Unexpected Success?

I did a pretty good job of clearing my mind of workers comp stuff this weekend, and it resulted in some strange dreams both nights. Friday night’s dream had a cast of most of my friends and family that are going through some shit right now. But in the dream, everything was great. πŸ™‚ Everyone was dressed up in nice clothes, had their hair and makeup done up, and part of it was taking place in some sort of classy, multi-level club that was full of similarly “dressed up” guests. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈπŸ˜ It was if we were all there to celebrate something, because everyone was happy and laughing and just having a normal good night out with friends.

In that same dream, I actually left the folks who were enjoying the evening in the club and went out to my car so I could deliver a couple of my other relatives to a cabin where many of us used to go decades ago. πŸ€” I’m not sure why, but one of my aunts was excited to get up to the cabin (which was apparently a two hour drive from where we were)Β because she knew that her first husband would be there – and she didn’t want him to have to wait there, awkwardly, by himself. πŸ˜„ Why her first hubby? No idea… but we were then immediately at the cabin, somehow having skipped the drive, and everyone hopped out of the car, went inside, and started happily unpacking as if we were going to be staying for several days. 😊

Next night’s dream, Dad and I were walking along the sidewalk by the canal in the town where I grew up. It was current day, but we were both significantly younger … and I’m not sure why we were walking in town, but I stopped as we were slowly going past the house that we lived in when I was in high school. 😯 Dad actually bumped into me since he wasn’t expecting me to stop, but I had noticed (as I was looking through the front doors) that they had added several different flights of stairs in the living room – probably attached to the recently built rear addition, which is actually bigger than the original house. (Also true in reality.)

I then noticed that there was makeshift scaffolding around the entire house, made of wood that was basically the size and shape of railroad beams… and I was able to climb up some of these angled beams to get to the windows of the front upper bedroom, which now had a swinging wooden door in place of one of the windows. πŸ˜ƒ I knocked on the door, and the people inside let me in…

It turns out that they were all living in this upper addition to the house, but without the homeowners below knowing about it… so nobody was talking, nobody was making any noise, and they motioned that I could come in – even though nobody spoke to me. 😬🀫 Everyone was wearing Hogwarts type robe / uniform things, like from the Harry Potter movies, and they all seemed to be moving about the house with purpose. 🧐 I stood and watched for a while, being careful to stay out of everyone’s way, and that was about it.

I know “other people’s dreams” are essentially of negative interest to everyone else in the world πŸ™„πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈπŸ˜ so I don’t expect anyone to really care what I dreamed about, and I’m only posting about them because it was amazing how not about “my stuff” they all were. Plus, it was nice that everyone who is going through some shit in real life… it’s nice that in my dream,Β all of them were having a great time, feeling good, looking good, and not worrying about much of anything. 😊 Tough dreams to wake up from though… when you become awake enough for reality to come back to your brain, but it was still a nice change of pace.

Lazy Sunday

Wasn’t able to fall asleep until about 5am this morning, but my alarms woke me up at 11am to see that Genesee had made it home safely without any further airline incidents. πŸ™‚ I’m glad that it’s sunny out, ‘cuz man did I wake up feeling like crap. In this case, I’ll take the nice view out the front window, even though I’m not gonna be going out to do anything in it. 😏 Same old story… a few days where I was doing more stuff than usual, so today everything gets to hurt more than usual – at least for a while. It’s fine though… nothing important on the agenda today, and I’ll gladly pay the “price of admission” (the pain, for the slow folks) whenever she wants to come for a visit. 😊 I’m really glad I don’t have to do anything today though. πŸ˜…πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ

Meds should slowly make things better in that regard, then there’s the race in Texas to watch in the afternoon, and while that’s going on I’ll probably dig through some old blankets and sheets in the basement to get the cat house done and put outside. I don’t really want an outside cat, but if he insists on hanging around, I figure that’s the least I can do for him. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈπŸ˜Ί Somewhat unrelated, I had another one of those weird, split-second thoughts about Mom when I was waking up earlier. I’m not sure what triggered it, but it just popped into my head that I needed to e-mail Mom to tell her about Gen’s visit. 😟 A thought so brief that you realize the problem with it, before that thought even has the chance to be completed…

I only mention it today because when I told Genesee about it, she said she had a similar thing happen when she was out with her friend and the horses. The natural thought of her wanting to stop by and tell her dad about the horses and show him the pictures when they were done. πŸ§πŸ»β€β™€οΈπŸŽ It’s strange how that still happens, and makes me wonder if it will always happen… those instinctive thoughts that pop into your brain and stay only long enough to make you sad. πŸ˜• Not sad sad… because I’m confident that Paul had already been watching her mini-adventure, and that Mom has been happy about Genesee coming to visit from the moment I picked her up at the airport… but you know what I mean. πŸ˜‡ It’s a weird feeling.

