Hurt, Heal, Push, Hurt, Heal, Push…

Yesterday evening ended up being bad. Normally you do some sort of physical activity, it’ll work up your muscles a bit, then as the day and night progresses – the pain or stiffness gradually goes away. Not last night. ๐Ÿ˜ฃ๐Ÿ˜  I left PT feeling awful and it continued to get worse all the way until I somehow fell asleep despite it. And even today, as soon as I effing woke up – neck is stiff, head and eyeballs are pounding with a headache still… heh… I really wasn’t anticipating it being this bad, considering the relatively limited movement that I allowed my bad arm and shoulder yesterday. ๐Ÿ˜’ Even being actively aware of and discussing it as I was going through exercises with the physical therapist, I still allowed myself to get this effed up. ๐Ÿคฌ

I got wrapped up in that “authority figure” syndrome thing. ๐Ÿ‘จ๐Ÿปโ€โš•๏ธ๐Ÿ‘ฉ๐Ÿปโ€๐Ÿซ๐Ÿ‘ฎ๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ๐Ÿ‘ฉ๐Ÿปโ€โš–๏ธ Where you’re talking to a cop or doctor or teacher or whatever… and because you see them as an authority figure, you’re more likely to just do what they say, or give their words more weight than compared to a “normal” person. ๐Ÿ™„ I wanted to do the exercises that they have determined should help me, and in “trying to do my best” (like always) I really messed myself up. ๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ But anyway – I’ve already decided that I’m barely going to do any of that shit during the next visit – or at home, where I’m also supposed to continue the exercises.

I’m not gonna give up on trying to get my back to heal properly and train it for a little more endurance, but I’m not gonna be able to do it the way a completely functional human would. ๐Ÿค• Tomorrow is supposed to be my last appointment with them anyway, so it’ll be up to me to make the choices about how I’m gonna keep things moving in the right direction. Heh… I can’t explain how angry this pain makes me… it’s a combination of the actual pain, the resentment regarding the original injury that has made me this fragile, feeling like “taking the initiative” to push myself to heal just results in punishment, spending every other day hurting and recovering… meh… I’m just gonna basically drop the extensive PT and do what I can, because prior to this I was actually healing and feeling pretty good.

It’s just one of those days where as soon as I woke up I was already done with this day. ๐Ÿ˜Ÿ Gonna try to make this headache go away and hopefully do something that can flip my mood. Apologies to anyone who has messaged me or sent e-mails and haven’t gotten a reply yet. I’m gonna try to get at all that before the afternoon is over. It’s hard to put on “happy, socializing face” when I’m feeling like this…

And I’m gonna find something positive to post about later too. Tired of being miserable.

Advertisements

Be Flat

I tried to get moving today but it just didn’t happen. When I woke up and started working on information for appointments and doctor stuff or whatever… I realized that this Wednesday, when I intended to go to the walk-in clinic, I’ve actually already got my monthly appointment with my neck doctor. ๐Ÿ˜’ And it can’t be missed.

So after my regular visit, I’ll then have to make my way across town, an hour later than everyone else has already gotten there to the walk-in clinic… so I’m probably gonna be sitting there for hours, if I’m able to be seen at all. ๐Ÿ˜‘ I think if that all fails, I’ll probably have to go to urgent care and (first) ask nicely for the tests I need, and if that doesn’t work (second) I’ll make it very clear that someone needs to order the tests that I need.

So rather than lie around like a blob today, I dragged the big-ass keyboard out of the extra bedroom and tried to teach myself a couple of new songs. Both of them feature chords, one of them with four-finger chords… heh… I don’t know what the actual term is. ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ Nor do I know what a “B flat chord” is by just reading it. It’s all effing trial and error… but at least I eventually manage to bang out something that sounds close to what I’m trying to emulate.

Interestingly, I notice that I rarely use my middle fingers to hit any keys… which I’m sure isn’t how it is supposed to be done. ๐Ÿ˜ณ And my left hand is just stupid in general, and almost always refuses to do what I want it to – so I end up sticking with “banged out” chords without anything much fancier.

And because each of these songs push my brain and fingers a little further than they’re actually able to go, I can guarantee that I won’t remember how to play either of these songs in a few days. And one of them is just a teeny part of a song. But I like when I can do something that makes it almost sound like I know what I’m doing, and those are two examples. ๐Ÿ™‚

Better Than A Telemarketer

Heh… should have seen that one coming… the moment I wake up, my phone rings. ๐Ÿ˜ฑ Almost like my subconscious knew that a call was coming. ๐Ÿง™๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ It was the fella that will be doing the litigation for my court case here soon, responding to the e-mail that I sent him late last night. It was a great conversation though, and he filled me in on all of the stuff that’s been going on lately, along with what his plans are for the upcoming appearance. ๐Ÿ‘จ๐Ÿปโ€๐Ÿซ I can tell he’s a smart guy, and he didn’t dumb things down for me, which I appreciated. (It’s nice to have a conversation about something of importance with someone who absolutely knows what the hell they’re talking about. ๐Ÿ˜…)

He also blessed me with the knowledge that I don’t actually have to attend. Almost like I assumed, if I were to go I would end up just having to sit there and listen, which I don’t totally object to – but I’d rather let them do their thing and not put myself through the stress and probable pain of driving up to Columbus in shit traffic and snow, possibly still feeling side effects from the steroid injection two days prior, and then sitting there on my hands for 15 minutes while they bust through their arguments. ๐Ÿ˜’ Even just writing about this stokes my stress, which then stokes my pain.

