Predictably Unpredictable

Had one of those fortunate times where my workers comp doctor appointment coincided with my neck acting up. Obviously “fortunate” is a relative term… but I think it’s important that the doctor sometimes see me at the worst of my worst times, since at many of my appointments I’m “okay.”

The spasms started yesterday, after carrying a big bag of cat food in from the garage. It used to be that I could still use my right arm to carry about any amount of “dead weight” … where I don’t really do any lifting but just let whatever-it-is hang there at the end of my arm. I guess I’ve got to be more careful about even that now.

It makes sense that something heavy, carried with my right arm, could still pull across the muscles and tendons of my neck and therefore irritate the damaged area… I’m just not stoked about the potential of losing even more ability than I already have. 😟 I’m also not stoked that sometimes just the act of sitting down a little too hard triggers a nerve spike that radiates out over both of my shoulders. 😣 I know I’ve got a big head, but just that little bit of “extra” downward force on my neck… it’s scary that that’s enough to sometimes cause an unpleasant jolt.

But my visit with the doctor was productive. It’s great that after more than a decade (with a basically stable, yet slowly deteriorating condition) he’s still more than happy to give me as much time as I need at an appointment, and this was one that took a little longer as we discussed everything. And while I’m not a fan of the process, we both agreed that it’s probably time for another MRI to see what’s going on in there. 😳 Now, whether workers comp will approve it, that’s another matter.

This was one of those “C’mon, there has to be a way to make it where I don’t hurt like this.” visits, which are probably as frustrating for him as they are for me. 😐 It’s just that there’s only a limited amount of reasonable things we can try, and I’ve already done treatments like cervical spine injections – which only provided limited relief, both in the amount the pain was reduced and for how long. 😒 And with the risks involved in that method, I’m not sure that it’s worth it when adjusting my meds could prove to work better.

Meh… I’m so tired of medical stuff. 😞 But I’ll wait to see if the MRI is approved, I’m also waiting for a call back about some other things, and then we’ll just go from there. Like I told him today, I’m still too young to just accept that this is how I have to feel, and I haven’t battled with workers comp for this long just to feel “bad, but not really bad” most of the time. 😒 If there are still things that could help me, they need to remain open as options – otherwise what’s the point? Thankfully, he still seems to agree.

Roll With The Changes

So I tried the Impossible Whopper on my way home from my workers comp doctor appointment today. It’s strange… I don’t know exactly what to say about it. 🤔 It was different than a normal Whopper, which you’d assume, but not in a way that made it any worse or any better than the traditional kind. 🤷🏻‍♂️ I suppose the only thing that I’d have even noticed, if someone had just brought it to me and let me think it was a regular Whopper, was that it was a little dry / less greasy.

But by the time the cheese, lettuce, mayo, ketchup, etc is added – it’s honestly hard to notice any difference. And if it is legitimately more healthy (or at least less un-healthy)… something which I never bothered to Google… then yeah, I’d probably always order it over the “normal meat” Whopper. I think White Castle has the same kind of “fake meat” in a version of their sliders, so I might have to give those a try sometime as well. I’ve got no problem reducing my meat consumption as long as it tastes basically the same and isn’t detrimental to my health. 🐄🤠🤷🏻‍♂️

As for my appointment today, again I suppose that I just took for granted that it wouldn’t be much different than any of my other visits with the workers comp doctor. But since it was with his PA (also a “real” doctor, of course) there was a set of “fresh eyes” on all my info. 👨🏻‍⚕️🔎 He actually did that because the first time I saw him, many months ago, when I was originally going to be moved mostly to his schedule, I wrote a summary letter for the past decade and said I’d appreciate hearing if anything jumped out at him which may not have been something that me and my original doctor had been addressing.

Be careful what you ask for, though… 😏 It’s nothing bad bad, but having new xrays and scans of the area from fairly recently – he took a good long look at them in comparison to the ones from before / recently after my original surgery, as well as whatever few that have been done between then and now. 👨🏻‍⚕️💻 It’s nothing that I’ll have to address any time soon, but as always expected… after over a decade of three of my vertebrae being fused, the one above it is just showing signs of eventually needing attention as well. 😕 Nothing horrible, nothing urgent… and since it’s something that I was already aware of as an eventual and likely possibility, having him remark about it honestly just rattled me because it hasn’t been one of the things on my mind lately… not because it’s an “Oh no, a new surprise thing” thing.