But I’m gonna hop off here, tidy the living room, and then try to take it easy for the rest of the day – saving the “returning to my normal routine / responsibilities” stuff for tomorrow. 🀘🏻😎

Method To My Madness

You may or may not have noticed, but over the past many weeks – especially in the time right before and after my scan – I’ve been posting a lot more entries to the blog than usual. Even if not in quantity, I’ve definitely been ramblingΒ more than I typically do. Now that I’m most of the way past that phase, I’m probably gonna end up slowing a little with my postings – not necessarily on purpose, but because as things start to feel like they’re returning to normal I have a feeling I just won’t feel like I need to post quite as much.

There’s no way to explain to someone who hasn’t gone through it, how it feels to sit with an unspecified amount of cancer in your body, jumping through all of the hoops for the tests, which includes gradually wearing down your energy levels to nothing, and then just sitting there, not knowing, waiting, worrying, hoping, etc. 😟 There isn’t an emotion that you don’t experience, ranging from hoping that it’s completely gone – to hoping that if it isn’t gone, that you at least get an expiration date… just to finally get rid of the uncertaintyΒ more than anything else. 😞 I suppose I can only speak for myself, but I don’t see how anyone wouldn’t feel most of the things / ways that I’ve felt. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ

But my way of dealing with all of that (or distracting myself from all of that) was by posting here. Didn’t necessarily want to talk to anyone about it in person, or in any detail or whatever… but also couldn’t just sit here and stay all bottled up about it. So whether my posts had something to do with my medical stuff or not, it’s been a big reason why I’ve been so active lately. Now, I’m not saying that I’m gonna stop blogging… I mean, rambling is sort of my thing, it’s more that I just wanted to come here and finally explain.

Of course it doesn’t help when in the middle of all that, I get new “neck stuff” (unrelated to cancer) to eventually be concerned about. πŸ˜’ It’s hard to stay positive and try to get back to normal when just as you’re finishing up with one thing, something else fairly big comes along right on the tail of the last thing. And that’s what a lot of my postings have been, whether they seem like it or not… trying to find the silver linings, trying to reassure or even convince myself that I have the ability to take the good for what it is, and work around whatever negatives are left after that. (Bleh… that sounds cheezy.)

I’m still not back to normal, but I’m definitely getting there. I found out, thanks to the festival, that even though my energy levels are a whole lot better – there’s still a wall there to be hit, and I still don’t get a sign when I’m approaching it. I’m assuming that’ll just continue to get better though, because it has so far. I’ve barely been doing anything with friends yet, and still haven’t been on Facebook for over a month now… so I’ve still got a few of those types of hurdles to get over, but it’ll all come in time. πŸ™‚ I’m not setting goals or time-frames or anything like that… just trying to always make sure that I keep moving forward with all of it. And as for the stuff that I’ll have to face in the future, whether it is spine related or cancer related (or something as of yet unforeseen), I can’t let it chew up all my thoughts and actions between now and whenever that will be.

So whether it helps me because I’m just getting stuff out, or because it also helps to reinforce the positive thoughts… whatever it is, it’s just what I’ve needed to do during this more-uncertain time in my life. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ But as I continue to get better, it should require less energy (or rambling about it) in order to keep the progress going. I made it up and over the most recent hill, so now I can hopefully start to coast a little more if that’s what I decide to do.

Meh… I could obviously continue with more on this topic, but this basically explains what I wanted to be explained. We’re all works in progress, and I’m no different. And if it’s not one of the issues that I’m currently focused on, there’s always gonna be something else that tries to damage my calm and toss some grenades in my life’s direction. 😟 I’m just hoping that I can take the things that I’ve learned from dealing with the current situations and apply them to those other things when needed. πŸ™‚ Maybe get a little better with the “ups and downs” since we all seem to come with an endless supply.

Boring Dream Talk

Had several dreams last night that made sure my sleep quality was pretty shit, and while I can’t remember many of the details – I do remember the part that’s often a recurring part of my dreams. 😬 I’m sure I’ve written about it in general before, because I like that over the decades that I’ve been alive – there have been some fictional dream locations, plots, set dressing type items, fictional people, etc that I’ve experienced many times over again in separate dreams. πŸ˜―πŸ€“

Sometimes it’s all in one night, where I’ll wake up from a dream for a bit, fall back to sleep, and the dream will pick up right where it left off… but I’ve also had dreams as a kid, where the location didn’t get used in a dream again until decades later – while still being instantly recognizable to me. 😊 All of that subconscious stuff just fascinates me, especially when I have some friends who say they are never even able to remember their dreams, let alone experience familiarity in them over years and years. It actually makes me feel bad for them, not even realizing what they’re missing.