Oh, I think that was the only surprising thing that he told me… the very limited amount of time that each side has to present their argument. ๐Ÿ˜ฏ The magistrate will already have all of the paperwork that he really needs regarding my claim though, so oral arguments basically just act as salt and pepper on the main dish. But man, sometimes just the right amount of salt can make bland mashed potatoes taste awesome. ๐Ÿคค So, as usual, I’m cautiously optimistic. ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ He explained in detail the angle that he’ll be going with, and it does sound pretty solid.

Like I was thinking though, the ruling on this case will most likely set a precedent that many, many more cases will eventually rely upon in the future. ๐Ÿ˜ฌ I know that it honestly has nothing to do with me personally, but I’m still sitting here hoping that my case doesn’t end up being the one that causes problems for other injured people like me who will come along in the future. ๐Ÿ˜” Oh and get this, if the magistrate finds in my favorย – my former employer can still elevate this one more time, this time to the Supreme Court of Ohio. ๐Ÿ˜ง๐Ÿ‘ฉ๐Ÿปโ€โš–๏ธ๐Ÿ‘จ๐Ÿปโ€โš–๏ธ๐Ÿ‘จ๐Ÿปโ€โš–๏ธ๐Ÿ‘จ๐Ÿปโ€โš–๏ธ๐Ÿ‘ฉ๐Ÿปโ€โš–๏ธ๐Ÿ‘จ๐Ÿปโ€โš–๏ธ๐Ÿ‘ฉ๐Ÿปโ€โš–๏ธ Just typing that sentence seems nuts. That court does have the option of telling them to just piss off though, so I guess there’s that. ๐Ÿ˜

This was probably the easiest that I’ve transitioned into “handling unexpected phone call when you can’t even do phone calls” though. ๐Ÿ˜ฅ Smart attorney who is also personable and is able to relate legal information to shlubs like me… that definitely helped. But between getting my brain topped up again and knowing that I don’t have to physically be in the courthouse for the process this time… that’s a call that I’m glad to have answered.

So Much Fuss

This is difficult. I have to go to court in about a week, in regards to the workers comp stuff that I’ve been dealing with for over a decade now. ๐Ÿ˜’ I have access to a crapload of documents that are directly related to this case, as well as information from past cases that may provide precedents that could either help or hinder the arguments coming from my side. ๐Ÿ˜ But in this instance, for this appearance, all of that information that I could start digging into… it wouldn’t really do me any good, and that’s what’s difficult. ๐Ÿ˜ฃ Telling myself to just “let it go” because the attorneys are gonna attorney.

This particular phase has been elevated, because rather than just being about me trying to get a medication or treatment approved – this case is actually about whether all of the “powers that be” have been playing by the rules. ๐Ÿ˜ฏ I don’t want to get into too much detail, so it’s hard to explain it, but that’s why my input isn’t going to be needed. Because it’s more about making sure that every “T” was crossed, every “I” was dotted, and every rule was interpreted and followed in a way that should meet the court’s approval. ๐Ÿ˜ฌ There really is quite a bit riding on this.

So I could memorize everyย related case that came before mine, I could write an impassioned speech that recounts the trials and tribulations of this frustrating process over the entire past decade… but none of it would matter, because none of it is required. ๐Ÿ˜• None of it would even be welcomed (at least as far as it seems to me) because this time it’s all about the proper administration of my claim. ๐Ÿ‘จ๐Ÿปโ€โš–๏ธ To be honest, I’m not even sure why I have to be there at all.

So yeah, I’m a bit anxious… one of those situations where the cards have already been dealt, but we have to wait a week to see who’s hand comes out on top. ๐Ÿ™‡๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ It’s really starting to look like this might happen, too. It’s been delayed a few times for various reasons on both sides, but with the information dump that has happened and the lack of anything promising in regards to a settlement, I think it’s actually gonna go down on the date as planned this time. ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ

Time to tighten my belts and keep my hands and arms inside the vehicle at all times.