But I like this doctor… I mean, time will tell if I like him as much as Dr Walter… but he talked with me a long time today, despite knowing that I’m still somewhat radioactive, and in detail that let me know he’s aware (or at least assumes) that I’m able to understand more than the average patient. 🤓 I think he’s even older than Dr Walter, so I’m not sure why he’s got a PA position there. It could be he does his “real” doctor-in’ on all the other days when he’s not at this particular office. 🤷🏻‍♂️ But yeah, it’s fine… and if anything, I still think the “fresh eyes” are good… especially since he might end up having to write some reports that explain how my original work injury / surgery is what has caused this newer potential issue – because you can bet your ass that I’m going to do everything that I can to get it included into my current claim for whenever I might have to start doing things that involve it. 🤨

It’ll Be Fine

I’ve developed a bad habit of letting my mail sit and gather dust for a week or two before getting to it, but sometimes that procrastination yields interesting results. For example, in the current batch I got two bills from the hospital for relatively small amounts… but I also got two checks from the hospital as well, which total about five times more than what the bills are asking for. 🤨🤔 Part of me wants to say nothing and mark it up as a win, but the twitchy side of me insists that I go in and talk to someone in the billing office and get my account in order before the actual expensive things start up again here soon. 😒

Toni actually messaged me a few hours ago (before I got into my mail) to see if I wanted to go with her when she cuts Dad’s hair tomorrow. I told her I’d have to sleep on it, since every day is basically a crap shoot lately – but between the hospital mail and some other mail that I got, I’m hoping it’s a sign that I’ll feel good enough to at least go see Dad, and then hopefully hit the hospital on the way home. Didn’t start feeling extra shitty until half the day was done today, so hopefully tomorrow can be the same. 🤷🏻‍♂️ I just hate feeling so off of my game… 😟 and worry that being around me could be mostly depressing.

And yeah, I know I instantly jinx myself whenever I “make plans” for something, but both of those things are things that I want and need to do, so I’m gonna do what I can to make it happen. Now, when it comes to my car crying about an oil change, or that one of my tires is low on air… (and how rude is it that it knows which tire, but won’t specifically tell me?) 🤨 yeah, that stuff can definitely wait. No pushing of the luck tomorrow. 😠 In fact, no pushing of the luck tonight… I’m not even gonna waste any energy cleaning up all the sorted mail and trash and whatever. Time to hit the recliner for some Avengers: Endgame and hopefully sleep soon after.

I Guess It’s My Turn

My sleep’s been a bit affected over the past couple of nights. I did have two or three decent days where I was able to get out and do some small things that I needed to do, but all the driving tweaked my knee enough again that the pain’s got my sleep just a bit screwed. 😴 Not here to complain about that though. I’m starting to get used to it and make concessions the same way I have to do with my left shoulder.

But today, sleep was on and off all night, so I didn’t end up getting up and around until after noon. Before my brain even had a chance to give me a hint about how it was gonna feel about today, I heard knocking on the front door. 😳 Checked the cams to discover that it was some of my lawn guys. 😏 They were here today to trim all the hedges around the house, and then Jason came by a little bit later to lock down the details and prices for the spirea removal and other misc.

And with the bushes around the house all trimmed back, it’s even more obvious that I really need to stop putting it off and have the siding and sidewalk power washed. He gave me a good deal on the trimming today, which made it easier to just apply that savings towards getting all the green, bugs, webs, and bird poop washed off of the house. But yeah, there wasn’t much new to what we discussed (except for that) so it was just a matter of reconfirming everything now that my name’s apparently up on the “next job” list.