Last night didn’t have any of the “fun” flavors of familiarity though. I’m not sure if you’d call it a plot point or just a recurring experience, with it not even fitting in with the actual “story” of the dream most of the time, and it’s strange enough that I couldn’t even tell you where the idea originates. πŸ€”πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ There’s no non-weird way to describe it… but I guess you’d basically call it “clogged mouth syndrome” or something.

Most of the time it doesn’t fall into “nightmare” territory, but it’s definitely an uncomfortable feeling, and usually ends up with me waking up from it. 😟 Sometimes my mouth is clogged with some kind of food, but usually it ends up being either bubble gum or paper for some reason. 🀨 Last night was paper. πŸ™„ But it’s always the same thing – mouth is completely crammed full of whatever, so much so that I can’t swallow, can’t push it out with my tongue, can’t talk, etc… I mean, just picture ripping out pages of a notebook and cramming sheets into your mouth until you can’t possibly fit any more in, and there ya go. 😳 Fun, eh?

It’s almost always remedied in the same way. It causes a delay in whatever is going on, because I have to stop and use my fingers to dig all the stuff out of my mouth until I can swallow, shut, breathe, or otherwise have use of my mouth again. It’s a frantic feeling, but not like choking, and not like it’s gonna kill me or anything. All I remember from last night is that it happened while me and someone else were trying to climb up a ladder to get out of some situation, but I had to stop and dig all the soggy, spit covered globs of paper out of my mouth before I started the climb, because I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to breathe by the time I had gotten half-way to the top. πŸ™„πŸ˜„πŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ

But yeah, that’s about it. Most boring dream recollection story ever, other than the amusing recurring things that I deal with… one that I’d be happy to give up, obviously. The other recurring things though, I feel lucky to have them. πŸ™‚ Absolutely fictional locations or people, that for whatever reason I end up visiting or seeing over and over again across the years. It’s like when you have a regular vacation destination that ends up being a familiar, true part of your life… having imagined locations and people, that have that same feeling of familiarity and real-ness to them, it’s just neat andΒ makes you wonder how and why it happens.

I Know It’s Weird, But…

I wish my day was ending on a better note. 😞 As you can tell from my couple of previous posts, I was trying to get (or keep) myself in the right frame of mind where I could accomplish various things, hopefully have my plans for the weekend go down without any issues… basically just trying to hang on to the “normal” while I was feeling it. (And believe me… just that in itself is a bigger challenge for me right now than you’d probably think.)

Now, as many of you may already know, one of the “weird” things about me is my near inability to talk on the phone. There’s a logical root reason to how I ended up this way, even if there isn’t as much logic to it now, but it’s something that everyone who knows me is aware of. Unfortunately, I have one family member who is apparently as averse to textingΒ through the phone as I am to speaking on the phone, so there’s obviously gonna be some problems when we need to communicate. πŸ˜πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ

So even when people do absolutely need to talk to me on the phone, they know to text me first to make sure it’s okay to call. Essentially it’s just giving me a warning that they’re gonna call, which helps my twitchy brain prepare for it, and usually making it something I can do. But over the past two days it’s been cold call after cold call, but at least this last time she left a voice mail saying that she had some good news and that she wanted me to call her.

So even though she knows I’m like this (we talked about it the last time she cold called me… heh), she’s got good news that she wants to share, so it makes me feel bad that this weird part of me won’t let me answer or call back immediately. πŸ™‚πŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ I have to “save up the oomph” to make a phone call. And yeah, I know that’s a really weird thing… there’s no debating that. I just hate when I’m doing my best to hang on to “normal” for a while, and something like this reminds me that I’ve still got a long way to go…

Of course I’m interested in her news, and I wish that I could just pick up the phone and call back right away, because I don’t want her to think that I don’t care… but now I’ve spent the evening being frustrated by myself, rather than continuing my forward progress. 😟 Dumb. But how many times do you have to tell someone that you don’t talk on the phone, or that if you have to talk to me on the phone – just text me and give me an idea that a call is coming? (Of course this doesn’t apply to anyone who doesn’t have the ability to text me.) I’m not asking people to understand why I’m this way, just that they understand that I am – and that they respect that unfortunate fact and don’t get hurt feelings if it takes me a while to call back.

Gah… okay, I gotta stop dwelling on this. It’s just how I am right now, I’ll talk to her tomorrow, she’ll share her news, everything will be fine… I can’t let my defects erase any of the positives that I’ve been actively working on lately. And I’m gonna keep reminding myself… as hard as it is for me to take or make phone calls, it could be just as hard for her to text – and it could be just a difficult for her to explain as it is for me.

It’s all good… it’ll be fine… I think I just needed to vent.

