a day at a time.

I spent the afternoon watching the NASCAR race from Kansas, and now I’m getting ready to watch the season eight premiere of The Walking Dead. πŸ˜ƒ Along with that frivolous time spent, I’ve also started working on a “to do” list of things that I seriously need to accomplish before fall sets in, ranging from personal health issues to random landscaping tasks that I’ll need to hire someone to handle for me.

But along with a “responsibilities” list, I’m also thinking about doing what I’ve done a couple times in the past – where I make a long list of all of the memorable toys and goodies that I’ve owned when I was as young as a toddler, so I can then look them all up on eBay to see how much they’re worth now. πŸ˜„ I thought I actually saved the list the last time I typed it up and did this, but apparently it got lost between owning my last laptop and this one.

But it’s just a fun possible side project… and while it can be surprising how much some of the things can be worth now, it’s not like it’s a depressing exercise where I’m wishing that I had saved them all or kept all of my toys sealed in their packages, never to be played with – because what kind of boring childhood would I have had then, if I never played with the stuff that was meant to be played with? πŸ˜‹

But yeah, I’m hoping that I can hold on to this positive mood into tomorrow… or at least long enough for me to go in town and get a haircut. That’s another thing that has a surprisingly positive effect on me, when I no longer feel like a hobo and can come across as quite presentable if I so choose. 😎 But for now, here’s to more days like this one.

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At Ease

I’m doing my best to make the remainder of my evening peaceful. ☺ I’ve straightened up the living room a bit, I’ve got my new spiral bound journal/notepads and extra-fine tipped Pilot Precise V5 rolling ball pens sitting nearby (Mmm… office supplies… 🀀) just in case I feel like writing, and I just ordered the latest Pirates of The Caribbean movie on PPV so I have something to distract me from the “real” and transport me somewhere else.

See, when all I have to worry about is myself, I’m quite capable of not being a mess. 😏 But things like earlier today, where I was simply asked to a family gathering… something that I do appreciate still even being invited to… that messed me up for the better part of the day, feeling bad because I couldn’t make myself go – and knowing that I was letting people down again.

That’s definitely the “mom” in me – how it really does a number on me when something (even unintentionally) makes me feel like a disappointment. 😞 I just gotta remind myself, especially when I’m already struggling, that I can’t live my life to please others – and as long as it isn’t being done maliciously, there’s nothing wrong with that.

So once again I’ll finish this evening by hoping that the feeling continues into the next day, and that maybe my Sunday will truly feel like a day off – where nobody is counting on me for anything, so I can start the day with a clean slate when it comes to what I want to accomplish, if anything. I just really wanna start turning things around, and it doesn’t even matter where it starts. πŸ™‡β€β™‚οΈ I’m not giving up just yet.

Little Things Mean A Lot

It’s a handy thing to remember that when I talk about negative things or depression or whatever, it’s quite likely that what I’m feeling is actually considerably stronger than what I’m putting out for public consumption. However, the same can be said for the positive things. Even though most of the time I’d compare waking up, existing for the day, and then falling asleep to slogging through an endless waist-high bog of mud right now – I absolutely have good moments, and sometimes they’re actually really good moments. They’re just so hard to hang on to anymore.

I’m knocking out several blog entries today, after a week of relative silence, because I’m having one of those good moments. For the reasons that I’ve mentioned in the other posts below, but also because Cassi stayed last night, is probably gonna come back after her errands of the day to stay again, and even though we’ve “been there, done that” with our phase as a couple – we’re still managing to stay close, and we’re still quite important to each other. And I know, people could go down a list of oil/water things about us, but it doesn’t matter… sometimes time spent with each other, even if it’s just silently in the same room, watching the same shows on Netflix that we’ve already watched together multiple times, sometimes that time is more important than someone would ever think.

Even though being alone in my bubble is nice when I’m experiencing a span of less-than-great, sometimes letting one significant other person into the bubble as well can be a good thing. Because what often starts off as a “misery loves company” thing, almost always ends up turning away from the negative and letting us find some happy… at least for the time we’re together.