Gotta admit, waking up and having to immediately “human” started my day off a little twitchy. 😕 I didn’t expect to even be seeing any people, let alone interacting with them… but I’m feeling better now that plans and prices are set, things should start soon, evening is coming, and things are cooling off outside. I mean, just walking around the yard with everyone, pointing out this and that, using my cane and trying not to dick up my knee any more… I was sweating just from that. 😓 Good on them for being able to work in the heat like they did today. It sure saves lazy and/or broken people such as myself. 🙂

Just hoping to get some good sleep tonight so I can be a little more productive tomorrow. Bills, e-mail, laundry, vacuuming… just little shit… but I’ve had to stay on pause for a couple days, and I’ve learned that if I don’t turn it around quickly it could end up sticking. But hey, like I said, I’ve gotten out of the house to handle a few things and even make it to an appointment up in Columbus – so things are still basically moving in the right direction. Just really looking forward to the couple of doctor appointments for my neck and knee once June gets here… ‘cuz this shit is getting old. Like me, I guess… 😏🤷🏻‍♂️

Delayed Reaction

It’s been an up and down week. I had those two or three pretty good days right after being sick for a day and a half… but like I said, probably not so much that I felt any better than normal – but the relief of not puking every few hours for an entire day and night just makes you appreciate a normal “bleh” mood a bit more. 😏 But then right after that, it was the strangest thing…

Mom has been gone for more than a month… and of course the first week or two after she passed was filled with well-wishes, company, and general “fuss” (I don’t mean that in a bad way at all) that one expects after such a thing. Then I took some time to really isolate myself so I could just feel it… adjust to it… I dunno… I just wanted nobody around so I could react however I needed to. 🤷🏻‍♂️ And my dumb ass assumed that after all of the above, my brain had processed and handled it. Heh… nope. 😟

I don’t even know what triggered it, but man… a couple of days ago – it finally really hit me. 😢 Or finally hit me for the first time, because Genesee said that she completely understood what I was trying to explain to her, and she says it was by no means a one-time deal for her after her daddy passed away several years ago. I think what happened was I crossed the line where I was just happy and relieved for Mom, that she was no longer struggling with a mind and body that were fighting against her… and I hit the point where it really sank in that she was gone gone – and then I was worthless for the better part of three days, feeling indescribably sad about everything that her being gone made me think and feel. 😔 Gawd this is such a difficult thing to explain…

It’s probably all selfish, but understandable emotion… but the thing that wouldn’t leave my mind is that from this point on, any “new” person that I meet or that comes into my life… they won’t get to know her, and I can’t explain how unfair that is for all of those people. 😠 For those few days I just lost the ability to be happy about all of the happy memories and experiences, and it was all sad, mad, bitter, etc. Then I finally decided to talk out loud to her… the first time that I had done that since she passed.

I’m sure some people might think it’s strange, but with all of my grandparents gone, a couple uncles, an aunt, some friends… at one point or another, I’ve spoken out loud to them as I sat in the recliner, did my laundry, walked around outside, fed the cat… whatever the case may have been that made me want to say something to them. 🤷🏻‍♂️🙂 But I hadn’t been able to do that with Mom until just the other day, and I was actually feeling guilty about it. That I had so easily done it with the others, but for some reason wasn’t able yet to do that with her. But I’m glad that I finally did, because that’s what started pulling me out of that awful mood.

I reminded myself that she’s now up there with her mom and dad, among so many other relatives and friends that I may not even remember myself – but who were all waiting to greet her when she got there. 😊 And then I told her that I knew she wouldn’t want me to just sit in the house and feel how I was feeling, and I told her that I was going to try as hard as I could to get out of that funk and focus on the happy rather than the negative feelings. I don’t want her checking in on me, only to find that I’m a useless, crying, angry mess. I can’t let it mess me up like it was messing me up for those few days.

I talked for probably fifteen minutes or so… heh… and again, I know, it does sound a little weird… but with every thing that I’d say, I could feel the weight being lifted off of me… at least to when it comes how I was feeling about Mom being gone. (More of the “other stuff” in the next entry, coming fairly soon.) It’s weird though… not only did I feel guilty for not talking to her sooner, but also a little bit guilty for that horrible feeling not hitting me this hard way before this point. 😟 But again, Genesee helped… saying it was roughly a month for her as well, before she got the real “gut punch” feeling that you almost expect to feel the day of, or day after it happens. Of course I miss Mom… but I really do think I was just getting past my feelings of relief and happiness for her, and on to feeling sorry for myself – and everyone else that no longer gets to have her as an ongoing part of their life.