Rough Night, Rough Day

Not a great day today. Was only able to get about three or four hours of sleep, and during those few hours I had two distinctly awful nightmares. First one had me inside a somewhat empty mall that was having its grand opening during the middle of the night. Everything was high tech, including the bathrooms – which for some reason, had circular, computerized urinals that all the guys had to share in the middle of the room.

This is gross, but it’s all just dream fodder, so yeah… for whatever reason, I ended up pissing blood, freaking out everyone else in the bathroom, to the point where alarms started going off as if I had done something wrong and someone was coming to get me. I left the restrooms and went into the main area of the mall, which was still mostly empty, so I could look for a doctor’s office or urgent care center. While I was doing this, I noticed that mall employees were following me – and sometimes actually running ahead of me, like they were making sure that I didn’t touch or contaminate any of the new things in the new stores in their new mall. One guy even said so. He said he was supposed to make sure that I just left the property, but that he wasn’t going to force me.

Woke up around that point for about a half hour, but when I fell back to sleep it basically picked back up with the same general plot and activities. Instead of a mall, it was now a fancy “state park” type lodge, the alarms were still going off, and every elevator that I tried to get onto was already filled with people who were fleeing the building. I was able to find a service elevator though, despite it only being big enough for one person to stand in, so I was at least able to make it to the ground floor and out into the park.

It was still the middle of the night, so the parking lots were the only areas that were dimly lit by creepy, flickering, florescent lightning. But all of the cars had been towed away for some reason. As I stood in the empty parking lot, the distance between me and the lodge began to expand… and before I knew it I was alone in the middle of the woods and the only thing I could make of the lodge was a few lights far off in the distance. I couldn’t see them, but I could hear people shouting for their kids, wondering where everyone went… and then I woke up from that one as well.

And yeah, I know there’s no way to ever describe your dreams in a way that can make other people “see” or feel what you were experiencing… but they were shitty dreams, just take my word for it. So I woke up early, my mood was shit, my energy was shot, but I could see that the beast was visibly annoyed by some itchin’ on her butt – so I used my little bit of energy to brush her out, comb out a few fleas, and then start grooming her with the shaver – this time, sans guard.

I had already made a nekkid spot on her neck to put the flea treatment, but to give them as little area to hide as possible I decided to go ahead and start trimming her shorter than I ever have before. She still loves the attention, and I think she knows and appreciates what I’m trying to do for her. (It’ll still be a couple day process though.) And even knowing that, I still had to take an unwanted nap in the afternoon.

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But since she does have some fleas, and flea dirt – each time she lets me spend a few minutes erasing big sections of fur, I then have to sweep it all up with the broom, and then vacuum the rest up with the vacuum (which is working again, yay) so I can eliminate as many of the little buggers as I can. It sounds like nothing, but it’s using up every drop of energy that I’ve had today. And of course getting her back, chest, and neck is pretty easy – so that’s what I’ve hit first – but I’ve still got belly, legs, and butt yet to go… and I just don’t think I’ve got the oomph to finish it all tonight.

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Hopefully sleep will come easier, and she’s already happier with what I’ve gotten done so far, so she’ll be fine waiting for tomorrow for the rest of it… if tomorrow is even enough time. Depends on what kind of mood she’s in and what kind of night I have tonight. But if that’s the worst of my complaints for today, I guess that’s not too bad. Meh. Unrelated question, as I watch the end of the Bristol truck race tonight… did they even sell tickets to this thing? Just noticed as they were taking the checkered flag that the place looked literally absolutely empty in the areas of the stands I was seeing.

Oh C’mon…

Getting a half-way decent night of sleep didn’t do anything to recharge my batteries for any significant use today. Of course I do have a little more on my mind than usual, but that wasn’t what was bothering me today. Actually, I didn’t realize that anything was bothering me today – until it did. Around noon I went outside to use my little air compressor to air up my tires, since that was something I could just do in the driveway without having to drive into town or anything. Figured that was within my ability today.

Spent about ten minutes doing that. It was in the sun, yeah, but it wasn’t like it was actually that hot out. But yeah, so I was just waiting in the normal sun as my slow compressor topped off two of my tires… and when I went back inside, I fell asleep within minutes and didn’t wake up until almost two hours later. So bizarre. I wasn’t tired, wasn’t sleepy, and that’s all that I did… but *ploop*… I was out.

It’s still frustrating, and it still bothers me… but being so close to the end of this phase, at least I can think about it at the end of the day and smirk. It would be terrifying if this was just “how I’m gonna be from now on” but that’s not how it is. But knowing that something so truly small can trigger the “nope” button in my brain, which effectively shuts me down, it’s such a weird thing. Not a fan.

Hoping that I can get one more solid night of sleep under my belt tonight, and that maybe that will be enough to at least avoid any unintentional spontaneous naps tomorrow.