And it’s so difficult, even for myself, to understand how despite being able to spend a couple days with her around me nearly 24/7, it would be almost impossible for me to go in town and have even a short visit with nearly anyone else that I know, even if inside I really wanted to. I wish I could understand it, because I’d give anything to be able to explain it to the people that I care about, so that they could understand that even though my absence probably (understandably) feels personal – it’s not meant that way at all. It’s just one of the ways I’m damaged. 😞 Meh… I need to stop sweating this, and just accept that it’s an unfortunate situation that is unable to be changed so I need to quit mentally pushing against that wall.

Believe it or not, that’s something that Christina was trying to help me better understand the other day. She had made a post on FB about going through shit, getting back up, dusting yourself off, and continuing on while giving no shits about whatever the initial problem was. And for her to be able to be filled with that type of optimism was inspiring to me, because she just went through her first round of chemotherapy just a couple days ago. 😟 Yet here she was, saying “shit happens” and somehow being able to shake it off enough to continue on with whatever’s next, without letting it weigh her down. And she’s not really a gushy, inspirational-quote-spewing type of person… which made the little exchange even more meaningful to me. And she probably doesn’t even know it.

Heavy

I’ve been basically worthless this week. I’m fortunate that nothing really required my attention, but that also made the prospect of being a potato far too easy. Not exactly sure what got me this time, other than the normal combination of things that I sometimes can’t process in a way that isn’t self-destructive.

  • One friend’s father died just the other day
  • Another friend’s mom has cancer that’s no longer responding to treatment
  • Another friend… she was just given a 50/50 chance of making it another year
  • And then a buddy of mine from school has leukemia and isn’t doing great.

People dying, friends struggling, so many folks I know that are deeply unhappy… and I wasn’t able to avoid absorbing too much of the feelings that go along with the knowledge of all of these things, combined with everything I already carry. A couple friends wanted to do something on the weekend, but despite kinda wanting to get out and do something as well – depression won, and I stayed in.

The Other Times

Last weekend’s little break was fun, but the rest of this past week was rough. It’s something that’s already factored in when I make “fun” plans, but I still never know exactly how long my physical/mental regeneration will take afterwards. It doesn’t help when I’m coming home to stuff that I don’t really wanna deal with, including some tedious BS from the IRS regarding my aunt’s estate. It’s killin’ me… I’m this close to getting this thing closed and settled out, but dumb shit like this keeps popping up. It’s not even because anyone has done anything wrong, just lots of checks and verifications and such.

The sludge that I’m walking through just feels noticeably thicker this week, but I think I’m finally breaking free of it. (Just in time for another fun thing with friends, as a matter of fact.) It does start to get old though. Having “the fun times” and then “the other times.” Meh… I’m not gonna whine about it, at least not today, because I’m just doing what I’ve always tried to do – figure out why I’m broken in certain ways, and then figure out ways around it.

I’ve still not found a way to prevent myself from getting worked up by the people that judge me, or think that they know me based on the glimpses they get into my life via social media. (Which is why I think of the blog as a good-yet-bad thing sometimes.)Β Nobody should have to feel like they have to justify when they are happy or having fun. Everyone that knows me is well aware of my disability, as well as my twitchiness, but any time I break free of those things and let myself live – I always catch hints of raised eyebrows or mumbled comments, as if I’ve somehow undermined the legitimacy of how I feel most of the other times. (Of course I’m going to share way more of the good/happy things than I am of the bad/sad things, you shit-leaking assholes.)

That’s why I’ve really been keeping to myself for the past couple of months, other than spending time with a select few people who don’t manage to make me feel shitty. I haven’t been posting nearly as much on Facebook… about the bad or the good things… and honesty it has helped. I love sharing things with people, I love getting reactions to photos or videos – but for whatever reason, even though 95% of the reactions are usually positive, the couple of percent that seem to judge or question me based on what I’ve shared… it affects me more than it should, and more than you’d think.

But yeah, I made one “good” post so I wanted to make one “reality” post as well, so at least with the fresh start that this blog has taken, people will still (hopefully) understand that despite the good moments, I still definitely have a shit-ton of not-good moments that tip the scales in that direction more often than not. And I don’t say this just for me, but for everyone that you interact with throughout your days… be kind, don’t judge… you don’t really know what it’s like inside someone else’s head.