I’m sorry if this comes off as gloomy… but what I’m actually trying to say is that yeah, it hurt… then it really really hurt… but then you find a way back from it. 😌 I’m not looking forward to this becoming a recurring “surprise” thing, but I do know now that that’s just the way it works. 🥺 But I think each time that it happens, it’s gonna be easier for me to talk to her, remember all of the good – and there was a lot of good – and not let that awful feeling consume me like it was during these past few days.

Slipped My Mind

When Toni and Matt were getting ready to move into their new place, Matt had gotten in touch with me and asked if I had any security cameras that he could use until everything was moved and they were totally settled in there. Now, at that time they didn’t have the internet activated, so there really wasn’t much I could provide that would be helpful. I had one small camera that could record to a microSD card, but it wasn’t meant for 24/7 monitoring – and besides, if someone broke in, they’d just take the camera along with whatever else they wanted, and nobody would be the wiser. 😏

Well, they’ve been living there for months now… but for some reason, after that one time of me and Matt trying to figure something out for security cameras, the whole idea of it had completely left my thoughts. 😐 Even after I set up my own house with multiple cameras, and after I got a camera for Genesee, I still didn’t think until just earlier tonight that Matt and Toni are probably the two people that need cameras like that the most. 🤷🏻‍♂️🤦🏻‍♂️ I wouldn’t say that their area of town is that much more sketchy than any other neighborhood you might pick on a map, but it’s an area that’s definitely more active – with random assholes on the street, on the sidewalks, in the back alleys… 😯

I don’t need to justify it, but Toni really does a lot for me, Mom, and Dad, and she’s always been that way. A “helper” like her mother. 🙂 And that is just the excuse that I need to get her and Matt a couple of the security cameras like I use here at my house. If I was a good cousin I would have thought to do this for them months ago, because Toni works hard for her stuff, Matt works hard for his stuff – and neither of them should ever have to deal with any of their stuff going missing… at least not without video to show them who did it. 📹😯

I’m still amazed at the features of these “Yi” branded cameras, which you can still get for about $20. They’re the older models, and only 720p resolution, but they’re still absolutely fine for basic security needs like theirs. And like I told Toni, when she said she’d pay me back… I told her that I was happy to get them a couple of the cameras so they could play around with them and see what they thought – and then rather than paying me back, I told her to just take that money and put it towards a couple more cameras if they end up becoming fans and wanna expand their web of surveillance. 😎

Sunday Delivery

No real change in the past couple of days, and I’m starting to get restless. 😒 I’m sitting here, keeping it in neutral, but also wanting to do stuff around the house… anything other than just sitting here. 🤕 But then I stand up and take a few steps and it knocks that motivation right out of me. So I’m gonna continue to take it easy and just work on things that I can take care of in the immediate area. Sitting on the floor with my back right up against the heater is helpful, and I can pop open the laptop and spread out any paperwork type shit that I want to work on… 🤓💻📝 so I guess that’ll have to do for now.

The mailman stopped here today though (Sunday… weird) to bring a couple of goodies that I ordered the other day. They aren’t even goodies for me, but it still made me happy to see them arrive. 😃📦📬 Now, I’ve been out of circulation for a long time when it comes to most of my friends, but Brantley and Desiree both have a birthday this week – so I wanted to get each of them something so they don’t think that I’ve forgotten about them.

Bri and her family have Indiana roots, so I got him an Indianapolis Colts wallet. 🐎🏈 Now, he’s only four, so he’s not gonna be all “Woohoo!“ when he opens it – but hopefully mama will teach him how to carry important things in it and tell him how “grown up” it will make him. 😊 I also unsealed the packaging, stuck a $20 in the wallet, and sealed it back up again before I wrapped it… so that should be a nice “extra” surprise.