(Did I mention that the trial date is two days after my cervical spine injection? ๐Ÿ’‰๐Ÿ˜จ Yay? ๐Ÿ˜…)

Well, That Was Strange

I’m only writing about this now because I think I can feel it ending. ๐Ÿ˜ณ But this past week, this has been one of the better weeks in recent memory, when it comes to my mood and my ability to human and all that. ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ I’ve done quite a bit more socializing on Facebook and through messages than usual, and for some reason it didn’t cause me to get twitchy like it often can. So that was a nice gift from my brain.

I suppose it was allowed out of a bit of necessity though… I mean, that’s how my brain may have been looking at it… because, at least visually, I’ve been snowed in here at the house for the past few days. ๐Ÿ˜ฌ The same d00d that mows my lawn drove by, saw that my front yard showed not even a hint of a driveway, and messaged me to see if I wanted him to plow a way out for me and I happily accepted. ๐Ÿค— So of course it then snowed again today, although not enough to really make a difference when it comes to getting my car in and out. ๐Ÿค” At least I don’t think it is… I haven’t actually tried it yet. ๐Ÿš—โ›„

Oh, speaking of my car… I’m getting ready to install an upgrade to the current version of my car’s OS. ๐Ÿค“ It is a package that technically hasn’t been released to the public, but after reading the reviews of everyone that have done it themselves – there seems to be almost zero problems when it comes to installation or use. So I’m gonna do that here in a bit, and I’m also going to attempt to customize some of the different screen backgrounds, just to have a different look than what I’ve been staring at for the past couple of years. ๐Ÿ˜ต Wish me luck.

Physically? I’ve been feeling miserable. With some moments that were on par with the pain that I was experiencing before I even had my surgery. ๐Ÿ˜–๐Ÿ˜ข Thankfully it still comes and goes, so I just have to deal with it until it goes. And speaking of that disability… I finally received a date and time for the upcoming workers comp trial. ๐Ÿ‘จ๐Ÿปโ€โš–๏ธ It’s still a month away, so that leaves time to huddle with the lawyers, or for them to get a continuance yet again for whatever reason they come up with this time.

So yeah, just wanted to pop in here real quick and report back that this has been one of the most “normal” feeling weeks for me in a long time. ๐Ÿ™‚ But like I said, I do feel something changing… not sure if it’s because the 3-day weekend is ending or what, but I’ve been feeling increasingly bleh as the hours click off today. ๐Ÿ˜• Gonna try to do some stuff around the house this evening so I feel somewhat productive, since that usually helps.

“Wake Up, Case 1485729-4”

Fell asleep around dawn and then was awoken by a phone call from one of my attorneys a few hours later. ๐Ÿ˜’ We’ve got quite a bit of outstanding issues right now, and after the long weekend I could almost feel this call coming… so much so that I didn’t turn my ringer off, since I did need to talk to him.

This entry might as well be titled “What Else Is Wrong?” since, in part, it’s essentially going to be a sequel to my most recent post. As you may or may not know, I try to keep my online presence as free as possible from a) bitching about my pain/disability, and b) talking about specifics of my workers comp case. Partially out of pride, partially because nobody really wants to hear about it anyway.

I’m not sure I even remember what I used to be like before all of this dominated my life. I know it’s not pleasant now, to put it extremely mildly, and I know it’s a constant pain in the ass… so even though it’s hard to remember, I do miss the time when my life was my own and I wasn’t being led by the nose through by doctor visits, IC hearings, physical disability, medication requirements, mental stress, pharmacy policies, insurance companies, and now actual an actual court case. ๐Ÿ˜ž

I’m just frustrated because we’re less than two months away from the court stuff starting and so far the settlement stuff is going nowhere. ๐Ÿ˜• Their side will submit their brief to the court, my side will have a few weeks to reply, and then it starts getting serious. The court will likely want to depose any doctors that have seen or treated me, on both sides, which means I’d have to hope that I could essentially “rent” my doctor for half a day to give testimony – which would be ridiculously expensive. ๐Ÿ˜ฃย (Not to mention ridiculously annoying since he’s already submitted report, after report, after report, in writing.)

So my attorney is going to find out how much they’ve paid each year, on average, for my treatment and medication – and then tomorrow or the next day, when I go to the pharmacy to pick up this month’s meds, I’m going to have them print out what the “out of pocket” cost would be for each medication if I was paying for them with no insurance at all. ๐Ÿค“ With those figures we’ll again try to come up with what we believe is a fair settlement, and then they’ll have to decide if the continuing costs of fighting me are worth it – rather than just settling this and making me go away.

I’m just worried that we won’t be able to get this done before the date of the first hearing. I’m sure it’ll be (us) “Here’s our offer.” followed by (them) “Well, that’s nice, but this is what we’re willing to pay.” followed by (us) “C’mon, get out of here… we need at least (this much)” and then (them) “We’re gonna have to think on this.” with (us) “Well we’re gonna have to think on this too.” Heh… so I don’t know what the odds are of avoiding this court case at this point, but I’d think they are slim.